A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating a guy for almost a year. He is going to massage school and has jobs here and there. He lives with a family member. I have helped him lots of times with homework. I recently bought a new car and gave him my old car, because he was taking the bus. His family member recently had to get their kitchen remolded because of a leak which caused mold. I took it upon my self to have all his family over my house for thanksgiving dinner. He paid for the groceries, but I cooked and cleaned. I also cooked for Christmas and his and for one of his family members birthday. I cook all the time and don't ask for any money for groceries or extra water bill or electric bill. Whenever we go out I usually pay. Once in awhile he will pay, but for the most part I do. I recently had a leak in my bathroom which cause mold. He removed the walls and ceiling and added plastic, while I am fighting with my insurance. He has charged for the work he has done. Should he have charged me?
View related questions:
christmas, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (15 March 2017):
 Am guessing yes he should have charged for materials if you are claiming through the insurance, but for his time? No he should have gave you that after everything you have done for him. To be honest this relationship sounds very one sided, with you doing everything and paying for everything, really why is that? Surely if you are both eating out you should take it in turns to pay? Have you spoke to him about these issues?
A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (7 March 2017):
 Romeo needs to understand and be taught what it means to RECIPROCATE a kindness! Sounds like he's been spoiled by you?
Girl you're a very generous giving person from what you write... This of course has pit falls in being taken for granted and you thinking the man should or will reciprocate without a nudge or reminder. (I'm not suggesting to keep score.)
Although for him to show you he has future potential, I believe he could have shown gratitude and appreciation, for having someone like you... who has been so kindhearted to his family etc. and not insulted you with a charge for his work.
However pending on the amount of this bill, which needs more clarification... 'cause I know bathroom leakages don't come with small price tags :( To be fair it's OK for him to ask for the cost of materials BEFORE commencing work, IF we're talking about your property, not a rental.
Because where property is concerned, your talking about the business side of any BF GF relationship, regardless of your generosity. But not and never charge for labour when it's your GF because that's an utter insult.
For me, it's about him showing future potential at this stage. I know when a man is keen, (finances permitting) he'll pay for those repairs (within reason) to show you he's in it for the long run.
No man parts with his dollars on this scale unless there's a benefit or he's just plain stingy inconsiderate and spoiled!?
Take Care - CAA
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2017): Wow what a tight ass. I'd probably point out everything you've done (giving him you old car for one!!) and say that you assumed on this occasion he'd be doing you a favour - as you've done him so many. I'd then get the car back, pay him what he charged and wish him goodbye and all the best with his future. A year into a relationship is a significant amount of time and whilst his skills and time are valuable the fact is you have done loads for him and it seems he has lacked any gratitude to return a favour. If he is in such a serious financial situation that he can't do it as a favour then he should have asked beforehand that you pick up the materials -most decent friends, let alone boyfriends, would then give you a hand with the work.
...............................
A
female
reader, Guardian wings  +, writes (6 March 2017):
Since it seems like he is not very financially stable, it's only fair for him to charge you for the materials, but definitely not for the work considering that you do things for him and pay all the time. I have been there and I know how it feels to have a financially unstable bf who starts taking your money for granted and additionally treats you like a parent who needs to provide with pocket money. When you do the chores no one pays you but when he does it, he deserves 'pocket money/allowance' which indicates, he's conveniently put himself in a dependent position in the relationship. Self respect does not come into play at all because in his head you are secure ie. privileged so you should provide. He sounds too entitled like my ex. In reality, you work hard too and deserve what you have. A boyfriend /husband ought to be an equal or if not, at least a person of high self respect. If you are better off than him, he shouldn't make you feel somehow guilty that he's not, or use you to even it out between you two by making you pay most of the time. Remember that the love between man and woman is not of high-low order but that of equals. If he can't afford the other half and upon that, uses an opportunity to charge you where it was labor and not materials, that too when you do so much work for him for free, then I'm sorry he's not after love alone. What next, he'll charge for meeting with you? For giving a good kiss? Ideally, it is an unstated rule to share bills and also to never charge for labor in a relationship. My mother makes me tea every day, if I had to pay her for the materials, labor and profit, then I'd probably wish to crawl back into the womb and never come out. (JK)
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (6 March 2017):
 I would have expected him to charge for the materials but not the labour. Did he charge for both?
You are doing stuff for him all the time but you cannot do this on the assumption he will do the same for you. If he charged you for his labour on this occasion, then he has very different morals to you.
Assuming he is of a similar age to you, why can he not even afford an old car but needing your hand-me-down?
This relationship seems to be very one-sided from what you have described - you give, he takes. Don't be a door mat.
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (6 March 2017):
Wow! I would have never charged you with the possible exception of materials if it amounted to much.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (6 March 2017):
 What was the AGREEMENT before he did the work?
IF there WASN'T one... no, he can't charge you AFTER the fact. However, you could pay for either all or SOME of the materials he used.
And stop doing things for him and his. Maybe even consider that he is NOT really the kind of guy you want to be with long term.
You cooking for him and his family doesn't mean he somehow OWES you. My guess is, he doesn't HAVE the money to pay for all the material he used. So if that is the case, help the fella out. I wouldn't pay a dime for the hours HE put into it, but I would pay for the materials. After all, you got the DEMO done for free.
IF there WAS an agreement, pay up.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2017): hmmm... I don't really think he should have charged if you gave him your old car--unless your old car really wasn't working well and it was more of a hassle to own than anything. However, it is a tricky situation. He may see that as his livelihood (being a handyman) and thus feel that if he is pouring in hours to redoing your house he deserves to be reimbursed. This is one of those money fights that doesn't necessarily have a right or wrong answer, because you can both probably make good arguments for who bought what on which occasions, and it would just go back and forth indefinitely. In his defense removing the walls and ceiling and putting in plastic is a huge job, not just a "oh I'll fix the leaky faucet honey" kind of thing.It certainly would have been nice for him to offer to do the job for free, or at least to give you a discount. I think you should discuss your concerns with him, explaining that you do feel you contribute a lot at other times such as cooking/groceries and giving him the car. But hear out what he has to say too.
...............................
A
female
reader, Campari Milano +, writes (6 March 2017):
ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!!!
You say you are dating him, but it's been a year! He is either your boyfriend,or he isn't. From what you've said, he should not have charged you for the work. If he loves you, he would want to help you out.
I have to say thst it sounds a bit like this guy is taking you for a ride. Obviously, I don't know you, or him, but from what you have said, I wouldn't stand for it.
If you have already paid him for the work, either have an honest discussion and get the money back, or don't pay for anything for him until he pays you some respect. Financially and in your relationship!
YOU DESERVE TO BE TREATED BETTER THAN THIS!!!!!
...............................
|
