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My boyfriend can't support himself, doesn't seek out jobs, is a druggie, can't drive, wont educate himself, is overweight, and wants to marry me! Do I stick to it and try to find him a job, again?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 May 2011) 3 Answers - (Newest, 30 May 2011)
A female Brazil age 26-29, anonymous writes:

Hello, are u ready to read??

I don't know what to do anymore, we've been going out for more than 3 years now and he has never got a job. We are 25 years old, i'm a university student and i work and live with my parents, so i do have a little income. His better job ever was at a friend's furniture shop, who gave him this job when he quit secondary school -he hasn't finished school and is never going to finish it, i know that.

He used to be my friend, a special friend.. u know.. and at the time we started dating, he looked Very fat, long haired, long bread, old outfit, but i loved him and i fell for him.. i've been really happy for the 1st 2 years, although i was worried about him not getting a job or wanting to study. His grandmother gave him money to go out with me, i believed coz she saw he had made gd change (he had his hair cut, and started worrying about his body and look) but he is still didnt want to work or study, finnaly i convinced him to start a cooking (bakery) class where he didnt need to have finished school. He went there all year long and he enjoyed it (but i had to pay his last 2 months coz he had a quarrel w/ his mom and she didnt gave him anymore money -it costed me 1/3 my income each but i wanted him to end his course). Of course i had to pay everytime we went out... Now i can't get him a job and he seems not to care about it, he doesnt wanna go search for a job he only reads the newspapers once a week to see if there's anything published.. i've even made an email account and a CV for him and I send emails and check it for him -he doesnt even remember its password.

Her grand mother gifted him an expensive bycicle and that's all he cares about, bike, sex, weed, sex, going to the cinema, sex, and his stoner friends. That's all he does. When we go out i ussually have to pay, unless he has taken some money from his grandma, by doing shopping for her, or something.. I work and study a lot and i cannot be with him 24/7 and he seems to be sticked to me all the time, he comes with me to university and leaves me at the door and waits for me to get out, riding his bike around the town or at a cyber cafe. He comes to visit me at work and gets mad if i have work to do an my shop and i dont stay outside talking to him. I hate driving, but i have to drive him everywhere coz he doesn't even drive MY car coz he doesnt have a licence, (of course he doesnt have one and i don't care if he doesnt, but he could at least drive for me)...although he passed the writting exam for it, he didnt go for the parking one...so he didnt get the license. I know what you're thinking, why doesn't she dump him and that's it? But i have to tell u more..

I really love him, i know i've said lots of negative things, but there are positive ones too.. I met him when i was at my worst, i was feeling very lonely and sad, he brought joy to my poor life, i didnt wanna go out on weekends anymore, whenever he is around i find peace (if i dont think about the negative stuff i can say i can be just happy next to him) he is very funny when he wants to (of course.. he has no worries in life) he only worries about me leaving him or being unfaithful. He sometimes cooks something sweet for me and usually comes visit me with a chocolate in his hands. When i sleep in his arms, i feel its the best place i could ever be.. he makes me feel pretty.. he makes me smile when im sad.. and he wants to marry me.. STOP! here it is when all the bad things come again to my mind...

everytime he talks about marriage i tell him we cannot get married coz we cannot live on our own coz we couldn't afford it (i should say I cant afford both of us, but i dont want to be so direct, i dont wanna hurt him..) He has had a complicated life, his mother lied to him about his father, well to sum up he didnt grow up with a dad, his mother always said her other son was his favourite, not a very nice childhood, he was terrible at school, he was not teached about working habits, etc, every good thing he's got he got it since we are 2gether.. (well he did have fun with his friends b4, but he didnt do anything for his future life or even his present life)... I dont wanna leave him alone.. he has been left alone many times in life, he doesnt love anybody except from me and his grand mother- who also betrayed him about his father but he doesnt want to see that coz he loves her so much. i also dont think i would be happy without him.. i dont think so.. my life would be meaningless again.. tho i have to admit i have stop seing friends, going out with some groups i used to meet because he is too jealous, and i hardly ever see my old friends because every free second i got i spend it with him.. i am really tired on weekends, so he gets disappointed since i cannot go to parties with him as we used to, (coz they start at like 3 or 4.am and i just want to sleep at that time). He always tells me he couldnt live without me, he has quit doing drugs for me (this is the 1st thing that comes to my mind whenever i start thinking of splitting up, i dont want him to come bk to this bad habits..)

There are many reasons why i dont dare to get away from his life, i've done so much for him and he has been so good to my soul.. but lately i'm not feeling its being enough if i want to spend the rest of my life with him, i cant project anything, i cant think of having a child coz i feel i already have one.. :( it is like having a teenage kid, u love him but u have to put up with him. I used to dream about getting a job abroad, but i gave up to my dream because he cant speak any other language and is not interested on learning..

Im desperate, i dont know what to do, i've tried my best to help him be "someone" and i could do some good.. but i forgot i also had to worry about myself, i stopped studying for a year and i lost my uni friends, now they are finishing it while im still trying to pass to my last year.. so this year i decided not to pay SO MUCH attention to his "problems" and just enjoy the nice moments we have together but, i found out i cannot even buy a pair of shoes coz i aint got extra money at the end of the month coz i spend it all in eating out and cinema.. On the other hand he does have his expensive bike and only thinks of getting some money to buy a better one..

i feel sad coz i cant tell this to anyone.. in my family he is not very well seen, my friends dont say anything, but i dont want to tell them all this coz i dont want them to hate him or gossip behind us.. this is why im writting to you, i need someone to hear to my prob.. well this is supposed to be a question right?

The question is..

What should i do?

-Should i keep trying help him find a job that makes him feel happy and useful?

-Or should i give up and just enjoy the good times together and hope some day he will actually DO something, or gets bored of boring, working me and goes with someone else?

-Or should i dump him, and stay with this lonely and guilty feeling, of knowing i had someone who loved me, but i left him go and hurt him, and made him hurt himself again, and (i didnt talk about this, but he sais he would kill anybody else i would date after him).

-Do u think i should go to a psychologist to sort my life out? ive thought about it many times but i'm not sure if im ready to do so.. I think im scared, and i dont want my parents to worry for me wanting to see a psychologist.

I know this has been too long talking but i wanted u to read the pros and cons.. it has helped me to write all this down too.. i would write longer tho, but u must be already too bored so i hope somebody writes some advice for me please.....

View related questions: at work, drugs, grandmother, his ex, jealous, live with my parents, money, overweight, university

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A female reader, Abella United States + , writes (30 May 2011):

Abella agony auntHe knows just how far to go to keep you feeling needed. He keeps tabs on you to ensure his meal/cinema ticket does not escape his grasp. He's a man, not a boy. But a truly irresponsible one at that.

He's financially abusing you. He's socially isolating you from people you could network with to move ahead in your career.

Just watch how 'loving' he is if you can no longer finance his needs.

Watch how hard he will try to get you pregnant or marry you when he gets paranoid about losing you.

He's lazy, spoilt by his female relatives, has an expectation that he is entitled to far more than he gives.

He has a nasty side, and you will see it when you no longer support his needs.

Better that you see his nasty side, it will make breaking up with him easier.

This guy is trouble for you.

And what a manipulator! Many people are born without a known father, and they get over it. They do not use that as an excuse to garner a 'sympathy' vote to get people to do favors for them.

I know two particularly fine wonderful people who are unaware of who their father ever was in each instance. Neither mother would or could tell them. They have forged a good relationship with their respective Moms and Step-Dads. And they have gone on to create good careers and good lives. Yes they remain sad that they will never know their biological fathers, but neither have ever used that as an excuse to avoid getting on with their lives.

If you can find the courage, the best solution would be to pull back from supporting him financially, let him think you are doing some addition studies or family responsibilities (get your parents on side) have loomed, that mean you need to stay home more. Find a better way to get to and from work than being beholden to him.

Keep him out of your plans, as he will try to thwart and sabotage your plans, before they come to fruition.

As soon as possible get that overseas job.

Leave quietly for that job, with no farewell.

He may or may not grow up, if you leave him. He will always blame someone for the fact that he acts irresponsibly.

But he will never grow up, while people stay helping him, allowing him to lean on others, and including using you.

You have been far too kind to him. You have given him far more than he deserves.

And in return he bleeds you dry financially, and actively works against you developing your talents and skills to your full potential.

Your friends must be so sad, to see a talented lovely person like you, be so sucked in by this 25 year old man, who is not worthy of you. He was acting like a spoilt Mommy's boy (has his mother seen through her lazy son?) and is still acting like a spoilt grandmother's boy (his grandmothers helps him to think everyone owes him).

He likes his grandmother because she supports him financially. Do you see a pattern here?

Don't throw your life away on him.

When you finally find a responsible ambitious kind and caring man don't be so willing to give, give, give to the new guy. Allow yourself to be treated like a princess by the next guy and forge an equitable caring relationship. Make sure there are opportunities for a new man to take the initiative to show you how a real man takes care of a woman he loves.

You have been missing out on a real relationship with a real man. It's time you learnt the joy of how good that can be.

But career opportunities and a good positive relationship with a real man will not happen if you stay with your current loser boy friend.

Yes, if you feel really guilty about finishing with your current guy and building your career, then yes, do see a psychologist to help clarify your feelings and get some direction happening in your life. A psychologist is just a help. All the real work to make these changes will have to come from you. Good Luck.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (30 May 2011):

chigirl agony auntEvery relationship has pro's and con's. Typically, it is a question of how much is too much. In this case it is not difficult to see that this is a dysfunctional relationship. Sure, he makes you happy, and you make him happy. But, really?

You want a future with a husband, children, a good steady job. If you marry this guy, your life will be worse than it is right now. You will be stuck in a rut with him, wont be able to go anywhere because he can't afford, or be bothered, to follow. He's jealous, so it's not like you can go anywhere else. He's disrespectful, since he thinks he has a right to get upset when you work and don't have time for him. He sounds dumb, Im sorry. But if you don't work, he wont be able to mooch off of you and eat out and do the things you do together. Yet he still feels he has a right to get upset if you're busy? Thats really dumb.

And then there is the drug issue. If he was smart, he'd quit for his own sake. If he quit for your sake, and you left him... well, he'd be dumb if he went back to using drugs. But, nit to make you sound naive, I don't think he's quit the drugs. He's just telling you he has. Do you even know how much money drugs cost??!?! It isn't cheap, I can tell you that! And if he's been a druggie.. my money is on that he is still a druggie. He hangs out with the same druggie friends as before, fat chance of him, with his character, is able to stay away from it.

If he did stay away from the drugs you should have seen him having a lot more money than he currently does. Yet, he doesn't pay for anything.

The money you earn should be used on YOU. You earned it. You need that money for yourself. Pay your own way, and if he can't pay his way, then you can't do anything together.

What you have here is not a boyfriend. You said that he is just interested in sex, drugs, his bike, more sex, etc. You are only interested in him for his ability to make you feel pretty. So, you're only with him because it makes you feel better. You spend your money on him so you will feel better. Because you know if you stopped, and if you asked him to step up and be a man and not a boy, the illusions would fade away and you'd not get the same amount of attention from him. I think you're scared to figure out how much he truly values you, so you keep paying, and you keep up with this bullshit of his, so you can have your moment of feeling pretty.

Feeling good about one self comes from one self. Not from an outside source. If you make yourself feel great, what use do you have from this relationship? Nothing. This man is pulling you down.

Can you imagine a future with him? You already said you can't. Then you need to cut loose. You know it's not going to work to try and live his life for him. If he's to have a job, he needs to find it himself. After these years, you know he's not going to want to do it. He's not a pet of yours! You can't take him out for walks, pay for his food, find him a job, and brush his hair and make him perfect. He's a human, a childish immature boy, who can't take care of himself. And no matter how much he reminds you of a cute puppy that you love to snuggle with, you need a MAN. As it is, you'd be better off actually buying a dog, it'd serve the exact same purpose as your boyfriend currently is.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2011):

sorry to be negative but RUN AWAY FAST!!! his type will NEVER change and your just enabling him to mooch off you...that is why he proposed.

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