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My boyfriend can't stop masturbating to porn!

Tagged as: Pornography, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (19 November 2011) 12 Answers - (Newest, 23 November 2011)
A female age 18-21, *irl8867 writes:

Dear Cupid,

So a while ago, my boyfriend confessed to watching porn and said he would stop. He thinks it's a bad thing. A teeny bit recently, i told him how i felt about it and he said "sorry for doing that" and promised he'd stop again. Then MORE recently I asked him if he was hiding something from me. he said no then i said "promise?" he still said no. then i said "swear to god?" and he said... noo.. and told me that he'd done it. AFTER he promised he wouldn't. Now he's telling me that "I haven't done it, but it's sooo tempting.." and he told me that while i was upset already and that made me more upset. He doesn't want to have sex with me, but he'd rather masturbate to some "hot chick" having sex with some guy... It really seems that my boyfriend only thinks about SEX and his PENIS. And he's trying to stop masturbating, but he isn't doing a good job... I really am upset about this. I can't tell him I am or he will be all moody and distant from me.. I really need help... I'm on the verge of crying.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2011):

This guy has probably been masturbating to porn since, age 10-13 years as having a PC has made it so much easier for youth, boys and girls, to get ahold of it and view it.

So fast forward 7 years of porn usages- could be addicted to it and therefore is he just going to stop cold turkey?

NOPE.

Especially if he has trained himself to self gratification and porn together means getting off. Its easier, doesn't require foreplay, he can do it whenever he wants and in private means he can watch who knows what. That's why most porn viewers will keep porn so private or lie about usage.

Its something they know or feel they shouldn't be doing and has a lot to do with they feel out of control and therefore embarassed by their lack of control, they can watch the less mainstream and graphic, violent, even degrading, zoo sex and so forth. Which they know most of society says it TABOO to downright SICK.

I don't think it does you any good to be in a relationship with someone who may be addicted.

I have very clear expectations from the men I date and love and guess what, hasn't been an issue becasue I am forthright about it and chose the type of man that is okay with having sex with me and me being all they need over porn and masturbation.

I've been happier because of my clear expectations.

So really, its you expecting to force change when really I see it as the Dude is helpless because he is most likely an addict.

So give him up and find a better suited Boyfriend.

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A female reader, Miamine United Kingdom +, writes (23 November 2011):

Miamine agony auntIt's not that we don't understand. You don't want porn in your relationship and you feel upset and betrayed. But this guy has shown he's a porn user, and porn users will lie if somebody tries to force them to give it up. At 20years old, of course he thinks about his penis and sex. That is totally normal, it's how the human body works. Men hide their pornography usage, because they don't want to hurt their girlfriends, or they feel their girlfriends will look down on them for being so interested in sex.

There are ways that you both can compromise, so he gets something and so do you. But if your stance is NO PORN in my relationship. Then you must leave him and find somebody else.

Most men look at pornography, not all, but most will either actively enjoy it, or will look at it if it is put in front of their face. Gay people and women also look at pornography so it's not just a man thing. There are also men who hate pornography, or won't use it in a relationship.

In a relationship, you can't change people, you can't force people to think like you. You can only change yourself, or get out of the relationship to find somebody else.

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A female reader, girl8867  +, writes (23 November 2011):

girl8867 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

girl8867 agony auntWell, I don't mind if he MASTURBATES. It's the PORN that bothers me. And He is 20 years old.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2011):

You definitely can't stop him watching porn. Funnily enough, most men watch it sometime in their life time. You are a teenager? So I take it your boyfriend is around 16 years old. It's very normal for a guy at that age to be very horny and very turned on by fake, big boobed women in porn vids!!

What you need to do is let him be. The more you get upset, try to find out whether he is, tell him its wrong or whatever else , the more he will hide it from you and continue it.

As long as he is satisfying you as well, then theres no harm in him looking at porn.

If on the other hand he is denying you any sexual pleasure, because he is masturbating too much or choosing masturbation over you, then you should dump him and find someone else. When youre in a relationship, you need to meet the other persons needs. If he isn't meeting yours then he needs a wake up call and thats by you leaving him for someone who does want to pleasure you!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2011):

You mentioned he likes to watch "hot chicks". Well, if that's the case, maybe you need to teach him just how fake these "hot chicks" are and then see if he thinks they're so hot.

Here's a list of things you can tell him about, because as a teenage guy, I'm sure he's clueless about at least some of them:

Breast implants, breast lifts, labiaplasty, loads of make up (and not just eyeliner, the whole face), fake tan, hair extensions, fabulous light tricks, camera filters, and angles. (The people filming it are professionals and know what angles to film someone from to make them look their absolute best.)

Oh, and don't let anyone tell you that you should just "get over it, it's a guy thing". That's stupid advise, and it solves nothing. You can't help how you feel as there's no on/off switch for feelings. Just because it's "normal" doesn't make it right and doesn't mean you have to put up with it. Although I do agree you can't force him to change, but if he does indeed watch it for the "perfect" women, teaching him a few things about these women may help him lose interest. It's amazing how many guys think the women in the videos look that good because of genetics and that they were chosen to do porn because of their "good genetics". No one has taught them about any of this fake stuff, so they have no way of knowing.

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A male reader, unknown2u United States +, writes (20 November 2011):

I'm looking at your age here - 16/17. So this is a high school dating situation. "He doesn't want sex with me" - so I read that as, again, a high school situation where you're dating and not having sex.

Boys in their teenage years have serious raging hormones. "It really seems that my boyfriend only thinks about SEX and his PENIS." Yes, that's exactly right. Wanting to stop that is like wanting to stop the wind from blowing. If you think for a second that you can stop that, you are badly mistaken. Yes, you can guilt him away from porn, but you will never stop him masturbating. And why on earth would you want to? What earthly business of yours is his masturbation?

Here's the deal. If you don't want him to masturbate, then you show up three times a day to give him a handjob. Or twice a day for a blowjob. Don't like that idea? That's why he masturbates. Get off his case.

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A male reader, deuce United States +, writes (20 November 2011):

My ex girlfriend made me promise her that i would stop watching porn, i tried but it never worked. Watching porn its just kind of a part of masturbation. I'm married and watch porn with my wife, she even watches porn alone. Watching porn doesnt mean they are doing something terrible, its just something to look at while your masturbating. No guy will ever stop porn, maybe you two should watch it together and really connect

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A male reader, Cupid Boy Canada +, writes (19 November 2011):

Cupid Boy agony auntLook at the facts here:

1. Your bf confessed on his own to watching porn, without being asked

2. He thinks porn is a bad thing and was trying to stop on his own, without being asked

3. When he does do it, he's more or less truthful about it, doesn't lie or hide

Most porn watchers aren't truthful and/or don't think it's bad. It almost seems like your guy's biggest mistake was telling you the unvarnished truth. As a result, you think less of him for being a young guy who masturbates. If you say he only thinks about sex (surely an exaggeration), it would be even worse if he didn't masturbate.

"He doesn't want to have sex with me"

And at 16-17 years old, that's a problem? Outside of a loving, long-term relationship, sex is a risky venture. I -- and probably even your parents -- would say masturbation was a lot safer than real sex until you and your bf are both mature adults who could handle a pregnancy if it happened (which can result from sex no matter how careful you are. Just ask my friend.). Are you fully ready for the world of STDs, birth control, contraceptives, and accidental pregnancies? Society would be chaos if everyone had sex whenever they felt the need instead of just pleasuring themselves in private.

Everyone who makes resolutions fails at them sometimes. Ask anyone who's been on a diet. Avoiding porn in today's world will soon be like avoiding baked goods in a bakery. But just because something is ubiquitous doesn't make it healthy or harmless. Your bf is already trying to cut out the pornos. You don't even need to convince him. Why not encourage that effort instead of berating him for occasional failures?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2011):

Women and porn. The age old dilemma.

You will NEVER get him to stop watching. It's not because he's choosing it over you, it's because at his age, I admit this is an assumption here, his sexual drive is just sky-rocketing and he wants to have sex so much more than you could ever understand. You have to be a guy to know what it's like to have the sex drive just ramped up to near unmanageable levels.

The best you can ask for, and all you can rightfully expect, is that he not let his usage interfere in your own sex life. For example, if he is blowing off the chance to make the best with two back with you... so he can masturbate to porn, then he has an issue.

If he's wanking off in spare time, when you aren't around, aren't in the mood or have had a massively hard day and expecting his sexual needs to be met would be borderline cruel to you... then he needs to keep that desire to bone under control somehow. Lack of sexual release creates very dangerous and unstable men.

So sit down, have a chat to him about it, tell him you think he porn usage is beginning to adversely affect your sexual relationship and you feel the he should cut down a little and focus more on getting it out.

Or just take control and have sex if you really must. Guy's like that sometimes, when our women want us so bad that they can't hold back any longer.

Amp up the excitement. Have sneaky public sex (just make sure you don't get caught), role play, watch porn together... do whatever you have to do to keep things interesting, you both have fantasies, why not explore them together? You'd be surprised how much his porn use will downsize when he has a veritable pool of lustful shenanigans to tap into in his beloved, and how much more fun you'll have as well as you go about learning just how insane and pleasurable you guys can make it for each other.

It will never die. He'll always find time for porn, he's a guy... a teenage guy, it's almost a genetic requirement that we watch porn from the onset of puberty, in fact it would be weird if we didn't. Just make sure it's kept at a reasonable level and discreet and you should no problems.

-Anon

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (19 November 2011):

YouWish agony auntYou can't tell him to stop using porn. All the upset-ness and interrogating and checking up on him will not stop him. He'll only lie better to you and hide it better.

Unfortunately, he is a porn addict if it's interfering with his ability and desire to have sex in real life. However, he won't stop, and you can't make him stop masturbating either. It's just what the majority of guys do.

If you want to be with him, you'll have to accept that he is a porn user. You can't chase him trying to get him to stop. He has to decide for himself. As a porn addict, it will keep getting in the way of his relationships if he's doing it to excess and not wanting real physical intimacy with a woman.

A porn addict can't just stop. It's not so easy...it's like smoking or heroin....porn is his drug. He made the promise to you, but he cannot keep it.

It's up to you. You must fully accept his porn use, or walk away from the relationship. However, don't be surprised that many other guys out there also use porn recreationally, so if the whole idea of porn or masturbation bothers you, you might be up for a rude awakening. Most guys use it occasionally or recreationally, like when you're away or during times of stress or boredom. Not so many use it every day or several times per day, which indicates addiction.

The choice is yours, but to stay with him means that his porn use can no longer upset you to the verge of crying. You'll have to accept it as a part of him.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2011):

You can't stop someone from masturbating. You also cannot force a person to stop masturbating. It is a personal choice and he has every right to do it. He confessed to you?? Great. But don't get upset about it. Most guys look at porn, for that "release." At least he isn't hiding it from you.

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A male reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (19 November 2011):

olderthandirt agony auntIt's pretty common for guys to get off to porn. He's not unusual so you may just have to get used to it.

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