A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been in a committed gay relationship for over 5 years now. My boyfriend and I no longer have sex, and it's been long past a year since we have done anything sexual with each other at all.We have discussed it several times, he even went to a doctor. Essentially what we have realized is that we are on extreme polar opposites of the libido spectrum. I am a highly sexual person, and he is not.I can't go on not having sex. This is breaking my heart, and I love him in every other way dearly. When I asked him for suggestions to this problem, he said "do whatever makes you happy."What are my options?? Is this common?? Help. Please.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey everyone. Thanks so much for your kind responses. The last month has been turbulent, and in the end, my boyfriend and I parted ways. It's for the best. Thanks again everyone. Xo
A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify  +, writes (19 May 2012):
 i meant cheating- sorry about the spelling, my bad?
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A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (19 May 2012):
sometimes in one essential area you can be uncompatible with someone. it could be their level of intelligence, or their attitude to money/ life goals. in this instance its incompatible differences in sex drives.
its up to you- can you cope without sex. two answers so make your choice. chating to fill the gap even if he condones it wont be the same as someone who cane express their love with you. its juts not a great substitute
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2012): A quick and simple solution would be a sex toy, no cheating and you would still be able to be in a fully committed relationship.
Try love honey, they have loads of male focused sex toys.
However, it does seem like an emotional problem too, perhaps talk to him a bit more and try to find more reasons behind his lack of enthusiasm in that area.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2012): It is common and it doesn't improve. If you want sex to be a big part of your relationship then you will need a different partner. That is the bottom line.
No amount of discussing or counselling will remedy this situation. I'm sorry.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2012): When your boyfriend says "do whatever makes you happy" did he clearly state where he draws the line? I mean, is this code for he wants to break up? Or is he willing for this to become an open relationship (where you are allowed to sleep with other guys as long as your bf knows about it beforehand and approves).However, it doesn't sound like your relationship has always been like this? you've been together for 5 years, but only in the last year has it gotten this bad, right? That suggests to me it's more a relationship or psychological block in him, than a medical condition which is why him seeing a doctor may not have done any good. even if you've not been sexual with each other for over a year, what about affection and romance? I would suggest that you two get some couples counseling.
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A
female
reader, Denise32  +, writes (17 May 2012):
 One other thought: could your bf have a low testostorone level?? It is, I believe something he could be tested for and if that is the reason for his lack of interest in sex, could be treated. Were things more satisfactory in the earlier stages of your relationship?
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (17 May 2012):
This is obviously an untenable state of affairs for you.
It might not be a bad idea for you to talk to a counsellor about your concerns and your options before you make any hasty or radical decisions.
You have discussed it with him, and he has seen a doctor but with no satisfactory result for you. Is he telling you to pleasure yourself? How would both of you feel if you were to find another man to have sex with? I'm not recommending that particular option because it could really damage your relationship if you were to fall in love with another man........on the other hand, how would you feel about calling your relationship quits?
But this is why I think it might possibly help you to explore with a counselor - maybe a sex therapist - who might assist both of you in achieving some kind of resolution. At the very least, your partner did see a doctor, so possibly he would be willing to talk to a sex therapist..........
I hope this is at least of some help.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2012): "he said 'do whatever makes you happy.' " As a much older gay guy, I can attest from personal experience that's there's nothing quite like the rush of exhilerating ecstacy one feels upon calling a useless a-hole's bluff and dumping a dead weight, brain dead boyfriend. Not saying you should leave him, but seems like he's not exactly trying to make an effort to demonstrate a willingness to show some mutual respect and consideration of your needs.One note of caution: In any event, do NOT cheat; either leave him or continue working on a resolution while relying on ever-relaible, ever-available, never-blows-you-off-with-flip-response Plan B. Righty or lefty? Given current circumstances, probably a good idea to learn to use off hand, at one time thirty years ago I could crush a Volkswagen with my right hand but couldn't lift a thimble with my left. Plus different pressure points, different sensations, also evens out the friction burns.
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