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My boyfriend and I have very different views

Tagged as: Big Questions, Dating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (13 May 2018) 9 Answers - (Newest, 14 May 2018)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I have very different views of life to my partner. We get along great, I am very comfortable with him, he goes out of his way for me, we like each other's company, he makes me feel attractive and is into me.

However, sometimes he says things that make me think "what are you saying" amd make me gobsmacked.

For example, we were talking about children being expensive to bring up, and he said "my friend got saddled with paying for a kid he never even sees". I was gobsmacked because by saying that he implies that the woman in the scenario who became pregnant, was in the wrong for taking money from his friend for "her" expensive child/mistake. He's implying the woman and child have no right to be supported financially, that they should fend for themselves.

Now, I don't know the full story, it was just my boyfriends attitude that surprised me. He has expressed a dislike of children, like, not ambivalent, but active dislike. Which doesn't really bother me as I do not wish to reproduce, however, I like children and think he should respect that they are human beings who deserve the support of the man as well as the woman responsible for bringing them here.

Anyway, the point is, I get annoyed by comments like this, try to start a discussion but he doesn't want to hear my point of view.

Another thing he said tonight, while watching the Eurovision song contest, when the Israeli singer came out, a larger sized woman, with confidence, he said, "oh God it's not one of those fat girls who thinks she's thin, is it?"

For a start, I'm a size 18, and I am not ashamed of myself like I suppose I should be, and I was shocked because he is with me and finds me attractive but called this woman, gorgeous, bright woman, same size as me, a "fat girl who thinks she's thin". I told him, "don't call her fat, she's the same size as me, I'm a size 18". He just said "you're not fat, you're not a size 18". I said "I am, that is literally a true fact." Like why was he shaming a "fat girl" for dressing up and having confidence that only a "thin girl" should have. I am a fat girl, I don't let it bother me, I know I can be thin if I put my mind to it, but right now I am working on other things first, but I will lose some weight slowly this year too.

I don't know, I am just disappointed in how he thinks sometimes. I guess, we are just different people in our world views. I know he has these notions from other men and his life experience. I am just disappointed. Why do people have to be horrible about other people?

I have tried talking to him when a topic like this comes up between us but he'll engage so far, then get fed up and end the conversation. I want to know why he thinks this way, and I want him to listen to what I think about the subject. We coukd learn from each other, but he doesn't want to.

View related questions: confidence, money

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2018):

Oh well it's your choice at the end of the day . You say he's not a massive asshole like other men you've been with but honestly he doesn't sound like a great catch and staying with someone simply because they are not as bad as some of the men you've been with sounds like a recipe for disaster

And kind of a negative way to look at it when there are plenty of men who are great AND respect women .

Your choice , just remember you will never change anyone and you have Made the CHOICR to be with a man who doesn't have much respect for women , let alone heavier women or single moms

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (14 May 2018):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntYou repeatedly mention that he _____ more than your exes, but that doesn't make him compatible or a decent guy. It's still settling to choose a guy who's a bit better than the rest, even when he has horrible, hurtful views.

It's up to you, but ignoring red flags is a bad idea and so is trying to change his views of telling him off for them. You're getting an insight into what he really thinks and you're choosing to see it as minor, instead of a clear indication of disrespect, sexism, transphobia and issues with larger women existing, etc.

Good luck.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2018):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Hmm... We do talk and I did tell him exactly what I thought. He just said can we stop, I don't want to argue about it, basically. He has negative views on a few issues, I guess I would call him closed minded in some respects, that's the way he is. For example, he can't understand transgender people. He gets annoyed by some types of people. Whereas, I try not to be judgemental and try to understand people.

I don't think he is trying to undermine me, I know he finds my body attractive, more so than other men, I've been with. He doesn't like children because he finds them annoying and bothersome. I did tell him off for saying that his mate was "saddled" with child support. I told him that if you sleep with women without a condom, you are responsible for what happens. He does have some sexist views, I must say. Like, contraception is all on the woman, but this has changed since we've been together.

I know he's not perfect, no man is, and I certainly am not either. Most of the time he is respectful of me and the females in his life. He's been more respectful than most of the men I've been with. He watches porn, but not a lot. I know many men have underlying sexist views of women, they just don't usually say what they think in front of women. I looked on Urban Dictionary and there is a term for "fat girls who think they are thin" which is "fat girl syndrome", which isn't very kind. I know a lot if people, men and women feel this way about fat people anyway, it's not news to be. I was just surprised because he often telks me hiw attractive and sexy I am and that he doesn't think I need to lose weight. It's obviously different when its a fat girl in TV. When I told him that I am probably the same size as the Iranian singer, he didn't reply. He couldn't say anything.

I think I should talk to him about my views when he says unkind, disrespectful things about people. It's not often. I always do tell him what I think. He tikd me that I challenge him and he's not been with a woman who challenges him before. But he can only seem to hear me to a certain point then it feels like I am lecturing him.

We also disagree on war. He's an ex-soldier, I am a pacafist and a bit of a hippy. It's just one of those things about him, he is who he is. I accept that is who he is. I'm getting a lot from us being together so just because he can be a bit of a dick sometimes, I am not going to leave him. He's overall a great guy and much better that the massive arseholes I've been with before, so....

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A male reader, DarrellG United Kingdom +, writes (13 May 2018):

DarrellG agony auntHmmm well I think you need to ask yourself a hard question here. I dont think you are as compatible as your first paragraph makes out you are and you are maintaining this relationship principally because it makes you feel good which is ok but not everything.

I think certain differing views are ok. Politically I am the outspoken side so I dont really expect my partner to share my point of view though it probably helps. Really, the issue is not where you differ but whether those are tolerable within the framework of the relationship and impact upon how he treats you.

What he said about the Eurovision singer is a problem because it has impacted your perception of how he views you and you need to take that up with him. Him closing you down is also disrespectful and wrong.

In regards to what he said about children it was crass and certainly not my point of view but then again I only see it as a material problem if you wanted to have children which you state you dont.

I think to be honest you need to ask yourself if this is for you and if these issues are not symptoms of deeper problems. For example, you say he makes you feel attractive but then the Eurovision comment seems to have made you think he doesnt find you attractive. One to think about. Good luck.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (13 May 2018):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntHe sounds like a jerk. You could do much better than someone who is actively against women and children. These are red flags and you think it's just a difference of opinion? It shows EXACTLY what he thinks of women.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2018):

Sounds like he has a problem with respecting women . Firstly he disrespected the woman who became a single mother and zpectwd her to be solely responsible for the decision of her and the man involved then he went ahead and body shames another woman over the size of her body .

It also sounds very passive aggressive towards you and a way of undermining your confidence

To me he sounds like a mysogynistic . Does he watch a lot of porn by chance ? It seems a lot of men do these days and so many have so little respect for women .

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A female reader, femmenoir Australia +, writes (13 May 2018):

femmenoir agony auntSorry, however, i meant to say, your partner should show "full respect" when in your company.

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A female reader, femmenoir Australia +, writes (13 May 2018):

femmenoir agony auntYour relationship, to you, may sound great for the most part, but to an outsider like me, it doesn't sound too good, to be brutally honest.

I don't think that your relationship is in dire straits, however, if you and your partner are to survive the long haul, then honestly, you guys need to sit down and talk things through.

You're right, your bf needs to listen to your thoughts/feelings to.

If he cannot do this, how on earth will you both spend the rest of your lives together.

No relationship is perfect, no matter what anybody says and every couple will have their fair share of ups and downs and this is to be expected within any "normal" relationship.

What's "not normal" is when two people cannot give and take, cannot meet each other halfway and refuse to hear their partners comments.

The relationship then becomes very one sided and imbalanced, leading to further issues and sometimes, more serious issues.

Your partners comments aren't very nice, nor respectful, to say the least.

He is way out of line making sexist comments about women, children and child support, etc;.

He shouldn't make comments about women's sizes either, certainly not in your presence, as that's so disrespectful to you as a woman.

The deeper issue here though is that, in his mindset, this is what he really thinks about men who have to pay child support for kids they don't see and larger sized women.

I'd be somewhat concerned about that.

He should learn to show some respect in your presence, as you show in his.

When he makes negative comments in your presence, he should be able to handle your reply to his comments and you've every right to speak too.

If he can dish out, yet cannot take, then this in and of itself, a bigger problem than you may realise.

Over a long period of time, you could end up feeling "contempt" for your partner and contempt never leads to anything good.

For you, negative underlying feelings may start to fester, leading to the occasional "blowout" and you and he wouldn't want to go there, so this is why, good, healthy communication, between a couple is so very important.

I think you should say whatever you want to say and you should demand that he listen.

You do this by simply asking him to show some respect toward you and to listen to what you have to say, OTHERWISE, you are not going to listen to him either.

Simply throw it back at him and give him a taste of his own medicine.

Watch how he reacts.

A relationship is a two way street and it's all about give and take.

You guys need to talk and the sooner you start, the better.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2018):

I had a little think about this...

I imagined him sitting there drinking coke with a pizza and crisps maybe a beer or two or three and sweeties with an over-hang going on there and with scruffy hair.

Let's just say I didn't see your boyfriend being Gods gift to anything!

Now I could be wrong and you obviously put up with it. But all (and I mean all) the men who judge twistedly and unfairly would and will have no place in my life.

But that's just Me!

his head sounds like a bag of worms!

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