A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I just wondered if anybody had any words of 'wisdom' for me. My boyfriend of a year has just gone into retreat - he is a Buddhist. He will be living at a hermitage in the middle of nowhere for an indefinite period - a year minimum.We are still 'together' so to speak, but I feel very alone and depressed. I wonder if I should let him go, I'm obviously not as important as his 'path'? Or join him on it? Which is something we have discussed. I have read alot about Buddhism and continue to be fascinted and inspired by the teachings.I'm confused and quite hurt that he went in the first place. But understand why he needed to do it as well.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much for all these bits of advice.Emily, I am funnily enough, trying to write a book as we speak.I appreciate the words from you all. It is a tough situation I am in, but each day is getting better and I will search for my own path myself and leave him to find his. If we meet somewhere in the middle that would be great, but I will not be putting all my hopes on it or follow the buddhist way just for him. It will have to be my choice alone.If it is meant to be it will be. I feel more positive already and your advice has helped alot in that. Thanks again.
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (14 August 2008):
I take it that you can see him while he's there but you'll just be long distance.
If so, then it surely won't be that bad?
What do you want to do in life? Use this time to get more qualifications, start a business, write a book.
If you go to this retreat just to follow him then you'll resent being in the middle of nowhere, and you'll distract him so he has to stay there longer than he would alone.
Stick it out. It's hard doing long distance but it makes you so much stronger as a couple.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, Deema +, writes (14 August 2008):
 Oh dear. I hear how painful this is for you, but trust me this is not a rejection of you, its just his need to follow who he is. It wouldn't matter if you were Madonna in a silver lame g string, he'd still have the need to go. If you went along you'd probably hate it if you weren't doing it for you 100%. If you are both spiritual I guess you know the old saying 'what must be must be'. He's going there for a reason. We don't know what that is, and this is happening to you for a reason too. Maybe its time for you to take care of you and do what comes to mind. You won't all apart without him - theres a big world out there waiting for you (and thanks, thats exactly the advice I just needed to give myself!!!!). Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (14 August 2008):
 It seems to me that you aren't as interested in this year of retreat as a learning experience for you, but more as a way to stay close to your boyfriend. I understand that you must feel very hurt and abandoned by him; like you said, his 'path' seems to be more important to him than you are.
If you feel that it will benefit you and add to your own personal growth, go do it. But if you're doing it just to stay physically close to him, I think that you'll be disappointed. I don't know much about Buddhism at all, but doesn't a year of retreat involve a lot of meditation, quiet time, and time alone?
I found this article interesting and food for thought, especially the argument that the focus on male monasticism, the withdrawal from everyday life, isn't actually a great way to approach spiritual life.
http://www.slate.com/id/2078486/
Perhaps you could take this year as a personal growth experience of your own. I'd take it as a year off from the relationship, personally. Build your other relationships with friends and family. You might even find another man who actually puts you first in his life. I guess it all depends on what you want out of life, and a relationship. He's made his decision, you have the power to make decisions for yourself.
I'd take that hurt and anger, and turn it to positive action for yourself. Live your life, fill it with people and activities, even if you have to force yourself a bit to do that. He's separated himself from you, there's no reason you can't separate yourself from him for this 'indefinite period.' Just because he's put his life on hold doesn't mean that you have to as well.
Best wishes.
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (14 August 2008):
 Sweetie, if his calling is to be a Buddist then let him go and do what he has to do. If you decide to join him then you must not do it just to be with him, but because you want to become a Buddist.
Honeygirl
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