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My BF says if I loved him I would have sex with him

Tagged as: Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (23 July 2009) 23 Answers - (Newest, 24 July 2009)
A female United States age 26-29, *avi writes:

I'm 19 and my boyfriend is 39. he said he loves me and if I loved him I would have sex with him. what should i do?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2009):

dude your 19?

he isnt worth it.

leave him, hes too old & probuly only wants to hit it & quit it then you're gunna end up feeling stupid

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A female reader, Mugzie69 United States +, writes (24 July 2009):

Mugzie69 agony auntIf he loved you, would he manipulate you with talk about performance based love?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2009):

"If you loved me then you would wait till marriage for sex."

Say that.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2009):

how about...if HE loved YOU, then he wouldn't pressure you into sex.

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A male reader, Red Green 0289 United States +, writes (24 July 2009):

Dump the old f*cker... 39 to 19... if he loved you he'd leave you along and date in his own generation... he's only after ONE THING, give it to him and watch him disappear!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2009):

Zavi you should give us more info you help you better.

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A male reader, S-Breeze13 United States +, writes (24 July 2009):

Don't let anyone pressure you into sex. If you aren't ready, then don't do it. If he can't except that leave. Tell him if he loved you, he would respect you and wait until you are ready.

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A female reader, natasia United Kingdom +, writes (23 July 2009):

natasia agony auntpersonally i don't think we have enough info here to help you. what are your feelings? do you want to have sex? is your problem the age gap? why are you with him? etc ...

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2009):

Ok I assume -male- anon. Allow me to be amoung the first. You are not the first on this post to suggest that she should just have sex with him but the reason i say this only to you is because your abvious sexism.

Now..

just as i would no more condone a person who came on and said

"If you love me, then you will buy me that blouse," I also do not condone this man's threat toward this young lady. To some, it's just sex, but to most, it's more.

Why not just buy the blouse to show you love her? Because, for some it's just money.. but for others, it's not that easy.

This man, and any person really should allow their relatinships to be formed in natural comfort. No person should ever be manipulated in this manner. He should love her in his way and accepts the way that she loves him, and they ways that she choses to tell him. If he is not happy with how that is, then he should not be with her.

It's not even so much the sex that has the best of my emotions in this post, but more, the idea behind his blackmailing behaviour. She has apparently shown him or told him that she does not want to have sex, (otherwise he wouldn't be using it against her love for him) and as someone who supposedly cared about her, he should respect that. He should let her make her own decision, (especially those involving her own body!) and not interfere or try to force her to do somethign that she does not want to do. And this applies to anythign not just sex.

But as far as the sex subject goes, maybe to you it is just sex. Maybe to a lot of others as well it means nothing. But if it meant nthing to her, then do you think she would be on this site, quetioning what she shoudl do? NO. She is troubled by this statement and looking for guidance. But if it were "just sex" then this would not be an issue would it? For some people, it's something special.. something you only do with those you care for. others only with thse you care for deeply, and some, only with the one whome you will marry. For some, your body is a temple and you should be careful and respectful with it.. for some, virginity and sex are representative of one's self respect and who they choose to be..

Now.. prehaps to you it is only sex, and maybe it is to me as well.. maybe it's not. But that's not the point. The point is that, it probably is more than that to this young lady and part of giving advice my friend, is not merelt an opinion. It's insight.. it's empathy.. it's much more than thoughts coming from personal experience. Not every person can do things just as you do them, and that is why we must try to read into peoples' feelings and needs and wants, in order to give them advice that truely fits their character.

~Sy.

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A female reader, smeedle United Kingdom +, writes (23 July 2009):

smeedle agony auntok like the others im gonna say "your 19 not 9" if your a virgin then I apologise now but also like uncle phil im gonna ask, how long has he been grooming you as this is what he has been doing.

The way I see it is give in or move on

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States + , writes (23 July 2009):

Tisha-1 agony auntIs it just me, or is someone reading into the female responses only what s/he chooses to see? Very strange. I'll wait until I get more detail from the OP.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2009):

Oh how predictable the female responses were!

You are 19; you didn't say you were a virgin, but either way, it's only sex and providing you take precautions why not just do it?

As far as love is concerned, what other intimate things you do are far more important....kissing, hugging, cuddling in bed - all that.

Sex will just confirm your feelings and you should not hold back from it.

Else you might lose him.

Watch the women fly into a frenzy now, and crucify me, but it's no big deal.

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A female reader, princesspayne United Kingdom +, writes (23 July 2009):

if he really loved you like he says he does then he wouldn't ask you that he would respect your wishes and take you in to consideration. i dont know if it would be your first time with anyone or that you want to wait till the relationship is ready in any case well done for waiting and dont give up for him he obviously doesnt respect you enough thanks for reading.

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A male reader, Livelife United States +, writes (23 July 2009):

I'm incredibly depressed that that line still works on people. It's one of the most manipulative things a guy (or girl) can say to someone they 'love'. Of course you SHOULDN'T have sex with him, he's not taking your feelings into consideration at all, he's being very selfish, immature, and manipulative. It's very unfair to you, or anyone, for someone to use that excuse on someone they care about. Please don't fall for this, you're better than that and deserve better than that. Trust me.

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A female reader, softballplaya United States +, writes (23 July 2009):

softballplaya agony auntI think you should decide what you want to do. If YOUR ready to have sex then do what feels right. However if your only planning to have sex with your boyfriend only because you feel thats the only way to prove your love to him then to me this isnt a very healthy relationship. Sex dosent mean love, and love dosent mean sex. You don't have to have sex with someone to prove your love to them and if hes going to say that thats how you do it, then its not right at all. I would say that hes not a good guy if he cant respect you, you don't have to answer anyones demands to show or prove your love. and if this guy really loved you, he wouldnt have you "prove" your love by having sex.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2009):

If he loved you, then his connection with you would be opened to you and if you loved him, then that connection becomes complete. Depending on what connections you two have, the flow between you and him would be natural and comfortable. Things like sex, secrets, history and deeper thoughts would naturally be opened up over time to their varying degrees.

If he loved you, then he 'should' know that you are not ready to give your body to him just yet. If you loved him, then you 'should' have known that you did not need to ask this question in the first place and would have came to you naturally. If you had to ask, it meant you aren't ready and he is giving you pressure. Therefore, he isn't connecting with you which can also translate that he doesn't actually love you.

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A male reader, Neboraic United Kingdom +, writes (23 July 2009):

If you loved him, then you would.

If he loved you, then he wouldnt pressure you into doing something you dont want to do.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2009):

For how many years has he been 'grooming' you?

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States + , writes (23 July 2009):

Tisha-1 agony auntThe question does sound like that of someone who is younger than 19. Also that line of reasoning is very shady for a man of 39. It certainly is manipulative.

How did you two meet? How long have you been boyfriend and girlfriend? Have you met each other's family? Do you share similar values and goals?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2009):

Oh contrare my dear.. If he loves you, then he will respect your decision to not have sex with him. That's a huge part of a real, and truely loving relationship: to respect one another's boundries. It looks like he, even at his old age, hasn't learned that yet.

But that's giving him the benefit of the doubt so let me tell you how I really feel:

He is manipulating you because you're young and prehaps he thinks of you as not so much on the bright side, if you know what i'm saying. Does he repsect your brain? I doubt it. Does he have faith in your intelligence and tell you it's one reason why he loves you? I doubt it.. becuase he is treating you like one of the dumbest people on earth. So don't prove him right.

Let me guess:

"Sex is about love.. it's a loving gesture and it represents a whole new level of a relationship. If you feel that love and feel that our relationship is meaningful, then you'll take that step with me. If you don't i'll assume you're not interested in every level of love with me.. that you don't care for me enough to do this with me.. "

Is it anything at all like that? Because if it is, it's bull shi*.

Be smart, be strong. You know what to do.. you just wanted to hear it from someone else. Becuase if you were truely stupid, as he is treating you, then you would've had sex with him. If you truely believed him and thought he was compltely right, you wouldn't be here asking for our help, now would you?

~Sy.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2009):

That is probably one of the most common phrases a man uses to get sex. How about, if he loved you, he would respect you and your wishes to wait? You could retaliate by asking him that but I doubt it will make things better. Tell him you want to wait until the time is right - make it absolutely crystal clear - as if you're playing around he might think you'll change your mind then. If he can't wait until you're ready to take it to that level then you should leave him.

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A female reader, eyeswideopen United States +, writes (23 July 2009):

eyeswideopen agony auntIt's blackmail, don't be a sucker.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2009):

You're 19?????

Interesting. I would have expected this question from someone - much - younger. Leave him, anyone that cares for you won't demand you satisfy them to show your love.

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