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My BF just got back from a trip and said he missed me but I had to contact him to make plans to see each other

Tagged as: Dating, Sex, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (20 January 2016) 5 Answers - (Newest, 20 January 2016)
A female age 41-50, anonymous writes:

Just want to know your take on my situation. I am not sure if there is cause for concern. I hope you can help me figure that out.

My boyfriend and I have been together 2 1/2 years. We have a great connection as friends and still after all this time we share an amazing sex life and sexual chemistry.

My concern is could there be a loss of interest on his side? Here is why I am here asking my question.

He returned from a trip abroad yesterday afternoon. He texted me to tell me he made it safe and sound, that he missed me so much and that he was tired and jet lagged and was planning on getting some sleep. I responded that I was glad to have him home safe. That I missed him a lot too. And asked him to contact me when he can come over to see me. So that is where I left it yesterday.

Fast forward to today. I don't hear from him at all. I figure he is sleeping, chilling and recovering from jet lag so I did not contact him. But not having heard from him all day, I contacted him around 4:30 in the afternoon and asked if he got some sleep and how he was feeling. He responded pretty quickly telling me he slept from 4 p.m yesterday till 8:30 this morning and was well rested and not really feeling jet lagged. Well yesterday he said he was jet lagged. He also told me about the work he was doing today and said he was catching up on work most of the day. I told him I was hoping we could see each other tomorrow and he said tomorrow is good so we have plans. He said again how much he missed me and can't wait to see me and all that jazz.

What I don't get is why did he not contact me before to make plans for tomorrow? My text said to let me know when he is able to get together then a whole day goes by and I don't hear from him and I have to be the one to contact him when I left the ball in his court? I just wanted to know so I can plan my day.

Throughout his whole trip he contacted me everyday and told me he missed me. His keeping in touch was a good thing and appreciated by me. While away he told me he couldn't wait to get home and rip my clothes off. We exchanged a few raunchy messages. He seemed like he couldn't wait to get back home to me. Wink. Wink.

So how does it go from all of that to him texting when he gets back home and then "working" at home the next day and not contacting me at all.. Even to tell me we'd be seeing each other tomorrow?

If I hadn't contacted him, when was he going to tell me about tomorrow?

I just think it's strange.

If he was so intent on seeing me why did he not text to let me know when? So I think to myself am I the one rowing this boat? But he's been doing his part up till today.

I just worry he is losing interest in me sexually. If he wanted me that bad and couldn't wait to rip my clothes off then why did he go all silent on me today?

I am not sure if I need to mention it or take it as lack of interest and leave him? Hopefully he did not lie and go to have sex with some other woman today and just gave me a bunch of baloney about his whereabouts. Just odd that he was that horny and did not contact me to arrange a date when we haven't had sex in almost three weeks!!! And yes he has cheated on another partner in the past. Not me or not that I know of.

Can anyone help me make sense of this?

I just don't want my trust issues to cloud my judgement. I am hoping some of you could give me some straight advice on what you think is going on. I feel I get too emotionally involved and then create a problem that isn't there. Or, is it??

View related questions: horny, sex life, text

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (20 January 2016):

aunt honesty agony auntI have been following all of your posts and at this stage I would recommend that you talk to someone about your insecurities. Everything this man does you criticize. You need to get yourself help before you lose him for good. You cannot keep living your life like this, causing drama when there is nothing there.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (20 January 2016):

CindyCares agony auntNot to discount female intuition, but...this post,and question, is a bit strange. What kind of relationship do you have with this man ? It sounds a bit unbalanced, as if he is secure and confident of having your interest ,.... but it's not the same on your side

I mean : the guy gave a perfectly reasonable, believable account of his time.

He was dead tired when he came back, and he slept 16 hours. Then he woke up refreshed, and started catching up with work. If he has been away a while, there must be lots of things requiring his attention. I bet he was going to call you , as soon as he was done- you just beat him on time.

Now , you are upset because he said he missed you BUT- he did not miss you like a man lost in the desert misses wter, like a starving man misses bread.

3 weeks without sex, and you think he should have run to you first, f..k sleep amd health and work....

Maybe not. Out of their teen years, many people learn that first you work and then you play. And sexual impulses, luckily, are not like... the impulse to urinate. Which, when you get it, you can " hold " for 30 minutes or 1 hour, but then, you HAVE to do something about it, otherwise you are in big trouble. I think a grown up man in a steady relationship can crave sex and long for sex AND , at the same time, give himself time to recover from a tiring trip, ease back into his daily routine, take care of urgent work first . Sex will still be there tomorrow, and it will still be sweet , hot and fulfilling- 12 or 24 hours later.

I am not saying that you MUST see it this way, only that I find so curious how you did not even consider any other possible cause for his " coldness "- than sexual cheating.

You did not say " Poor John, he must have been sooo tired " or " John, a workaholic as always. He must be with his nose buried into his papers ", or even " : Men ! ( eye roll ) they are always such roaring lions on paper, ... " I'll come to you and I'll do this and that to you ".... but then, when it's time for action, they turn into meek little sheep ".

I mean, in a happy , stable couple, anything comes to mind first , rather than " he's cheating on me TODAY ".

How come , as soon as he sounds a bit tired or a bit preoccupied, or basically if he stays out of your sight for 24 hours... you necesssirily thnk cheating is the reason ??

I guess you partially answered to that when you say that he has a past as a cheater. And, yes, that's not an encouraging track record. Then again- that's the point of the thing : either you do believe that now he is a completely changed man, and / or that he never would cheat on you because she was and did ... X and Y, while instead you are and do W and Z , and / or that he did not love the partner he cheated on but he does love you ;

or , you can't trust and believe that things are really so ( .. apparently you can't ).... but in this case, why are you even TRYING to carry on this relationship ? If you feel that after just 2 years he's ready for an upgrade, and that the only way to prevent him from upgrading is to sort of keeping him under constant watch, and that he is only waiting for the chance to stray and he'd jump at it- without talking to you first , and going behind your back as a matter of course - that's not a relationship you can ever find peace and comfort in, is basically a perennial, anxious wait for the other shoe to drop !

In short ,... either you trust, or you don't.

You may be totalle unable to trust, or you may have your good reason to dustrust. But, in this case, why bothering with keeping the relationship alive ?... _

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2016):

Eddie, it's the OP.

Based on what I've said, do you think it's possible he had sex with another woman today?

I guess I can never be new and exciting after 2 plus years. And it wouldn't matter how hard I try. There is nothing I can do. And I know it's not me. Cause I am not good enough.

Just honestly feeling devastated right now. Thinking his behaviour is due to cheating.

Not sure how to react tomorrow.

I have a gut feeling you know. Just not sure if it's right. He would never admit to cheating. He just seemed a bit distant before leaving too.

It's almost as if he is just going thru the motions.

I have given my all to him. I am a good hearted and beautiful girl and I can't understand why a man would do that to the woman who loves him.

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada +, writes (20 January 2016):

janniepeg agony auntHe truly missed you but could not promise a time because he's still recovering from the trip. It takes at least a few days to a week to feel 100%. Whenever I travel and come back I would not want to do anything for the next weekend. After not seeing my partner for a week I had experienced the doubtful feelings of, "Are we still on? We still love each other?" so I don't think you are overthinking. It's normal. I can understand that you have trust issues because he had cheated in the past. The important thing is that he assured you that he has changed, and he deeply regretted hurting his ex partner. He's very honest that he told you about his cheating. Many would say nothing at all. The thing that would make you feel more secure is in the way he admitted it. Did he say it because he has nothing to hide, he trusts you with his history or because he thinks it's no big deal and that everybody cheats? Contacting you every day is a good sign. That I agree.

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A male reader, eddie85 United States +, writes (20 January 2016):

eddie85 agony auntThere is a lot that could be going on at this point and it would be hard and rather unfair to make too many conjectures.

If I had just gotten back from vacation abroad I would certainly need to catch up on my sleep, get used to the new time schedule and possibly catch up at work. Also, keep in mind he probably has mail, phone calls and emails to go through.

The fact that he hasn't been that excited to see you can be somewhat expected but understandably hurtful. Since you've been together for as long as you have, it is possible a sense of complacency has taken hold.

Another aspect to consider is that he may be waiting to see if you missed him.

Either way, I do think the situation is concerning and perhaps it is time to talk with him. Explain to him you were hurt, you missed him, and are feeling a little taken for granted. If there is something he isn't tell you, you'd like to bring it out into the open. Ultimately, that will be the only way to get to the bottom of the problem.

Eddie

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