A
female
age
41-50,
*nownunknown
writes: I have been with my boyfriend (I will name "Ned") for about 17 years. "Ned" broke up with me about two and a half years ago saying I wasn't "the one" and he wanted to find her and didn't want to waste more time with me. I had wanted to get married the whole 17years and he always had a reason as to why we should wait. "Ned" packed up my stuff and forced me out even though I really hoped we could try one last time. I made many friends during the year we were broken up. A few I really came to rely on and were very supportive. I feel these friends are even more amazing considering I could not have been all that fun to be around after the break up. One particular friend (I will name him "Abe") was extremely helpful and talking to him was like free therapy. "Abe" became one of my best friends. There was never any romantic feelings between us. We both agreed the relationship was more like a sibling relationship and definitely NOT sexual. But I do love the support and friendship that he offered and him in return ... just NOT in a sexual way. After about six months of being broken up I became interested in someone who ended up not being my type. “Ned” found out about it and had a change of heart. He asked me to come back. That is what I had always wanted and was excited to try again. "Ned" insisted that I give up being friends with the guy who didn't work out as a stipulation to getting back together. That was easy since there were no feelings there any more and I agreed. After we had been back together about two months, "Ned" wanted me to stop all contact with my best friend "Abe" too! He suspected I was lying and was really in love in him and not just friends. I was hoping that over time he would become more comfortable with the friendship and realize his jealousy was unfounded. But that time never came. I ended up letting the friendship fade away because it was such a huge deal to “Ned” and would lead to fights. But I'm very upset that I felt forced to do that due to his jealousy. Now a year has passed since we got back together. I feel angry that it has been a year and “Ned” has basically spent the time obsessed over guys I might be interested in, while I feel like I have jumped through hoops and done all the work trying to make things work and trying to prove I love just him. I have given up good friends while “Ned” has spent the time “waiting and watching me” to see if it will work. (His words) “Ned” has my email passwords and spends about an hour or more each night trying to hack my computer and reading my emails. He is certain I am hiding something. I let him have 100% access to absolutely all my chats, phone logs, and emails, hoping he would see his jealousy was unfounded. Unfortunately, he now assumes I am an expert at removing evidence. The access has probably made things worse. He is stuck on my "betrayal" of him while we were apart, even though he broke up with me. So I finally said I had had enough of this craziness and couldn't take the accusations of me cheating all the time and him obsessing over my emails etc. Just as I was about to move out, he offered to stop researching me and that he would be ok with me being friends with my old friend "Abe" IF, he could talk to "Abe's" wife about how she feels about our friendship. There was a time she wondered and was concerned that we talked since I was at the time, single. But she realized early on that I was not a threat and has been fine with our friendship and even would talk with me too. She is now pregnant and emotional and is worried “Abe” doesn't find her attractive (he does and is deeply in love with her of course). I am scared that since “Ned” is so convinced that I am in love with “Abe” and that “Abe” is in love with me, he will only worry “Abe's” wife for no reason. I think if "Ned" wants to talk to anyone, it should be “Abe”. I would rather never talk to “Abe” again than hurt his marriage in anyway. “Ned” assumes that since I think that his asking her questions would upset her, she too must think something is going on and that his jealousy is founded. I would love for this to work out and I would LOVE for "Ned" to get to know "Abe" and maybe eventually “Abe's” wife but not until I can see that he has stopped assuming that we are having a secret affair. There is so much good in this relationship and so much time invested. I wish he could see that I am loyal and faithful to him. If it wern't for his jealousy, (and the marriage thing) everything else are the minor annoyances that are easier to overcome. What do you all think. I know this is very long and I am sorry. I do hope it made sense though.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2011): Ned is being crucified for not marrying you after 17 years. What about men who do marry and then divorce someone after 17 years? Same difference?
The problem here is 2fold:
1.Ned got tired. As most people do in a long term relationship/marriage. BUT it is what people do about this boredom/disconnection that counts. For Ned he took the easy way out, as most people do.
The answer: both the OP and Ned need to really want this relationship to work, again. They both need to be totally honest and No secrets between them. Yes Ned seems to be a a*s bec his self esteem is low. He is a manipulator and cannot and do not want to trust the OP. The OP needs to understand this Side of Ned and either work with him to overcome his fears or decide to leave. For good. OP the Aunts here have basically advised u to kick him to the curb. U need to decide what u want and need. Can u live with this man for the rest of your life? Or do u love yourself enough to seek couples counselling? Peoples don't want to get married these days. People are shit scared of marriage. And we can't blame them bec the sanctity of marriage has been eroded.
2. Your obsession with Abe?
There are friends and then there are too familiar friends. Do u complain to Abe about Ned? Do u speak to him about your intimate relationship. Do u discuss Abes wife and his marriage? How often did u see/speak to Abe? For how long ? The pattern emerging here is that u have started becoming dependant on Abe: for emotipnal and mental supprt. This is alarming. Your relationship with Abe started becoming "inapproprite"-not bec it was sexual but bec u were feeding off him emotionally. Abes wife, I am sure, is not too aware of your great friendship with her hb. This woman is not aware of the times u and him became each others priority. This is unfair to his wife (and if u think about it, to Ned). Although nothing sexual is happening, this relationship/friendship was too deep and too personal. Ned saw it. Although Ned is jealous, he is not wrong to be concerned. Your "friendship" became priority over Ned.
What will happen if/when u decide to leave Ned? Run to abe for moral support? Must his wife share him again with u? It will be very unfair if u start leaning more and more on Abe for the support u crave. That is when marriage boundaries get crossed to the detriment of Abes wife.
No one is telling u to not have male friends. But watch your attachment to them. It may be very innocent but be wise and know your limits with your friends.
LoveGirl
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (31 October 2011):
 OP why do you think so poorly of yourself?
Ned made you wait for SEVENTEEN years and then packed your stuff and threw you out. The very first mistake that you made was that you waited for THIS long for a man. You made yourself wayyyyyyyyy too available for someone who doesn't even deserve a minute of your time.
Ned then feels your absence + pangs of jealousy + the need to have someone to boss over and tolerate him. Who does he get? You, of course!
He then the has the gall to insist you give up your friends, you give him your passwords, phone logs, blah blah blah, while he is “waiting and watching" you. So basically Ned has the delusion that he's the master and you're the bonded laborer. And you ALLOWED him to feel this way. You happily presented him the key to your life, on a silver platter, and told him, "go on, rule my life and dictate whatever you want. I'm all yours to use, abuse and throw".
OP, Abe is the least of your troubles. If not him, there will be someone else whom Ned can pick on. You *need* to get over Ned NOW and throw him out of your life. This man is a master manipulator, a loser, a spineless excuse for a man, who is sadistic and takes his frustrations out on you. You have been, are and always will be his punching bag unless you get your act together and throw him out. Ned is NOT the last man left on this planet, for you to want him so much. He will not change, he will only get worse.
Ultimately its your decision and you will do whatever you want. But Please listen to what everyone's saying here and look at your situation objectively, the way we are looking at it. Ned is so paranoid and insecure, tomorrow if you decide to have a baby with him, he'll make your life miserable when you're pregnant, questioning your morals and thinking someone else is the father of the baby, and not him. He'll forever think that you are cheating on him. *If* and I mean if, by any chance, all this obsessive behavior on Ned's part makes you think that this is because of his "love" for you, then snap out of it, because this is not love. This is a problem, a mental disease that needs help.
Just 3 words OP.
Throw.Him.Out.
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A
female
reader, Tigerlily +, writes (31 October 2011):
ps. The more you stand your ground the more you will respect yourself.
On another note, if you really do want to get married, I think you might want to consider that Ned does not have good boundaries either and he is not "mature". He may be walking around in a late-30's something man's body, but inside, emotionally he is still a boy and he is quite literally simply not CAPABLE of making a commitment. It's not that he doesn't want to or doesn't love you. He can't. In the way that a 10 year old boy would not be able to hold down a job and live on his own. The maturity level simply isn't there. He just can't.
I know that can be difficult to accept but I also know that as a woman you intuitively know this. I am not saying this to be cruel, but to help you understand the limits of your situation. You have a choice. You can stay with Ned and stay in this situation and keep having these sorts of issues and be sort of happy but not ever really all the way satisfied. Or you can decide that you really want more and accept that Ned will not be able to give it to you.
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A
female
reader, Tigerlily +, writes (31 October 2011):
I'm not going to judge your relationship with Ned. 17 years is a long time and quite complex to be sure. Although i have to say that Ned does come across in your letter as quite immature for a man in his late 30's.
You sound so lovely and kind and patient and loving. But also... you are putting up with way too much crap. you need to grow a back bone love. You need to strengthen your personal boundaries. It's not okay for Ned to read your emails and IM chats. Its' none of his business. And the more you indulge his crazy behavior, the more you "enable" him to continue.
Stop negotiating him. Tell him no it's not okay for him to talk to Abe's pregnant wife. She doesn't need to be made crazy by his obsessive fears. You cannot do anything about what Ned thinks for feels. you can only stand your own ground, what's comfortable for you, what you are okay and not okay with. If he doesn't trust you, tell him there's the door.
I know as a woman it can feel scary, but honestly the more you stand up for yourself and stop being bullied by Ned's fears and immaturity, the more he will respect you.
No. Learn it. It's a very powerful word.
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A
female
reader, Mariab  +, writes (31 October 2011):
 Ned decides AFTER SEVENTEEN YEARS... that you are NOT the one for him. Breaks up with you and then you are HAPPY that he takes you back? Which he did only after you met someone else. Hunny let this one go. Its better to do this after 17 years than to wait longer... you are both not getting any younger. talk to your friends wife??talk to your friend and ask his advice. It could be better first coming from him to explain the situation to his pregnant wife. Ned really sounds like a no-good type of guy... I think you are better off without him!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2011): He's treating you really badly but you can't see it because you still want his full "seal if approval". My guess is that you have low self esteem and maybe you met this guy at a time, when you were much younger, and relatively "innocent" and you don't want to lose the innocence of that time and/or the history.Ask yourself why it is that you seem to have a need to prove yourself to someone who treats you like dirt. Were your parents witholding when it came to love? Did either of them make you feel like you had to try really, really hard to earn their love? There definitely seems to be something bonding you to this guy that is not about love but about you waiting and hoping to achieve it - usually this type of behaviour is set up in childhood and one keeps acting it out in hope of finally achieving the goal.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2011): Oh dear, what a fine mess this is. your mistake was going back to a guy who basically told you after 17 years that he wanted to find someone better than you, what a real catch he sounds, not! Now he realises that you are a very desirable lady that you have secret trysts with any man who takes your fancy?He probably got a wake up call when you were not together, and that is you are the only woman who was willing to love him for who he is. Then there is you and you had 2 relationships and able to make new friends and moving on with your life whilst hes found out that after 17 years the grass aint greener on the other side. He is now trying to control you because he knows that you can get better than him and hes really afraid to be on his own cos he no doubt will be for sometime.You deserve better, the sad thing is everyone sees this (including your bf) except you.Your 17 years together were an investment cos at the end you earned interest from other men,your bf got none cos he never invested to earn.
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (31 October 2011):
 Hi,
Honest advice?
Show him the post you wrote, I think you wrote it well, and explains everything. If he cannot understand you after reading, I guess there's nothing else you can do. It must be exhausting living this way. You are a very patient person, and very kind.
You truly deserve to be happy, and have everything you want. I hope he can realize how lucky he's for having you in his life. I hope that together you can overcome all your problems, and finally be happy together.
Best wishes/good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2011): I agree that you need to break up with Ned. He left you, you haven't said why, and now he has conditions that you need to prover yourself to him? That is ridiculous. Have you ever cheated on him during your relationship? I find it unbelievable that you waited 17 years for this guy, he sounds horrible, and no one is worth waiting 17 years for!
Assuming you treated him well during your 17 years, he should be down on his knees begging you to come back and very sorry for the pain he caused you. You didn't betray him, he left you and you were lucky to have found good friends to help you after this cruel rejection and abandonment. I say start all over with someone who values you and who can make a commitment after a reasonable amount of time.
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A
female
reader, Eyespy17 +, writes (31 October 2011):
17 years and he's still making excuses?! If you want to be married, he either do it now, or you break up for good. Get over "ned" and heal and then find someone who will marry you and not be paranoid and look for excuses; like checking your chats, etc.
You will never convince an irrationally jealous person that you are loyal. They will ALWAYS find something and you will drive yourself crazy and become submissive and withdrawn.
Time for a serious chat. Yes or no to marriage? Be prepared to walk. You deserve the best.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (31 October 2011):
 I think that you are a very patient person, but that patience is a virtue only if it does not exceeds certain limits. SEVENTEEN years that you've wanted to marry him, and it never happened...? Time to throw the towel, Obviously he's finding excuses for not marrying you, which in part explains his mistrust and jealousy . They are half true, and half a convenient excuse to decide that you are not " the one ".
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (31 October 2011):
 Ned is an emotional blackmailer as well as a master manipulator of you. I'd say break up with Ned, look for another guy to date and remember that you've invested enough time in a guy who appears to find extemely creative ways of keeping you off-balance. Abe Is the least of your worries!
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