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My bf blames me for everything, we broke up, I had a miscarriage, he treats me bad but I love him!

Tagged as: Breaking up, The ex-factor, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (19 September 2006) 10 Answers - (Newest, 23 April 2008)
A female , *ovetolive writes:

Wrote earlier when I was pregnant. My bf blames me for everything. I had a miscarriage at 16 weeks. My bf blames me for telling his parents that I was pregnant. I know I did not do it but he blames me for it. His parents got sick because of it. My bf was not with me throughout my pregnancy. He gave me a vey hard time. I was in so much pain in hospital, he did come to show curtesy but he behaved so strangely. I honestly did not get the support i needed. Before my miscarriage we broke off but we still saw each other. He told me that he does not want to stay with me since I did not have understanding in the relationship and did not listen to him for abortion. He treats me like trash. I thought alot about it, finally made up my mind and we broke off for good. I was in a very painful situation. But I still love him.

Even after we broke off, he would come over or call me over. He keeps telling me that we are friends but keeps making love to me. I cannot get it out of my head. I wana be with him and hope that he will see my love one day. I keep grieving. He treats me so bad. He shows no respect but I end up being there for him whenever he needs me. He does not even have to ask and I end up doing things for him which I think will make his life easier. He swears at me, tells me that I made his life miserable, he does not care about me and says the worst things that he knows I cannot handle. I put a stone on my heart to try and tolerate him but why can;t he see that I love him so much, and why can;t he see what he is doing.

View related questions: abortion, broke up

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2008):

damn yo...i feel u ...my man is the same way ..the same shyt happened to me i was 16 weeks too,but it wasnt his..i was raped...men dont understand what they do to us....all we can do is ask why...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2006):

What do you mean "I guess that being treated like trash is my destiny"?!!!

Listen: I said before that while you allow this S0B to treat you so badly you WILL feel miserable. It is not that you are "unlucky", but more that people will treat you according to the way you "present" yourself. YOUR way of "coming" to the world is that you think you DESERVE these men to walk all over you.

You did the right thing by dumping your husband - and sorry you had so much hurt and trouble from him - NOW you have to stand straight and recognize that we ALL have some faults, nobody is perfect, but you are a good person, and deserve to be treated with respect and consideration. You are courageous and looking after your son.

You might want to think about getting some counselling to begin working on your self-esteem - you need to find out why you think you deserve these men who are no good to you and how to change your own behavior and attitudes so that people will look at you and see a capable, self-confident, optimistic, realistic woman who knows how to take care of herself.

I have mentioned a few ideas that you can start to think about, but its not easy doing it on your own, that is why I said to think about getting some counselling.

Good luck!

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A female reader, Lovetolive +, writes (19 September 2006):

Lovetolive is verified as being by the original poster of the question

YES U ALL ARE RIGHT. ONCE I GET THE COURAGE I WILL REMIND HIM WHATEVER HE DID IS NOT RIGHT. DEEP INSIDE I KNOW HE TREATS ME LIKE TRASH, I GUESS THIS WAS MY DESTINY. SOMETIMES I FEEL I HAVE SOME FAULTS IN ME. I WAS MARRIED. NOW I AM A SINGLE MUM CUZ MY HUSBAND LIED TO ME. HE NEVER WORKED AND SPENT ALL MY EARNINGS. HE SLEPT WITH OTHER WOMAN, BUT WHEN I GOT PRAGNANT I THOUGHT OF MY SON'S FUTURE AND DUMPED HIM. I LOVE MY SON ALOT. MY BF IS 5 YRS YOUNGER. I HATE TO BELIEVE THAT I WAS HIS TIME PASS. HE NEVER GAVE ME ANY COMITMENT. I WILL TRY MY BEST TO DEVOTE ALL MY TIME AND ENERGY FOR MY BABY WHO IS 5 NOW AND FACE THE FACT OF LIFE. I HATE TO BELIEVE THAT SOMEONE I TRUSTED SO MUCH AND TOLD EVERYTHING BETRAYED ME SO BAD. WHY AM I SO UNLUCKY. IS IT TRUE THAT IF YOU ARE SINGLE PARENT, PEOPLE JUST WANA USE U AND DON'T ACTUALLY FEEL FOR YOU.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2006):

I have one other thought: Everyone is telling you how horrible and selfish, what a loser - I described him as a pig - he is.

Don't you think you might be actually ENCOURAGING him to be "bad to the bone" by allowing him to treat you so horribly? HE needs to learn, sometime, that he can't get away with treating you - or anyone else - like dirt - He needs a rude awakening. Getting rid of him might just begin to make him "wake up" - though unlikely.

However, "reforming" him is not YOUR job! Your job is to boot him out of your life for ever!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2006):

Your so-called "boyfriend" is, not to mince words, acting like a pig! NO consideration for you whatsoever!

Having a miscarriage, traumatic and upsetting for you as it was, at least means you don't have to raise a child as a single parent - ESPECIALLY in a situation where the father would not support you and his child, financially or emotionally!

Do yourself a favor: show him the door and tell him not to contact you again, ever, under any circumstances!

Do something for YOURSELF: stop crying about "how much I love him" and how you hope he will see your worth, some day! Show some backbone and have more self-respect than to allow him to treat you like this!

So long as you hope for a better relationship with him, as long as you tell yourself you can't trust men any more, and as long as you insist that you "truly love him"; for as long as you hold on to these attitudes and feelings, guess what? You will CONTINUE to be very miserable! What you feel for this jerk sounds more like a habit you can't let go of, rather than love (I LOVE ice-cream, makes me fat but I'd rather gain weight than stop eating it - poor analogy, but you get the point??)

Get rid of this guy; thank your lucky stars you don't have his child, and focus on your studies, and ALSO think about the kind of men you have gone out with in the past, and what it is that makes you fearful to trust anyone. In other words, be more discriminating when you next begin a relationship, and don't choose anyone who doesn't treat you well, and doesn't respect you.

If you work on this, you will eventually find a man who is truly deserving of you.

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A female reader, stina United States +, writes (19 September 2006):

stina agony auntif this has been going on for over three months, then you really need to just cut contact with this guy. he has to know what you are going through at this point and since he obviously doesn't care, I think you should just stop answering his calls, texts, don't answer your door if he comes to visit. keeping contact with him will only make you keep your hope alive, which in this case is the worst thing you should do.

i see that you say you're trying to keep busy and focus on your studies. do you attend school? have you tried to contact a school counselor? most schools have counselors that you would be able to talk to about this sort of thing.

also, i would advise you to see a doctor because what you are describing seems to be more than just being upset - i think it'd be best to have a professional's opinion. perhaps some medication can be perscribed to get over this bad patch in your life right now. you don't want to feel any worse, right?

i really think seeking a professional's help at this point would do you a lot of good. not only with meds, but coming to terms with your feelings and getting to the bottom of why you still feel love for this guy (like, is it really love or fear?)

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A female reader, Lovetolive +, writes (19 September 2006):

Lovetolive is verified as being by the original poster of the question

thanks alot. somehow i can see all this. i see how he hurts me and uses me. i see how he takes me for granted. but i know and hope this will be the last guy of my life. i can't trust anyone anymore. i wish to tell him what he really does but don't want to upset me. believe it or not, i am trying hard to get over him and focus on my studies but i truly love him and this is hard.

what hurts the most id that if i give so much to an animal, it will understand me but did not expect this from a human and especially not from someone i love so much.

i cry every night and this is like 3 months... i wish he could realise my love one day.

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A female reader, stina United States +, writes (19 September 2006):

stina agony auntHi Lovetolive,

Well, usually when there are problems in a relationship I try to say it's best to talk and work things out. Your case is different. This guy sounds horrible: insulting, power hungry, disresepctful, and just a straight up uncaring jerk. Do you even remember why you love him?

In all honesty I think you should leave this guy for good - no more "making love." By the way, are those his words? Because there is certainly no love in what he is doing - he is using you. Or are you the one that says it's "making love?" Sometimse people try to convince themselves that it's love because they're scared to find someone else or to be alone, or else they feel content to stay in a bad relationship because they've taken the abuse for so long.

And you say why can't he see what he is doing? Lovetolive, I think you know that he is well aware of what he is doing. He has broken you down so he can just take what he wants out of you. He his a horrible man and has no right to do this. You need to understand that. Why else would he be acting so angry with you, mean, strange, and use you for sex? I know that's not what you want to hear, but it's a lot better than living what is most likely a lie, don't you think?

You have to realize that you're worth more than this man is telling you (either by his words or actions). I think you should cut contact with him. He is no good for you. When you first try to let go of him it will be hard, but just remember that there is someone better for you out there. Call up some friends and do something fun for a change - it really sounds like you need to have your spirts lifted after such an ordeal.

Take care.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2006):

You have gone threw a lot of things you did not desever.What I can tell you is that if he has no respect for you now or when you were going threw all of that he never will. For him to blame you for everything is wrong.You need to know that it is not your fault.and you need to let him know that he needs to show some respect for you if he truly loves you.My advice is leave him dont talk to him or make love to him because he knows that he can treat you like this and still have you.and you need to show him that he is wrong. stand up for yourself there are better people out there that can give you the love and respect you desever.

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A female reader, Helen1986 United Kingdom +, writes (19 September 2006):

Helen1986 agony auntHunny why waste your time on such a loser? I know you say you love him but please try and get over him. He loves the fact that he can click his fingers and you will come running. I think that he is very selfish, you are a very brave woman and I am sorry to hear about your misscarraige. A man that cannot support a woman at a time like that is not worth the time of day.

I suggest you stop going round to him and making love to him because he is just using you. Please try and cut all ties with this man, it will help you to get over him in the long run. The more you keep seeing him and doing things for him the more you will hurt.

There are plenty of decent guys out there who are looking for decent loyal girls that they can love and respect, the trouble is finding one! But I promise they are out there somewhere.

Try and spend some time with your girly friends a bit more and have fun. Keep yourself busy and then soon hopefully you will realise what a waste of space your boyfriend really is. I mean it from the bottom of my heart good luck and I wish you all the best hunny.

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