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My best friend's girlfriend

Tagged as: Friends, Three is a crowd<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 July 2010) 1 Answers - (Newest, 31 July 2010)
A male United States age 36-40, anonymous writes:

So here's the deal... I'm really falling for my best friend's girlfriend. But it's a bit complicated..

I've known the girl (we'll call her Lisa) since I was in middle school, and ever since then, we've been pretty good friends. We used to live in the same neighborhood and would hang out most days after school. Then when High School came around, I started to have feelings for this girl.. Then I also met this guy in Freshman year who is now one of my best friends.. We're really close in size/shape/clothes we wear, but have completely different personalities. He demands attention, while I'm a bit reserved for the most part. So anyways, through our friends he met 'Lisa' in High School. He was one to tease and make fun of her quite often, I assume to just get her attention.. I thought it was pretty childish and she wouldn't take much notice to this.. But somehow it worked.. He would even go as far to say if she lost weight that he'd date her, word got around, and sure enough she did. And they started dating. Being the 'nice guy' that I am, I didn't understand this at all.. I tried to make it obvious that I was interested in this girl for quite a while, but I guess I just never stepped it up enough.

So they've been together for some time now, we're 4 years out of college.. But their relationship hasn't been anything sweet/to brag about.. They constantly fight, break up, move out out of the house for a few days, yell at each other for no reason, and get mad about the smallest of things. Even my best friend's mom asks Lisa, how do you put up with him?? She even says he's out of control, but Lisa says she just ignores it or blocks it out of her mind.. It's very frustrating, and sometimes when I'm over at their place, I'll get caught in the middle of the whole mess...

Now I've had problems with my best friend here, many-a-times.. We've gone long periods of time without talking, just cause he can be an a**hole out of nowhere. But I still consider him a really good friend. And this girl 'Lisa', I've known for the majority of my life, she's the best friend that I have that's a girl. So for the past few years when I've been in the middle of these situations, I never knew what to do.. Except laugh nervously..? But just recently, in the past year or so, I've come to the realization that I really really care about my friend Lisa. And I don't feel that she needs to put up with even half of the BS that she constantly deals with. It's generally my best friend that starts the fights, or does something unnecessary to gets things going.. And she'll just sit there and take it! It's so frustrating! I almost want to stand up and say something, but fear that I could get in an actual fight with my best friend and ruin things completely.

For instance, just over a month ago, we were out late at a bar and her phone died.. He was already home from work and couldn't get a hold of her. But we did call him, and even talked to him to let him know what was going on and where we were.. Mind you, it wasn't even THAT late.. Maybe midnight. So she's too drunk to drive, I leave my car there and drive her car back to their place where it was okay for me to stay the night in the guest bedroom. Well we get home, and immediately, he flips out.. Doesn't say a word to either of us, slams some doors.. Minutes later all I hear is him yelling this and that, making a scene, then storming out of the house. I find out the next morning that he through my name into the fight (not sure it what context, but couldn't have been good) as if we're doing something behind his back. Now we have other friends that hangout with Lisa as well, doing the same sort of things, but they don't get thrown under the bus by my best friend..

I just don't know what to do about this, as I've always had feelings for Lisa, and it seems my friendship with this guy is going downhill.. And quick. We don't talk/hangout like we used to, go to the bars, watch any sports.. He gets home, turns on the tv, and tunes out like I'm not even there. In fact, he'll get mad and pause the TV if Lisa and I, or anyone for that matter, starts talking. Somehow she puts up with it...

Does anyone have any advice as to what I should do? If I lose my best friend, it'll probably divide our group in two.. But I also feel that none of our friends really approve of the relationship these two have together. We talk about it quite often... And I know if they actually 'broke' broke up, there's no way I could just start dating Lisa, but we could at least bring it up in conversation and talk about it. Or would that even be a bad idea? I feel like the two of us would be perfect together, we get along really well, have a lot of fun when we go out, can enjoy ourselves just hanging out at home.. And we probably wouldn't be fighting the very second I walk through the front door. It's just crazy to me how the mood completely changes from before he gets home from work, to when he does.. Just everything turns so negative, it's uncomfortable. And all I want is for Lisa to be happy and not have to deal with so much crap.. And I'm sure my best friend would be a lot easier to deal with if he didn't have the stress of the relationship he's in.. Is there any way I can help the situation, and is there any chance that I could end up with this girl that I have a lot of feelings for? Thanks for reading this, just wanted to give as much detail as possible..

View related questions: best friend, broke up, drunk, period

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A reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2010):

Hello there, after I read your story I really felt sad for you. Okay here's some of my personal opinions.

(1). So you've met her and this guy. You said that you liked her and that guy is your best friend. You also mentioned that he was trying to draw her attention which means that he wants to date her as you said. Basically I think that guys that tries to get more attention from a girl is often more successful than a normal guy just watching. (I'm sorry I don't mean it is you. I'm just telling in generally). This is not your fault. Doesn't mean you must draw her attention to get her. They are other ways of drawing her attention for example helping her out what she needs in her daily life and so. Not instead of what you friend tries to tease her. This is not correct. I know that being a nice guy is very hard. As Im a "quite a nice guy or trying to be nice guy" I know how it feels. Sometimes being a nice guy can't lead us to the good way. Sometimes we need to sacrifice the our good self's for the better. Do you understand what im stressing here? I sure you do.

(2). Here you say that they often have fights and even break up. She doesn't even want to talk about him and even block him out of her minds. From here you can tell that she doesn't likes or does not bother to him about him.

(3). Stop considering him as your best friend as he is standing in the between of you both. In this situation, there is no more need of being his best friend. Just cut it. It is not worth it when he hurts he so much. I know it is very hard to stand up and stop the situation. But you MUST BE BRAVE! I know its easy to say but in reality its hard to archive. But you must try! Only if you try then you will succeed! You must not let this continue to happen to her. She is becoming her victim! From the story you've written, I can tell that how much you like her, perhaps also as love. So I advice you to stand out and be the man! Stop him from abusing her! Do not let him to get over her life!

(4). Since he didn't said a word to you both and slammed the door, from here you can see he doesn't have the responsibility for her! You said that you drove her back when she was drunk. Here shows that you have the responsibility and cares for her. She should know it.

(5). You said you don't used to hang out or talk as usual? Do you mean that you are living together with him? I'd say that the doesn't even bother about you. So why do you need to care for a friend that doesn't care for you? Mark me wrong.

(6). Alright, I STRONGLY ADVISE YOU TO JUST LOSE YOU FRIEND. Through all the things that had happen, it is totally not worth it to continue. I agree that if you can find a perfect time to discuss this matter with her. You should explain to her everything in detail. All the bad's about him, and also how much feelings that you have for her. Tell her to break up with him as he doesn't seem to care about her. There is no use to continue their relationship if the doesn't has any interest in it anymore. To me this is not a bad idea at all. I strongly support you in this. Go ahead. Be brave and sincere!

LASTLY, there is a big chance for you to be with her. Tell her more about your feelings and your care for her. Convince her to you are the suitable one for her. Do not hesitate to the her the truth. Tell her that how much you love her all this years! Also let her know that she will be more safe with you.

I really hope that some of my ideas might help you, as Im just a normal person without much experience. I really hope you to solve this problem. I can see that it been a big headache in all of you. I hope you will succeed.

Hope to hear good news from you soon!

Till then...

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