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My best friend wants to take me to a hotel for sex, I need advice!

Tagged as: Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (28 January 2008) 10 Answers - (Newest, 29 January 2008)
A female United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:

My best friend and I have been hooking up. No sex. just kissing and stuff. But, recently he had the idea of going to a hotel and just having sex. I'm well up for it when he asked, and he isnt making me, but I'm so afraid I'll get attatched. He says he likes me, then he says he dosnt really like me in that way .... its all up to me. The ball is in my court.. kind of.. I don't want him to think that I'm easy and I'm afraid I'll fall for him too quickly.. please give me some advice.. x

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2008):

Hi Hunny

Im with all of the other posts hunny dont do anything if you are afraid of attachment as to me he only wants sex and you could end up being really hurt love YOU TAKE CARE WITH LOVE N HUGS MANDY xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2008):

It sounds like he just wants sex and you will get hurt if you do allow yourself to get emotionally attached to him. My wife and I both feel the same about this, but she disagrees with the comments that all women get emotionally attached to any man who they have sex with. She only got emotionally attached to a man who she had sex with if they had some obvious mutual emotional bond between them. She remembers getting emotionally attached to only 2 of the 10 guys who she slept with after her divorce. Some others were someone to feel close to and talk to about their feelings and to have fun with on a date, but with no sorrow after the breakup. Others were simply mistakes where there was nothing but a couple of dates where the guys wanted sex. If there was any sorrow at all, it was because she had slept with a guy who meant nothing. She was in her 30s at the time. She does agree that sleeping with too many men who mean nothing can lead to feeling bad about one's self esteem.

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A female reader, joannaleigh United States +, writes (28 January 2008):

joannaleigh agony auntHi chickie-

I do, agree with Taste of India and the others.....if you yourself are a little afraid you will get attached, then you pretty much have answered your own question. It does seem clear that your friend isn't into having you as a GF, so, if you let yourself go to a hotel and bring this hooking up to another level, you will be risking that you will start having these feelings for him...ones that he is NOT going to reciprocate, no matter how great you are either in bed or as a friend.

Personally, honey, I would be really casual about it with him, and just be like " umm, yeah, you know, I think we should just be cool from now on. I would hate to ruin our friendship." I would also chill on the hooking up. Seriously, who need friends with benefits when you can have real friends AND a real boyfriend? By hooking up with your buddy, you're not really leaving yourself open to all of the possible great guys out there who might want to completely adore you :) But that's just my thought on that one......

Now go get get your confidence on and do exactly what you need to do for YOU :)

Good Luck,

joannaleigh

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A female reader, eyeswideopen United States +, writes (28 January 2008):

eyeswideopen agony auntExcellent responses and advice from the Aunts, please listen to them.

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A female reader, TasteofIndia United States +, writes (28 January 2008):

TasteofIndia agony auntI'll just keep this concise, since all the other Aunt's have voiced the pretty much the same thing: this is a bad idea and from the sounds of it, can only end badly. It sounds like this guy is trying to take you from "friends-with-benefits" to a booty call and that's no good.

Respect yourself and listen to the little voice inside you telling you that this probably isn't a great idea, You don't want to go through all the aftermath, the drama, and the hurt feelings that could all potentially transpire post-coital.

Good luck, sweetness!

xx India

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2008):

"He says he likes me, then he says he doesn't really like me in that way .... its all up to me"

Sounds like he is letting you know, all he definitely wants is sex and just sex...nothing more. What is more disturbing is you are considering it. Listen, he doesn't feel that lovin' feeling for you...right? Are you sure you have the strength to pull this off? Without getting attached? As the other Aunts said, a lot of females generally find these type of situations to be painful. Why? Because for a lot of girls 'sex does and will drive your heart'. Guys are wired differently. They can have sex...simply for the sake of having sex and just getting their jollies. That is why so many females walk away from these situations feeling despondent, easy and used. Show him you have self-respect and tell him a resounding NO. You will never regret doing this...go out and build a solid good love relationship with a guy who wants to love you back. This guy ain't the one, hun.

I hope you don't do this but if you do here's one last thing to consider, dear. Remember how serious the 'act of sex' is. People make accidental babies this way. Make sure if you and him do have 'casual' sex, then heed these words. Each time you have sex you have a certain probability of mothering a child, even with all the protection money and technology can buy. Are you old enough, mature enough to shoulder the responsibilities of having a baby. You may pay a big life-long emotional price for a few minutes of fun, in a hotel room. It ain't woth it, dear.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2008):

I totally agree with Uncle Phil.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2008):

Tell him thanks but no thanks. If its sex you want and nothing else fine but the fact that you make the point that you're afraid of falling for him then you have answered your own question. You are falling already so save yourself the heartache. Keep your dignity and if he really likes you for you and not whats between your legs he will have all the more respect for you.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2008):

Women tend to get, or at least need to get, emotionally attached whereas a man can just do the deed and forget about it.

He just wants sex by the sound of it, and if that's all you want too then fair enough, go for it. If you think you'll get too emotionally attached to him, which he doesn't want, I think it would be best not to because you'll end up getting emotionally hurt.

Whether he thinks you're easy or not is not relevant. Let's face it, if he thought you were 'easy' then you'd have every right to think he was 'easy' too! In reality, most men are a lot 'easier' than women but for some reason get called studs instead. I never could quite work that one out myself.

I think this relationship could be called 'Friends with Benefits' if it happened.

Phil

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A female reader, birdynumnums Canada +, writes (28 January 2008):

birdynumnums agony auntWomen do get attached to guys that they become lovers with. It's the way we're built. If you already know that he doesn't like you "that way", and you sound like you are falling for him already, I suspect that you are letting yourself in for a lot of heartache if you go through with this. If I were you, I'd tell him you don't feel "that way" about him either, and then stop hooking up with him. If he sticks around and still wants to be a friend after that, then you still are friends. If he disappears, well, he was not being very nice and was sticking around just to get some unattached nookie. Good luck with everything.

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