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My best friend wants me to change our wedding date

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Question - (29 December 2014) 4 Answers - (Newest, 30 December 2014)
A female United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:

My best friend is not talking to me and giving me the silent treatment because she wants me to change my wedding date, because she has some exams coming up on the week of my wedding. I really can't do anything about it, we really struggled till we got a perfect date in the venue we wanted. what do i do? she's being so selfish.

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States + , writes (30 December 2014):

So_Very_Confused agony auntyes she's being selfish.

is she an honor attendant? will the wedding plans impact heavily on her studyin

if so, let her know that she does not have to be an attendant but rather she can just take a few hours off from studying and exams and show up to celebrate with you and your new husband.

if she's not an attendant and has no need to do anything other than show up and have fun, then I'd tell her to suck it up and deal or not come.

Years down the road you may not even be friends any more.

ONLY one girl from my first wedding and I are still friends....

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2014):

I would write her a letter, and say that planning a wedding isn't easy and despite her being your best friend you have two families and countless guests to consider.

PLUS wedding venues book up years in advance, tell her this is your dream wedding and that is the day it had to be. You can't just chose another day, because they are all gone (heck even if they aren't you tell her it's not changeable).

Explain to her what she is asking is literally impossible even if it was possible they'd hit you with a hefty charge and you just wanted to organise your big day to share with the people you love. Let her know you thought your friendship was worth more than this to her, and that whilst you get she is annoyed that she might not be able to come because of exams, the wedding is one day. She can travel back home the very next day or even that night and be back to take her exams.

I get why she would be annoyed, but also - this is your wedding and if she's willing to lose your friendships because she can't come then that's her loss. Unless you're getting married 3000 miles away then I expect this is near to your home? She can surely make arrangements to be there and still take her exams. To be honest, the weekend before her exams she should have put in all she can put in - there's no more to learn and there is not much you can revise the day or two before an exam takes place.

Organising a wedding is hard, if it's not your friends it's your family making some issue out of something. Stuff them, it's your big day. You go ahead and do whatever you and your future husband want. You cannot accommodate everyone, it's about being courageous enough to let people know that.

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A female reader, celtic_tiger United Kingdom + , writes (30 December 2014):

celtic_tiger agony auntWho is getting married here? You or her?

I get that she is your friend, and she/you want her to be there, but you have to get some perspective here!

She is not the only guest, and there are countless other family members on BOTH sides, as well as friends who also have to be catered for.

Sometimes we cannot attend things because of diary clashes, this is just how it is sometimes. yes it is sad, but for her to ask you to reschedule just for her is plain selfish.

This is the man you are going to marry - friends do come and go, and it would be terrible to look back and only remember the friend who caused you trouble at your wedding.

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A female reader, maverick494 United States + , writes (29 December 2014):

I get where she's coming from: exam dates are something she can't do anything about and a wedding date is something you choose. She's probably underestimating how complicated wedding arrangements can be and she probably thinks you can easily change it but just don't want to.

The thing is: she can't skip the exams in favor of a wedding. Doing so could delay her graduation significantly, which in turn will cost her a lot more money because education just is that expensive. I once missed a week of tests because I got ill and had to wait an entire semester before I could take them. It really depends where she's at in her studies, but if she's at the end, those exams are really important. So she's angry because she can't be at one of the most important days in her best friend's life and said best friend thinks she's selfish.

So, what it comes down to is these things:

- How important is it to you that your friend can be present at your wedding?

- Which arrangements have you already made? If basically the entire wedding with all its bells and whistles got arranged already, then switching the date would be very difficult. If you're in the very early stages however, changing the date is something I'd consider.

Now, if your hands are truly tied, explain the whole situation to her. Like I said, she's probably underestimating how much work is involved in planning these things.

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