A
female
age
41-50,
*S2012
writes:Best friend is suddenly hardly helpful.My best friend and I have been friends for 20 years. She has always been easygoing and happy to help. However, over the past few years she has actually been quick to say "No" about a lot of things that I wouldn't have thought were asking much.I know she has a right to say No, and I respect that. I know she has had bad experiences being taking advantage of. However, the two most recent things I have asked for help for, she hasn't outright said "No" but she makes a big deal about not wanting to do it.For example, she is going to be my bridesmaid, we went dress shopping and I asked if she could put my accessories in her purse-she did, but only after putting up a fuss. More recently, I asked if she would mind taking my wedding gown to a consignment shop for me (she only lives 20 minutes from it, I live an hour) and she made a huge negative fuss about that because it is "so far away". Not sure how or what to say to her-or if I should even bother. When she does refuse, it's usually done with some laughter..but it's never followed up with an "Im kidding!" or anything like that. It's rather off-putting and frustrating.
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female
reader, jls022  +, writes (12 September 2014):
I feel a lot like your friend at times, and frankly I don't blame her for refusing to do these things for you. Asking someone to go on a 40 mile round trip while you sit at home is a huge ask and she had every right to say no.
Instead of complaining about her refusing you these favours, why don't you stop asking her for them? That would equally solve the problem. I'm more than happy to help any of my friends, but too often people do take advantage and I've actually started cutting friends out of my life for this type of thing. All you should ever expect from a friendship is mutual respect, anything else is a bonus.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 September 2014):
 Scalded cat is afraid of cold water, so if your friend has repeatedly been used and exploted in the past because of being too compliant and easy going, - then she has decided to change her ways, now she may be a bit oversensitive to anything that smells even vaguely of " taking advanrage ". I don't blame her, while I am sure you did not MEAN to take advantage, oth it sounds to me that you take her help sortof for granted : why should she take your wedding gown to the shop for you, it's 20 minutes from her !, it's not like she 's got the shop downstairs and can just make a quick dash. And why do you ask her to carry YOUR purchases in her purse ? Couldn't you bring along / ask from the shop / BUY a tote bag / carrier / plastic bag and bring your purchases yourself ?!
Granted, it's not as if you had asked her to clean up your house top to bottom, yet ... I can see how being asked these kind of favours may give her the impression that you are too quick to rely on her for things that you could and should by yourself.
Moral- respect her boundaries, and do not ask her ( or other people, actually ) favours if it is not strictly necessary.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (12 September 2014):
You said you understood her past and that she has a right to say no...but then you bring up all these issues as if she had no right to say no.
So just because she lives closer to the consignment shop she has no right to complain that it is far? That sort of logic you are throwing is pretty over my head. She still has to take time out of her day to see about something which isn't hers. I can see why she has to put up a fight because her "friends" obviously can't take no for an answer.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (11 September 2014):
 Honeypie hait pegged, I'd follow her wisdom.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (11 September 2014):
 Why not STOP asking her for favors? And stop doing favors for her?
If she has been grossly taken advantage off in the past, maybe it's because she isn't good at figuring out if people ARE taking advantage or just need a hand.
I mean it was YOUR wedding dress, you want to sell it, then honestly I don't see why her NO, means she is a bad friend.
I have had people take advantage of the fact that I'm (mostly) nice. Like babysitting for new neighbors (when we lived on a military installation) and a "can you watch junior for 4 hours, so I can do XYZ" turned into 8 hours with no calls, and not even a "I'm sorry I should have called or something". And then when she tried to pull that again (mind you I was watching her kid for free) I told her no. She got pissed and never talked to me again, which suited me fine.
I don't blame your friend. You need to accept that she has some boundaries and when she says no, then just accept it.
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