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age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years. A couple of months ago we broke up for about one month, then decided that wasn't the right decision and have gotten back together.Well, there is a problem that has been bothering me a bit that may sound ridiculous but for some reason it's making me feel somewhat sad. The problem is facebook (yeah, I know). Ever since my boyfriend and I have gotten back together, he does not want to put our relaionship back on facebook. I tried to talk to him about it and his response was "Who needs facebook to make it official if we know it?" That was his exact response to me. I know a couple of his female friends aren't too fond of me, and had a little bit to do with our last break - up. We both have had each others facebook passwords in the past and I have also seen conversations of him and other people talking rather negatively about me. I considered them talking bad about me, but he considered them asking for relationship advice....Anyways, my question is, do you think he doesn't want people to know we are back together? Do you have any opinions on why he wouldn't want to put our relationship back on facebook? I know some of you might think well it's only facebook who cares but we both use facebook quite frequently to keep in touch with family and friends, and I would like people to know we are back together (especially some of my family members because they really adore my boyfriend and think our relationship is great). We have been together for two years; we are in a very serious relationship and I don't like the feeling of keeping our relationship 'secretive' Another question I have is not having his password anymore. Now, I understand completely that it is his account and his privacy, and I am most certainly not the type of person who snoops through his things, or be clingy to him or anything I'm just not like that, but we have always been very honest and open with each other about everything (we use to share the same laptop, know each others passwords, played with each others cell phones, etc.) we were just that type of couple. Should I just leave the password thing alone? Should I talk to him and tell him how I feel about these things? I never want to say the wrong thing or him to get the wrong idea so I'm not sure what I should do about these two issues. Thanks for all advice. Take care x
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2013): OP it's simple, the first issue about not changing his relationship status is just a matter of this still only being a trial. You broke up, you don't suddenly become the same as it was, you have to rebuild that enough for him to want to publicly declare that he's in a relationship again. You broke up once he needs to be sure he's not going to have to change it again any time soon before he does. This is still very much in the test phase of the relationship again OP.
The password thing is obvious. You know for a fact he's said some awful things about you during your break up, why would he let you see his thoughts during that time? Not a good idea, he's doing it to stop you being hurt and actually protect your relationship. Plus OP for that month you were broken up you have no right to see any of those messages, you weren't together, so he is better off keeping his profile private from you from now on.
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male
reader, Darrell Goodliffe  +, writes (16 March 2013):
 Right there are two separate issues here. I have no problem with him denying you his password. He does have a right to privacy as other people have said and the fact is that you need to be able to trust him to exercise this right responsibly. If you cant trust him with that then you have a bigger problem than accessing his Facebook frankly and that is the issue you need to address.
In regard to the negative things said, I think you are worrying too much, people need to let off steam, it is not all sunshine and moonbeams 24/7 and if your partner doesnt hack you off once in a while then I would find that, not the reverse a little bizarre. Can you honestly say your bf never annoys you, never makes you feel anything negative in his direction? People naturally turn to their friends and this what has happened here.
In regards to him being unwilling to change his status, that raises my hackles a little more because the simple question has to be 'why' and I think you are justified in feeling a little perturbed by that. I understand he may want to avoid a largely unnecessary fight with his friends who do not like you, however, he cant sneak around with you forever and if he tries too he is going to end up lying to them at least.
What you really need is reassurance that the bad times are behind you and that he is committed to giving this another go. I think you need to talk to him about it and find that reassurance and then this issue will seem as important as it actually is, which is not very important at all.
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female
reader, PerhapsNot  +, writes (16 March 2013):
 I feel that a lot of people have given you their feelings and opinions rather than accounting for your personal story. The fact is you're both on FB a lot. You both had a relationship status before your break up. It's not like you two were the type that left the status blank because you wanted privacy and did not feel the need to share your personal business with all of your FB friends. You, much like the majority of people on FB, posted your relationship status. It's common and most people do have something listed in that slot.
The fact that he is not updating his status has raised a flag for you. It's different from the past and unusual, so it's making you think twice. Maybe he doesn't want everyone to know you're back together because they would not approve, or maybe he is waiting to see if this relationship will go anywhere before announcing it again. Only he knows. If it's bothering you, I would say ask him and get your answer.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 March 2013):
 I'm going to be a dissenting voice here. IF like many people you are both very active on FB, then it's a problem.
I am an avid Facebooker. I use it to communicate with friends a lot. My husband does not have a facebook page and does not care for it; yet I have my status as married (can't put his name without a page) If you live and die by facebook NOT updating your status when it changes is a red flag.
I know my husband's passwords and he knows mine... or rather we've told them to each other but we both forget the private ones. All we need to do is ask and it's given to the other... same with phones and texts etc. The fact that we are so open about it means neither of us actually checks up on the other.... we feel no need and have no trust issues... clearly this is not the case for you OP.
Yes in a relationship folks are entitled to privacy.... but if it's being used to keep secrets from the partner I worry that it's detrimental to the relationship.
I think the key here is trust.... if there is not trust there is no relationship.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (16 March 2013):
 I agree with CMMP
HE (your BF) has a RIGHT to his privacy. It's only FACEBOOK for crying out loud.
LOOK at how he treats you in the relationship and STOP thinking that ANYTHING on the Internet is a true reflection of reality it's NOT.
My hubby has FB, we have been married for 15 years. I don't NEED his PW to be happy, I don't NEED his PW to trust him. He can check my e-mail anytime he wants and I have checked his ( he asked me too) but other then that I don't see the big need to BE in each others business 24/7.
What's next you check his cell phone daily? You are not his mom. If you have a NEED to know EVERYTHING he does then your relationship is lacking trust and respect. And honestly, it won't last. No one wants to feel like a 5 year old naughty child that they partner HAS to check up on constantly.
He doesn't NEED to change his status to be in a HAPPY relationship with YOU. And neither do you, if you really think about it.
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male
reader, deaf4eva +, writes (16 March 2013):
On a positive note.I agree you dont need facebook to know your together i know a few couples where one partner is on facebook and the other isn't. Me and my partner have each others psswords but like you guys we just one of those couples where we trust each other .
On the negative side . The cliche is " you wont give me your password are you seeing someone else?"
the only way around this is the word "Trust" talk it out if you trust each other just get on with it and see where it goes . If there is no trust between the two of you just except it and say goodbye.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 March 2013):
 I think that , if Facebook has already caused issues and drama between you in the past , he just wants to prevent the same from reoccuring. He wants to feel free to ask relationship advice, and even to rant to someone if you two have a tiff or a misunderstanding, without you freaking out and accusing him of things that go beyond his intentions.
Ditto for the passwords. There's also people that feel no need to exchange passwords, and if they want to keep some private space to themselves and not share every single thought with their partner, it does not mean that they necessarily are up to no good or have something to hide.
You may object that it did not use to be so between you before, but I think that's just the point. This total openness and total access has created problems and incomprehensions, might as well to nip the problems in the bud.
So, per se, these things are not indicative of anything in particular. The real issue would be if he also kept you hidden, or on the fringes of his social life, in everyday's life. But if he is does not hide your relationship from your families and mutual friends, and goes out with you openly , etc., I think you should not worry.
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female
reader, Dayzee  +, writes (16 March 2013):
Leave the PW and the face book issue alone, but if the secrecy about your relationship extends to everyday life, ie he keeps you from his friends and family, and only sees you in secret, then he is using you. It's that simple.
If he is otherwise open that he is seeing you, then stop worrying and putting stress on your relationship. But if he is being secretive, break it off and find someone who isn't ashamed to be with you.
Be wary of on again/off again relationships. They can become a never ending cycle, that will prevent you from moving on to a more healthy and relaxed relationship.
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male
reader, CMMP +, writes (16 March 2013):
I think you are over reacting to your boyfriend's desire for privacy.
I'm married and wouldn't give my wife my password and I've never cheated. Just like if a cop wanted to search my car I'd tell him to go to hell.
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