A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have a bit of a problem. Over the holidays me and my relatives went to visit my aunt's in-laws and their family, who I used to feel comfortable around. They're usually nice and welcoming people, so I had no reason not to like them.But, on the day we went, her father in law started acting really creepy. It was the first time I visited in about two years and in that time I changed my appearance. Nothing drastic just different. He kept complimenting me about it, and it made me feel REALLY uncomfortable because he wouldn't stop and it felt more like leering as the day went on. When I first came in he gave me two long hugs which I didn't even return, he just grabbed me and held on and at first I thought he was just a little drunk because he does tend to get like that when drinking. However he was totally sober.One or two compliments is fine and I don't mind that, who doesn't like getting them? But he kept going on and on, saying I was very attractive and constantly staring while his wife wasn't in the room. The weird thing is that my mother and his sister were there and heard him, but I guess they thought he didn't mean anything by it. I'm not saying I'm model-esque or anything, but I like to dress well and I like to mess around with different makeup looks. I'm often told I'm attractive but don't really feel like it, it feels like they're just saying that to be nice or to get something from me. I get a lot of attention and it makes me feel so uncomfortable, I'm always wondering in the back of my mind if someone will take me seriously or only judge the outside. It always feels like negative attention, as if I'm only valued for what I look like or what's between my legs.It bothers me mainly because any attention towards my appearance feels like a threat, especially if it's sexual in nature even if it came from someone I was dating and interested in. I know I have a lot of issues around sexuality and men, I really only feel safe around gay men because I know they're not trying to get into my pants. I feel like that's all men want, even though logically I know not ALL men are looking only to fuck me or use me. The second they show interest I lose trust and respect for them, even if I'm attracted to them.I blame this on being molested more than once as a child by relatives and groomed in my early teen years by a trusted male family friend. I've been exposed to sexually driven attention from a very young age. Whether I like it or not, I feel ugly when I'm depressed because these events have made me tie my self-worth to appearance. In spite of the self worth thing compliments have always made me feel embarrassed and uneasy, even when coming from my best guy friend.Anyway, this happened a few days ago and it's still really bothering me. He's 62 for gods sake. Some of the comments he made were terrible, like 'I like what I see' and 'I can't stop staring, you're really attractive you know that?' He asked if I had a boyfriend repeatedly and kept saying 'oh I'm too old I wish I was younger, beautiful young women are everywhere'. It would be at such random moments, like when I was eating dessert with my mom or sitting with my aunt's son (he's a baby, I was taking care of him at the time) and watching tv. I used to feel comfortable around them and now I don't, I was so desperate to leave that day. I feel like he betrayed my trust because I believe that's a line a relative or almost-relative should never ever cross. I don't want to bring it up because it was awkward enough to begin with, but how can I get past it and this feeling of being valued for only what I look like? I can't afford therapy and I'm afraid to go to a support group. Please help me..
View related questions:
depressed, drunk Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2010): I can partially relate. Last month, I realized my 60 something uncle is a pervert. He started asking me about my bra size and kept on talking about boobs and bras in front of the entire family on my birthday! It made me feel so uncomfortable and embarrassed. Before that, I noticed his hugs were slightly inappropriate and when he kissed me on the cheek, his lips were suspiciously close to my lips. But all that talk about my boobs finally made it clear that it wasn't all in my head. I'll do my best to avoid him from now on. I suggest you do the same with your relative.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2010): Um sounds like a combination of things. Perhaps he was too straightforward with his compliments and perhaps you are very sensitive because of what you have been through.
Not trying to minimize your concern but it is pretty common in families for an older male relative to compliment/admire the younger cousins/nieces. And based on his comments it doesn't sound that off to me. I have been through that a million times. With the older relatives admiring my youth, my beauty. It happens in all families. Trust me.
But you have good reason to be skeptical and to feel weary after being taken advantage of by your own family members. It is hard for you to draw the line or take it as a joke because you have seen this behavior cross the line of just being innocent compliments.
While I don't generally advise therapy (because I feel most issues can be nurtured, resolved and healed with family support and support from friends), in your case I think therapy would be very valuable. Your trauma in particular is one that family and friends might not be apt to help you with. And there are professionals who are trained to deal with your specific problem and school you through the pain and the trauma and teach you how to deal with your conflict. These are trained people in specifically what you have been through who can truly help you.
In your case therapy would be very very very valuable and I highly recommend it. I know you can't afford it but luckily there are systems that many therapists have in place based on your income. If you cannot afford the full bill they can lower it to what you can afford. Please look into this. I am not a religious person but I recommend you go to a therapist that works in conjunction with a church or an organization that provides assistance to people in need (Red cross, stuff like that) as opposed to a private therapist (private therapists will probably not accomodate your income needs, and they tend to be rather cold, probably more into collecting money than a genine concern for your well being. They will make you feel more depressed. Trust me.) I know this because I have been to all sorts of therapists.
So look for therapists that work with benevolent organizations, whose mission is to genuinely help people. Organizations that give to society (not just collect money). I promise they will be able to offer you help in spite of your lack of income. They will make you feel safe, comfortable, understood and loved. And if they do charge you a small fee, perhaps you can ask your parents to help you with it.
I hope you take my advice. Wish you all the best.
...............................
A
male
reader, lawyerbait +, writes (28 December 2010):
 You can either let his statements bother you, or you can move beyond them and just ignore the jerk. I know it's difficult to do sometimes, but one shouldn't let others control how they feel. However, you probably should get your bad feelings off your chest by telling your aunt; I doubt you're likely to fix a boorish 62 year-old by confronting him directly.
...............................
A
male
reader, stillprayze +, writes (28 December 2010):
It sounds like you have a lot of different emotions going on. I'm not sure of his intentions but what I will say is don't go anywhere you feel uncomfortable. Know that you are more than what you look luke and what happen to you as a child was not your fault. You were a victim but at this point you have to choose to be a victor, focus on your strong points and work on your weak areas sp that your life will be better.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2010): Creepy male relatives are more common than you think. I think in particular, older males are allowed to get away with it because it's seen as "harmless". They might flirt with you rather than a stranger, preciscley because it is perceived this way and they know they they can get away with it.
I think the best way to deal with this problem is to do what your mom and his wife won't, tell him that it's inappropriate and makes you feel uncomfortable.
This last happened to me when I was receiving flirtatious texts from an uncle on valentines day. I texted back, "Dear Uncle - , I believe I mistakenly received some texts intended for your girlfriend. Your Neice, -"
Be direct. It will probably hurt his ego and family gatherings including him might be uncomfortable, but at the moment, they are uncomfortable, and they are uncomfortable only for you.
...............................
A
male
reader, steph007  +, writes (28 December 2010):
Next time tell him that you were molested as a kid several times, your self confidence is a bit vulnerable, plus, you cannot give appropriate reactions to such compliments, so unfortunately his appreciative words offend and torture you. You would prefer that if nobody noticed your appearance being that good or bad, does not matter.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2010): I was molested throughout my childhood and combined with that I was routinely mocked for being fat and ugly by my brothers. It was like living in a POW camp. Systematic abuse on every level. When the humiliation and sexual abuse wasn't going on, I was being verbally and physically abused by my parents.
I began to see beauty as power. When I became beautiful (I obsessively worked at it) no one mocked me any longer and men became fearful of me... afraid to approach me. I wanted to share this with you... because we can turn beauty/attractiveness into a place of power... or fearful of it... based upon how the abuse took place.
Being beautiful gave me control.
The thing that really stands out to me in your message is that you remained SILENT while a male made you feel sexually vulnerable and uncomfortable. This sounds a lot like reenactment of the psychological/emotional dynamic of sexual abuse. They did their perving and you were like a scared rabbit.
Silence is part of this dynamic... and frankly it isn't much of a surprise that your family members were brain dead to it. After all, aren't you dealing with the very same people who were brain dead to it when you were a kid? It amazes me... I can look back at the situations and try to cut my family some slack... saying maybe this one or that one didn't know what was going on... but let's face it... they chose not to. Just like they chose not to now.
So, really think about why you are willing to play the game. Why are you willing to play the game...
You can break the cycle... now I am not suggesting you go ballistic and freak out on them... I'm merely suggesting that you learn how to say NO. When someone is perving and crossing the line... turn the tables on them... bring their comments out into the open...
For example... let yourself become offended rather than intimidated. Understand that boundaries have been crossed and allow yourself to be offended by this... break the cycle. What would I have done?
I probably would have said something like..."I totally get the whole 'I look great thing'... and hey, thanks... but enough already". Or, I might have made his comments into a group discussion... such as "do you guys really think I look that different...? So and so says I look very attractive, etc... (quote him) Take his little sexual control game away from him. Call them out on it. If I caught the staring at the butt thing... I would have shot him a dirty look calling him on it. Stand up for yourself and say NO.
We are judged by our appearance and there are quite a few men and women who make what is between their legs a huge priority in their lives... far more value is placed on sex than on character or integrity... or for that matter ... even love or kindness. Read the boards here... some of the most horrible things I have ever heard about ... concerning sexual relationships... I've read on this site.
Now, you must decide what is important to you and what you value about yourself. I doesn't matter what others want or think... or whether guys just want to get laid. At the end of the day who really cares... Because... you are in control of that.
You control who gets into your pants now... maybe your couldn't when you were young... but you have that power now. Use it. Feel it. Understand that you can and should declare boundaries... You'd be surprised how men back off on treating you like a sexual victim when you stop being one.
Don't become the scared rabbit. If you are offended ... deal with the offender. They are not entitled to your participation in concealing what they are doing... Do you see the parallel between what happened at the party and sexual victimization from your childhood? We are taught to remain quiet and take the offense... Then, to pretend nothing happened so no one has to feel uncomfortable... or to keep it to ourselves so as not to upset the family.
Frankly... when I had enough of it... I realized that I owed no one comfortability. Now, I'm not saying you need to be a psycho and totally create a scene and be rude and upset everyone...
I'm suggesting that you cut the pervert off at the knees by subtly embarrassing him by calling him out... By repeating what he says... and even saying something like... "did I hear you correctly?". Or, act like you didn't hear it and say... "I'm sorry... I'm not sure I heard you correctly... did you say...... (insert here).... ?"
Control them by shining the light on them... Nothing will make a bunch of rats scatter more than shining a light on them.
Molesters can spot a victim (or a child/adult) taught to be a victim a mile away. Perhaps you might consider taking some sort of martial arts class... feel your power... feel your strength... let this part of you heal. Your experience in regaining physical power may help you regain balance in establishing boundaries and making sure they are respected. Then... maybe you can have fun being attractive because you know you are safe... and maybe then it won't matter to you if guys want to get into your pants... because you can say no.
...............................
A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (28 December 2010):
Though I believe you are indeed not imagining things, your own issues with men and sexuality seem to magnify everything.
You are disgusted when men show interest in you 'in that way' while many women would not be. I think that's the reason why he thinks it's acceptable: different upbringing, different past.
Where I live, a guy telling a girl she's a hot piece of ass is well..pretty much normal. Hell, men who are way too old to be making such remarks and still doing it are not frowned upon either. When I first went out to a party hosted locally at age 15, the first thing I remember is someone grabbing my ass. (And I distinctly remember giving him that punch in the face afterwards as well, but that's another matter.)
Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that though I agree with you that they should not behave like this, they are probably not really as threatening as they come across to you. Try to relax a little and shrug it off. They can look at you but not get you. Simple as that. Normally I would say "open your mouth and tell him off" but I don't think that would be wise because you WILL be blamed. So try to stand above that crap and let them jabber on as they will.
If it really goes too far, tell them "aren't those comments reserved for your wife?" That's what I do when it gets too crazy. I also have a pact of sorts with a relative of mine. When things get too bad for her, I step in and make a joke, saying "if you go on like this she might start to think you're creepy." She does the same for me. That way, you look out for one another without getting blamed. Is there something similar that you can arrange?
Also, considering your past you might want to take on some self defense lessons if only to help your confidence and sense of safety. I have been doing martial arts for 10 years and it has done wonders for my confidence because I know I can handle the situation if someone goes too far. Another plus is that these lessons are usually not expensive and you learn a lot in little time.
I hope everything works out!
...............................
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (28 December 2010):
 i think you are observant. It would appeal that the said father in law has sanctioned and encouraged a culture amongst the men in his family - to objectify women.
And the women stay silent - they have learned to ''know their place'' - that silence means the men never get to hear that it's unacceptable behavior in this modern era
Stay away from them and feel sorry for any girl who marries into that family.
And you were not rude. You were very controlled and polite in the circumstances
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both so much for your answers, they helped me a lot. It's good to know I'm not just imagining it. There are times I wonder if I'm jumping to conclusions too fast and this was one of them.Abella, I did in fact do that. I barely gave a smile and just said thanks in that sort of hesitant 'please stop' way, then basically blocked him out. Didn't even look his way the whole night, but he didn't get it. Walking away when he started up again didn't do it either. I didn't say goodbye when I left, hopefully that was finally enough. I will never be alone with him, who the hell knows what he'd try if he acted that way in front of everyone? I'm polite to everyone but I guess he took it as interest.As for my family saying something to him about it, they won't. This has happened before with other relatives and nothing is ever done. I'm told I was being rude if I make any remarks, they call me shallow for assuming I'm being hit on. My immediate family is very repressed, they cope with issues by ignoring them.To rcn, you're absolutely right. I'm not always confident but very good at seeming so. In contrast to that I do have a high level of self respect. Breaking down the wall is the issue, it's a struggle I've had for many years yet I still don't know how to bring it down enough to open up to the right people and be comfortable with myself. I wonder if not letting go completely to what happened has really been the problem all along.Another issue I'm dealing with is my aunt's husband. He's another one I don't feel comfortable around, I caught him staring at my ass when I was helping wrap presents and I've always just gotten a really weird vibe from him. That whole family really, the day we visited I felt stared down the whole day by his cousin as well. He kept standing in my way or moved when I passed by so I accidentally brushed against him, it's like wow really? How subtle.Again, thank you both.
...............................
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (28 December 2010):
yes he did go too far and yes he is to be avoided.I am glad you gave his age. Initially as I started to read i thought he might be approaching senility and losing his inibitions. But that was not the case.I realise at Christmas everyone tries to be lovely to everyone and tolerate or overlook some actions of relatives. But as he went on and on. Thus i am surprised your Mom did not speak to your Aunt and get him to desist. I hope your Aunt doesnot have to suffer this rubbish.And for the protection of any younger females it might be good if the members of the family kept an eye on him to ensure he does not overstep the markIf you visit again with your Mom let her know in advance of your discomfort at Christmas. What you look like and what you wear does not entitle him to make inappropriate commetsSometimes we can be too lady like, and not want to offend, when these sort ofremarks happen. It might be better if we assertively spoke up at the time, even if such a man then claims he was ONLY showing admiration or if his commentwas rude - claim he was ONLY joking.Next time I think I would try a restrained (not a flirty smile) smile and remark in front of witnesses, ''two compliments on the same day is all i need thankyou'' That way you draw attention to his actions and words, thus giving notice that you want no more. People will then notice if he disrespects your request.Do not be alone with him ever.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2010): Thank you for your post. Yes, I agree this older guy is def a creeper and he did cross some lines. If I were you, Id come forth and tell family. They will trust you and respect your thoughts and properly address it as you do have a genuine concern here. It is unhealthy to hold things in like this and you do need to get it out so the air can be clear. I think you have a rational fear of looking awkward when coming forth with the issue however with respect thats not justification enough as it involves a pure emotion. The fact is you felt embarrassed and uncomfortable and thought a line was crossed. I used to see creepy old guys at the gym and wow... as a man, i can tell a lot from a mans eyes and body language. I feel for you here and as a guy who does respect ladies, despite what appearances may suggest, I think its important you come forth and stand up for yourself. Doing so may help your confidence in just knowing you did something to react in a good way.Your past issues are very important here and do have a profound effect on things and it is absolutely vital you find someone to speak with or you will not be able to have healthy relationships with men of interest. Free counseling can sometimes be good. Heck, why not talk to a very close friend who understands you and u trust in confidence? I feel you have a lot on ur mind and just need a voice to listen and maybe get a little feedback. Good luck here miss :)
...............................
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (28 December 2010):
 Stop being afraid. There are certain lines relatives or near relatives should not cross, and if you feel he did, I would not recommend being alone with him in any situation. You mentioned only being values for what's in between your legs. Why are you putting such a low label on your value. You may be with a guy who may desire what's there, but that doesn't mean that's the whole of your value to them. It is true that being molested and assaulted when young that your perception of yourself can be altered, but that makes knowing yourself and setting personal boundaries even more important, because that's where you'll find your sense of self.Physical looks don't have much value if that's all that is being taken into account. I want you to begin valuing yourself for who you are and not what you look like. It seems as if you are lacking in your view of yourself on the inside, and who you really are. You were hurt by those you trusted, so it's difficult for you to extend trust to others. I can understand that, but also understand that it will not change until you change from the inside out. I want you to research different methods of forgiveness and overcoming the past trauma you've gone through. This is important because as long as your heart is hardened by what others have done to you, you won't be set free emotionally from those acts. You are carrying a huge weight that you should not have to carry. I'm not saying those who have hurt you deserve your forgiveness, but you deserve to live without the pain and affect caused by what they did to you. I hope that makes sense.I want you look deep within yourself and list what you find attractive about who you are that has noting to do with physical looks. That needs to be your focus. What are your interests, likes and dislikes, your personality, your ambitions, dreams and goals. These are all part of who you really are, and they need to be kept close to your sense of being. Anyone can be attractive, and have guys wanting what's between the legs, and those guys you want to weed out of your life. Look for guys who have these same interests, who look in your eyes, not at your chest when you're talking to them, and you'll attract guys who are real to you. You've had some hateful, hurtful things happen to you, but you are not the molestation, or the assault. Those are things that have happened to you, but they do not define who you are and they don't make you any less of who you are as a person. I truly believe that if you love yourself, others will love you. If you respect yourself then others will respect you. That the way people view you and accept you is in direct relation to how you view and accept yourself. I hope this helps, and if you need anything else, feel free to ask. Take care.
...............................
A
female
reader, mystic.angel.06 +, writes (28 December 2010):
Eww. I hate it when old men hit on young women. I suppose it makes them feel more youthful or something. But they don't realize how uncomfortable it makes us feel. Especially the ones we have to come back into contact with. A support group wouldn't be a bad idea. They are a lot less costly than one on one thereapy and sometimes free depending on where you live and how you come across them. But most likely the feeling will pass in time. You'll end up forgetting about it probably. If you just ignored him, he may have gotten the hint and may not step out of line if you have to see him again. Good Luck.
...............................
|
