A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Uhm so about two years ago me and my friend lost our virginities to each other. We were both drinking but regardless of being drunk it was insanely painful for me. We tried so many times because I thought I was being a wimp but the pain was horrible. So every time we would have sex I would be drunk, just so the pain would be less. We did attempt one or two times sober but not being very successful since I had to stop. I was with another person after him and it was still just as painful and of course I had drank again. I finally went to the OBGYN and realized my birth control was swelling up my glands causing the severe pain. After that I had two one night stands (I know, I regret it but you live and learn) both being drunk. I cant seem to get confident enough to be with anyone sober. I am absolutely terrified of sex now since I feel no one will understand that if I have sex with them sober it'll be like Im losing my virginity all over again. I have no idea how to over pass this hurdle. My best friend and I seem to be on a similar boat so I have someone to talk to but both of us have no idea what to do to get out of this. Its been almost a year since I've had sex since the next time it happens I want to be completely sober, but its so hard Im so tempted to take the easy way out and not deal with this emotionally. Any advise would be helpful really.
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best friend, drunk, one night stand Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2018): Hi, your question is a bit misleading, I think.
It sounds like your problem is now more psychological than physical. (It's totally understandable that your brain wants to avoid pain.) I would see a therapist; good sex is a pleasure that you will hopefully enjoy much more sober.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (28 January 2018):
 I'd go back to the GYN, have another exam and talk about it. It might be more than "just" side effects of the BC you used to be on.
Also, sex isn't just about penetration, you know that, right?
A CASUAL sex partner is not REALLY going to care that you are apprehensive or even a bit scared of it hurting, after all for them it's all about sex.
SO, my advice is GET to know a guy. Get to know him so you FEEL comfortable with him. Have a LOT AND LOT of foreplay before actually having sex. If your GYN sees no physical reason why it was painful, then being RELAXED (and no not by alcohol but by KNOWING your partner well) and being aroused before you two get to the penetration part. Maybe the first few times stick to "mutual" oral and just get to know one another's bodies.
Sober sex is MUCH better than a drunken fumble.
Having sex with someone you don't give a single F about doesn't make things easier, it's just meaningless sex. Which is why I suggest you look for someone you ACTUALLY care about and who cares about you. It makes things much more enjoyable OVERALL.
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A
male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (28 January 2018):
This is a common problem that, fortunately, is much discussed on the internet. Google "painful sex" and it comes up with an enormous 28 million links! Several causes are mentioned. Do some research here and you should be able to identify your problem and read about remedies.
If you find the internet not working for you, see a doctor. Sex is too wonderful....it would be a shame for you not to enjoy it.
I have to add that I hope you are using protection during sex. And I'm happy to hear that you will be sober the next time you try it. You really don't want to be doing something that you dread so much you get drunk to do it. Actually, the best way to enjoy sex is while sober!
Good luck to you!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2018): You need to see your doctor/gynecologist about this again. It's not supposed to be painful, that's not normal. I realize your friend also has this, supposedly, but it's not normal to be in pain when you have sex. This can be helped by a doctor/gynecologist. If your birrth control was to blame, then change birth control or stick with condoms. If lubrication is the problem, buy lube on a tube.
And seriously, if INTERCOURSE (not sex) is painful, then have other forms of sex. There are many ways to enjoy each other sexually other than intercourse. Do that while sober. Start with becoming comfortable with having sex and stop thinking it's all about intercourse.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (28 January 2018):
 If you can't have sex without being drunk, you're not ready for sex. I'm sorry, OP, but your behaviour and drinking to have sex is very unhealthy. Wait until you're with someone you're in a relationship with, who you *do* feel comfortable around without alcohol.
You could end up pregnant or with a sexually transmitted infection, just because you were too drunk to be responsible or notice that the other person was reckless too.
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