A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:[Moderator note: a little more background, YOUR background would be helpful. How long have you been married? Are there children involved? How long has this been going on? Do you know for certain she's been on dating sites or is it just a strong suspicion? Can she afford to support herself financially?]....and this is right after the divorce. I have been with her for several yeas now--as the single guy-- and I alway assumed that we would have some kind of future when she decided to get a divorce. I'm obviously a little shocked that she's chosen to explore on-line dating, but not completely surprised;she's always looking for compliments and affirmation lately, and I guess I've been slipping in that department. We had (have) great physical chemistry and a solid connection on many levels. I am hurt but not devastated; this type of hot and cold behavior is to be expected from those who deceive their spouses for many years. What does hurt though is the fact that I am in essence being replaced. She's obviously looking for some kind of soulmate, and I'm apparently not it.She has alluded to the fact that she's not sure if we're compatible on all levels, yet she always pulls me back in to have her physical needs met at some point. I can't say I wasn't warned. It just hurts, especially after all this time of passion and fun. But why has she given me so many mixed signals? She always come back around, but I'm not so sure about this time around Any thoughts? Advice?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 August 2015):
 She has given you mixed signals because she, like zillions of people, males and females alike, does not like to work without a net, and won't let go of the old relationship, albeit stale and unfulfilling, before they have firmly secured for themselves a fresher, more exciting one.
You will still do for the time being, although you do not provide anymore what she is looking for, - better than nothing, in her mond.
Like, say, drinking Pepsi while you wait for the deli to replenish its supplies of your beloved Coke which run out. Hey it's not " it " but it's still a cola drink.
I mist say that from her point of view it makes sense, and, as you say , you should have seen iit coming, ot's hardly sureisisng.
If you are a woman who takes a lover because you feel stuck into a humdrum, boring marriage,... what are you supposed ( and likely ) to do when the lover becomes as humdrum and boring and lackluster as the husband ?, other than what she is doing now,i.e. looking for fresher greener pastures.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWiseOwlE......you have no clue how I allowed myself to get roped into this. What I was a part of was not part of my moral and ethical foundation, but unless you've experienced it you have no clue how the insidious process actually works. An attractive married woman who has you in the crosshairs and has her mind made up is very hard to resist; it all starts out as "friends". It's not easy my friend, but it's still indefensible. What I did was wrong.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2015): I didn't think you were falling apart. I was suggesting to you that you were in the kind of relationship that typically ends the way yours did. You got something out of it perhaps; but being the guy cheating with another man's wife doesn't deserve much respect. You're over 40 now, do something with your life you can be proud of; and find love that has more meaning. That's all I've got to say.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have to honestly say that I ignored a lot of her genuine overtures and needs towards the end - I became like that married person she was trying to denounce. She gave me a lot of hints regarding what I needed to do to keep her around; it all fell on deaf ears towards the end because I was getting tired of it all as well. I didn't listen. But the many years of unbridled passion several times a week is something that I will cherish. She's very selfish (obviously), but I would not have been with her this long if I wasn't getting something out of it, and wasn't selfish as well. I'm not sitting here in some sullen state of lament listening to love songs, drinking vodka, while wearing a bathrobe, and with papers stacking up outside the driveway. But I am going to miss her.....I'm going to miss her a lot, and for a long time! It's all good.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2015): You have a use. When people cheat on their spouses, it's mainly to find someone they can interact with; without too much necessity for trust or emotional attachment. It's more physical than emotional. Lust in the place of love. A scandalous adventure. The drama.
Oh, sure; they tell you how much they care. They keep coming back, and you have a great time together. You just have to remember, you are entertainment and recreation; apart from her humdrum marriage. Which also has a purpose. That purpose far outweighs your value in her life. You are replaceable. She offers her loyalty to no one. Not even to the person she shares vows. He gives her stability, marital rights, splits the bills; and on occasion, she cares about him. She has less respect for you, than he. You've reduced yourself to being used, thinking you're the user. He's none the wiser. He provides what she needs out of a marriage. You fill in, where he misses the mark. Now you're becoming more like him. Just there.
You are hurt, because you attached your feelings to a rolling stone. She appreciates the physical connection; the make-believe romance, and the convenience of being able to just walkaway when she's tired or bored with you. You provide mystery and suspense, through sneaking around. That's the downfall of being the piece on the side, and the provider of recreational-sex. You fill in the cracks and the void where her spouse is deficit, or inept. She will leave him when the better replacement comes along. That wasn't your purpose. As you have now come to know.
She's moving on. That's actually a blessing in disguise. It is time for you to find something meaningful to attach your feelings to. You are no longer playmates, and you're far too mature for such a flimsy emotional-connection.
You're a "mister-ess!" A man-toy, stand-in, and a dildo with other body parts. You don't want to spend your life reduced to that level. Go find someone available and able to offer you love and respect. It's probably fun sneaking around, when you're a youngster in your 20's.
In your 40's? Dude...seriously?!!
Well, you've reached your expiration-date, and your warranty has run-out. You've got too much mileage! She's probably searching for a newer model and something she considers more meaningful. You had a purpose, and it was never about love for her.
Let that sink in, so you can go out and find yourself a better romantic situation. This is part of the karma for cheating. However; you'll find real love once you get-over her and redeem yourself by not taking what isn't yours to take. By seeing it's wrong to have affairs with people committed to others in marriage. Even if it feels good at the beginning; it won't when it comes to an end. Now you know what her cheated-husband would feel.
Need I say more?
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A
female
reader, mystiquek  + ♥, writes (3 August 2015):
 You've had some wonderful answers so I will just cut to the chase. There is "Mr Right" and "Mr. Right Now". You are "Mr. Right Now". You are fine for fun and excitement and you are available. She doesn't consider you to a permanent fixture in her life though or she wouldn't be looking elsewhere.
Lick your wounds and move on. She is.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (3 August 2015):
 So why not just cut her off and move on ?
You were NOT the reason she divorced, you may just have been the catalyst. She was USING YOU as a distraction (for herself) and she is still doing that. It's not about caring about you for her. She probably knows that outside of the bedroom you two wouldn't work full time OR she simply don't want you as a partner and constant reminder of her OWN short coming (cheating on a spouse for years etc.)
She replaced her husband (while still being married) with you, and now that the marriage is over... she is again replacing YOU with someone else.
I get that it hurts, but YOU made the choice to waste your time, energy, passion etc. on a woman who has/had no loyalty to anyone but herself and HER needs. YOU CHOSE to be with a woman who cheated on her husband. You had NO problem with that... but now that YOU are being replaced? maybe you know how the husband felt.....
Only advice I can give you is this. You reap what you sow. That goes for her too. If you CONTINUE to let her USE you for sex and fun, then that is ALL she sees you as. YOU want more? TRY a single lady.
Cut her off, tell her no more. I'm done with being your F-toy boy.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (3 August 2015):
 I think for a long term to work, it has to start out the traditional way. Courtship, honeymoon and marriage. If she sees a guy who can do both casual and serious, it makes her feel insecure because there's a chance that you have one foot out the door. I guess when she looks for a date, she's going to pretend to be some innocent girl, full of vulnerability whom no one would suspect she's had flings before. I guess for men it's the same thing. You would think twice about committing to a girl who's capable of separating emotions from sex.
For an affair to be good, the sex has to be awesome. In a marriage, sex is secondary to romance and commitment. She is giving you mixed signals because she's not ready to let you go yet. She wants to get the most out of you, get it out of the system before settling.
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