A
female
age
22-25,
daisyb212
writes:My 9 year old step daughter who lives with me and her dad constantly lies to her natural mum. Everything is great as long as she gets her own way, as soon as she doesn't she causes immense problems for us, this is just one example as it happened last night but these occur every couple of days, anyway her bed time is 8.30pm and at 8pm last nite she asked for spaggetti bolognaise left overs, I said 'ok but don't eat all of it as it's close to bedtime' (let me say that day she had pancakes for breakfast, cheese sandwhich for lunch, a baked potato with cheese n beans when we were out shopping in the aftrenoon then the spag bol ofr dinner around 6:30) anyway her response was 'FINE !!SO IM NOT ALLOWED ANYTHING TO EAT THEN' slammed the door and stormed off, I went after her and said 'darling I'm not saying you can't have any, just don't eat it all' and she ignored me!(me and her dad very very rarely shout, we talk calmly and nicely to make her see that shouting gets people nowhere). Anyway 15 minutess later she came to us saying (in a cheeky way by the way) 'so am I getting spaghetti bolobnase' and I said no. I explained she'd had the chance earlier and she'd stromed off in a huff over nothing, and asked her to go brush her teeth and get her pjs on! well.. now of course she's not getting her own way she wants to phone her mum. I said she could once she'd brushed her teeth and put on her pjs as previously asked. After crying and shouting she did it so we let her phone her mum (by now its just past bedtime). She tells her mum we are horrible to her, don't spend enough time with her, won't let her have anything to eat, won't let her phone her mum, and as usual a continual barrage of lies, mostly pointless, meaningless but all add up to a bad picture and this is how it goes, every time one tiny little thing happens that doesn't suit her then or she gets told off she calls her mum. It was half term this week, we took her to the fair for a whole day, the cinema one night, played board games in the house, went shopping, we do my workout dvd together and lots of other stuff, she had a sleepover one night, we baked rice crispie cakes, visited the grandparents, she got new mobile which we topped up and clothes. We constantly make her feel special, show her she's loved, try and bring her up well. (The reason she lives with us now is that her mother said she couldn't cope about 7 months ago btw). We reward good behaviour and pull her up about the bad. But now her mother is obviously concerned because of the lies she tells her. We try and explain to mother that she's lying a lot and playing her but she won't believe it and thinks the girl might be better going back to live with her but the girl doens't want to go there and when her mum mentions it she says she wants to be here, so why won't she stop lying to her mum, causing all this drama and concern over nothing?The girl is much better off with us and we will fight to make sure she gets brought up with us as the mother is mentally unstable and has a history of bi-polar depression, although she has a decent job but why courts? Why all this drama? Why can't the girl see what she's doing? Why put us all through this, I dont understand? Parents been split for 8 years, mother now married, girl is an only child. Please please any comments would be great, but just bear in mind the mother is not a reasonable woman, she doesn't even think we should confront the girl about all her lies. Sitting down together would probably resolve very little, and if anything it would be short lived, Very short lived.Thakns Reply to this Question |
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male
reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (20 February 2008):
 Hi. I have been a Dad and a step Dad and have experienced similar difficulties.
I'll give you my reactions and comments:
I found, the hard way, that it's best not to try and be a "parent" in any way with a step child. Let all rules and discipline go via the natural parent. In your house the natural parent has to be both the Mum and Dad. It's not easy I know, and was alien to my way of thinking as well. But do consider it. For example, in the situation you described, if she wanted spaghetti bolognaise she should ask her Dad, not you. It's up to him. And he gets it for her if that is what was required. And if she had stormed off, then come back, it should have been Dad saying it's too late.
The statistics do show that kids emotional development is often affected by a divorce, or rather the preceding build up to the divorce. The exact circumstances vary, but it is so complex as to be almost impossible for a step parent to get it right.
So, there's a lot of emotion going on deep inside the child, that really no one fully understands. You also mentioned the Mum has problems. Some of that may have passed to the child as well, either genetically or as learned behaviour.
The stance you took when the child came back down after storming off, was absolutely right ..... ....if it was your own child. But it doesn't seem to work that way with step children. The situation is far more dynamic. You take the right course of action, but other factors come into play, that just do not occur in a 'natural parents' situation. That's what you have now to some extent. The child has stamped her feet, and now there are all sorts of thoughts, fears and emotions that surface.
Think about re-positioning yourself. You take a back seat. Let the Dad be the parent (both Mum and Dad). Don't allow a situation develop where the girl asks the Dad and the Dad asks you. But what I found worked out very well, was all requests went to the natural parent, who took all the decisions as far as the child was concerned.
The step parent can never win, can never do enough, but so easily finds themself in a position open to criticism.
There's much more to this than I can explain, but if you and your man have a chat about it and consider all the different scenarios it is possible to agree an arrangement which is much more harmonious.
Good luck
Richard
(that was an amazing amount of food she had that day)
A
female
reader, deejuliet  + ♥, writes (19 February 2008):
 Some of these things going on may not be deliberate lying and trying to cause harm as you seem to feel. I know you said that the child has lived with you for 7 months. What was the situation before that? Visiting on alternate weekends? How long have you been with the Father? How much of that time have you been a parent figure to the child? Just these last 7 months or longer? Have you had any other children? Or is she your first? I am asking a lot of questions and I do hope you will answer them as I think the answers will have a lot of bearing on being able to help you get though this tough time.
I am the Mother of 2 boys, both biologically mine. Some of the behavior you describe is common among children and really is not so much 'lying' and trying to cause discord as just the selfish self centeredness of children. Even though you are being very resonable in first asking her to not eat too much spag bol and in then denying her any as a result of her bad behavior a child is not going to see it that way. Children often see things in black and white extremes. Saying it is too late to eat and you misbehaved so you may not have a snack imediately blows up in a childs mind to 'you never let me have anything to eat!' She will say this because that is how she feels *at that moment*. No, of course it isnt true and she really knows this. When she is calm and reasonable she can tell you this, but in her upset she will insist that you NEVER let her eat anything! Children will often insist that they hate you, that you dont love them, that this or that ALWAYS or NEVER happens when really it is their way of expressing that they are angry or distraught or fearful. Dont give in to these tantrums as that will only encourage that they continue, but do try to continue to be calm and reasonable in the face of her tirades. Continue to offer time, attention, love and understanding. By spending time with her, going to the fair and all those other great things, you are teaching her that she is truly loved and taken care of. She may continue to have tantrums and that really is normal. Kids just cannot mangage to be wonderful ALL the time! She wants to call her Mum because she knows she will get imediate sympathy and attention which is what she craves. But when it is suggested that she move back to her Mums, she knows that the best place for her to be is with you. You are doing well. Hang in there. You are doing right by this child. I know that this advice has not been well written and is somewhat disjointed. Hopefully this dialogue will continue and someone who is better at explainthing things with clarify my thoughts. Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2008): Tell the Mum what your timetable is going to be and that if she has concerns she is welcome to call you. Even ask her advice if you think it would make her more helpful. I am sure she feels guilty about not being able to cope with the little girl and this may be positive for her. You could say that you realise how hard it must be for her to hear things from the girl and worry about them, but to be reassured that you handle things a certain way. Tell her what those ways are and gain her agreement. Agree together a method of sanction so she feels she has more say and you are working as a team.You could keep a special drawing/diary book at your house to record what you have done, meals etc. This could go home with her so her Mum can feel she knows about your side of life. She may appreciate your offer of this very much. You adults can also discuss whether the girl should maybe spend more time with her Mum, but why not discuss it together like human beings. Start with an open agenda about what is best for the girl.Don't discount the Mum's worries and fears by citing her depression. She may have had problems but what she has to say should count as she is the girls mother. She may be being unreasonable because you are not treating her as a reasonable person and are starting off on a defensive footing. Why not say "Look, I would really value the chance to talk to you and get some advice about what (girls name). Would that be OK?" Then proceed with a bit of humility and an open mind. Maybe introduce the diary idea as a way of showing that you are committed to working as a team with her. I know this sounds like good intentions, which do go wrong, but it is worth a try. If you do argue (try not) you can always end the conversationn by saying that you will continue to hope to build more trust between you and that she can call you any time if she has concerns. It may build more slowly than you want but have patience and very good luck.
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A
female
reader, faith_believe_love  +, writes (19 February 2008):
 Hi, That girl was funny and at the same time annoying. I think that kid was just jealous i dont know why i actually said this, But its the first thing that comes on my mind. Longer your patience even though shes doing these stuff shes still a kid. You can try to bond with her in a different way in that way you can get the girls trust and she will be close to you.Your doing a right thing those of what you mentioned like spending time with her go out shopping,etc.but do it like shes really your daughter dont do these if you just need it to do so, so these girl will change her attitude that kid may feel it you know. Hope that helps. Take care.
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