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My 16 year old daughter wants to spend time with these older men! What do I do?

Tagged as: Age differences, Family, Friends, Teenage, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (15 May 2018) 8 Answers - (Newest, 17 May 2018)
A female United Kingdom age 41-50, anonymous writes:

My 16 year old daughter has recently made some new friends. At first I let them come round to our house only. My issue is they are in their late 20's. They talk about music as my daughter plays guitar. But now she has been wanting to go see their band. I give her curfews which she follows. Now she's saying she'd like to get a job which I am not comfortable with. She talks about how cool it would be to have her own place. I am at my wits end with her. She see's her friends on a nearly daily basis. Before she was 16 I limited her contact with other kids. Which I think she always resents me for but I only did it to keep her safe. Now one of the guys seems interested in her and she's interested in him. I think it's disgusting. I have tried telling her she can't see these friends anymore. I was much happier when she wanted to spend time with me. But now she's always annoyed with me. She used to take me with her to her friends houses but she eventually got bored and said people thought it was weird hanging about with someone's mum. I don't know what to do i feel so lost.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (17 May 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntYou are aware off what a parents job is aren't you? She is not your friend she is your daughter, I think you have tried hard to have her as a friend and not guide her as a mother should. Now that she is growing up and searching for her own life you are saying you should leave her like she has left you? Really? Who is the adult here? Surely you can see that this is not right.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2018):

It's no wonder what she is doing based on your reply.You are going to run away to Scotland?You are now acting like the daughter and your daughter is acting like the parent.I give up.You just do not get it do you?You must have had her young.Its because I just cannot wrap my head around this.You allowed her to hang with thease older guys that is all on you mom.Now about all you can do is make sure you put her on birth control and educate her about STD.I can only suggest some serious therapy for you mom.Your poor kid..she had to grow up too fast and she missed out on alot of her childhood.That is also on you.But with the right help if you choose to get it can help turn things around but it can also help navigate the mess you made.Do not run away you will mess her up alot more.Poor kid.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2018):

Actually we did meet them together they came up to us to give my daughter a flyer for their upcoming gig. I allowed them to exchange numbers. For me I did enjoy meeting them and having conversation and I wanted to go with my daughter when she went to their houses. One of them has a recording studio which my daughter really loves to go to. I don't have many friends myself. I guess I have shot myself in the foot as I didn't let her socialise when she was at school so she learned to only socialise with adults. Now I'm very worried she won't spend any time with me. I don't work and haven't since she was 3 because i wanted to be a stay at home mum. I'm not sure what I will do without her. I have been considering moving back to Scotland where I'm from and just leaving her the way she has to me.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2018):

Send her to a school in a convent.She needs disapline she does not get from you.Stop being her friend and be her mother.No phone..she wants a phone she can get a job.No new clothes she can get a job.You have made life way to easy for her and she has no idea how hard it can really be.Time to parent.I do not know how your country is but here in the us you could have thease guys arrested.There is only one reason thease men are interested in your daughter and you know it.Put a stop to it.Be a mom.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (16 May 2018):

Sorry for typo:

""The group she's with has their claws dung-in deep, if she won't listen to you."

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (16 May 2018):

[EDIT]:

"She wants to be grown-up and independent; and as for the guy, that's all about sex."

"They group she's with has their claws dung-in deep, if she won't listen to you."

I rescind this comment:

"I speculate she's used to going where she pleases, and hanging with whomever she wants."

I don't believe that is the case.

Post script:

I just don't see teenagers dragging their moms to their friend's homes. That's not only weird, it's hard to believe.

I speculate you wanted to stay friends; so you gave her a longer leash. She betrayed that trust; and was hanging-out with an older-crowd; and may have lied about her whereabouts. She's always annoyed? So what? That's typical teenage-behavior. You reel-in the leash, and set even more rules and make her account for her whereabouts. set curfews and take away her phone.

She pulled the wool over you eyes inviting you to her friend's houses; to make you think you knew her friends.

Teenagers are clever and pretty crafty.

She was doing something totally different when you weren't watching. When and where did she meet the older bunch?

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (16 May 2018):

If you insist a teenage girl not see a guy, it becomes her mission to disobey; and it forces her right into his arms.

You don't mention her father's opinion on what she's doing; so I guess you're a single-mother.

Older-guys may fill-in that need for an older-man in her life. What we in America refer to as "daddy-issues." You waited too long to intervene on her seeing the 20 year-old; you gave them a chance to bond. The older-group has now made an impression on her. She wants to be grown-up, independent, and as for the guy, that's all about sex. He's gotten under her skin; and you'd have to skin her alive to get him out.

You haven't taken a strong enough hand with her. Up to now, you've tried reasoning with her; which gives her the impression she has bargaining and negotiating authority.

She has no authority at all. It takes good-judgement and experience to have authority and independence. She can't take care of herself. Now you want to dominate over her decisions; and tell her she can't see her friends, when she's been running with an older-crowd all along. Telling her, who know's what? Using her to do, who knows what?

She wouldn't know these people unless there was some over-permissiveness and limited-monitoring of her whereabouts.

I speculate she's used to going where she pleases, and hanging with whomever she wants. Apparently, she doesn't mind undermining and defying your authority. You've got a mess on your hands. A strong-headed young-girl walking around waiting to get herself knocked-up, on drugs, or infected with an STD. Young musicians are not the ideal crowd to let your teen-daughter runaround with.

If she has a responsible father who doesn't live with you; maybe it is time she lived with him for awhile.

Sometimes dad's handle male-dogs sniffing around their young daughters a little better than their mothers. It takes intimidation and threats. If her dad's a bum or a wuss; you're on your own.

Worse case scenario. She will have to learn life the hard-way; because she isn't going to listen to you. As for her being resentful about anything, that's neither here nor there. She doesn't get to act on her resentment; when she's running head-on towards a brick wall, and she's a dumb kid who doesn't know any better. Yet will not listen to reason.

She should be in uni, and she should be hanging with kids her own age. If there is family-dysfunction, and an absentee father; the older-crowd she's running with, has adopted her and convinced her she has found a new family.

If you both live with her dad; he should be working side-by-side to protect his daughter. If he's an absentee-dad; but he hasn't stepped-up to the plate to help with his daughter? I'd say it is time he helped, and maybe she should be sent to live with him.

If she runs-away under this ultimatum; she had that planned out no matter what. They group she's with has their claws dung-in deep, if she won't listen to you.

Let her know how hard it is to keep a roof over your head, buy food, hold down a job, go to school, and pay the bills. She's taking a lot for granted; because you've tried more being her friend than her mother. Without boundaries and discipline; kids become their own parents.

You may have to let her go, and let her hit rock-bottom. If you can't convince her to stop seeing the group, or if she rebels in spite of your efforts. This is when you need another adult with a different sort of influence on her. If she has been a "latch-key kid;" while you worked your ass off day after day, she has literally raised herself anyway.

That other adult should be her dad. If you live apart, your pride isn't going to let you consider going to her dad. If the alternative is seeing her a teenage-mom, or a druggie; I think you should cast your pride aside. It's weird a group that old wants to hang with a kid. It's not just about music, I assure you.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (15 May 2018):

Honeypie agony auntOP, she has to grow up sometime and holding her back and treating her like a kid is not going to help her at all.

She isn't your PET she is your daughter. I ABSOLUTELY get that you want to keep her safe, but what you do is raise a sheltered kid who WILL rebel against you.

And no, just no... she should have to take her mom with her when seeing friends - IT IS weird.

To me it seems like you tried to raise her as your COMPANION so YOU wouldn't be lonely and less like a child you enjoy seeing grow and mature into her own person.

Yes, it's hard when they hit that age where they WANT to be with people THEIR own age, not their moms.

Where did she MEET these people in their late 20's? I find it odd that a girl who is THIS limited finds these people at all! And no, I would NOT have let them come over and hang out with her, she might NEED friends but not people in their LATE 20's. Come on. They are in an entirely different stage in life. And now one of them is sniffing at your daughter so you ban then from her life. It's just... weird, OP. I can see why she is annoyed with you. But here is the thing, OP... YOU are the adult here so, your house, your rules.

Of course a 16 year old think it's COOL to have her own place! Because it's still "fantasy" she isn't thinking about the bills, having to work, the cooking, the cleaning and everything else that goes with living on your own.

If she likes to play guitar, does she take lessons? And why can't she have friends her own age?

Do YOU have any friends YOUR age? Do you ever socialize? Or do you totally RELY on your daughter to be your friend, daughter and companion?

I think setting limits and boundaries are good for kids (and she still is a kid) but you can't go change the rules on her constantly because YOUR NEEDS aren't being fulfilled.

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