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Mum kept hitting me with a shoe

Tagged as: Family<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (13 November 2017) 9 Answers - (Newest, 15 November 2017)
A female United Kingdom age 13-15, anonymous writes:

I can't talk to my mum and I think she's being abusive. So this is the thing right. My mum just loses it all the time. It's like there's a war going on in my house. It always happens when I come home from school. We just yell at each other. She always starts on me when I get home. I don't get time for me, she just wants me to to do stuff when I get home. Help with dinner or clean my room, help with my little brother - stuff like that. I can't stand it, I'm going to suffocate.

She yells at me, I answer back, she yells some more and then I always get sent to my room. I can cope with it but yesterday I came home and there she was going on and on again. I screamed at her (which I regret now) and got sent upstairs. Same old, same old. Only this time, I went straight to have a shower instead of going to my room. I was getting in and she rushed in without even knocking, shouting and all that. She picked one of the plastic shower shoes and smacked my ass with it, really hard. I've never been smacked before, not once. She kept smacking me until I said sorry. Wow, the shoe stung so bad and I could hear my younger brother laughing, soooo embarrassing. Now I have welts on my bottom and I can't sit without it hurting. I'm really worried it's going to happen again. I told my best friend. First she said I'm being dramatic but also she says my mum is being abusive. I don't know, I've never been physically punished before, that I can remember. But I really do need a way to talk to my mum without us getting in each other's faces. And I definitely do not want feel that shoe again.

Any help. Thanks

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (15 November 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntIt seems that you both know what buttons to push with each other. Now what your mother done was wrong, but it sounds like you pushed her to her limits. Have you spoke to her since? You need to learn to respect your mother and help with the chores and your little brother, remember that it is your mum that has a roof over your head and food in your belly and be thankful.

You are at an age now where you will soon be an adult and the world won't hand everything on a plate to you, so doing chores in your own home will be nothing once you leave school get a job and have to do everything yourself.

Talk to your mother tell her that she hurt you, tell her you will try harder around the house, and remember to have respect for her. I bet once you make these changes life will be so much easier.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2017):

Was laughing as I read your question but now I can advise:

First off, I think you are being a little dramatic here. You’ve been disciplined by your mum (albeit in an old fashioned way) but for a reason. You’re not helping her round the house and you’re being cheeky by answering back. She told you to go straight to your room. You disobeyed and went to the shower instead. I’m not saying your mum approached it in the best way but it’s hardly surprising she was angry. Sounds like it’s been building for weeks and maybe your mum thought the only way to get your attention was to get physical with you. You were behaving like a child, so she treated you like one. Well, it worked. My guess is you feel a little shocked and embarrassed, more than anything else.

 

When I was about 14, I got the hiding of my life during a family dinner. My crime? Same as you it sounds like - answering my mum back for the umpteenth time. My Dad simply had had enough. He calmly had me get down from the table and whilst everybody else carried on eating, walloped my bottom as hard as he physically could with his slipper. I was balling like a baby by the time he’d finished with me. I tried to sit back at the table afterwards which was embarrassing enough but couldn’t because my bottom was so intensely hot. Instead, I went upstairs and I had to lay on my front for a few hours. It was almost a week before I could sit down comfortably again. Guess what?!, I didn’t answer anyone back very often from that day forth.

 

So come on, a sore bottom for a few days isn’t really a big deal. A lot of us have been there at one time or another. Don’t get it confused with abuse. If you do, you might get some attention from the authorities that you really don’t want and my guess is that will feel worse (emotionally) than any hiding from your mum.

Oh and put an ice pack on your behind, at night, it’ll help bring the welts down.

Best of luck xx

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A female reader, femmenoir Australia + , writes (15 November 2017):

femmenoir agony auntI should also add, you should prepare a roster, either on a blackboard or a written roster for all required daily chores, then place it on the wall, where you walk past daily, so you can see it and not forget to check it.

You may only have to do 1 or 2 chores daily, rather than do every single chore daily, which i think is a little unrealistic, especially because you've got homework to contend with.

A visual roster is important, so if you've not yet done it, or your Mother hasn't prepared one, why don't you ask your Mother what you're expected to do each day, then you can write it up yourself.

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A female reader, femmenoir Australia + , writes (15 November 2017):

femmenoir agony auntWhilst i believe that you must always show respect toward your parents and you must always do ask you're asked by your parents, i do not think that your Mother should be hitting you with a plastic shoe.

In many countries, this is called, child abuse and it is a very serious offence.

In the old days, long before you were born, it was the norm to smack your children and to get physical with them.

When my Dad was at school, the children would get the leather strap or belt on either their hand or bottom, if they misbehaved and sometimes even if they weren't to blame.

I used to get a good hiding from my Dad when i was growing up and he'd use a long wooden stick, or a leather belt and smack me on my behind and one time, it was so bad, i couldn't even sit on my school chair properly.

It was acceptable in those days, but these days, it's not as widely accepted nor acceptable.

You know what though?

I used to "hate" my parents at times, for being so strict, YET, today, i am who i am, because of that early discipline and my brother and i have turned out very well, for the most part.

If you feel that your Mother is being abusive toward you, then by all means report her, however, from reading your post, i think that your Mother is frustrated because you aren't doing your chores daily and because you answer back and she won't take that.

Has your Mother always had a short temper and has she always yelled, since you were very young?

If so, it's going to be very hard for her to change into a more patient, encouraging and gentle Mother.

She may have a lot on her plate and she may be severely stressed, which is what this sounds like, but this doesn't justify her hitting you.

All things start small, then grow bigger and eventually things can really get out of hand and spiral out of control, so it's always better to gain control early on and i think that your Mother MAY make a future habit out of hitting you, just because she feels she can.

If parents want to raise stable, mature and responsible children, then they too, must display the positive role model.

Parenting is a very hard job, but it's not impossibly hard and since the beginning of mankind, parents have always managed to raise children who turned out to be amazing adults.

For the most part, it's a natural instinct, just as animals raise their young.

Having said all this, you STILL need to show more respect toward your Mother and start doing your daily chores and do it without even being asked to do it.

That should really impress your Mother and hopefully she'll not feel the need to yell at you or hit you.

Make your chores a daily routine, a habit and a habit that will serve you very well throughout your life, so that you learn how to be tidy and independant.

Do not yell or answer back to your Mother when she's speaking and making requests, but do as you're asked first, then you can ask if you can go do your homework and have a bit of time to yourself.

You can even OFFER to help your Mother when you can see that she's in the middle of something.

When she's preparing dinner, why don't you step in and ask her if you can help out and learn at the same time.

Your Mother also has her due parental responsibility, to show her daughter respect and to perhaps talk to you, rather than hit you.

It's a sad fact and such a shame, but many a child has grown up and can only recall the awful and bad times at home, rather than carry positive and pleasant memories.

Parents can create those happier and more pleasant memories for their children, but it must start now.

Do remember though, your parents won't always be happy and positive, because they're dealing with a lot too, even as adults and sometimes you deserve to be yelled at or punished, but it doesn't have to be a daily thing and it shouldn't be the norm.

This is the difference.

Have a respectful chat with you Mother about this.

I can almost guarantee that you'll both get on much better if there's less noise and aggression displayed within your family home and if she allows you to get involved and help her out as much as you can.

Good luck!

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (14 November 2017):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntYou mother was definitely wrong to do that. However, you aren't helping your case. Chores are a shared responsibility. We often need to get them out of the way, like homework, before doing our own things.

Learn to hold your tongue - it's useful throughout life to know when to pick your battles and when to let it go.

Take pictures of the marks if they are still there hours after she's done it. If she does it again, take pictures of those too. Document what lead up to it - the EXACT argument, BOTH sides, not just what she said/did. If you don't record it accurately, adults will know it's only one side of the story and not believe you.

This type of situation is why chore charts or schedules are important, so you do one or two chores, then get an hour to do your own thing, then do another chore/homework. It's possible a proper routine will improve the communication between you and your mum, as it will have been established and you will follow it.

It's incredibly hard not to argue back, especially when we feel we aren't being listened to, but you're getting older and need to learn how to navigate unreasonable people and reasonable responsibilities.

Spend a couple of weeks doing absolutely everything your mother asks WITHOUT arguing back. Then, ask her to sit with you and create a schedule to make it easier for you to help her, but also to get time to yourself. Bear in mind that lots of parents don't get time to themselves and that's why their anger/frustration boils over as soon as someone talks back.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (14 November 2017):

You answer back? Stop answering back, and try being more cooperative and see what comes of it.

I believe young people when they claim abuse of any kind, but I'm cautious; because we only have your word and one-side of the story.

I see frustration coming from your mother; because you refuse to do chores and offer her help about the house. Your so-called "me-time" is usually the time your parents give you in reward and compensation for cooperation and obedience. Like on my job, I get designated time for lunch and a break for rest; based on a doing what I'm paid to do, while I'm on the job. I could be disciplined for mistakes, and my boss might even raise his/her voice at me! Sometimes I have to do the same to the people who work under me. It is very uncomfortable for me to do that. For them too!

Vacation and time-off is reward, and part of my compensation. It comes for being cooperative and doing things without always needing someone to dictate my every move. Knowing what I'm supposed to do anyway, and doing it because it is my responsibility. It's not a favor. I get good stuff for doing my job. They're called "perks!"

You see, parents and their children are not equals. You don't always get to offer a counter-argument when you are asked to do your chores and to help-out around the household.

Back-talk is disrespect. Like when you have a job. You have a boss. When the boss tells you to do something; and you refuse. You'll get fired. If you talk-back, that is considered "insubordination." They take-away your job, you lose all your privileges, and security will toss you on the street. They may not be very gentle about it. Depending how resistant you are. Just to give you an example. Even police can arrest you for talking-back! It's being uncooperative!

I am not justifying your mother laying hands on you. However; I'm sure she has a few stories she could share with us as well.

If she is leaving marks and bruises on you; I hope some conscientious-adult will notice and report her to child-protection authorities. She would deserve it.

Hitting is an act of violence, it is also a sign of anger that has gotten out of control. Sometimes due to frustration and a feeling of helplessness; when it comes to parenting. It means you're too upset, because you've loss control of the situation. If you are a good parent, that shouldn't happen. People will criticize you for it. Authorities will remove your children from your home for it.

You've decided you don't have to do as you're told and you're rebelling. Placing your position in the house equal to hers. Do you pay bills, care for two children, work a job, have to keep a roof over everyone's head, clean a whole house, wake-up in the middle of the night to tend to fevers, prepare daily meals, have to show-up to talk to teachers who also have trouble with your behavior, have to answer to a husband, and deal with a kid who has no idea how hard it is to be a woman and a mother?

No.

I'm not going to dance around this. If you think your mother is abusive, report her to a school counselor. I do suggest that you be honest and truthful. That you explain in great detail how she abuses you, and what your father does about it all to protect you. Does she also beat your brother and is she a very mean and scary woman? Do you fear for your safety, and for the safety of your brother? I do recommend that you refrain from exaggerations; but tell the truth, and nothing but the truth. Child-abuse is a crime! Both physical and verbal-abuse. That does not include scolding and disciplining a disrespectful and rude child!

If all this is true, you must tell someone to protect you and your brother.

If all this is because you can't just do your chores without a fight. Then don't come to this site claiming child-abuse; if that isn't the case. That is very serious, and both you and your brother can(and should) be removed from your home and placed somewhere safe.

I just can't promise you that you won't be placed somewhere where you won't be asked to do chores; and will get to do whatever you want to do, when you want to do it. I'm an adult, and I don't!

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A male reader, Fatherly Advice United States + , writes (14 November 2017):

Fatherly Advice agony auntYou and your Mum are having a trouble common to adults who live together. Every adult, and almost adult thinks they should be able to make their own decisions about how and when the housework will be done. But in order to live together we have to make compromises. Instead of arguing, refusing, or yelling you need to offer a compromise.

This is what that looks like.

Mum: I need you to Help your brother with his home work, and pick up the laundry in your room and help me with dinner.

You: I need to send 3 messages to my friends first, then I can help Brother with his math and help you with Dinner, I have some other things I need to do , but I promise that my laundry will be picked up before I go to bed.

This is new to you, you have never been this old before, and you have never had these feelings before. But this is also new to your Mum. You are her first teenager, give her a break, she is going to make some mistakes.

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A male reader, BrownWolf Canada + , writes (14 November 2017):

BrownWolf agony auntDo you plan to have a boyfriend some day? Maybe get married, have a house of your own? Maybe your husband wants to have a family of his own.

How on this planet do you think you can handle any of that of you cannot deal with it now???

How are you going to keep your own home clean, if you cannot clean your room now? How are you going to look after a family, if looking after your little brother is problem?

Do you plan to live on microwave food for the rest of your life? How amazing it would be for you to cook an awesome meal to impress your boyfriend's family when you get one.

Your mother is getting you ready for life. You are young and do see any of it now. But wait and see.

Stop arguing with your mother, and do what you are told. So that when you get older, you be useful to yourself and others, and not useless.

I cook, clean, sew, iron, do laundry, buy groceries...why? My grandmother beat it into me...why??? So I will never have to depend on anyone doing those things for me.

When you have to depend on others, it is easier for them to take advantage of you.

Think about all that your mother has done for you. Can you ever pay her back? It is your job to help look after your family.

You are lucky your mother used a shoe. My grandmother would beat you with car if she could pick it up.

Then she would beat you again...Just in case. If you think you mom is hard on you...move to another part of the world. Like the Caribbean, and yell at one of those mothers....GOD help you.

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A male reader, Denizen United Kingdom + , writes (14 November 2017):

Denizen agony auntI think you need to visit the GP with your injuries. This state of affairs cannot continue. It is my understanding that she has committed an assault on you and could be prosecuted were it brought to the attention of the authorities.

The doctor should not report it, but will make a record. If it were to happen again then there would be a provable history.

More to the point is what is setting you two against each other? Are you partly to blame? Does your mother have problems that you either don't understand or aren't helping with?

What you do know is that screaming at each other doesn't help.

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