A
male
age
51-59,
*agman
writes:This may seem a bit of an odd request for help here but I need some opinions other than mine on a situation. I have become very close to a girl at work and we have become, I think, good friends but I am concerned that I am being used by her.We work well together, although most of that is me helping her. In fact, I don’t think she has ever helped me. We also text a lot most evenings and weekends. I’m talking hundreds of texts here that start the moment we leave work. She asks me a lot of questions about me, my life, my attitudes and I always answer. I ask questions back but she simply ignores most of them. She can be very sarcastic, as can I and we have had misunderstandings based on that but when we do she is always very quick to want to fix the problem.I should explain here that we are both married, happily so, and this isn’t about having an affair or running away together, it’s about understanding the nature of our relationship and, at least in part, my making an utter idiot of myself. She won’t text me when she is with her husband and yet she tells me he knows all about me. She has talkd of feeling something for me that is more than friendship and then simply denied saying that later. If ask about these changes she simply shuts me out and won't talk to me. We talk about a lot of very personal things by text and have (once) had text sex together. She told me afterwards that she was just testing my motivations in wanting to get to know her but also told me that her husband didn’t know about those texts. She frequently texts me and asks me to describe sexual fantasies and doesn’t object when I make up stories about she and I.I’m just not sure where this is going. I believe (and she has confirmed) that she is very wary about letting people get close to her and she has begun to let me in but she also goes through phases where she just shuts down on me. She tells me that her feelings for me ‘ebb and flow’ and she can’t explain why. I get the feeling she is puzzled by what she feels for me.I care about her immensely and I have broken some of the fundamental rules of my marriage. My wife doesn’t know about any of this. This girl and I have never touched, never kissed, never done anything untoward but mentally and emotionally I think I have crossed some lines. When I ask her she always denies having done this (as in the text sex just being a test).Recently she has become ever more distant but when I stop texting she starts to text me back as if nothing has happened.Any thoughts to give me a steer on this. I’m not seeking an affair, I do feel very close to her and even believe I love her. I am simply trying to understand why she persists in stepping in close, stepping away and then shutting me out followed by wanting me to talk about sex with her.One very confused guy!
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (5 August 2012):
 What you described is far more than a "friendship"... and, quite frankly, is how affairs start.... IF you're prepared to scuttle your marriage (and her's!) then continue what you're doing. All the "legitimate" questions that you posed here are, clearly, so much fluff.
YOU seem to want us "Aunts (and Uncles)" to validate what you're doing.... and you probably aren't going to get that.
I hope you awaken to what you (and she) are REALLY doing, before you establish so much momentum that neither of you is willing to slow down and stop, before you screw up your marriages...
Good luck....
A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (5 August 2012):
 I agree with the others. I had an emotional affair with a good friend of mine. He was married, I was not. We both crossed lines that we shouldn't have. I can't say that it was dangerous and I can't say it was exciting. What I can say is that it felt good to have someone to talk to, someone who understood, and someone who was always happy to see me. That is, until he decided he made a mistake and then it was over.
She is stepping in close because it feels good. She is stepping away because she comes to her senses and realizes what you're doing is really an emotional affair. She likely senses, which should you, that these things never end well. You have emotionally invested yourself in another woman, and you are already feeling the hurt because she pulls away from you. You also need to think about what you expect from this relationship. Do you expect both of you to divorce to be with one another? I doubt that is a possibility. Where will this relationship end? With one of your spouses finding the texts or someone at your job observing something they shouldn't?
If you were really happy in your marriage, you would be focusing on your wife, not some other woman. You would not have invited her texts because you would be busy sending sexy texts to your wife.
I honestly do not think someone who is "testing" you, is someone you should trust anyway. You could very well lose your job if anyone catches wind of this.
I would be very careful in making sure that all future communications with this woman are professional, if there is a professional reason to text at all. If there isn't, I would back away. You are already feeling the hurt and confusion these situations create. Do yourself a favor and keep your distance from this woman. Any further communication will just cause you more pain and turmoil.
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A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (5 August 2012):
You are having an emotional affair. You have both crossed lines and have deceived your spouses. How will your wife or the work girl's husband feel if they knew what you were both up to?
Please stop pursuing the girl from work. Your confusion stems from her blowing hot and cold while you are pursuing a full-blown emotional affair with her. You are dedicated to this emotional affair and are confused because she isn't.
Please determine what you need from a relationship that your wife isn't providing you. You need to focus on your marriage instead of the work girl if you want to continue to be married to your wife.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (5 August 2012):
 you are having an emotional affair with this woman.
you say you are happily married but then why are you spending so much time on this "affair"? and why do you care so much about analyzing this "affair"?
she stops texting you probably because for her (and probably for you) this "affair" is a distraction from the reality of a hoo hum marriage that has gotten too comfortable.
you want danger, both of you. you are playing with fire, both of you. keep it up and you will lose your marriage, both of you. want more danger? keep it up you will lose your job, both of you.
confused? ask yourself what is lacking in your marriage. why do you "need" this "affair"?
my suggestion to you is to stop this very dangerous "affair" with a co-worker. Both of YOU!!!
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