A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone. I would like to detail about a predicament that has risen within the past few weeks involving a close friend of mine and a potential relationship occurring with her and would really appreciate any insight regarding this.Let me give a little backstory. I met this girl late in high school that pretty much has become one of my best friends. We did date at one point but the relationship discontinued after a short time for reasons I won't explain. We both went to college in different states, but we still maintained a close affiliation between each other and have been eager to spend time together in person whenever a chance arises. The affection we've managed towards each other has remained steady over the years. I've discussed a number of personal things with her that I haven't with practically anyone else and vice versa.Here's to the point: There has been a lingering romantic interest between us that has stemmed from awhile ago. However, she's been dating someone for a few years now. To tie that together, she revealed to me months ago that she is polyamorous and tells me having true relationships with 2 different people (instead of just one) fulfills her inner desires. She has told me she would really like to ignite a relationship with me again (me being the 1st man she's ever dated to consider dating twice) and to try things again in a better light.Now to the problem: I have a very strong affiliation with being monogamous. While I would love to pursue being in a relationship with her again, I have been quite skeptical as to how this would all work. I have a prominent fear that I would end up being in an unfavorable position, that intimacy and other factors would not balance evenly, considering how long she's been with this guy, even though she insists she will love us on equal terms. I feel like there's new levels to go through with being in a polyamorous relationship that is too difficult for me to handle. Plus, I honestly don't care at all about this guy she's been dating, for obvious reasons.I ask you of dearcupid, how should I go about this? Has anyone read about or experienced various polyamorous relationships, especially with ones concerning a monogamous partner entering one?To make things more convoluted, she and I still live hundreds of miles away from each other and I've never found myself as one who can be satisfied with being in a long-distance relationship, let alone a polyamorous one, largely because of my strong desire for physical affection. Right now, I'm really unsure about pursuing with this but at the same time, I don't want to disappoint her and I would love to be with her again that way so we can share a great bond on a deeper level. Thanks for reading and please share any thoughts or statements about this situation.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2015): You'd still need his word actually because it sounds like she's bullsh*tting you, so you'd need to at least facebook him to see if he was ok with it.
A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (7 July 2015):
 This isn't convoluted or complicated at all.
In order for you to be happy in a partnership you need monogamy/exclusivity and someone local you can see any time. Sounds reasonable to me. Most people want the same.
You've got two deal breakers here. You might not call them that now because you're willing to consider overlooking them, but they are deal breakers because you won't be happy under those conditions. And if you're not happy, I doubt your woman friend is going to enjoy it much.
High cost for minimal, short term benefits.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (7 July 2015):
 Don't, just don't.
She SAYS she is in a poly relationship, YET if it was a true poly you would BE introduced and AGREED upon by her other mate.
SHE wants to have you on the side. Basically CHEAT on her BF. She is bored in her current relationship and want's some entertainment - cue you...
You live FAR away from her, thus it's "safe" her her to have her thing with you, without the BF finding out, at least not for a while.
And I agree with Aiden - you are SO caught up in a FANTASY that you don't seem able to think straight.
IF you do this, you will get used, you will get hurt - She'd dump you over him ANY day and time.
Find a girl who isn't GEOGRAPHICALLY far away, who is single and who want to be in a monogamous faithful relationship WITH you.
Don't be a doofus.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2015): OP here. Apologies, but I forgot to mention that the other guy is already aware of her being polyamorous, and that my friend has told me he understands her desire to not just be with one person (but this took some time for him to initially accept).
I really don't want to come across as being selfish. What I've said about not caring is mainly some spite because of how he can/has always remained close to her and such, while I cannot.
I wouldn't exactly "need his word" or consent on this relationship, if it were to commence between my friend and me. Since she is the initiator on this matter, it wouldn't really fall under that line, so to speak. Sorry if I wasn't clear on anything.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (7 July 2015):
My statement is brief: don’t bother. I’m sorry but when you say that the reasons are obvious as to why you don’t care for her current boyfriend, I’m afraid they’re not. You don’t care how he feels because he’s with some-one who isn’t yours anyway? Are you so absorbed in this fantasy that it doesn’t matter to you whether he’s comfortable with this, or going to get hurt by this? This is a joke! You are strongly inclined towards monogamous relationships, about which you feel strongly. You can’t do long-distance. These are simply two fundamental incompatibilities. Why do you think you’ll suddenly be able to handle these things now? The best thing to do is let this go. You are different, you want different things. It isn’t good for you to be so close to this person as you’re putting your hopes in to something that, to the outsider reading this, is so clearly doomed to fail.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2015): Hahahha sorry this made me chuckle, son what she means is she wants to chat on her boyfriend with you on a long trrm basis-ie he definitely doesnt know about her desires to be polyamorous and even if he dis you can only take HIS word not hers that he is fine with it. Avoid this situation or get hurt and him used
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