A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have a situation which is as old as the hills, but here it is;I'm a self-employed person.Up til recently business has been good, but for now and the forseeable future my earnings are taking a huge drop.I have a small amount of savings which are for emergencies.I've been in a relationship for 7 years with a lovely girl.I must make clear that she's not a gold digger in ANY way shape or form.She's not demanding in the least. However, she works 4 days a week for low wages, and of course she wants to go out on occasion.Up til now that hasn't been a problem.I've been able to pay for lots of clothes, nice holidays and going out to dinners.But for now that has to slow down a lot, and maybe even stop, unless my business gets back on its feet.For example I agreed to pay for a cheap weekend break in Budapest for her birthday next month. And now she's booked a very expensive restaurant in London for her birthday, which I've told her I can't really afford. She's upset I've said she'll have to go to the restaurant with her (grownup) kids,without me.Am I being mean or sensible? She says I can afford to pay for her as I have the money.My argument is I literally do have the money, but that money is reserved for the future-I don't want to dip into my capital. Should I make an exception for her birthday dinner?This whole situation looks to be ongoing. We love each other, but I've said maybe if she feels short changed we should split so she has the chance to meet someone who can afford to give her what she deserves (and she does deserve nice things).They says that once money flies out the window loves flies out soon after...What do you think?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2016): You say she isn't a gold digger but all you've said suggests otherwise. An adult woman should really understand that blowing savings on birthdays is ridiculous. I know you have money as a back up but that is for emergencies not expensive outings and meals.When my partner and I have hardly any money to spend on birthdays or Christmases we buy each other novelty gifts that are way better than expensive things that anybody with money can buy.She IS a gold digger and doesn't appreciate what it's like to save money when business isn't going so well. This may sound harsh but if she's in a low paid job has she ever thought about courses or trying to change that situation where she can get a better job so she can treat herself when she feels like it. Or even treating you for a change?If she wasn't a gold digger she wouldn't make you feel bad about this.
A
male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (9 January 2016):
Shes using you for your resources. I blame you because you created the monster. She will likely not stay long unless you continue to funnel the same level of resources to her.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (9 January 2016):
 She shouldn't have booked an expensive restaurant without asking you before hand IF she was expecting you to pay. No matter if you have been together for 3 months of 7 years.
So no, I don't think you should dip into your savings.
YOU need to sit her down and explain that the business isn't doing so good and that you have decided to retrench and do over your budget cutting out things you can't REALLY afford.
Now you say she isn't a gold-digger... but I agree with Cindy SHE acts like one. Utterly selfish and materialistic. The whole feeling entitled to spending money YOU have earned, is not the trait of a loving partner.
WE ALL deserve nice things, EVERY SINGLE one of us, doesn't mean we will all get them, own them etc. And life is NOT just about HAVING/OWNING things, relationships should be about that either.
If she leaves you over this, then really... money is more important to her than YOUR love and company.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2016): For a fully grown adult she sounds spoilt. Whether she is a gold digger or not will emerge if she supports you during this time, or just berates you for not paying for this and that for her...well she shows her true colours.
Going away for her birthday is an incredibly generous thing, then booking an expensive restaurant when you have already told her you need to save your money is selfish and entitled. She can go alone, she booked it knowing your situation so shouldn't be so demanding.
I always think that any relationship can be great when there's no money worries or other external stresses. You find out someone's real character only when times get tough or your chips are down.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 January 2016):
 Errata corrige : SEVEN years of nice clothes. Not just 4.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (9 January 2016):
I think that in your case that may be exactly true...,,
Sorry, maybe I have a bit a rigid , calvinist mentality about this kind of things, but , even if we don't want to label her as a gold-digger, she surely acts entitled, and you surely enable her.
4 years you are paying for " lots of clothes " ? Why ? She is a grown-ass woman, witha job, she can put clothes on her back. She does not NEED lots of clothes, she can either learn to match her fashion sense to her income, or pursue a better income and get all the nice extra she wants. Ditto for vacations etc.
Mind you, I am not some hardcore feminist, and I AM capable to accepts gifts graciously , even expensive gifts (... at least I was until there were men around willing to gift me costly stuff, lol ) . And I do appreciate generosity and cultivate it in myself.
But one thing is accepting gifts for special occasions ( birthdays anniversaries Xmas or whatnot ), another one counting on your partner to bring you or keep you at a level of " conspicuous consumption " that you can't afford on your own.
Granted , we may also say that ONE expensive birthday meal won't ruin you , and hopefully won't make such a big dent in your savings. So, taking this meal per se, as an isolated episode, technically she would have a point, one meal can't make such a difference in your financial future... But, what I am curious to know, is, : has she understood, realized, digested and approved that the problem is not the one birthday meal, but the necessity , or at least advisability, for you to cut down remarkably on extras and leisures activities, and a general makeover of your spending habits ?
Or ,does she feel you should cut down on anything and everything BUT her ?...
Sit her down, and explain her nicely but firmly that alas , due to changing circumstances, some habits will have to change too; and see what she says.
And in case the money restrictions are something that she does not feel are Worth bearing in Exchange for your love and companionship- if this brings to a split, remember that, if she "deserves " someone willing to buy her lots of nice things, you too deserve . you deserve a partner that can be bothered more about YOUR mental, emotional and finanacial wellbeing than about the acquisition of nice gadgets for herself .
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