A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I was seeing a guy for a month that I’d met off a dating app. We would hook up almost every time we met. I invited him out for dinner, he’d message me all the time, we'd have intimate time always alone with cuddling and tender kissing. It was a sexual connection. I noticed that he never really slept over. He’s a very quiet, reserved introverted person; I’m extrovert and get my energy from others. After the one month stage, I noticed he was being a bit distant and non-committal, in previous times, he’d always makes time to meet me. I asked him first if everything was ok. He reassured me everything was great. I could sense something was up, so I asked him if he wanted to continue to meet in a sexual or romantic way, as I remembered he has once shared with me that he struggles with rejecting people because it made him feel bad for the other person, so I figured this might be a situation like that. I asked for directness and open communication.I’d previously told him stringing someone along or ghosting someone else is very selfish behavior, he acknowledged that but explained he still found it hard to be up front. He kept my message on read the whole night with no acknowledgment, this made me super anxious and uneasy. I followed up the next morning, he said he had been thinking it over and sorry he hadn't told me that he was taking his time with responding. He said didn’t know if he viewed me in a sexual, romantic or friendship way. I was very shocked as I had never thought of us as friends. It wasn't my definition of friendship behaviour. He said he has always got a casual vibe from me, and was taken by surprise. He saw it more as a friendship with benefits. I felt very hurt. Is this just a case of a misunderstanding? Or different definitions of friendship? Or did this guy take me for a slight ride? I started to realize as the conversation opened up, that actually he never really expressed how he felt, and I had been very open and transparent the entire time. He has a smiley, sunny demeanor, and I mistook that as he he was into me, I now realise, he just is very reserved and private, and this is the face he shows to the world (no judgment). This makes me think he didn’t really consider how I felt, and only focused on his own needs, that makes me feel angry and a little used. Could I have done anything sooner to know where I stood? How should I feel and deal with a situaiton like this?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2019): "He saw it more as a friendship with benefits."
What do you expect when you meet to hookup?
As a gay-man, I know that (generally) gay-men are non-committal; and quite casual about sex. Stereo-typically, gay-males are notoriously promiscuous. If you start-out as sex-buddies; that's what your connection becomes. You can't start-out being sex-partners, hoping to entice someone into a relationship. Why buy the dairy, when you get the milk for free?
His reservations and/or introverted-behavior had nothing to do with what kind of relationship you were forming. You misread everything, and you were being subtly manipulative. You know sex is good bait, when you want to get attention. What you haven't taught yourself, or learned yet; is that relationships may connect when two people are on the same page, and come right-out and tell each other what they're looking for. You can't rely on clues, hints, and signals. Use your words...communicate! That means talk, not just drop your zippers! The penis has its own agenda!
You were relying on signals and your intuition. You kept offering him your candy. Keep sex on-hold, and offer him samples and previews through making-out; until you establish what kind of chemistry and connection you've created. If you're needy and greedy, you'll jump-in with both feet; and this will always be the outcome. Gay-men are flighty and cunning creatures. You're old enough to know that!
You can be sexually-compatible without being emotionally in-sync.
To ignite real romantic-chemistry, you have to concentrate first on how you relate/connect to each other on an intellectual or psychological-level. See how things formulate through talking, spending time together, and getting acquainted in real-time. That means person-to-person and face-to-face. You went for immediate-gratification! There's no allure or mystery in that!
Sex on the first-date says only one thing about you. You're physically-attracted to him (giving him power over you), impulsively horny; but not looking for much of anything meaningful. If he finds you attractive, you're a lucky candidate to be listed in his contacts; and his first-choice in his little black book for bootie calls.
Let's be real boyfriend! That's always the case, if you've hooked-up with a guy you've just met in-person for the very first-time. Especially, when he knows it's guaranteed to happen every-time you meet. Well, it just so happens that the novelty wears-off; and he's going to be ready for the next fresh piece of meat. He's still open online, and the hits are still coming!
Let your prospects/dates know whether you're into casual-sex, or seeking something meaningful. The word "relationship" doesn't come-up; unless you've established a romantic-connection that has obvious signs of good-chemistry, mutual-attraction, and general compatibility without difficulty in communication.
Putting the cart (sex) before the horse (romantic-interest) usually confuses or trips the horse! Which could overturn the cart! You'll be the one ending-up on the ground wondering what just happened? The horse figures you ought to know the horse goes before the cart! He's just a horse!
A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (11 June 2019):
 I think when you immediately sleep together you’re setting yourself up to be classed as a fling/fwb. People want to work for a partner, someone they’re going to spend their life with and chose to be their exclusive mate in life they want to chase and have to uncover the mystery surrounding them. They don’t want to hop into bed with them the first time they meet, where’s the fun in That?
I don’t think you should be surprised here, dating sites are very commonly used for sexual encounters and this is what has happened here. Use this as a learning experience and remember not to sleep with someone the first time you meet, that usually shows they’re only after one thing! Get to know people before sex, it adds a deeper foundation and there’s much more potential of having a lasting relationship.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (11 June 2019):
 I don't think he USED you per se, I think he took this thing you two had rather casually and WHEN you asked straight out if he saw a future with you (as in having an actual relationship) he TOOK his time thinking it over and deciding that, maybe not.
He could have lied and strung you along.
You met on a dating app, but that doesn't mean HE was looking to ACTUALLY date someone. Plenty of people use dating apps for more casual hook ups.
No, he didn't consider how you felt.
My advice?
Next time you meet someone GO slower. You two hooked up (as you put it) from the get go, right? So it was ALL about the sex or MOSTLY about the sex. THAT stuff rarely happens as a great way to build an ACTUAL relationship.
If you want more, wish this guy good luck, block and move on.
And just GO slower next time and BE upfront that you are looking for an actual PARTNER not just a hook up buddy.
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