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Met her online, but now she's cited health reasons for discontinuing any further contact. What else could I have done? Is my hurt reasonable in the circumstances?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Health, Online dating, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (29 August 2015) 2 Answers - (Newest, 29 August 2015)
A male United Kingdom age 30-35, *hite_swan writes:

I posted a personal ad on a dating site.

A girl from London contacted me, said she was very interested in me and perhaps progressing things further; and even despite the fact she lived 500 miles away from, she regularly visited my city to see friends and family.

We chatted on the phone, seemed to hit it off. We texted and emailed everyday, and she said she was "enchanted with me" felt like "she was eating out the palm of my hand" and that she was very excited about meeting me.

Last Saturday she was hospitalised with complications associated with diabetes ketoacidosis, and as per the norm, we exchanged messages back and forth.

She said how grateful she was that I kept her spirits up, and kept her happy and safe amidst all the ugly drama with her health.

I didnt hear from her for a week, and then got a email from her:

"Hi,

I'm afraid I'm quite poorly at the moment.

Wanted to let you know that I'm ok(ish) but that I'd rather not continue with our play as my heart just isn't in it.

Many thanks for the fun exchanges thus far. I wish you all the best,"

I was a bit taken aback at

1) how formal it was, and

2) how abrupt. So I replied:

"I'm so sorry your still not fully recovered, and hope that you make a full recovery.

Can I just check, your desire to continue with the play, is this due to your health? Or is there something else that means your heart is not in it? Will this likely to change in the future, or do you feel that this is likely to be permanent?

I respect your decision either way and really do hope you get better soon."

Her response was:

"I was transferred to high dependency on Sunday and have been in a semi coma..... Absolutely insane! I'm back on the normal ward now and therefore communicable.

I'm afraid I just can't focus on anything but my health at the moment and when I'm like this (glad to say it's not too often) I just need to channel all my energy into recovery and my family as this always affects them badly.

I hope you understand and I really have enjoyed chatting to you recently.

Hope you find a healthy girl soon!"

I am a total loss. I respect the fact she has health problems. But what I am hurt by and angered with is the seemingly finality of it, that we've just to draw a line under things permanently.

I'd have gladly waited till she had fully recovered, I valued her friendship more than the play aspect to be candid, and I just feel a little used.

She's effectively made the choice for me, not allowing me an opportunity to actually even entertain the possibility of continuing, and it just seems so unfair for her to do this total about face in attitude and interest.

Also, its like, she's making the final decision for herself, by herself, without any consideration or input from me; which seems a total cop out to be honest.

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A male reader, TrancedRhythmEar Saudi Arabia +, writes (29 August 2015):

TrancedRhythmEar agony auntDont chase her. She needs space to deal with her health and a relationship is too much for her right now. She's being a little dramatic. Back off.

Reach out casually after 30 days if you haven't heard from her. Dont chase. It will show neediness and desperation.. things that women hate.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (29 August 2015):

Honeypie agony auntI don't think she made that choice lightly. And I do think she might have "underplayed" just how sick she got. I think she did this for YOU as well as for herself. So it wasn't a "selfish" choice either.

You don't deal with her medical issues on a daily basis, all you know is the little she chose to tell you. I'm guessing she actually down played it a lot to you. Because when you are in the infatuation/honeymoon stage of getting to know someone/date someone everything seems so good bright and shiny!

The fact that she went into a "semi" coma (even a short term one) would make me think her diabetes ketoacidosis is NOT under control. She might not be testing as often as she possibly should - or her body is working a bit against her.

She DOES need to focus on her health. She needs a good SAFE routine, she needs a good diet and she needs to STICK to it.

I'm sorry, I know it hurts that she ended it the way she did - I think she just felt it was too big of a burden for a new partner to take on (at least for now) and that she ACTUALLY might not have the time or energy to GIVE you the attention and affection, time etc as well as focus on her health. You have to AGREE that her health should be her #1 priority, right?

There is no cure for diabetes ketoacidosis. But there are ways to manage it. She is still learning those.

I'm sorry.

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