A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have met a guy a month ago of 37 who sounded good on paper (we met online). He seems like a decent person but is very introvert and has a close relationship with his sister and his mum but has lived alone for 10 years. We have been gradually getting to know each other. When we first met he said he had dated quite a few girls but nothing serious. I have recently found out he has only had one 6 week relationship in his life just before me and his going out with women consisted of him meeting women for one or two dates over the last two years of internet dating.I found this puzzling but he said he was just more interested in cars and bikes and doesnt drink or socialise. He has never been to a night club or away with a woman apart from his mum (who is quite a strong character and lives alone but holidayed with him every year). We have talked about lots of things and I asked him if he watched porn and asked if I could see his collection (with an open mind). I was so shocked he had SO many porn films. He said he had collected them over the last 20 years. I am not just talking a lot but loads and loads of the stuff. I have never seen such a HUGE collection. He said he uses is about 3 times a week and isnt it better than being promiscuous. He seems to have an obsession with older women and said he always wanted to meet someone to guide him.When we kissed I felt as if he had never kissed anyone before. It just feels really weird. As time has passed I have noticed other things like he gets drained by people and doesnt like spending too much time with anyone. He doesnt really like going out except for a walk out somewhere and avoids pubs, restaurants, cities etc. All these things are making me wonder if he has social phobias and a porn addiction. I dont mean this in a nasty way but is this a red flag? Im begining to feel more and more uncomfortable with the situation. I confided in a close friend and said 'dont go there'
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2012): This has BAD written all over it. Cut this guy loose.
He's 37 years old and this is who he is. He's not going to turn into another person because he met you. The damage to him has already been done. There is a reason why he hasn't been in prior relationships.
There are other men out there. Respect yourself and get out.
Him saying he uses porn "about three times a week" is like an alcoholic saying they have a "couple drinks" a night...get out now!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2012): Hi I am the OP
I agree I think it is more than a personality thing. The reason I have tried online dating is because I live in a small town and there are not that many available men my age. Also friends my age recommended me to try it as they have had success with it.
I thank you all for replying.
Yes we have things in common ie love of the outdoors and walking and I have a horse and dog he really likes too. We both have high standards and are family orientated so yes we do have some things in common. But overall I dont think its going to work because I feel I am streets ahead of him with life experience and he is just starting out with relationships and not at all flexible and very fixed in his views about people with money, education, the jobs of travel etc.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2012): i think your problem is desperation and you are scared that you wont ever meet anyone again. decent, healthy human beings do not have to put themselves online. they dont have to. why not wait or look elsewhere? this guy sounds odd.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (3 November 2012):
 I think it could VERY well be that you were attracted to him initially because he IS a lot like your Dad. Nothing abnormal about that honestly.
Like I asked in my first post, do you two SHARE anything in common? Goals, hobbies, likes, dislikes, hopes, dreams? Anything?
I think there could be several reasons you are getting these "gut feelings" - 1. he is far from the "norm" of the guy you have dated or 2. he is FAR from the guy you met online/ "on paper".
Are you still seeing him because you feel a little sorry for him? Or because you hope there will be aspects you might like about him?
This is hard. And sometimes first impressions are not accurate. Could turn out that he is a really amazing person or a total knob.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2012): To be frank with you, I too question the `quality of character` you are possibly going to come accross on dating sites. Is it a porn issue or a personality issue? Why dont you take yourself off and have a look in the real world. There is someone for everyone and I refuse to believe things are that bad that you are forced to register on dating sites.
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A
male
reader, somewhere_between +, writes (3 November 2012):
 Does it not occur to you that some people on-line are going to be life`s misfits? If you have no problem forming relationships or attracting people, then you would not have to be online. I know this will upset many but I am telling it how it really is. I am not on this site to win popularity prizes. Of course he will have a massive porn collection. It has been his substitute for many years. Either accept him or go back on-line and try and get a lesser oddball.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2012): Hi I am the OP
Thank you all so much for your time and throughful answers. I really appreciate it : )
I am so torn. He said that women he has met usually dont want to know as they are worried he has never been married or lived with anyone before.
We went out recently and he came back and said he 'saw 5 women wearing high heals tonight'. That kind of freaked me out. I asked him if he actually counted them???
His porn is all about stockings and high heels so nothing sinister. Its just the way he 'says things'
My father had Aspergers and was inappropriate and my mother found it very difficult being married to him especially as we were a big family and he couldnt tolerate the inconvenience of family life.
I am worried I am subconsciously seeking similar as I have done this before. I think I actually attract these types.
He doesnt like children and mine has grown up and left home but he also is very intolerant of people in general, thinks that people with degrees have an attitude (I have one) and that people dont need to live in big houses (he has a one bedroom modest flat).
I am so torn!!! Do I hang in there or get out? He seems genuine and I dont think he would ever cheat on me (my last 3 online boyfriends did) but I am worried about getting attached to someone like him. He met my friend and hardly said a word..... hmmmmm
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2012): Hi I have had a similar experience if you wasnt to talk in private message me. my username is Candycane1234
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2012): It depends what you are looking for, if it is a long term committed relationship, he doesn't sound like he may be capable of that. And if you like going out & being around other people, he isn't the one for you.
Don't ignore the red flags, it can save you from a lot of heartache.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (2 November 2012):
 I agree with Cerberus. Sounds like a social anxiety disorder situation, though I'm neither a psychiatrist, nor am I qualified to make an official diagnosis.
I'm guessing he's had very little actual sexual experience. It's a question of whether or not he could adapt to no longer collecting porn like a chronic bachelor. What KIND of porn is it? Is it simple male/female sex, or is there stuff like child sex, bestiality, rape, fetish or other things that might suggest that his urges demand that he keep a social distance to avoid being exposed?
Go with what you feel. If you have an uncomfortable feeling, do NOT dismiss or override it. There's a possibility that you might be picking up on something a bit more sinister about his lifestyle.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2012): I agree it sounds like Aspergers. I dated someone similar sounding, though with more friends and a bit more outgoing, and stuck it out for several months because he was 'good on paper'. It wasn't worth it. He didn't understand the most basics about relationships and of course it wasn't his fault, but it certainly didn't make me happy and it was impossible to feel close to him. He was a really nice guy but it just wasn't going anywhere unfortunately. Maybe it's best to finish it and find someone you're more comfortable with.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2012): I'm going to buck the trend and say give him a go!Some people are shy or introverted and it just takes a special someone to bring them out of their shell. If he treats you right and you enjoy spending time together, what's the problem?It's not easy to admit that you've never had a proper relationship at that age. I met my first partner at 34, I'd never been involved with anyone before. Other than that, I'm perfectly normal! She was my first for everything and I think it sometimes freaked her out. You just have to be prepared to show him what you want and what he needs to do.As for his porn, would you rather tha he slept with prostitutes or had 80+ sexual partners? If he's never been in a relationship, he's going to have used porn to arouse himself. It has a bit of a habit of building up over the years. From my experience though once I'd discovered how wonderful a relationship could be, porn lost any appeal for me.If his porn and lack of experience are your only issues, give things a few weeks and see how it goes.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2012): Yeah it very much sounds like a "don't go there" I have to say though OP it sounds to me like he may be Aspergers or high functioning autistic or something.
Porn isn't a problem really to be honest, people collect all sorts of things and this guy just collects porn. I mean people collect toy cars, stamps, nazi war memorabilia etc.
Plus any guy who uses porn has a massive collection it's just these days that collection is either in folders on his computer or merely in his history in his browser if he's not smart enough to use incognito mode and leave no trace.
"Im begining to feel more and more uncomfortable with the situation."
Well i think it's kind of clear what that means OP, that's the opposite of how dating works isn't it? it's supposed to be the other way around, unfortunately this guy may not be relationship material but then again, if you like him and he's good to you maybe a small bit more time to see if you're wrong about him may be in order.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2012): "As time has passed I have noticed other things like he gets drained by people and doesnt like spending too much time with anyone. He doesnt really like going out except for a walk out somewhere and avoids pubs, restaurants, cities etc. "This is typical for an introvert. Please, read up what it actually means to be an introvert. Too many bad rumors and myths run around about introverts.One of them is that Introverts have a social phobia. Which is completely unrelated to introverts.(http://introvertzone.com/introvert-extrovert-stereotypes)The biggest difference:Extroverts get energy by socializingIntroverts get energy by spending some time alone, or doing solitary stuff.Extroverts get drained by NOT socializing. Most extroverts can't stand being alone for X time.Introverts get drained by social interactions with large groups of people. (Lots of variables apply, like the size of the group, if he/she knows them etc...)Introverts generally connect on a deeper level with someone. As for his kissing, well if he has so little experience no wonder it feels weird.But what exactly makes you uncomfortable around him?
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (2 November 2012):
 I feel a bit sorry for him, but sure, he has got a bit of a problem. He can't socialise easily, and he has compensated for closeness with the porn. It really just depends on how you get on together, and if you actually like him. A lot of pointers would steer you away.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (2 November 2012):
All of it screams don't go there for me too.
Unless you wan to look forward with a anti social homebody with a oedipus complex and a huge porn collection. Honestly, WHO collects porn? I mean I can see having some porn, but actually collecting it? I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that he has a porn addiction, but a HUGE collection for me.. would be a no-go.
Do you two share things in common, in reality? Can you see this as a guy you can see yourself with long term?
Time to make a list girl, pro/con. See which outweigh the other.
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