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Men, would you cheat on your partner if you knew you wouldn't get caught?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Cheating, Pornography, Sex, Three is a crowd, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (18 March 2012) 12 Answers - (Newest, 3 April 2012)
A female United States age 41-50, anonymous writes:

This is a question for the men that have been married for quite some time or are in a long term relationship.

Are you truely happy/satisfied with your wife sexually?

I was reading an article the other day about "spicing" your relationship up. One guy admitted to liking when his wife surprised him by dressing up seductively, wore a brunette wig ( she's normally blond) and talked to him in a foreign accent while they had sex.

There were many other suggestions on the list. This one bothered me especially because it came across to me that he was entertained by the thought of it being another woman, as if it were someone different. I have heard of this before.

A couple of years ago, one of my married co-workers came on to me sexually... He seemed like he had it all??... a beautiful, sweet wife and two children together. They seemed happy together. He explained to me that he was bored at home. He wanted to touch, smell and "experience" the thrill of sex with someone new. He loved his wife dearly and would never leave her and the kids but... he was tired of the same old thing and wanted to have sex with me! (and probably others too) I was disguested... There was no excuse in my book for this kind of behavior.

Do all men feel this way? Or most? I see so much smut everywhere. It's even on satellite radio. My boyfriend has it and on every station, there is a man causually talking about f****** this woman or that woman like it's no big deal... I can't listen to it. Makes me sick. Can men really seperate their feelings?

Guys, if you could have a one night stand with another woman (and there was no way your wife or girlfriend would ever find out.) Could you live with yourself? Please give me some insight on this. Thanks.

View related questions: co-worker, one night stand

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2012):

It's an interesting question.

Both myself and my partner have 'cheated' on one another in some small, frivolous ways, and while we were both initially a bit shocked that the other was not a saint, we actually figured it all out pretty well. We realised complete monogamy is our ideal but like all ideals that humans attempt to live up to, they may fail. Remove the ideal and there is no longer any failure, only natural, normal behaviour that surfaces at certain times.

We realised that 99% of the time we are committed but 1% of the time some dangerous combination of desire, impulse, opportunity, and rebelliousness might come into play - and then one becomes a hedonist.

We are lucky. We don't have to try in order to love each other and be committed almost the whole time, but the key word is 'almost'. Neither of us requires 100% of the other, which would be pretty selfish really (why am i so special to keep this person on a leash their whole life? I certainly don't need this to know how delightful we find each other's company!). We are two but we are still one + one. Independent consciousness & experience is not per se a bad thing, even mild sexual encounter. So we allow each other to be a little human, a little lacking in self-control...

Caveat: We are almost certainly not going to have children. If we had children, this would be a different matter, as we would have to plan as a family unit then the most stable possible environment.

The result of this relaxed attitude is we never, ever get jealous, and if anything, we love each other more (some freedom is a great gift to give your partner, provided they use it respectfully). It's incredibly rare either of us acts on an extra-marital impulse, and there's usually a good reason when it does happen (some tension in the air that needs to be released)...other than that, we're very content most of the time!

So the answer is maybe would resist, maybe not, but would never become truly intimate, would never do something if the other person was not clear about it being 'no strings', and would confide very soon after in the partner.

Appreciate this doesn't work for all couples.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2012):

...but why are you posing this question men only? Do you think women subscribe to a different set of rules and values if the opportunity present itself? I am a single man in my forties and have been sleeping with two married women. This one woman is extremely attractive in a classy sense, and her family and friends would be rather bemused if they found out because she seems so....should we say, proper..?

People are sexual beings by nature, so,in other words, being sexual comes natural, but monogamy and adhering to your vows takes work and the ability to look at the big picture instead of giving in to desire, or that which comes natural. Based on my personal experience, married people cheat, and they cheat a lot. It doesn't take much effort or time.....you can do a lot in twenty minutes, so don't ignore your gut instinct about your partner.

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A male reader, JustHelpinAgain Canada +, writes (19 March 2012):

This is a very good question but I have no doubt it can be asked of both sexes, I think women also have extramarital relationships? The fundamental value to a relationship is trust and respect. These are atributes that cannot really be shared with multiple partners. However every relationship can eventually suffer from bordom and complacency and by having other quasi relationships we are able to re-affirm how good we have it. We all have favorites in all we do in life but often need to try a 'contrast' to appretiate what we have. When it comes to relationships what we need to do to establish that contrast varies completely. For some it is sharing a joke, a cheeky kiss or carress, maybe dinner or a movie, and for some people its more physical. Where we draw the line is down to our individual personal rules. But do we check if our partner agrees? Probably not!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2012):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you for your honest answers. :)

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2012):

I was married for 14 years, together for 20, and I held off MANY opportunities to cheat. Eventually, we both were very disconnected, and I made the mistake of going outside my marriage. I lost my way, and made some bad decisions. The irony is, through the separation and divorce, I learned that she was not as committed as I thought. She did not cheat or have feelings for anyone else, but she did not love me as deeply as I had thought even when our marriage was "good". It was very depressing, because my actions were the nail in the coffin, but all along she was not as in love as I thought. I actually loved her more I think. I know that may seem impossible, since I was the cheater, but sometimes we lose our way and lose sight of what really matters to us. I know I did.

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A male reader, CaringGuy United Kingdom +, writes (18 March 2012):

I've been with my girlfriend for 3 years, and it's not even crossed my mind. I don't want to cheat, I don't need to cheat, I won't cheat.

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A male reader, Code Warrior United States + , writes (18 March 2012):

Code Warrior agony auntI don't care who it is or how sexy she might be, I would not cheat.

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A male reader, DoubleM United States +, writes (18 March 2012):

DoubleM agony auntDuring my 20 year marriage, I had numerous opportunities and turned them down. Will admit that some were very tempting, but I was happy at home and committed. Unfortunately, she was not quite as devoted. Though I had no proof of infidelity on her part, she eventually left for reasons only she knows. Six months later she asked to return, but her activities in the meantime were unknown, so it all ended.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2012):

I've seen people on here who have been married a very long time and still have satisfying sex lives. I can't say the same -- after 30 years, it's very dull, very much the same thing all the time. Rather than going on the hunt, though, I've chosen to focus on what's positive in the relationship. While I had a perfectly reasonable sex life when I was younger, I accept that that's in my past -- I had my chance. I would find it very difficult to face my wife if I cheated, and have too much respect for her to seek to do that.

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A male reader, bearatts United States +, writes (18 March 2012):

Hi, I've been with my girlfriend for 6 years, going on 7. I've never cheated on her, even though I've had multiple opportunities to. I'm still in love with her as much as i was when we first got together. I know that this may sound gross or be too much information, but I still think about her when i fantasize and "take care of myself". Sorry if that grossed you out, but just as proof that all men aren't scum bags.

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A male reader, dougbcoll United States +, writes (18 March 2012):

dougbcoll agony auntno i would not . i have to live with my self, the factor of guilt plays into the it. i have respect for my ( partner), i would not want to hurt my wife. even if she would never find out , i would still know the truth and would not want to have things to hide. it all comes down to character ( who we are when no one is looking). a person is either honest or dis- honest . i have been married 29 years.

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A female reader, person12345 United States +, writes (18 March 2012):

person12345 agony auntNot a guy, but just pointing out that women cheat in almost equal numbers now. Most men won't cheat, only 22% of married men have done it in their current marriage according to the most recent surveys. Not all men are lying scumbags like your coworker. The media shows way more cheating and casual sex than actually goes on in the real world.

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