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Men: If your woman is satisfying you, why do you need porn?

Tagged as: Pornography<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (22 December 2010) 30 Answers - (Newest, 6 January 2011)
A female United States age 26-29, *ebbie188 writes:

Ok first off, I’m not married, but I keep having this fear of my future husband watching porn. I understand that most men watch porn but why? If your woman is satisfying you why do you need it? Many men say they need variety, but is that fair? Women can’t have variety because most of us aren’t visually stimulated so variety would mean dating other men. I don’t want to watch porn. When I’m married I would like to have sex with only my spouse. Some of you will compare porn to romance novels and shopping. Well I don’t like romance novels, and you have to shop. It’s not the same at all. Plus, you can’t orgasm from shopping. Totally different. Anyway, Do you men really think it’s fair to watch porn if your wife is satisfying you? ONLY men answer please. I am not interested in answers from women.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2011):

I watch porn for one reason, to get a release as quick as possible. I do not look at porn any other time. My wife is very satisfied with the frequency we have sex. That amount is great for her, but not nearly enough for me. She would never give me a hand job or BJ just for the hell of it. I am pretty much left to fend for myself. Giving up porn and bothering my wife all the time for sexual gratification would drive my wife mad.

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A female reader, Debbie188 United States +, writes (3 January 2011):

Debbie188 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

@cupid boy. I really like everything that you've said. lol don't have any counter arguments. thanks

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A male reader, Cupid Boy Canada +, writes (3 January 2011):

Cupid Boy agony auntGuys and girls really need to try and understand the other's point-of-view on this. If a woman isn't crazy about pornos, men should not be telling her she's completely wrong, insecure and unreasonable to feel that way. I can totally understand the feeling of being somehow left out or passed over for porn, even if it were more perception than reality. That's why personally I'd avoid porn in a relationship. You make some interesting points, like "for those of you who say, it is a man's way of not cheating, why cant he just NOT CHEAT? Why does he need porn to curb that appetite. Why cant men try to be satisfied with one woman?" That's a fair question to ask (of some men but not all).

At the same time, I would not want to be with someone who took an absolute hardline stance against porn. I'd see that person as potentially overbearing, controlling, and inflexible, not only regarding porn but in other areas too. I will gladly give up porn for a girl but not my freedom of choice. And I don't think simply liking porn makes someone a pervert. Porn is designed to be appealing. It's like saying anyone who likes sugar must be a fat pig.

I've read so-called romance novels and erotica for women, and they are often much more explicit and sexual than a Playboy pictorial. You think women aren't pleasuring themselves, both mentally and physically, by reading them?

As was pointed out below, women use visual porn too. This is something anti-porn women do not seem to want to discuss much. Because if they did, they'd probably admit they felt it was ok for women to view porn but not men. Empowering for women but perverted for men. I've never heard a woman tell a female porn user that she was betraying her man, or that guys who let their wives read erotica must be doormats with no self-respect. That double-standard is just as bad as a guy saying he should be able to watch porn but his spouse should not. For the record, if my gf was using porn casually to drool over nude men once a week, I honestly wouldn't mind.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2011):

Debbie, I'm the anon you replied to. I have to think that you're hung up on relatively 'new' relationships, where the girl is willing and happy to get him off anytime. That was a long time ago for me, and so maybe not relevant. But yes, for whatever it's worth, porn didn't play a role then. Getting off with someone, all other things equal, is better than getting off alone. And if you're in a new relationship, where you're willing to get him off from time to time without wanting anything yourself, and he's still wanking to porn, OK, then I get your issue.

But do ask yourself if you're really willing to satisfy all his wants (and I'm saying 'wants' rather than 'needs').

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A female reader, person12345 United States +, writes (31 December 2010):

person12345 agony auntJust for reference, not all men use porn or lie about it. About 70% of men use porn occasionally. Just to clarify that, it is possible to have a porn-free relationship.

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A female reader, smiliek Australia +, writes (31 December 2010):

smiliek agony auntI wouldn't say that men love porn.. I once asked my hubby if he had to pick me or porn which it'd be. He said me. However i am not one to control, i wont ever tell him he has to stop watchin or i'll walk. I found a happy medium where i accepted occasional porn use and he didnt lie about anything if asked. I still dont entirely understand it, but it just seems to be one of those things where men and women are different. I once tested what guys told me about porn. I masturbated to a porn video. Guess what, i didnt remember what the actors looked like within seconds of finishing. And it was the act of sex that i liked watching, i thought of doing it with my hubby. Had nothing to do with what the people looked like. Have you ever masturbated? Does it take away from your bf? Porn is a visual tool to help guys go quicker. It cant threaten you. Its not real. If your relationship suffers because your partner is more into porn then you, then there is a serious problem. But if he uses it only sometimes, what do you hate so much about it? He's not imaginin himself with other women (well if he's like my hubby) he's simply watching somethingt that turns him on to get off. Guys never understand why women have a problem with porn as it means nothing to them (at least most guys, when they aren't addicted) There are some men who dont use porn when in a relationship. But if you're with someone now who does look at it, you will only serve yourself more hurt if you stay. He may not stop just because you dont like it, and if you try to make him you are then controlling him.. Better to find someone who has the same values as you then be hurt over it time and time again. Or work on a compromise. So long as it doesnt affect your sex life or life in general, why do you dislike it so?

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A female reader, Debbie188 United States +, writes (31 December 2010):

Debbie188 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

@anonymous ok but if she WERE interested, you would still watch porn. At least that's what everyone else here says. So its not matter of availability of real sex, its just that men love porn and never want to let it go.

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A female reader, Miamine United Kingdom +, writes (31 December 2010):

Miamine agony auntWhy do men need wet dreams, why can't they just wake up and tell their body to control itself?

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A male reader, Sttudyo Guatemala +, writes (31 December 2010):

Once again... I think you're thinking too much about this. It's simple, no science behind all this, no tricks, no mysterious reason. It's just GOOD.

You're over thinking this. Besides, you are comparing two totally different things.

You want the simple answer: We like it, and at the same time we CAN still love you. (Yes, we can do two things at the same time!!! Amazing??!!!) Just bare with it.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2010):

Debbie, the last time my wife had the interest and we had the opportunity was in October. "Why cant men just wait until their wife or girlfriend is home?" Because it isn't that simple.

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A female reader, Debbie188 United States +, writes (30 December 2010):

Debbie188 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Why do men need this release? Sometimes I have the urge to slap ppl, but I hold that urge in. Why cant men just wait until their wife or girlfriend is home? Why cant a man just control himself and be there sexually for his wife or girlfriend only. Is that too much to ask? sometimes I meet men who are extremely handsome and would love to take me out on dates. It is extremely flattering, and I would love to do it, but out of respect for my boyfriend, I don't. I don't see too much of a difference between that scenario and porn. Yes the date would be with a real person, but I will not achieve an orgasm from such a date, which to me is much more personal.

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A male reader, Sttudyo Guatemala +, writes (30 December 2010):

I see no problem as a man watching porn. From my point of view is just as simple as classifying it as adult entertainment. Ask any guy, its fun, its pleasurable, its just GOOD. I mean, there is no danger to watch porn. Masturbating is natural and watching porn is just a way to add visual stimulus. I wouldn't make a big deal out of it.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2010):

I find the majority of porn to be fake and not erotic.

So I feel it is for people who have bad taste sexually. Which seems to be the majority of people :(

I watched a documentary on porn, it was upsetting. They are mostly on drugs and usually have been abused in one way or another. It's a sad, horrible industry. Why would anyone want to contribute to that?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2010):

Porn is a deal breaker for me... it has been a deal breaker for my entire dating/married life. I can remember being 18 and walking away from a guy I was seeing because of it... and almost walking away from my husband at age 48 for the very same thing... People talk about insecurity and other 'weaknesses' of the women who object to it, however I do not understand how objecting to pornography is demonstrative of weakness. For me, it is more about not wanting to be with a guy who is a pervert and exploitive of women.

I totally 'get' the male sexuality as portrayed by males and some women... I understand that boys will be boys...

However, my idea of an exclusive relationship means precisely that... an exclusive relationship. People argue that the photographs/videos aren't cheating. However, truth be told... if my guy were committed to me he wouldn't/shouldn't want to sit around checking out other women for sexual thrills.

I'd like to think I would be he source of sexual thrills... Just as he would like to think he is the source of mine.

I guarantee that any man I have ever dated... even my husband... would think I was totally weird, a pervert, and sicko if I had a stack of nudie rags of men... etc... In fact, in cases where porn became an issue... I've even asked what they'd do if I were doing precisely what they were... and they basically said they'd be grossed out... they'd wonder about me. They would think there was something wrong with me and wonder what I was up to...

A double standard? Perhaps.

I do not think it is wrong for a woman to set standards for the type of man she wishes to have in her life... everyone is granted the right to establish their own value system... when someone else's value system conflicts with yours... either they can change or they can find another mate... I will not 'give' on this issue... I have always felt this way... I have always stood my ground.

There is a lid for every pot... so the guys who like whacking off to porn should just find a girl who doesn't mind and/or is into it. And... leave the girls who don't like it alone.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2010):

My boyfriend looks at porn (pics) online 2-3 times a week--but he doesn't masturbate, I know this for a fact. So why do it? I'm not against it unless it's excessive and hurting the relationship in some way, because I do it, but it's for release. I just don't understand why you would look if it's not to masturbate.

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A male reader, JustinNki United States +, writes (25 December 2010):

JustinNki agony auntyes, sex with a partner is wonderful thing,

but theres something about pleasing yourself with your own hand that is different.

sometimes men just get bored and do it, even if they already hooked up with their partner.

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A female reader, smiliek Australia +, writes (23 December 2010):

smiliek agony auntI was the same as you once. I wondered why the hell my partner would need to masturbate to porn when we would do something sexual every day (if not more) and i was more then happy to get him off without wanting anything in return. One day we talked about it. He informed me that masturbating is a stress release, its a different feeling to when he comes when we do stuff. Not as good but creates a feeling of relief and relieves tension. When we do stuff his orgasm is far more than that. When i asked why he couldn't simply masturbate without the use of porn he told me it'd take much much longer and he wasn't interested in spending more time making himself orgasm then what we would spend when doing stuff. He just wants a quick release and porn allows that. He has videos of us doing stuff, but they were filmed with him holding the phone (which is the camera) which means half the time you cant see anything properly. He has told me he's used them and since he wants to film more i believe him. You could suggest that to your partner? If you trust him.. However my hubby still does watch porn, so be aware your partner may too. He only does it once or twice a wk. Its what, half an hour out of that wk total? Not long enough to concern me. For a long time i hated him using it, more because he lied about it to start with. Once he stopped lying, we talked about it, made some compromises so i knew he'd never pick it over me (not that he had) and i accepted it. Its never been a big deal to him, he's never done it when im home, he doesnt care if he goes weeks without it. And he almost always wants stuff with me even if he did it himself a few hours previous. I made the choice to stay in a great relationship with a guy who sometimes uses porn. But everyone has the choice. If you wont accept porn, you need to find a guy who never uses it. We cannot change someone else. We cant control someone else. If your partners use of porn doesnt take away from your sexual relationship or any other aspect of it, why does it bother you? Oh, and my hubby doesnt want to cheat and never will. He's been cheated on and would never inflict that on another. He's also told me that even without porn he'd never cheat. So whoever said that, maybe its why they use porn but the good guys wouldn't cheat anyway. Listen to cerebus and kc. Without porn, your guy would still masturbate when you weren't around. It'd take longer, and who knows what he'd be thinking about. Could be a friend of yours.. I'd rather my guy watch sex acts and think of doing them with me (which is what he does) then imagine himself with someone else. Good luck.

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A female reader, k_c100 United Kingdom +, writes (23 December 2010):

k_c100 agony auntOk, in a nutshell, this is why men use porn:

1. It is an escape. It is like a fantasy world where they can just escape real life and induldge - like when women fantasise about George Clooney or whoever when masturbating, it is the same thing for men with porn.

2. It is a quick, easy release. A lot of women on this site always say 'why is he looking at porn when he can have sex with me?' and the reason is this - porn is easier. Sex for men is actually quite difficult and stressful, they are always conscious of whether the woman is enjoying herself, making sure he performs (i.e doesnt cum too soon), he has to do all of the work in most positions (unless girl is on top)and all the woman has to do is lie there and focus on her orgasm - but for men there is so much more going on. Hence porn is the quickest, easiest and least stressful way to 'get off' so to speak. It doesnt mean he does not enjoy sex with you - its just on the odd occasion, men like to take the easy option and have a quick, easy release of tension. Even with oral, he is still worrying about if you are enjoying it, if he is taking too long to cum, if your jaw is hurting, if there will be too much cum....I know in your head it seems like 'well if he wants a quick release I can do it for him' but it simply doesnt work that way!

3. They dont want to have sex with a porn star or want you to look like a porn star - generally when they are watching porn men often think 'oh I would love to do that to xxxx(partner's name).'

So there you go - he is still attracted to you, still loves you, wants to have sex with you etc! The only time you should get worried about porn is if he is lying about it and watching it very frequently, to the point on obession.

But if you are open with him about it, dont judge him for it, dont make a big deal about it and in general are ok about it - then he will never have to hide it from you or lie. Heck - why not even suggest watching it together?! You may find it turns you on too, and he will definitely love that you want to share in his turn-on's!

I have spoke to my partner about this (he is 27 and we have a very happy relationship), and many of my male friends and they all say the same things - the reason why they watch porn is the exact things I have said above. It has no impact on their girlfriends or wives, it is purely about a release for them. Men are very visual creatures so it makes masturbating more enjoyable - what is really so wrong with that? You would never get upset by a man masturbating, so really there is not that much difference between plain old masturbation and masturbating to porn.

Many many women feel the exact same way as you do (search this site and you will see!), and men will always maintain that it is meaningless but the women cannot get their heads around it. And this is where the big difference lies - women attach emotions to sex, whereas men (often) do not. So women are thinking 'why does he need porn when he has me' and they see the porn as a threat, whereas there are no emotions for men attached to porn whatsoever. Like Cerebus said - it is a tool. Nothing more, nothing less.

You may never understand why men use porn, and that is ok if it simply does not make sense to you. Just as there are many parts of a woman's personality men will never understand, maybe this is one part of your partner that you will never understand. Just accept that this is one gender difference you cant get your head around and dont worry about it. I think what men and women need to do more is to accept that we have differences and not try and rationalise them in our own gender specific ways, at the end of the day men and women will always be different so lets just accept it and get on with it!

I hope this helps and good luck!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2010):

"A truly mature and good man won't cheat in his heart/mind/body/soul and will not use porn to surrogate cheat either."

Not being judgmental or imposing your moral values on everyone else are you? Nooo hahaha.

"No one wants to admit that they are weird." yes because anyone who disagrees with your view must be weird right? You're right, and 90% of men and a good proportion of women are completely wrong.

"The fact is, that the real males are out there making our world a better place, not spending time in front of their computers whacking off." Hahaha, well if that's the case then real women don't spend their time on the internet judging other people, they go out in the real world and do good instead. They're tolerant people.

"Good men do exist" That's right we do, and most of us use porn.

"But the fact is that their behavior is largely based in insecurity and fear of intimacy" this one made me crack up it seriously did. I'm literally still laughing at this notion. Thank you female anon, you've made my day. The irony of your argument is evident when you described porn use as "surrogate cheating"

"Porn has not always existed. Porn has not always been so readily available." Actually yes it has, from cave paintings, to Egyptian hieroglyphs, to inscriptions on pottery, to symbols of fertility, sex and fertility has always been something that was celebrated, sex is a natural virtue and a pleasure that was to never viewed as sinful. It is only the advent of Christianity that changed that perception and it was only done so as a method of control. Control of bloodlines, control of women and control of every aspect of a believers life.

I love when people make grand sweeping historical statements without any basis in fact, but saying things they read in jane austin novels, the bible or tv as though that's how that's how it was. You see sexuality is not dirty, porn is not cheating and it's not weird to not have the same point of views as you.

It is very weird to call people who use pron bad people though, or call it surrogate cheating (which is a major sign of insecurity by the way) you know? Being jealous of a picture, quite strange really.

But most of all you're a woman, stop trying to convince yourself you know anything about what it's like to be a man. No offence bu while you think you may, you really can't speak with any authority. Women can have any view they want on why men do whatever, you're not a man so how will you ever truly know?

How about we have a discussion on menstruation, or what it's like to be pregnant oh! that's right my experience of being a pregnant or menstruating woman are quite limited, in fact they don't exist. So I'm not going to have any basis for comparison because I've never been woman, I can't exactly go around telling people how painful giving birth is because I'll never know, even If I was to shove a melon up my ass (as woman have described it) I still wouldn't know.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2010):

I tend to think porn is something mainly for single people to use since they don't have anyone else. It's an artificial substitute when you're deprived of the real thing. It's really not compatible with a monogamous relationship (except in unusual cases where both have decided their relationship would be somehow enhanced by watching it together).

When you get married, you necessarily give up certain things, like going to singles bars, having your own place, and all kinds of other freedoms. That's a given. But guys who marry and then go on being heavy porn users are trying to have it both ways. If porn will be impossible for you to give up, if it's that important to you, then don't get married! Just stay single and enjoy the benefits (like freedom to watch whatever you want). Seriously consider whether marriage is the right lifestyle for you. Marriage has great benefits, like a loving spouse who promises to be true to you until death, but this comes with a price.

People have only "needed" porn since it became so widely and easily available online. It now takes more effort to go pick up eggs than it does to download the most extreme hardcore porn. This is why porn is hard to avoid and pretty much impossible never to be exposed to at all. Today, any child with basic Internet skills can find porn easily when really it should be a controlled substance. Think how many more alcoholics there'd be if wine and beer were delivered straight to everyone's door every day for free, in unlimited quantities.

So if guys everywhere seem to be on porn, it should be viewed in that context. We are all living in a somewhat toxic mental environment now because of the material being dumped onto the Internet. It's similar to dumping sewage into the lake, it will begin to have effects on everything that lives in or drinks from the lake.

I doubt porn is pure evil in all cases but neither is it perfectly harmless, least of all within committed relationships. So back to your question. Is regular, habitual porn watching fair to one's spouse? No. If this type of thing is rampant in society, that doesn't make it right, it just makes a whole lot of people wrong.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2010):

A truly mature and good man won't cheat in his heart/mind/body/soul and will not use porn to surrogate cheat either. Every mammal has instincts and sex happens to be one of them, however porn is not natural... it is a fake world... and frankly that is precisely where the trouble with it lies.

Due to whatever their reasons, some people become hyper sexual... this is not a natural state. Some individuals posting answers to your question sound as if they may fall into this category... and they are also porn users (daily), so their input is somewhat in defense of it. No one wants to admit that they are weird. They choose to pass it off as being 'really male'. The fact is, that the real males are out there making our world a better place, not spending time in front of their computers whacking off.

Good men do exist, and if you keep your head on straight... and not waiver... you will find one.

All across dearcupid, one can read about females not satisfied by their men and men not satisfied by their women. We can read about men who have grown dependent on porn, who cheat, who use masturbation as a way of life, who promote this bizarre sexuality almost as if they are on a crusade to vindicate themselves. The male sex drive is not stronger than that of a woman, they simply have given themselves license (as a gender) to let it fly. They have that penis argument that they use as a trump card every time. But the fact is that their behavior is largely based in insecurity and fear of intimacy. Their penis is not and does not have to be a prison for them, yet they pretend that it is... Why? Because the male culture backs them up on it and they do not demand something better from one another.

There are so many people out there cheating and carrying on, however you do not have to be a part of that equation. Men can be satisfied with one woman... there are people throughout the ages who have. Men and women devoted to one another so deeply as to render the mere idea of needing others an absurdity. This does exist. However, it does not exist in the underground world of sexual immaturity and living through the genitals instead of the heart and the mind.

Albert Einstein spent his time pondering questions on the universe. I'm sure there were guys spending their time buying underground porn and jerking off as well. Two kinds of men spending their time according to what controls their life.

Porn has not always existed. Porn has not always been so readily available. What did all the men do before porn and cyber cheating? They got it on with their betrothed, that's what they did.

And, any male whose penis has become such a burden that requires maintenance... should seriously engage in introspection.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2010):

Oh and your point about you doing it for him. The most important part of that is you mean something to him, when you have sex or do sexual acts with him it means something and he always wants it to mean something.

He doesn't want to ever degrade that meaning by having you do meaningless sex acts on him, when he doesn't want something that involves emotion or meaning he just wants to pop one out.

That's the great thing about porn, it will stimulate our senses without any meaning or emotion at all. You're not going to understand because as a woman you need emotional arousal too. We only need visual arousal.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2010):

We don't need porn, just like we don't a lawnmower. We could use a scissors to cut the grass too.

You're not listening, it's not about sex, it's masturbation. For guys masturbation is not sex. It's pretty much the same as taking a dump. That's it. You're a woman you're not going to understand because for you masturbating takes time, it takes time get aroused it takes time get off. So you might aswell just do it with your guy.

We guys can get an erection in an instant, and ejaculate in under 30 seconds with porn.

Nobody said it's a man's way of not cheating, because that's a load of bullshit. If I never used porn again I'd still never cheat end of story, that's the biggest load of shit I've ever heard.

Just accept that you're a woman and you don't understand that we need to masturbate. If a single guy doesn't masturbate then he'll get wet dreams, or he'll cum getting a hug. We need to regularly release out sperm to keep our testicles healthy and creating new sperm. It's a stress reliever, just like getting a massage except it's INSTANT.

IT'S NOT ABOUT SEX!!! It's masturbation, and it's for relief and release, not just pleasure. We don't want sex when we want a wank, we don't want to include you just like we don't want to include when we're taking a shit, or a piss. It's a private release of bodily fluids. It takes too long for a girl to do it for us, plus that's a mutual sexual act. We don't want sex when we wank and have a girlfriend we want a release. We don't want emotion or love in that act we want to release quickly and be done. Asking to be included is like us asking to be included in the changing of your tampon every time. "Why do you have to stick things in your vagina while I'm not around? Is putting another penis shaped object in your vagina a way of not cheating? I don't like the idea of you touching your vagina without me." It's the same flawed logic.

Don't come back with some shit about not using tampons now just like you did with my vibrator analogy. It's a comparative analogy I'm using to explain the logic but you're intent on looking at it from your point of view as a woman.

You're not going to understand, you're not a guy. You don't have a penis you don't know what it's like to have one.

Why use porn? Why use a lawnmower instead of a scissors? Why use a leaf blower instead of a rake. Why use a car when you can walk? Why fly to another country when you can use a rowing boat?

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A female reader, Debbie188 United States +, writes (23 December 2010):

Debbie188 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Ok for the record, my man satisfies me, but I don't understand why men still need porn. I don't have a vibrator, and I don't plan on using one (unless I was with my man and we were using it together). Sex should be shared. I would be glad to satisfy my man ANY time he wanted. And for those of you who say, it is a man's way of not cheating, why cant he just NOT CHEAT? Why does he need porn to curb that appetite. Why cant men try to be satisfied with one woman? And if he want's to be selfish I will give him oral, or whatever he wants. He can even masturbate when I'm around, but why do you men feel the need to use porn?

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A male reader, steph007 Hungary +, writes (22 December 2010):

This not fair or unfair issue. This is instinctively driven visual curiosity. Like dogs always notice and watch each other. You should not regard it as disloyalty. But you may be right if you do not like it when your husband watches porn. He should do it somehow unobtrusively. And you should give him space for that. If he is too much obsessive of porn then that is an addiction. And it almost does not matter, which type of addiction he has, basically all addictions are the same.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2010):

It's a masturbation tool, nothing more.

I need to get off at least once a day minimum (mostly more) to keep myself happy and healthy. Porn just makes that process 100 times more efficient, that's it. It's like a vibrator is for women, look don't get into that crap that a vibrator isn't a real person or that guys don't feel insecure about vibrators (lots do). My girl can use her hand and take little while getting off or if she wants a quick release she'll use her vibrator, it's faster and it does the job more efficiently. Porn is the same, instead of having to build up a fantasy in my mind of having sex with someone, I can just load up a video watch two bodies writhing around and I'm done in no time.

Look it would be impossible for my girlfriend to drop everything and give me a quick release every time I needed it.

It's also not possible to only ever think of my girlfriend while I do it because that would take too long.

My woman is satisfying me sexually but masturbation to us is like taking a dump, it's a release that's it. We guys are built differently so you're not going to understand it, but we do just get the urge to pop our load and there's not really anything sexual about it. It's about as sexual as needing to take a crap and going having a crap. We get a build up of sperm or frustration we can relax ourselves by popping one out. You're not going to understand that because women are wired differently, of course you get the same urges and you want a quick release sometimes too. But while you may not like porn most guys have found it to be a very good tool for getting that done.

Now I'm not saying there is anything right or wrong about using porn nor that there is anything wrong with disliking it.

No offence but I couldn't care less what people think of it. My girlfriend doesn't mind it at all just like I don't mind her using her vibrator. She knows we don't see women in those pictures or videos, just mindless bodies, which we are completely emotionless to.

We've both come to full agreement on the issue, she knows those women don't exist to me, she knows I'm not looking at them as women but as objects like her vibrator and she's secure enough to know she's the only woman for me.

In fact she prefers it, because we guys don't just think about only our girls for the rest of our lives in the sexual fantasies we use to masturbate, her favourite wank fantasy is of johnny depp, she'd rather I masturbated to some nameless faceless body on a video than to an image of her sister, or the shop assistant down the road.

FYI: women don't become the sole proprietors of our penis once we commit to them, we maintain the right to pleasure ourselves just because we use something to make the process easier doesn't mean we feel anything for that tool. What you don't understand is that we're not getting sexual satisfaction from someone else, we're getting sexual satisfaction from ourselves not the woman in the video/picture. Porn just makes it quicker. It's habit, it's easy, it's guilt free because we have no feeling towards it at all and it's just something we're used to and don't think anything about.

So when a girl turns around and tells us to stop it makes no sense to us, it makes no sense that they're insecure or jealous, it makes no sense that make threats and ultimatums to break up over something that means nothing to us.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2010):

Is he watching something that you won't let him to do ??

Are you having enough sex?

These are the reasons he might be watching porn.

My wife is very attractive and very sexualy active so frankly said don't need to watch porn. Last time I watched porn was like 8 months ago when i wanted to try anal sex and she was kinda against it. But why would i watch something that i can have in real life.

But for some guys is actually helpful to watch porn, because if they are sexualy active with only one women they get bored and the women become unattractive to them. So this is kinda way to kill streotype and since he's thinking about other women you are still exciting to him.

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A male reader, serenity80 United Kingdom +, writes (22 December 2010):

In principle, I would say that if a man is being satisfied then he certainly doesn't need, or should want porn in his life.

Porn has its problems. Whilst it can be used "innocently" it can very easily become habit forming, and start to affect real-life intimacy. If a man is single, or is relieving an occasional urge and this does not affect intimacy with his partner then it isn't a problem, but if using porn is affecting a relationship either physically or emotionally then it clearly is a problem.

Porn also goes beyond what the average women can do. For example, it is easy to start looking at "main stream" porn but move on to harder stuff, and before long it takes an enormous amount if visual stimulation to get the same kicks. If someone is habitually looking at porn, and seeing real hardcore stuff then they simply won't be able to find their wife as sexually appealing.

I do feel that porn is like a drug, it can be addictive and it can start to affect relationships negatively. It requires moderation and self-restraint. It does happen that men end up becoming too hooked on porn and that affects relationships. But that said, it also happens that men can use it "innocently" where it doesn't affect the relationship but women seem to have a huge problem with it.

If I had a wife say to me she didn't want me to watch porn, and was satisfying me sexually then I would have no problem making a commitment to not look at it again, and in the future to communicate any problems about sex so they can be discussed within the marriage and not resort to porn.

Look at it the other way around, if the woman in the relationship wasn't emotionally fulfilled in the relationship, would it be right for her to get her emotional needs met outside the relationship, or for her to discuss it with her man and get things resolved within the relationship?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2010):

You have no idea how high the healthy male sex drive is. How often we would require sex from you if we were to forgo all forms of self-stimulation.

Your hair would turn white in shy of a week.

We have to do SOMETHING to keep the drive in a state of check, and you can't be there for us four or five times per day.

Look. Women have Vibrators. Men have Porn. It's just the way it is. Women tell us not to be concerned about the sex-toys they own as it is not a judgement on our sexual prowess. The same with porn.

You will be better off if you just put it from your mind as something private that you do not need to interfere with.

Now if it were affecting you own sex-life to the point where he is focusing more on porn than you... then you have something to worry about.

If you both still knock boots regularly enough for you... then leave it.

Trust me, you have to have a penis to understand these things.

Flynn 24

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A male reader, C. Grant Canada +, writes (22 December 2010):

C. Grant agony auntIs he a considerate lover? Does he make sure it's good for you? And does that mean that he's making sure the setting is right, you've had a nice dinner, the dishes are done, that you're relaxed, maybe giving a bit of massage? And then lots of foreplay, maybe some good oral, before he goes for the gold?

If he's a good guy, he wants to make sure the experience is worth your while. And in all honesty, that's a bunch of work. Ya, ya, it's worth it, it's a better experience that way and all that.

But sometimes he wants to be selfish and just wants to get off. A quick wank isn't complicated, it doesn't take effort, and he doesn't need to worry about whether you got anything out of it. No, of course it isn't as good. But it's quick, easy, and guilt free.

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