A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating my boyfriend for a year and a half. My boyfriend, a few months ago, made out with a girl for like a minute, and he told me about it and regretted it so much, and I ended up forgiving him. A couple weeks ago, I made out with a guy, and I obviously regretted it so much, and I told him about it.[And before you say we should break up, thats really not the advice I'm seeking; we both just made stupid drunken mistakes, I want to try to work this out]So my boyfriend flipped out at me and send me a message being like "I don't want you to talk to the boy or even look at him again. If I see even a questionable picture of you on fb w a boy there will be hell to pay etc etc." Then he didn't talk to me for like 5 days. Those days were absolutely terrbile for me. I got really depressed, wasn't eating, couldn't sleep, etc (but i stayed strong and didn't message him, trying to let him take whatever time he needed).After 5 days, he talked to me on the phone for a tiny bit, but he didn't really want to say his bit, he just let me talk mostly. He said he's not breaking up with me.BUT he's been continuing to ignore me for large periods of time, and then sending me messages acting like things are normal. A few days ago he said we could skype this week, so i asked him if we could do wednesday or thursday, and he just hasn't responded. I don't really know how to proceed. I know he's actively ignoring my messages because he reads them and then doesnt respond. I want to get him to talk to me but I don't want to push him too much. At the same time, I'm upset at his double standard-- when he did the same thing, he was surprised when it took me more than a week to like move on from it. I also wasn't awful to him at all in the way that he's trying to actively make me feel terrible... Any advice at all would be appreciated.
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female
reader, MSA +, writes (15 July 2015):
 I used to ask my boyfriend if it's true that when you are drunk you are more likely to make out with the opposite sex. Because it got me worrying, because he likes to go clubbing and drinking, but I don't. So I often have this wild wild image of bars and clubs and how people are when they are drunk.My boyfriend said that most times if you are really really drunk you end up barfing all over yourself or you'd be passed out. When you are still able to make out with someone else, then you are still conscious... conscious enough to know what you are doing and it's your choice to do it.. not the alcohol making you do it.I understand looking at your age that you are having fun and enjoying life. It's something we all go through. So I guess you made out and your boyfriend has made out. Allow him to time to get over it. Then maybe have a talk with him and agree to make the choice not to do something like that again.Just give it some time.. he'll be ok.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2015): You played a game of tit-for-tat, and now you can't deal with the consequences. It wasn't by coincidence you ended kissing another guy. It was a deliberate act to get even with your boyfriend. His being hurt by it is a normal reaction. What you pulled on him is called vengeance. Something scornful and mean. It came back to bite you in your butt!
Well, in the process you've opened a can of worms. He tried to be straight-forward and honest. He did something guys rarely do. He confessed.
Now he's feeling angry and confused about all this. He was wrong, but two wrongs never make a right. You are now under his power. You surrendered to it, the moment you let him know how badly you react to the "silent treatment." He is using a passive-aggressive mind-game to punish you, and that really isn't fair. It's mean. Not to say kissing the other boy isn't equally as mean.
This will go on for awhile. He's got issues with jealousy, and his so-called "double-standards" as you put it; has him having second thoughts about the relationship. If you're both fooling around with other people, that's a sign your relationship has run it's course anyway. You both really want to date other people; but you're too jealous to let each other go. You're only afraid he'll go back to the other girl. Well, let him. If he's ignoring you, he's likely to anyway. He's not waiting for your approval.
He has no right to tell you how to behave, or make threats.
That is crossing the line!!!
You are being psychologically-abused; but willing to submit to it. You disrespectfully told us what not to advise you to do. Logically, that makes no sense. "I know I should leave him, but don't tell me that!"
Then why'd you bother coming here with your post? No one here can tell your boyfriend what to do, no more than you can. We can only advise "YOU," under the one-sided circumstances. You want to know what magic spell will make him forgive you and behave himself.
More to the point. A breakup and distance. Go date other boys like you really want to.
Tell him if he isn't willing to meet you halfway to work things out, he is leaving you no choice but to end it.
Never, under any circumstances, allow people (male or female)to psychologically abuse, or manipulate you. Ignoring you is a abusive and cruel, if it continues excessively. Five-days is due punishment. A week or more, is just getting nasty.
Trying to stay in a relationship under that kind of treatment is foolish, and will traumatize you emotionally. He picks up this behavior from his own father. It is wrong!
You're both just kids, and you will either work it out, or YOU will have to be mature enough to call it quits. Especially, if you are losing sleep, and you're not eating. i might add, perhaps being a bit of a drama-queen! Taking it without addressing it is conditioning yourself to be submissive and passive as a woman. You will always allow males to push you around, if you fear they will leave you.
News flash, they will anyway! There is a point when you have to take a stance; in order to regain his respect, and get things back on a more adult level. I'm not suggesting you go into bitch-mode. I'm suggesting that you don't become a pathetic passive-female; always letting guys walk all over you, while clinging to them for their approval.
You are now in your trial and learning stages of how to handle a relationship. You are both equals. He has a right to show his anger. You have a right to let him know just how far he is allowed to go with it.
Lets see how much more of this you can take; before you grow a pair, stop submitting to his mistreatment; and decide tell him he's acting childish. I don't read anything about apologies from either of you, by the way. Are you sorry? Is he? If you both agree to forgive each other, that is the grown-up thing to do. Or, keep-up this mean little child's play.
You can do better without him if he continues.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (14 July 2015):
 Double standard is when he felt it's okay to drunken kiss a girl while for you it's not okay. He did feel remorse and didn't wish for it to happen again. When you kissed a guy, how much was alcohol responsible, and how much was it due to he did it so you did it too? If it was to get even it means you didn't really forgive him, and it was to let him taste his own medicine.
Some people may never move on from betrayal. It doesn't matter if that's your first time, second time, or a revenge cheating. It all hurts the same. If you really mean your sorries I suggest giving each other space to heal. Start over again with the courtship and just abstain from alcohol in public.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (14 July 2015):
 Ugh, don't be so self righteous. Just because he cheated doesn't give you some right to cheat on him. Just because you didn't give him hell over his cheating, doesn't mean you should get away with it either. He's not working with double standards! He's being a human who's been cheated on. You haven't kissed someone else before, so his reaction to your cheating is NOT because of any double standards, it's his genuine reaction. We all react differently. Just because you were cool and chill with it, does NOT mean he needs to be. You do not have any right to dictate how he should feel or react. While you might be upset that he's not as okay with cheating as you were, doesn't give you a pass to belittle him or stand on any high horse.
Actually, you saying he should forgive you just because you forgave him, implies that you only forgave him because you yourself wanted to kiss someone else later on and get away with it for free. It reflects poorly on you. It's not like two wrongs make a right. You don't get to cheat just because he did. You don't get any free passes, just because you gave him one.
Own your actions. Don't start with saying you don't deserve it. You do deserve it. You're a cheat, accept that. You're no less of a cheat just because your boyfriend is also a cheat.
Now, that being said, things can be worked out. Sure they can, things can always be worked out and there's no absolutes in life. You don't have to stay a cheat, you can redeem yourself and become a better person and treat your boyfriend with respect from here on out. But whether he will forgive you or not is up to him, and he gets to decide that for himself. Whether you forgave him in the past or not is completely irrelevant. If you sincerely feel he should forgive you, because you forgave him, then that only means you will allow cheating to occur repeatedly on both parts, because you will each "owe" the other one.
He does not feel less hurt by your cheating just because he himself cheated on you. It doesn't work that way. If he goes ahead and cheats on you again now, would you be less hurt because you've also cheated? Or would you feel twice as hurt as last time, because he cheated twice, and then you will cheat again because you now have some "right" to do so? It honestly does not hurt less the second or third or fourth time someone cheats. It hurts all the same. Having been cheated on "only once" does not mean you hurt any less than someone who's been cheated on twice. The circle needs to end. No one gains anything from you two just trying to get even with cheating on each other.
Own your actions, and take your punishment like a grown woman. Accept his reaction and his decision, whatever it might be. Realize that you do not deserve forgiveness, nor does he owe you forgiveness. Cheating is cheating, no matter who "started it".
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (14 July 2015):
 TELL him. That you do regret the mistake, but that you find his attitude and double standard baffling.
My guess is HE presumed you would have LEARNED from HIS stupid mistake (kissing another girl) and never do it yourself. OR he presume that girls should know better and never make mistakes...
Either way you should tell him and I would also tell him that using "silent treatment" as his way to punish you isn't fair either.
I know you say you don't want to break up, but really if you look at the relationship AS IT STANDS right now... what do you have? An entitled pissed off BF who is WITHHOLDING affection and communication in order to punish you (for something HE did too).
I think you also need to realize that a mistake is one thing - but blaming your actions on "alcohol" or whatnot is not a very mature approach. Drinking alcohol doesn't make you forget you have a BF nor did it "make" you kiss another guy.
What you BOTH did is FUCKED up when you are in a relationship. That is the truth. And you should BOTH own your actions. Then either WORK on fixing it.. or move on.
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