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Married women and sex toys. Opinions please....

Tagged as: Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (29 January 2008) 22 Answers - (Newest, 12 August 2012)
A male United Arab Emirates age 41-50, *rabianPrince writes:

I would like to ask women who are married and using toys.

Do you think these toys can substitute your husband? Why do you use them? and would it be possible that woman will get addicted to the toy and enjoy it more than her husband?

I need an honest answers please...

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A female reader, lovelopez United States +, writes (12 August 2012):

lovelopez agony auntWhat it means is, the woman doing the name-calling is too spineless to step up and take responsibility for her own decisions in CHOOSING to sleep with him in order to try and manipulate him into wanting a relationship with her.

Much easier to judge him as a howibble, disrespectful, chauvinistic whatever-you-want than to step up and admit to her 50% side of it.

'A guy treating women like sex toys' is basically the same as any other guy except that he doesn't feel guilty for taking what is freely available. Don't like him? Then don't be so available, laydeez.

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A female reader, maryglen  United States +, writes (22 February 2011):

hi im maryglen . i can tell you what you want know . i dont think you will like what i have to say but it may help you . yes women do get hooked on vibrators . i will tell you why they do . they deliver a stronger more intense climax and with no effort i can have several climaxes that are stronger than a man can produce. its just too easy . its great satisfation and anytime i want it .if you have good sex with her dont go there. you will be sorry .i know you want to know what its like. i have used a vibrator for years now and i love it i cant do without it . but i now cant have what a natural woman has with a man . its just the way it is for every thing you get you give up something think what you might give up .if i were a man i would not put up with my wife doing what i do with a vibrator .men dont know what i know about vibrator climaxes .

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A male reader, Aswellas United States +, writes (2 March 2009):

I am battling the exact same thing that the creator of this topic is. But I think he is completely in denial. I am extremely insecure about the thought of my girl using a vibrator, but i know its not right and I can admit it. I can't stand the thought of her getting addicted to her bullet, thinking about her fantasies(that I can't get her to tell me about), and not needing me for sex to get her off. I know I shouldnt be insecure, 1/2 of me thinks its sexy, kinky, and kinda makes me arroused. At the same time, I feel like somebody ELSE is (in man terms)fucking her or (woman terms) pleasing her and not me and i get turned off and completely shut down. I dont mind the thought of US using something together, but if I am not there, I don't think she ought to use it. We have sex quite often, and I still masturbate often, but I use my hand/fingers...why can't she? Why can't she lick her fingers and go to town? Before we have sex, I lick my fingers, rub on her vagina, make her wet, and hell I can make her orgasm from that in no time. I want her to enjoy sex with me and because we love eachother and I'm man enough to please her rather than her eventually having sex only to please ME b/c maybe she can probably get what she REALLY WANTS later when I'm gone or in the shower or somewhere else. I desperately want to feel ok with this issue so I am open ears for any kind of help. But don't feed me crap justifying it by using the, "but its not replacement for the real thing" card. This is something I beat myself up over.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2008):

I hope the man with the question is still looking at these responses, I may be the first person who will give you an answer you can relate to with your partner. Every woman and man is different when it comes to sex. My husband has a very high libido, he needs sexual release every day. I have a sexual dysfunction, both physical (severe vulvar pain) and psychological (pain induced and control issues) and my libido has always been much lower than his, I only need sexual release occassionally. I am a woman and I currently prefer masterbation than sex with my male partner.

What I think you need to understand is that sex is psychologically different for men than it is for woman, and this difference is what causes most of the conflict over this issue. Women need to feel loved, cared for and sometimes, protected (sometimes without admitting it) to want to have "loving" sex (exciting passionate sex is a different story, but that's not usually the case with a long-term relationship). Men need to have sex in order to feel loved. Here is the rub. If the man isn't doing his bit (which his female partner may not tell him because she can't even articulate it herself) in showing her the affection and protection she craves deep down inside her so there are two conflicts:

1. Most women today cannot admit to themselves they want and need to feel protected by a man because they/we misperceive it as dominance. Now some women get off on dominance openly, but that's why I said everyone is different.

2. If men don't know that their partner secretly wants him to take her in his arms in a passionate, manly, but also tender way, how the hell is he supposed to know what to do?

So that is my theory on your particular problem. Your wife probably wants to feel protected, but not dominated, that you are a man and she is a woman and you are equal but different and by doing that she knows you love her and will want to have sex with you. Then you as a man, feel like a man and feel loved back in return. When this goes awry, as it often does, a woman turns to masterbation as her primary source of sexual release and enjoyment because she can freely fantasize about what she really wants and control the "satsifaction" factor (because men often don't know what they are doing down there).

Now, I am a strong, assertive woman that has been married to the same man for 13 years, I love him and nothing can substitute that. But sex isn't love, it is just one expression of love and intimacy. I have struggled with my inner desire to be protected without being dominated and letting go of that control is really difficult. Maybe just try taking her in your arms one night, without any expectation of sex (because that could be another source of your problem, if you only touch her when you expect sex) and hold her and protect her like a beautiful, delicate flower, filled with love and strong, manly protection. Tell her you love her, you'll never leave her and that you'll always be there to take care of her. It might take some time, but I'm guessing if your patient, the beautiful cycle of a woman feeling loved and protected wants sex and man needing sex feels loved in return, then you will be in sexual harmony.

Now, don't expect her to give up her toys, sometimes people just need to tune into their sexual desires on their own, it will be to your benefit it she does. She won't get addicted, it's just one way human beings express and get in tune with their sexuality.

I hope this helps if your still reading these answers. It is difficult these days, where the lines between what makes a man a man and a woman a woman is so blurry, even in countries where male domination still the norm. But love is giving the other person what they need and they give you what you need in return. That is true love and sexual harmony. But everyone is different when it comes to sex, that's the joy and frustration of it all.

Good luck and love to you.

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A male reader, mrclarity United States +, writes (28 July 2008):

My wife says that she has no desire for sex. But she uses a vibrator often, and she thinks that I do not know. What am I to do? I've brought it up, she says its not me its her, she says sex is grreat, and the attraction is there. So my question is what's the problem.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2008):

Who said that men masterbate and actually like it all the time. I don't think there are too many men who would prefer to masterbate as opposed to having sex a female. I personally don't enjoy masterbation. Sometimes its needed only because the lady lying next to me is not so-called "in the mood". So women please don't lie and say that you enjoy masterbation just like men do. Its a lie!

First of all we can have an orgasm every time we connect with you, whereas you may not. So there is a major difference as to why the different sexes masterbate.

Trust me guys, for allot of these women the toy act as a replacement for us. Behind all their insecurities and anxieties about weight, pregnancy, and independance....vibrators are empowering.

But the sad thing is that they will never admit it.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2008):

my gf just bought a dildo last week and i cant stop thinking about it. And i am certain seh will get addicted. i think these things can potentially create problems in a relationship. Its simple. Anytime you add a 3rd into a sexual relationship you invite a problem.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2008):

My wife and I have been married for over 20 yrs. Over the last 3 to 4 yrs. she has had a very low libido and we may have sex maybe once every 4 months. Before all this started we made love at least twice a week and she never had a problem with orgasm, but now she very rarely reaches orgasm during sex.

I have notice over the last 6 months that she has been using a vibrator for self pleasure, but our sex life has not changed.

After talking to her about her sex drive, she still claims to have no desire for sex but wouldn't openly admit to using a vibrator. When her health ins. starts up in May she plans to go to the doctor to get on some type of bio-hormones. Until then I will just continue to use my hand.

My question is do women with no desire for sex(low libido) still masterbate? if yes, then how does being horny and pleasuring her self relate to low libido and no sex drive?

Any opinions or suggestions would be very helpful.

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A female reader, korculan queen Australia +, writes (1 February 2008):

I was married unhappily never used a toy he wouldn't let me. Am happily divorced and steadily dating someone who does not live with me so I use toys pearl bird is my favourite and like me some women get off from vaginal stimulation, others from clitoral stimulation. I am of the latter variety and I use my toy when I feel horny and he is not here. Better than going out and cheating and no stds. The downside is my toy can't lick me like my man can. MMMMMMMMMMM So there are good things and bad things about toys and no I don't think you could get addicted to toys because if you used them every day twice a day you would end up with nerve damage. If your wife wants to use a toy then don't get jealous get curious and maybe even watch or join in. A toy is no match for a talented tongue and organ. Toys are simply another way that women can get off just like you guys with your kleenex tissues and your hand. There are also masturbating for gloves for men, penis rings, blow up dolls etc. Take your wife to a sex shop one day and spice it up.

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A male reader, ArabianPrince United Arab Emirates +, writes (31 January 2008):

ArabianPrince is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I am not insecure, as a matter of fact, my girl loves me and enjoys sex with me. We have sex all the time after 10 years, and every time is like the first time. she orgasms in 1 minute or 2 most of the times, and the love between us keeps everything hot. She almost fainted one time while we were hugging cause we met after 2 weeks of being apart due to work assignment.She also orgasmed while giving me oral only, so we have no problem with insecurity.

I am just curious only about other women...and thought that if a woman finds her husband has an artificial vagina that vibrates or heats in his drawer she will surely gets upset..., so why when i asked this question about men...you think I am insecure?!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2008):

I have been married for 16 years and for years had a much lower sex drive than my husband. He actually bought me my first vibrator and it helped a lot!! I learned how to relax and let the orgasm just happen. I was always to tense about if i would or not because it made him much happier if i did. We use it together all the time. It could never replace my husband though. I don't know about other women but my favorite part of sex is feeling my husband throbbing and pulsing and seeing his face. A toy could never give me that. I do use it occasionally alone especially to get myself in the mood so i can jump him when he gets home. he loves this, i have asked him. It should be easy for you to tell if someone prefers a toy or you. just like its easy to tell if a man prefers porn to the real thing. Don't let insecurity get in way of something that could be fun for both of you. They do have toys for men also. vibrating rings are geat.My husband loves them!Do some shopping on the internet together.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2008):

My wife and I totally agree with birdynumnums and TasteofIndia. We do the same thing.

I think that you believe a number of things that are not correct. You say that men do not masturbate if there is a woman around. I have to disagree. When I was in my 30s and 40s, I had a very high sex drive. I wanted it 3 or 4 times a day, while my wife was happy with once or twice. Sometimes she was not in the mood for a couple of days and I respected her wishes. I helped myself during those times on occasion. I can't be the only guy who has done that. By the way, our sex was great anytime we did it, which was 6 to 10 times a week.

You say that women get addicted to these and use them even when the husband is around. I don't think that it is an addiction. It is just pleasure by themselves and there is nothimg wrong with that. Why should men have all the fun? I'd bet that most women use it when their husband is with them. Their husbands probably use it on them. We have a variety of vibrators and I sometimes use one of them on my wife when I give her oral sex. She can have multiple orgasms without the help of the toy, but it just makes them a bit better. She does not use them by herself, but I wouldn't care if she did. I'd probably get turned on just watching her. Using a vibrator on her while I give her oral is just as exciting for me as it is for her. I greatly enjoy the extra intense orgasm that she has. I suppose some women can get addicted, but probably only if their husband is not a good lover and is not satisfying them.

I certainly don't vibrate like the toys, but if my wife had a choice, she would choose me over any vibrator. Believe me, I just asked her. :) If she had wanted sex as much as me years ago, I would have never used my own hand. Since I am over 60 now, I save all I can get for her and never masturbate by myself. I didn't get addicted. It was just a sexual relief when I couldn't get it from her or we didn't have the time for real sex. Women won't get addicted any more easily. Good sex, including kissing, snuggling, oral and intercourse can take well over an hour. Masturbation can be over with in a few minutes. When both people work or have kids, sometimes there is just not enough time for the preferred method of sexual satisfaction.

For the person who said that there are no male toy equivalents; there most certainly are. Google fleshlight. They also make those with vibrators included. There are also pumps, both with and without vibrators. You just don't find them in Spencer's in the mall.

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A male reader, ArabianPrince United Arab Emirates +, writes (30 January 2008):

ArabianPrince is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you anonymous for your point of view, but I wanted to clear one thing here. We men do not masturbate when we are married and have wife with us. We only do it when she is away for long time, but toys for women has became an addiction from what I hear over the net. I mean women use them even when husband is around.

But let me learn from you married women. What is the best toy to be used without stretching the vagina?...is it true that the rabbit is the best for you? Do women enjoy these toys alone or when used along with the husband? Have you used it secretly before? Or do you always let the man know that you are using it?

Just to satisfy men's curiosity in the forum over this sensitive subject :-)

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2008):

Hi there

I'm married with two children and my husband and I have a very healthy sex life.

We between us own a wide variety of toys and games to spice things up - and that's exactly what they are for, spicing things up. We use them so that we can learn more about what is preasurable for us both. We don't use them every time we have sex it's more of a 'treat' thing if we know that we have a lot of time to concentrate on foreplay without being interrupted.

I would never prefer a toy to my husband. It's not the same at all. And I can certainly climax without them. Even the orgasm you get from a toy is not the same.

I do use them on my own sometimes, he understands that as much as I understand that he masturbates. I think if you get jealous of toys or see them as a threat you must have a low opinion of your ability to make your partner happy. I know that my husband is not at all worried as it is usually him that buys them and gets them out - often it me that says lets just have us tonight eh.

I hope this dispels a few of the 'myths' surrounding them.

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A male reader, ArabianPrince United Arab Emirates +, writes (30 January 2008):

ArabianPrince is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Sorry to say but I am not convinced with lots of answers here. I mean if I woman gets a vibrating toy, then she could get addicted because her man would never vibrate that way! Meanwhile, she will get used to such vibrations to orgasm which will make her man never enough to stimulate her...right?

I was more convinced with the answers of men...I see more honesty in them...sorry women, but toys have better vibrations and harder erection in case of dildos, so I still think that woman who tries toys will always have satisfaction with toys only....right?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2008):

Only reason a girl will prefer her toy over her man is if her man doesn't know how to please her in the sack. It's that simple. If you can get her off, she'll like to be with you. If you can't... well, that's what the toy is for.

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A female reader, hello1 United Kingdom +, writes (30 January 2008):

hello1 agony auntI don't have any sex toys, I'm still young though so maybe when I'm older and single I will! BUT yes some women can become quite addicted to the toy, I remember reading a question from a man about his wife who only got off using sex toys. But in that case it's time to put the sex toy away and play with your partner more.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2008):

Hi

I got one of these toys for my female partner. It kind of took over in a way which I did not anticipate and I soon became resentful. I now know of others who have had the same experience. There is no doubt as to what she prefers.

To birdynumnums, it is not quite the same as masturbation. You have fingers, I have fingers..........alas, there are no male toy equivalents.

More than a little tact may be needed on the part of the woman delighted with her new toy. Us guys still want to feel good for something!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2008):

I'm not married, but I have been with my boyfriend for over 4 years so I'll give my opinion anyway...

Toys are not a substitute, they are a supplement. I use a vibrator to masturbate with and also my boyfriend and I use it together, he loves to use it on me. The reason I use a vibrator is because it feels good and brings me to climax, I have a hard time orgasming on my own without it. I can't imagine being addicted to it to the point where I'd rather masturbate than have sex... its two totally different experiences. Sex is about a connection, it is more emotional and fun and stimulating in a totally different way.

You have nothing to worry about. Women like to masturbate just as much as men do, so view it in the same light. If she starts turning you down and chooses to masturbate rather than have sex, then you have a problem. Otherwise leave it alone, it's a healthy sexual expression.

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A female reader, TasteofIndia United States + , writes (30 January 2008):

TasteofIndia agony auntHello,

I'm not married, but I have been with my significant other for 2.5 years. I have a sex toy or two, that I like and use. It's CERTAINLY not a substitute for my man. The real thing is what I love, but the toy is a quick fix, an easy way to get off. Sometimes we incorporate my sex toys INTO our play, and that's just loads of fun!

The only way I'd enjoy my toy more than my man is if my man was getting on my nerves that day. Real flesh is best.

xx India

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A female reader, birdynumnums Canada +, writes (29 January 2008):

birdynumnums agony auntIt isn't a substitute for your husband's arms around you. It's the same thing as masturbation is for a guy, and it won't change a woman's desire for her husband in any way. It's just as healthy for a woman to masturbate as it is for a man, and a sex toy is a pretty normal part of most women's sex lives.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2008):

Do you watch porn? Do you ever masturbate. If you do then you clearly know that these types of things can in no way replace a real-life significant other that you love. The same goes for sex toys; they might be fun, but they are in no way better than the real thing.

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