A
female
age
26-29,
sunshine99
writes:I could really do with some advice. I am happily married - or thought I was- until I met this guy at work. He is all I can think about. I have never been tempted to stray at all in my three years of marriage but I am so tempted. I know that if i take this further with this guy at work it will all end in tears, as i know someone always gets hurt in the end and it won't just be my husband. I love my husband but I have feelings for this guy and I am so confused. I know this guy feels the same as he has hinted to me on more than one occasion. Nothing has happened between us as I just can't let it happen but I want it to. I just can't understand why I am so tempted. I feel so guilty for having these thoughts and I haven't even done anything to feel guilty about!. I can't avoid this guy at work, just not possible, but i want him so bad. Maybe i'm not as happy as I thought I was because I wouldn't be having these thoughts or feelings about this other guy if I was truly happy. Help
View related questions:
at work, co-worker Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2008): I'm releived to see how many other people are dealing with the same feelings. My husband and I are about to celebrate our 6th wedding anniversary (10 years together), and have always been very happy and very much in love. Yet recently I met a guy who I've become very attracted to and can't seem to shake these feelings. He's single and has expressed similar attractions, although neither of us has acted on them. Just a few innocent texts and e-mails so far, and even though I know that too should stop, I find myself overcome with excitement whenever I hear from him. My husband is amazing and everyone jokes about us being the "perfect couple" so I would never do anything to harm him or our relationship, but I feel overcome with emotions right now. Why do I feel so attracted to another man if I'm happily married? I wonder if it's just the excitement of male attention, although I will admit that I'm an attractive woman and this is nothing new, so how is this instance different? I even find myself thinking about him during sex with my husband lately, which engulfs me with guilt afterwards, even though I've not done anything physically wrong. One of my husband few flaws (if you can call it that) is that our libidos are completely backwards... he's fine with once ever few days while I'm ready 24-7. Isn't that backwards?? And I always feel crushed when he's "not in the mood", and these are usually the times when I start fantasizing about alternatives. (Sigh.) I'm afraid I don't have any advice to give as it seems I'm in the same situation. Hopefully we both can remember our marital commitments and steer clear of temptation, but why does it have to be so damned hard...
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2008): I can't help but am amazed so many of you have this same problem. I've been married just over a year and have doubted my relationship both before and after getting married. There was such a rush when we got together and besides the regular incidents that arise things have been okay.
Now that we are living together and past the honeymoon phase (sadly), reality has sunk in. I'm married to a woman who loves most things I don't and very little that I do!!! Rather then enjoying the same interests we argue over everything and each admit we enjoy being apart.
All of this is even worse since I have had feelings for a coworker since she came into the picture a year and a half ago.
She's not perfect but we hang out together (with my wife and alone), go to the gym, dinner, etc... There have been questions from coworkers and my wife says she doesn't care just that I can't sleep with her in our bed! I pretend it's all nonsense and like I don't care but I think about her all the time and put alot of effort into not acting on the chemistry we have.
I agree that it's best not to cheat but when do you say it's over to your wife and start looking at the options you had before you got married. I've never cheated on anyone but have been cheated on and now am torn between what I have and what I want.
To those in this position I wish you all the best and whatever you decide make the decisions like an adult not an adulterer...
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2007): Wow, I am so happy to find all of you with a similar situation...I too find myself attracted to a co-worker of mine. We are both married and don't want to jeapordize our home lives. We are great friends at the office and get along amazingly. More recently it has been more and more flirtatious to the point where he has admitted to me that he has feelings for me. We both agree that we love being together and had we both been single we would for sure date. He did attempt to kiss me but I didnt let it happen and have been feeling completely guilty. Its strange to be in this situation, I never expected to develop feelings for another man after being married. But I agree that its the rush of attraction and feeling wanted that gets you going. I really enjoy it yet I know that its wrong.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2007): I am so impressed by the humanity of all the answers to your dilemma. No-one has been judgemental, and everyone has advised you to not to give into temptation. I emailed this website because I too am in a similar situation. My marriage ironically is the happiest it's been for years and yet I find myself strangely attracted to an older man who on the face of it has very little to recommend him. Except that he appears to fancy me. And that's it - it's the sense of being seen again as attractive, sexually desirable, having someone want you. IN a marriage however good that's a feeling that's going to disappear. Plus there's usually at least some stress in the work place, we dress up to go there which all adds to a heady concoction.
I think the advice to treat it as a lust crush is right. My flirtation is nothing but a few sidelong glances and a sense of mutual chemistry - I don't even know his name - he just sits nearby in an office we've recently moved into. For me imagining him having a name I don't like, or the tears of my children and husband if I did anything about it keep my feet on the ground for now. I hope its enough to keep me on the straight and narrow.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2007): I am in a similar situation, only in the early stages. I have been married for 8 years (together for 11) to a fabulous man. His only downfall is that he is not very romantic.
I started a new job this past year, and found myself becoming friends and hanging out with a married male co-worker. Our office is small, usually only about 12 people in the office at a time. We go out to lunch several times a week, not always alone.
Recently, I have been traveling, and we have been talking over IM. These conversations have taken on a risque banter, talking about what each other is wearing and even discussing what is crossing the line.
I am the first to admit that it gives me a rush, but I also am guilt ridden over it. I love my husband, and have no intention of physically cheating. Nor do I think that my co-worker is interested in taking it any further. I just feel like I have already cheated by the tone of the conversations that I have had.
So my advise, don't do it. Talk to your husband, spice it up, maybe even find a way to flirt with him. That is probably all you need to keep your marriage going.
...............................
A
female
reader, LVW +, writes (5 June 2007):
Well, the fact that I'm posting my thoughts should tell you I'm in the same space; after all, I arrived here by 'googling' my dilemma, and I am thankful for the thoughts I've read posted so far. In such situations, there can be truly no one else to whom one can turn without fear of reprisal.
My husband is much younger than I am, gorgeous, and we're very happy together. When I look into his eyes, there is no place I'd rather be. We're soulmates.
The man with whom I'm flirting mutually is married, as well, but closer to my age and experiences. If there can be two soulmates for a person in life, this man is mine. We're in a limerent-limerent flirtation. I think of him too often, I speak of him too often, and I'm unhappy at work when I don't see him. It's killing my ability to concentrate, although initially, it had the opposite effect.
I don't think I realised how serious it was becoming until he asked me to lunch. It was the way he did it: he ensured that no one would overhear our conversation, and he had the look of a boy about to steal a cookie from a jar! I can't rid my mind of this image, and it's been a turning point, I think. I haven't gone to lunch with him, or anywhere else, for that matter.
My husband shall never know of this, because he's made it clear, in the past, that anything that may 'happen' isn't something he wants to know about. I'm not sure how happy that response makes me, but at least he was honest.
When I'm away from the office and my mutual limerent, things go back to normal, after a few days, in terms of my feelings (by normal, I mean my husband is my primary interest). Although I want truly not to hurt my limerent, my first obligation is to my husband: he's my soulmate, and he has been steadfast; what's more, I'm yet entirely in love with him, and I imagine I shall be always.
I don't think there are any easy answers when such things happen. I suppose if one is lucky enough to have the mutual limerent simply 'stop' flirting when you try so to do, and without the necessity of an uncomfortable and soul-bearing 'chat', that would be great; then again, I've never had the experience before, and since I've only stopped responding to flirtation over the past several days, I don't know if this shall succeed without some sort of confrontation.
Unfortunately, I'd not dare give advice beyond the sharing of my own strife at this moment. We have to blaze our own paths in life and live with the consequences of our own choices. It's not always pretty, but it's ours for what it's worth. If it shall help, I'm happy to keep you posted on the end result of my experience: it's the best I can do.
Once again, many thanks for the thoughts posted by all. It has helped my perspective. Best wishes to you, Sunshine99!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2007): I was literally in the exact same situation as you three months ago. Married three years, absolutely happy... then started a new job and I met someone at work and fell hard, so hard. He's married too and at first it was just innocent flirtation... then it went further. It just ended because it can't go anywhere and we are never going to end our marriages... but I'm torn apart, because I fell for him hard. So, so so hard... i can't stop thinking about him. And I've never looked sideways at a man the whole time I've been with my husband. The guilt is crushing... for both of us, yet we couldn't stop ourselves.
I will never ever tell my husband- it would devastate him. If you go for it, do be prepared for tears. I've cried all night tonight. But I will be honest with you- I wouldn't change the last three months. I know it's wrong and the guilt physically hurt me- but I still wouldn't take back what happened between us. Now I've got to get over it and move on. But this kind of thing happens- and it happens when you least expect it.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2007): please please dont do it. You know, exactly the same happened to me 2years ago, I was in a longterm relationship thigs were going really well and I fell for a guy at work. I did stray, and needless to say it ended in him falling totally inlove with me and I didnt feel the same way about him! I realised that it was lust rather than love and was really not worth all the heartache it cause for him, me, and more importantly the totally inocent party my boyfriend.
The work place is one of the main places things like this happen, and its because you spend most of your days with the people there, so you cant really help getting close to some of them. But, its not worth taking it any further.
Like you say you are happily married! you married your guy for a reason, hope this helps xxx
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2007): I'm certain what your feeling is probably a crush, I have been married for ten years and all marriages go through spells when they are problematic, boring etc. I had once thought myself of straying and chose not too, however over Christmas my husband did stray, he had a one night stand with a colleague and it has destroyed us. I am so glad I chose the options that I did and chose not to act on what was a crush, months later the feelings faded and I now know how it feels to be cheated on....PLEASE dont put your husband through that. Take some time to concentrate on your husband, do something different, have a night away, turn the tv off and open a bottle of wine. Spend your energy on your husband and not this crush...IT WILL BE WORTH IT I CAN ASSURE YOU X X take care
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2007): . . . Need I mention, you made a promise to your husband! Time for you to put your wants aside and do the RIGHT THING!!!
...............................
A
male
reader, sleepyhollow  +, writes (26 May 2007):
Temptation to stray is normal. As people we are of two minds. We are both a creature of mind and animal.
What you're feeling are the baser instincts of your animal half. Women accuse men of only listening to our primal instincts, but women are no different. There was a study done on female infidelity and it was discovered that maybe as many as one out of three children in the United States are not the biological children of the men who raise them, although I think the number is probably lower than that. Yet that is the high end estimate based on a statistical analysis of the data.
In other words, you're not alone in your problem. Other women have given in and been weaker than they should've been. Be strong. Be strong for yourself and your own conscience, as well as for your husband.
If you're in a good marriage with a good man who doesn't beat you, abuse you in any way, and who loves you - then don't screw it up because you're feeling urgings to fool around with someone else. And if you decide that the urgings are too strong for you to resist, divorce your husband and then go do what you please. You'll probably end up unhappy and regretting your decision, but it is your life. Don't screw up your husband's life by cheating on him and then having to live with a dishonest marital relationship.
And think back to what you remember of your single days. Do you remember complaining about how hard it was to find a good man? If you've married one, then there's no reason to go looking for another... And I can guarantee you that any man that wants a woman to cheat on her marriage is NOT a good man. In point of fact, he's looking for a little bit of uncommitted sex with a woman who has too much to lose if she leaves her husband. I bet the other women in your workplace have already told you about this co-worker of yours, and you've probably refused to believe their allegations that he's something of a player player (translation: man slut).
Or, even if he's not a player player yet, his willingness to participate in compromising your integrity and honor is a good sign that he's still not a good man.
...............................
A
male
reader, kenny + ♥, writes (26 May 2007):
 So many affairs and relationships stem from the workplace. The reality is we spend and average of eight hours each and every day working alongside co-workers, which is more time than we spend with our partners.
I know what you are feeling, i feel as if i am drawn to a colleague of mine, she is married and i am single. We work really closly together and i find myself thinking about her all the time, although i do have respect that she is married.
If you feel that this is a short lived crush then just let it die down naturally. But if in your heart you think this could be more i think you owe it to you husband to be honest and don't go behind his back and be unfaithful. Honesty is the best policy, im sure you would want your husband to tell you if he was in love with someone else.
But be 100% sure, don't throw away a marriage over a silly crush and regret your decision further down the line.
Good luck x
...............................
|
