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female
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*ookemhorns
writes: I have been married for 15 years to my highschool sweetheart and have a great marriage and we have to small kids under 7. I love him with all my heart and could not imagine a life with out him. But, there is a guy who I work with alot and I had a dream about him of a sexual nature. I am very attracted to him. When i am around him I get butterflies in my stomache, like a highschool girl. I have seen him sometimes checking me out and when I make eye contact with him he turns away. Our jobs require us to talk a few time a day on the phone and email and sometime we have meetings and the last one I was in with him I had to sit right next to him. I could not stop checking him out either. i did notice he was very figity. What was that suppose to mean. He is about 6 years younger than me and has a girlfriend and he knows I am married. I don't know what the thoughts I am having about him mean? When I am "with" my husband I often imagine I am with this guy from work. Help me. I know it is wrong but it makes me feel so good and alive at the thoughts of this other guy. I do not believe I would ever let something happen with this other guy. But, I have never been put in a situation that something could have happened. Help me. What does all this mean? Am i ceating or just thinking about cheating?
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male
reader, [email address blocked] +, writes (14 January 2006):
I have a very similar situation, although I am a male and my boss is also a man and married. Constantly there is flirting and coy gestures, etc. I don't appreciate hearing from an agony aunt that this is a self-centered exercise. Feelings like these are profound and meant to be taken seriously. Creative energy is mysterious and we would be arrogant to believe that we understand it and can manage it when it sweeps us up. Love and passion are nothing if not divine. We should be so lucky to feel these things. I certainly don't go out looking for trouble or illicit affairs. What I do understand is how important it is to engage in love. I think that our conception of what context love and passion can be experience is very limited in our culture. The notion of shame is immediately attached to experiences of passion outside our official marriages. I suggest that you rent the Katherine Hepburn movie, "Summertime". It is a wonderfully affirmative story about two people exploring their desires. It's all filmed in Venice, which makes a perfect backdrop for their complex emotional discoveries. For myself, I am determined to have a dialogue with my boss. We are good friends already, and last night I told him that my feelings are like that of someone having a crush on another person. He thought that was charming and we both agreed that our professional relationship is broader than usual and includes emotional intimacy. The bottom line is that emotional intimacy is beautiful and should be cultivated when offered. This is something that can last since we know how quickly sexual intimacy evaporates. Perhaps having a fresh dialogue with your co-worker that focuses on your shared feelings is worthwhile. I feel a lot better having opened up a platform for my boss and I to have a dialogue on. Don't be embarassed to admit that you may have a crush on someone. They will probably be very flattered by that. As long as you don't present your feelings like they are making any demands on the other person. It shows great maturity to come forward to another person about your vulnerabilities. I told myself that I would not preconceive where my relationship will go, and that I will allow myself the opportunity to enjoy the vitality it gives me. Only when I obsess do I feel drained by the relationship. This obsession is controlled when I share my thoughts, mostly because I want to be honest towards the other person. I thoroughly enjoy people who are the victims of passion. What better thing to be ruined by than greed, gluttony, pride or ambition? Remember, it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. We would have a much healthier society if we respected passion and treated our lives as works of art -- part mystery and part logic.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2006): You're not cheating on your husband. I have been in the same position. You should probably be thinking about ways to wake up the relationship you've got with your husband. It's natural to feel attracted to others. Before we were ever spouses, we were people. We're geared to feel these urges. What you do with them desides your integrity though.Don't let your husband know about your feelings. He will feel hurt and inadequate. He's probably had the same feelings. How would you like to have known about them. You can't compete with feelings because they are just that, feelings. Nothing more, nothing less.
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A
female
reader, hookemhorns +, writes (13 January 2006):
hookemhorns is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOur sex life is pretty good 2 to 3 times a week. Multiple O's evertime.I think the excitement and danger in the possibility of cheating adds to my thoughts of this guy.Yes i am scared of being put to the test. Thank You.
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A
male
reader, Dazzerg  +, writes (13 January 2006):
 Thankfully thought-crime doesn't exist in society. I prefer to narrow the definition of cheating to an actual action. Your heart is obviously with your husband which is good. Our primal urges are different things to the stirrings of our soul. Sometimes the two conflict and that is what we have here.
Are you scared about being put to the test? Maybe the danger of the situation is also something you find arousing. Maybe you could focus on spicing up your sex life with your husband, doing new things. This would hopefully ignite the flames of desire and focus them on your husband.
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