A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am struggling in my marriage. Only been married going on three years, but I'm in love with my first love and have never stopped. I moved from my home town when I was 17, but always went back for the summers. Anytime I have struggled he's been there. I went back home this weekend for a funeral of one of our close friends and I didn't want to leave. Him and I have always picked up right where we have left off. Sad part is I have a great husband who works hard to provide for our family and he loves me so very much. I'm just torn, when I'm with my ex I am so happy and laugh and can be myself...when I'm with my hubby I just go through the motions. This weekend woke me up when we lost our friend on just how short life is. I'm really struggling but know that I have to handle things the right way with all the parties involved. Its just so hard!
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2011): This is indeed a very tricky situation and I know exactly what ur going through since im in the same shoes.. well what i am doing now is to try make my marriage more fun. I treat my hb out or jst go to the beach or somthing.. im gonna do this until i still can do something to work it out.
but I also believe girl that life is too short not to be "completely happy". Now im trying to make everthing to work this marriage out and if i get to the point that its really not making me as happy as i think i should be then i MIGHT resort on something else like leaving my hb but of course telling him honestly why. If still by that time my ex is still there and my feelngs are still there then w/o second thoughts ill jump into my long dreamed happiness. If his no longer around by then, ill just go fix myself up and make sure next love would be my happiness.
well thats my game plan.. so far though my confusion is still there. I just tell myself to stick into the plan and do everything to make the marriage work for now.
My ex is still in my mind and i dont think thats cheating because obviously its not like you want it be like that or you planned it. Its just there and mind you the more you push it away and not accept his sticking in ur heart for good the more it will consume u. Basic rule says that u can never control an addiction or feelings for that matter unless u willingly acknowledge its existence.
Good luck!X
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2011): OP u need to realise that an emotional affair is just as devastating as a sexual one.
as for "using" your hb - it is not only about finances, it is his life, his time and his energy. you are basically stealing his Life!
look at your marriage........you have disinvested in it a long time ago.
there is a reason why an "ex" is an "ex".
I agree with Spinnaker : "...I would say be very careful with this and do not slip in to the trap where you confide in this man things that you should be confiing in the person whom you married...." This is called the " emotional whore" concept, where you replace your spouse with another person, where u share your dreams, aspirations, your fears, your marital woes, your life choices with this other person.
LoveGirl
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSpinnaker,
I agree with all that you've said. That's what my mind tells me, but my heart tells me something else. I know that I'm close to an emotional affair, if not already there, and I know how hard that is for a spouse to compete with. It's not fair to him, and I'm trying to get myself to the point where I'm a lot stronger and move on in life. Thanks again so much for listening, and responding. I appreciate your post!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your input LoveGirl, I'm sorry but maybe I didn't communicate my situation like I should. I have never 'cheated' on my husband with my ex. I keep those feelings deep inside. I don't have a physical relationship with my ex, only in a group setting do we ever see each other, and it's not a physical thing. If anything it's like Spin said and it would be an emotional affair. I would never cross that line into an intimate relationship with my ex, as long as I'm married. Also, I am not using my husband, yes he provides for us, but so do I. We both work full time and I actually make more money then he does, I could do this on my own, if that's the path that we end up taking. As for using him, that's not the problem, because I provide him with all the support and companionship that I can. It's just a hard situation for me right now because my heart feels like I gave it away many years ago, and never got it back. Thanks for your post.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2011): I appreciate your opinion, although I have not 'cheated' on my husband or been intimiate with my ex, since we split up. We have shared memories in a group setting and enjoyed visiting, but never cross the line. If it's been anything, it would be what the first person said an emotional affair. I have not used my husband, because we both are 50% when it comes to everything in our family. He provides for us, but I do too. You can be blunt, it's fine with me, I just need to get the story straight as far as cheating. I haven't, I keep the feelings I have inside and would never cross the physical line, unless my husband and I were no longer married. Thank you for your post!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2011): cheating is NEVER a right thing.
if u just cannot remain faithful to your good providing hb then u need to release him. you have used your hb all this while to provide for you yet you are deceitful by being with your ex.
it is about time u tell your hb about your involvement with your ex. allow your hb the chance to find a good, decent woman who will love him for him, and not someone who has used him all this while.
sorry to be blunt but i think u need to see what u have done.
LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, spinnaker +, writes (3 August 2011):
 One never forgets the first love.
Remember that you have made a choice to be married to your husband. The only reason why you are going through the motions is because you have detatched somewhat from your husband and those feelings you should be sharing with him you are sharing with your ex - simply because it is a warm familiar place.
There is a thing as an emotional affair and you are dangerously close to having one.
In any other context you and this man's relationship would be healthy and refreshing - we all need trusted friends and our spouses can not be all things to us. HOWEVER, considering that you did explore romance with this person and things were backed away from romance at one time, there is a chance those long dormant sentiments can be igniited once again.
I would say be very careful with this and do not slip in to the trap where you confide in this man things that you should be confiing in the person whom you married.
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