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Married but have found a FWB relationship

Tagged as: Marriage problems, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (23 July 2009) 14 Answers - (Newest, 28 July 2009)
A female United States age 41-50, *is kitten writes:

I have been married for MANY MANY years. Last year, my husband and I decided to separate, but to stay together as room mates for while due to finances. I found a married man and started an affair with him. My husband decided that he wanted to stay married afterall. He has NO IDEA about my affair.I love my husband very much, but he NEVER is sexually active with me. In fact, right after he begged me to stay with him he gave me some of the most incredible sex for two days. Now, NOTHING!! He is fully aware that I want to be intimate with him and that I am deeply hurt by his lack of love (sex). My married man has not been with me for several months. He is now going thru a divorce, yet, has a girlfriend. He is wanting to hook up with me again. Our time has always been just about the two of us having fun...our personal lives aside. I have plans to meet him tomorrow. I do not want to divorce my husband, but want to see my MM for the one thing that is missing in our marriage. Any thoughts on this? Please be honest, yet respectful. I have big girl panties on so I can take it, yet, please don't be rude.

Thanks

View related questions: affair, divorce, has a girlfriend, married man, roommate

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A female reader, Renee okc United States +, writes (28 July 2009):

I am not going to judge you, we all have are reason's for the things that we do as long as you have thought about what you will lose if you continue on with this affair. I feel where you are coming from you have needs and if you have tried talking to him and are not getting any response then I guess you have to take your chances and see what happens. I don't agree with everything you have said but I do understand you are human and you have needs. Please be careful and protect yourself and don't get caught up in anyone's drama.

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A female reader, His kitten United States +, writes (23 July 2009):

His kitten is verified as being by the original poster of the question

angelic09bitch...not sure I follow what you mean....sorry.

Thanks for everyones input...I plan on seeing my friend tomorrow morn. I tried tonight to coax my hubby to no avail. I told him it was very important to me...no go. I will keep my marriage, and see my friend on occassion to relieve the tension...

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A female reader, elizzy United States +, writes (23 July 2009):

This is just a thought but maybe he should seek the advice of a doctor. I don't mean counseling but an actual doctor. Maybe there is more going on with him than what meets the eye. He sounds like he wants to hang on to you and at the same time might have had an inkling that you were moving on sexually and to keep you, he knew what he must do. If he won't speak to a doctor, maybe you should to find ways of moving past his problem. I know most men around this age can tend to slow down in the sex department and it could also mean a sort of depression, mid-life crisis type thing. My suggestion, have him speak with his doctor, and if he won't you try. It might just be the cure to his problem. Hope this helps you!!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2009):

To all the women who honestly believe a married man IS NOT having sex with his wife you are tripping. He is dishonest,not only to his wife but to you. Has his wife told you,or HIM? Anyone can tell people what they want to hear and believe. Convince yourself you only want sex,convince yourself its because you dont want a full blown relationship. Give him an ultimatum, you will then see where and who he wants to be with. If you have your needs,theres enough single men who are not choosy. You know where its heading.

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A female reader, His kitten United States +, writes (23 July 2009):

His kitten is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Red Green...thank you for another angle. I would love to tell him and get his blessing, but it would tear him apart. I deep down inside believe that if I DID get caught, he would still stay with me. I also know that he would not approve of me openly seeing someone else.

Thank you anonymous...I do not want to leave him. He is fine in every aspect, except my sex life. Like my last post said....I want to stay married, but have a playmate too. If my husband did find out, I know he would be deeply hurt but stay...and then I would be of course not trusted and with NO SEX again...

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A female reader, His kitten United States +, writes (23 July 2009):

His kitten is verified as being by the original poster of the question

GrimmReality...no, I do not think that people have to be RUDE when giving an answer that I NEED TO HEAR...and so I do not consider you answer rude, even though you may think it is. And in no way was I asking for people to tell me what they think I WANT TO HEAR...just honesty and respect. That said...

As far as seeking counseling...I have gone on my own before, then later went with him (and he said he will NEVER do that again...), and I have actually considered going again alone...

I can't tell my husband about the affair. When he thought he was losing me, he was very torn. I KNOW that if I confessed, I know WITHOUT A DOUBT, that he would want to keep me...and all that I would accomplish is giving him pain.

I just want to keep him, and have a playmate... I know my vows are for better or for worse...yet he is NOT providing part of his bargain either!!!!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2009):

Well like it or not sex is an important part of a relationship . I'm involved with a married man now and his wife will go months at a time without having sex with him . I know your probably confused but you need to figure out what it is that you want . You could lose it all if you get caught but we all have need's . Talk to your husband and be honest with him . Tell him you want to be with him but need to work on the physical part of the relationship . If he still won't satisfy your need's then reconsider staying with him .

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A male reader, Red Green 0289 United States +, writes (23 July 2009):

Ok, here's another opinon - one I've not seen yet. People stay married for a variety of reasons. You both say that you don't want to divorce, you want more sex, and enjoy no strings attached sex - he doesn't seem to want any...

Your situation seems prime for an understanding where you put him on notice that you require a sex life beyond your marraige, that you still love him, but understand that he's not interested in fullfilling your needs. You descreatly, with his knowledge (but NOT in his face) find another (or others) to quietly fulfill your needs.

You two continue to live together, share a home, share bills, live your life. You, descreatly, go out, have your fun, occasionally stay out for the night, occassionally take weekend trips or week long vacations without him. He needs to know your safe, healthy and coming home. You need not share details with him, but be honest.

It's not OK to leave him home wondering where you are or if your safe... and you don't need to go into ANY details, that is unless you two work out some other agreement.

While many may not agree with this arrangement, it's between you two and private. You'll be telling the truth when you tell boyfreinds that "my husband is OK with this..."

Good luck, and I hope that you can find a good balance.

PS: If anyone suggests swinging as a solution, I seriously recommend against it as it would be completly unfair to the other couple(s). No need to add drama to this.

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A female reader, His kitten United States +, writes (23 July 2009):

His kitten is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I understand that this is adultery. And I understand that this affair can be a very short lived thing. I am prepared for that. It is truly just for sex. My husband used to be a tyrant and we have been thru counseling, etc. When we were TRULY going to separate, I suppose that he sensed that I REALLY WAS moving on. I was LESS THAN ENTHUSIASTIC about staying together, but for the sake of the kids and years together, I decided to try. He has ended up being so nice in all ways EXCEPT our sex life. He knows full well it bothers me alot that he wont have sex. I think he thinks it is his health...high blood pressure, etc. Yet, he wont try to make anything better health wise. Also, I wonder how in the world, when he thought he was losing me, did he perform like he did? It was as exciting as when we were first married, yet so much better, because we knew each others bodies so well. If he can perform like that then, why not more? I have been waiting for 9 months and NOTHING! And before that, about a year. In fact, in the last 4 years, besides the two incredible times, we had sex maybe 3 or 4 times. I am in my EARLY 40s and he is in his EARLY 50s. It has been years since we have had it regularly. All I want is to have sex once in awhile. Is that so bad to ask for??? So my FWB could provide that for me.....

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A male reader, GrimmReality United States +, writes (23 July 2009):

GrimmReality agony auntWhen people say "please no criticism" or "please don't be rude" they want someone to tell them what they WANT TO HEAR.

Nope, this is what you NEED TO HEAR.

For you to say that you love your husband but yet are having an affair is just plain delusional. You cant find love in your marriage if you are looking outside of it.

Have you no idea that when you take a vow its for better or worse? and its up to you to communicate and seek counselling and NOT SPREAD YOUR LEGS FOR ANOTHER MAN!

Cheating destroys lives needlessly and it is a cowardly act of the highest magnitude.

I doubt very much marriage counselling would help you at this stage because your excitement level in your post reveals that you would never conceive of such a novel idea.

Be honest with your hubby and yourself. Let him make the choice after you have told him everything. You lost that choice when you made the conscious decision to screw around on your hubby.

So your other man has a GF huh? How does that feel? Please be an adult and tell your hubby. OWN WHAT YOU DID!

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A female reader, Renee okc United States +, writes (23 July 2009):

You need to talk to your husband and ask him what would he suggest you do and then take it from there. You might be surprised by what he tells you and he may eventually agree to let you see other people and this way you don't have to lie and cheat. If he really loves you he will address this issue and you two can figure something out that will work best for the both of you. Just think how hurt he maybe if he found out about your affair (it can happen even when you think no one know's). So put yourself in his shoes and try to work it out first.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2009):

why don't you explain to your husband that you need sex. And ask him why he can't give you that.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2009):

If you want to not divorce your husband than you must stop seeing this other man, simple as that. If your husband won't give you what you need maybe you should suggest going to marriage counseling.

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A male reader, RAINORFIRE United States +, writes (23 July 2009):

RAINORFIRE agony auntNONONO I beleve your comittng adultry you need to take any and all steps to work things out with your husband marriage counseling etc, if you find your still not compatible then divorce but if your just in any relationship for sex it wont last long thing long and carefully about what your doing.

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