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Married, but found my soulmate

Tagged as: Big Questions, Cheating, Family, Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (19 July 2010) 15 Answers - (Newest, 28 July 2010)
A male United States age 51-59, anonymous writes:

i'm a 40yo man...married for 11 years with 3 beautiful children. My wife and I seem to be so far apart on so many levels and I am very unhappy. She is also an alcoholic and I'm extremely worried about the affect this will have on our kids.

Now to add to this situation, I have met someone who I am absolutely crazy for. There is a physical attraction, but it is so much deeper than that. We have kissed, but haven't gone any further. She absolutely takes my breath away. I've been attracted to other women in my life, but I have never felt anything like I feel with her...it's unexplainable and unbelievable. Just typing these words is making me tear up, but not because I'm sad...only because she makes me that happy.

I know in my heart that I am madly in love with her and she is my soulmate. Oh yea, we have only been in this relationship for a little over a week!

I don't know what to do.

View related questions: alcoholic, soulmate

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A female reader, Oregongrl1 United States +, writes (28 July 2010):

I was thinking about your post! and maybe i didn't put enough thought in it? i understand your wife has a problem! and your kids should be your biggest concern: i heard about the woman you are falling for? and your wifes drinking problem. so here goes it. in order to get out of it w/ your childrens safety in hand have your wife committed to where she can get the help for herself and to be a better mother!and if your decision is to not be apart of her life! then that is your decision but what i would do because your children will not understand another woman trying to take mommys place? so why don't you see her but not around the kids until the kids heal from all of this then you can slowly introduce them into it to where they can adjust at their pace. and for yourself, you will feel better that you handled it in the right way! that you will not have any regrets and you can live with yourself. because you did the right thing! just know that your kids come first and so depend on you sounds like mommys not there for them mentally nor phyiscally so you got to be both right now.

Best Wishes!

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A female reader, raiders United States +, writes (20 July 2010):

raiders agony auntIf your wife has a drinking problem try to help her out even if it is for the sake of your children. Focus in trying to help the women you promise to love into getting some kind of help, the last thing in your mind should be hooking up with some girl you just met. How would your children feel to know they have an alcoholic as a mother and there father instead of helping decided to have an affair and leave..no your priority should be your kids. If you do decide to leave than leave but not for another women because in my book that does not make you a man, but a cheater and liar. Poster do the right thing and help her out with or with out you by her side, do it for your children.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2010):

I think the new lady needs to be separated from the issues here.

Your wife is an alcoholic who won't admit to having a problem. This will obviously affect your children. Your priority needs to be to protect you children and get them out of this atmosphere. Perhaps you need to give your wife an ultimatum about the drinking and threaten a divorce if she doesn't stop. Alcohol ruins so many lives and it's not fair to your kids to have to be around an alcoholic parent.

It sounds like you need a divorce, both for your sake and the children. You need to give them a stable atmosphere to live in where alcohol isn't a big factor. This is what you should be working on now as your main priority.

If you really have met your soul mate, well, that is great. BUT you need to sort out your current problems before you take that further. Get a divorce, look out for your kids. Then see how you feel about the new lady.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2010):

You are dealing with alcoholism...not a bad marriage necessarily. ALL the things yo mention are typical of the way an alcoholic treats someone. Did she always have this alcoholism? Did she treat you teh same before she went to boozing? if she once treated you better,and the alcohol changed that, well, then you have identified the real problem. The rest of this (how you feel, the new feelings of love) have nothing to do with teh original problem.

Like I sai, I'm not judging you, and I think most people would understand you walking away from a marriage broken nby alcoholism. But alcoholism is an illness, as is infidelity to an extent. You can both be cured! But only if you want to. Who's to say this new woman wont drink, or wont get cancer, or wont get in a car crash leaving her paralyzed (God forbid all of those). The point being, love is entire. You cannot just love people when the winds are calm and days are sunny. THe real test of a great love is how you react and cope with hardship and challenge. This is your test. You can take it, pass it, fail or quit the class and move on. Whatever you do, do it with absolute certainty. At the very least, give this new relationship time before you decide to leave your marriage. I firmly disagree with these people who insist on divorcing first, asking questions later. Sometimes you need to find yourself. If you find a better love in this new woman, and the marriage is irrevocably broken, then you should move on. But a week is not enough to know. I dont reccomend having an affair, but it might be OK to see this woman as a friend. If she really cares about your situation, she'll wait.

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A female reader, xanthic United States +, writes (20 July 2010):

xanthic agony auntAn intervention might be necessary, at least for your childrens' sake. The marriage seems beyond repair, so get a divorce and move on. No one here is going to give you permission to move on to someone else while you're still married. Is there a particular reason why you haven't filed for divorce yet?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2010):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Okay...I guess I deserve most of those comments. However, let me rephrase my last post. I have been a very supportive husband to my wife of 11 years. She has shown all the symptoms of alcoholism and continues to get worse every year. But, she will not admit she has a problem. She admits she "likes her wine". She usual drinks at least 1.5L a day or more. Now I have been by her side and never, ever have I ever blamed her drinking or her behavior for anything. I know if I tell her I think she has a problem she will drink more just out of spite. She is a very angry person, admits she is a bitch and doesn't care what other people think, and has always put herself first in our relationship. I have always been very passive, but I have been trying very hard to maintain some sort of a healthy relationship. She has told me things in the past such as, she doesn't like the way I kiss, she doesn't get turned on easily (although admits being very turned on by a past boyfriend everytime he came near her), she has told me she hates me (although it was during an arguement there was never an apology), I've given here everything I could possibly give her, but it's never quite enough. She wants more money, bigger house, better car, etc.

I am not perfect...I have faults just like everyone else, but I'm at the point I can't hardly stand it anymore. I have a stressful job and come home to an even more stressed house until she has had a few drinks and when it becomes too many the anger comes out.

I'm not wandering around looking for some other person to fill the void...I'm not searching for a substitute to feed something I'm not getting at home.

After 11 years of better or worse there doesn't seem to be any better anymore. I will not maintain my health because of the amount of stress she is putting in our home.

I met a person and I can tell you she doesn't is an amazing person. I don't sit and cry about my "problems"...I don't want to throw everything away for her...I AM thinking about my family first and my kids. We've tried couseling, the church, friends...all had the same outcome. My wife thinks they are all wrong with their opinions and says she doesn't need to change for anybody.

So, now...more of the blanks are filled in. I am struggling for answers and I can't hardly stand coming home to my wife. How can you help someone who absolutely admits she doesn't need help.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2010):

Alcoholism is a disease...In SICKNESS and in health? You are disconnected...For better for WORSE? You need to stand by her until you are sure it is irreconcilable. I'm not judging. I went through the same exact thing myself. And alcoholism IS a valid reason to leave a marriage and ge the kids better care. I thought I found my soulmate in a new woman...then realized we just had more in common. Now I have no wife, son is with her, sold our beautiful home and I live in a tiny condo. Lost my job because of all the turmoil the affair caused. And the new woman...well, she's great, but it's not what I thought.

Work on your marriage. You have no idea how much loss you are facing. IF, and only if it cannot be reconciled through rehab and counseling, then divorce her before you become more deeply involved in the new girl. But one thing I can tell you is...kids adjust. They understand eventually. They want you to be happy. All these who tell you to think of the kids are basically saying "be miserable so your kids have parents". That's utter bullshit, and people who say this have never faced a challenging marriage with kids. You should NEVER stay in a bad relationship...kids or not. But be SURE it is broken, and not just in a rut. I threw away a perfectly good marriage of 15 years and 20 years of memories. Don't do the same.

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A female reader, xanthic United States +, writes (19 July 2010):

xanthic agony auntRather than being madly in love with this woman, you're infatuated with her because she's present and available during a dark period in your life.

It's only been a week, how can you believe she's your soulmate? It sounds as though you're trying to use that claim as an excuse to become emotionally involved with someone other than your wife, while fully knowing it's unacceptable.

You need to put everything on hold with her and address the problems within your marriage. There's likely an underlying reason for your wife's alcoholism she's either unaware of, or simply doesn't know how else to cope. She needs help, and she needs you to be there for her and your children. Your wife has been with you for 11 years, the least you could do is give her a chance to make things right.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2010):

Yes its true think of the kids and how your wife would feel if you left so many kids all ready out there whos parent left the other for another it tears them apart. Ive seen friends close to me cry about this they want thier father there for them. So think of others before yourself when you are married you are committed to this person till death if you didnt think she would suit you why did you marry her?

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A female reader, youmademe United States +, writes (19 July 2010):

Wow. You should get a divorce. Doing this behind her back is only going to make it worse. Get out now.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2010):

you have to put your children first. And they deserve to be in a happy and healthy family, an alcoholic should not be around children whatsoever and you need to get your children away from that ASAP.

I agree she has invested 11 years into the marriage and deserves consideration - but does she consider your children when she picks up the bottle?

You need to talk to your wife. You may be feeling attracted to someone else, because you are missing the connection to your wife. Of course in the first week you feel that because you have found a connection.

Tell your wife would be my advice, tell her things need to change. (she might agree?) I do not believe in staying together for the sake of the children or marriage - children can see through the facade and know when it isn't a "happy home". for children, it is much better for them to get over a marriage breakup initially, but even harder to forgive your parents for fighting, distance and dishonetsy for an entire childhood.

Hope you find peace and happiness.

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A female reader, Oregongrl1 United States +, writes (19 July 2010):

I do! im glad you are not my husband! now you can talk bad about your wife and telling us she has a drinking problem! but does that make it right or you better in what you are doing! stepping out on her or does it make you feel less guilty? i don't have a answer for you other then if your not happy at least be honest w/ her and get out so she can go on w/ her life and take you to the cleaners.

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A female reader, raiders United States +, writes (19 July 2010):

raiders agony auntYou should leave these feelings behind and think about your family. The only thing that should matter to you are your children and have a little of consideration for the women that invested 11 years of her life, to give you a family and a home.

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada +, writes (19 July 2010):

janniepeg agony auntI am sure your wife was once your soulmate too and then you wonder how it turned into this mess. If she's refusing to quit drinking and go to marital counselling then divorce her. She can't blame her problem on having 3 kids and an insensitive, unsupportive husband (not saying you are). She has to admit she has a problem and wishes to change for her, for her family.

Realize you could fall in love with any women who seems to be available to you. You are at a dark place in your life so you are vulnerable to outside temptation and any woman would be like an angel compared to your alcoholic wife. I am wary of women hooking up with married man. If I were that woman I would wait until you get a divorce before going deeper.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2010):

A week? Your in lust, not love. Give it time and you will see that every relationship starts out like that and then fades. If you feel the same way in a month or two, then its time to make some serious decisions.

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