A
male
age
41-50,
*igger81
writes:So my wife and I have been married for four years and during that time we have had out ups and downs. We both work fultime and make close to the same amount. But my wife is very lazy around the house. Despite the fact I work longer hours I also end up doing most of the housework. This in itself is hard as I never really have anytime off as if I am not working I am doing housework. If we do go out somewhere it is up to me to organise, get us up and get us there. To add to it she is very bad with money. Twice I have paid off her credit card debt, and while she does pay her half of the house bills she never has money for emergencies or fixing the house, which is amazing as we get paid the same.But recently things went too far. For the past year and a half I thought she was done overspending on her credit card and she was financially stable. DUe to this we bought a house and I changed jobs to one that wasn't making me depressed and overworking me. But three days ago I found out that she had 7500 in credit card debt. She had told me she only used the credit card for work but it turned out she spent that 7500 on fast food and eating out over the last year and a half. While the money side of it is bad the lying is what has gotten to me. I directly asked her, multiple times if she was stable with her credit card and she looked me in the eye and said yes. I had asked her if she was going out to lunch all the time and she looked me in the eye and said no. For a year and a half she continuously lied to me with no remorse or feeling, without me even having a clue. She only showed remorse once she was caught out. She didn't even let it be known when we bought a house and when I switched jobs.For most of our relationship I haven't been able to rely on her, as she rarely keeps promises and never helps out. But now I feel like I can't trust her. This has affected the way I feel about her and I don't know what to do. I moved to Canada for her, I have consistantly given up things for her, sacrificed things for her, even the town we live in is because of her job and yet to her eating at resteraunts is more important then our relationship, to the level she will lie to protect it. What should I do? What would you do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2013): Unfortunately she isn't marriage material. She is simply too selfish and lazy to give a crap about anyone except herself. So how can she be trusted with your life? She can't.Also you are helping her to stay irresponsible and lazy. You're encouraging her behaviour because you take up the slack and do her share of the work and pay off her financial debt. She gets off scot free without having to change her behaviour so of course her behaviour will not change. In her eyes there is no compelling reason she should make the sustained effort to change. Your anger and disappointment means nothing to her since you're still sticking around taking care of her. You cant make someone change. So the wise thing to do is admit that you made a terrible mistake in your choice of spouse and correct that mistake by leaving her.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2013): You should divorce her. What you have here is so NOT a "partnership" at all. What you have is someone taking advantage of you so they can get off the hook and not face the consequence of their own actions.Look. If you weren't married to her, if she was single, she would have to face consequences for her actions: for her overspending no one would bail her out just like that so she would get into deep trouble with creditors and her credit score would be ruined meaning she would not he able to buy and live in a nice house. She would have to live wothon her means which if sje has no more money, would be crappy accommodations. Eventually she will get taken to court for her unpaid debts or have her wages garnished against her will, meaning she would be forced to live smaller. But since you are married to her, none of these consequences happen. So she continues on. And then you continue on too with bailing her out. For her laziness at home: if she were single and living alone and didn't clean the house then the house stays dirty and gets dirtier. Eventually it will get so gross even she would be forced to clean it. Then the difficulty of the task might trigger her to develop more discipline simply because if she doesn't do it no one else will. Unless she hires a house keeper (if she still has money after her wages get garnished to pay off her debts). If she had a roommate they may kick her out. But since she is married to you, she gets let off the hook again. She doesn't have to do any housework because you will do it if she doesn't.You need to stop bailing her out. But to do this you need to cut ties with her otherwise you will go down with the ship too (the house will stay dirty for you too if you stopped cleaning up after her, your finances are affected by her spending and lies).Basically this woman is not behaving as if she is in a partnership. She is behaving as if she is not accountable to anyone and is a single person with a magical fairy godmother who keeps bailing her out of trouble.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (14 November 2013):
 You write that: "...she spent that 7500 on fast food and eating out over the last year and a half..." Are you gullible enough to believe that?????? That's $144 per week!!!! Whilest this detail, alone, is satisfactory evidence that you should part from her... read the rest of you submittal .... and you MUST conclude that this woman has yet to grow up.... or, grow responsible, and understand the value of a dollar.... And YOU, Sir, are the supplier of her dollars, in large part!!!
Stop being used.... dump her...
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2013): Your situation seems almost exactly as mine. My wife raked up our credit cards unknown to me until I went to use a credit card and it was denied. $17,000 and was past due for months as she hid it. I had to refinance our home twice to pay her spending spree stupity off. All I can say is watch your back. There could be more to this deception. My wife was also cheating and buying expensive gifts for her lover's. Yea she had several. So I wound up paying off all her marital crimes and I divorced her. Now I'm finacially stable and my daughter tells me she's well over $60,000 in debt, going to lose her home and car. Some people can't control themselves finacially and in my case infidelity as well. I'd be very weary if I were you. Your going to be next in line to lose everything you have. I'd seriously think about leaving her.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 November 2013):
 I am sorry this response is SO LONG and rambling.. this is actually about half of what I could say on this topic which is near and dear to me on many levels. OP please feel free to PM to discuss this in depth.
Honeypie gives great practical advice… I want to talk about the CAUSE of her problems because she sounds A LOT LIKE ME….
I have ADHD. This affects so many things for an adult… and as an adult woman with ADHD we have the whole HORMONAL shifts monthly as well….
ONE of the hallmarks of ADHD in adults is poor money management. When I met my now husband he paid off my debt (about the 3rd or 4th time in my life it had been done for me)) and I vowed to myself that I would not let it happen yet again. KNOWING I have a money problem I went to him and we devised this plan: HE makes the budget. I defer to him on whether or not we can afford things. I do have input into our spending and I am RARELY denied any requests (and I’m a princess so some of my requests are for things he doesn’t get like a new purse when I have a perfectly good one (BTW DENIED and I POUTED)…. And NOW , two years into this set up, I am starting to learn the give and take of what he will and will not accept. I will now sometimes buy something and tell him AFTER the fact (that day) and I am willing to return if need be.
Before this system I would buy what I wanted when I wanted it, to hell with the consequences. Every Friday I give him ALL the receipts from my week (and in turn he gives me his which I did not ask for but he wants me to see what he’s spending too) and we go over them together… take’s 5 minutes and it’s a nice transition to our weekend. I keep my receipts in my wallet.. it helps me also know how much I’m spending… if I open my wallet and 4 receipts fall out and it’s only Tuesday I am quick to check to see WHAT they are for (because with ADHD I forget) and sometimes they are household (gas, groceries) or usually lunch out… and yes lunch out gets expensive if you do it every day.
Because I knew this was a problem that I WANTED FIXED I was willing to come up with this plan with him. Yes it was my suggestion that he police my spending… and at first we did it DAILY…. But because he shared right back it felt less parental than it sounds. It was just a couple managing their money.
EVERYTHING we buy goes on a credit card that has cash rewards. It also makes it easier to keep track of things. WE DO NOT SPEND CASH…. And that has helped too.
Now on to the other things… You say she is lazy around the house. Perhaps so. Or perhaps she is not sure about what should be done… in that case a chore list is a great idea. I had a very very hard time keeping our home clean. Before my husband came into my life I did not have organization or a plan or a routine. Once we moved in together the house was revamped and I threw out tons of stuff and streamlined the house I had been in and got a routine… and at first I had to figure out what needs to be cleaned and how often and how to actually do these things… it was paralyzing for me before I was gently “forced’ into it… but once the house was clean and organized and I could manage it I kept it up pretty good. We actually have splurged and now have a maid come in every other week for the heavy cleaning. It’s not cheap but it’s worth it for us. My husband once we moved in “forgot” how to do things like clean. So that was on me. But he had to let me know what needed to be done.
ADHD folks also have social skills issues… getting somewhere timely is hard for us, making the plans may also be difficult.
And she lied because she did not want to fight with you… she KNOWS she’s wrong but she can’t figure out how to fix it. I HAVE BEEN YOUR WIFE in that respect… and the WRATH and INDIGNATION my husband (not this one so much but the first one had the same issue with me only I was young and it was much worse then) heaped on me for a spending that I thought was not so bad was NOT worth it. And I learned that if he didn’t find out till LONG after the purchase, it was easier….
I would recommend that you two consider a counselor for a bit… to help you learn to talk to each other about these things… but first I would figure out if she’s got something like ADHD that needs some assistance… there are behavioral things to be learned and if possible sometimes medication helps too.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2013): Unfortunately this quality is impossible to correct. Some people are like that. They are just really bad with money. They never calculate, ever! And I am telling you this from my own experience: my husband. When we just got married, he got this hobby that ate all of our spare money. He loved making jewelry, and jewelry tools are extremely expensive. Not mentioning material. Every week it was hundreds of dollars spent on tools. There is nothing I could do. Also he had a habit of going out with his friends and just pay for everybody. After awhile I stopped the generous picking up a check habit,mexplainin got him that friends don't let their friend to pay for them most of the time. He bought enough tools, and actually in a few years we opened our jewelry store. But his spending habits were ridiculous anyway and continued. Now when we both older, he kind of gave up and let me handled all the finances, and it all came to normal, but he lied to me also about his purchases, etc.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (14 November 2013):
 What I would do, is SIT her down, and talk.
MAKE a budget- cut the credit cards up (though SHE STILL needs to pay them off). My guess is she has always had someone bail her out when she over spend, either her parents or you (or before you, another BF). She is DEFINITELY old enough to be able to budget and STICK to a budget.
MAYBE you two also need to consider having a shared bank account (now I can see why you two don't MIX your income in one big pot because let's face it, she would be using all HER pay then then all YOUR pay on crap) BUT have a shared account for bills - so you budget your monthly costs - you put in 50% of the costs, she put in 50% and the bills are paid from that account.
Also, each of you should try and put in XX amount in a shared savings (can be the same account but this is for savings) so IF you one month have higher bills or need to fix stuff, you can draw from that. And I would suggest she CAN NOT access this account for anything but deposits til she shows she is reliable. I know it's sad to have to micro manage your spouse, but sometimes that is what it takes. YOU need to be in charge of the household finances.
She needs to have a plan to pay off the credit card and she needs to ACTUALLY do this. NO MORE CREDIT CARDS for her. DEBIT all the way for her. Each of you set aside a "spending money amount" and that is the amount you can use on "whatever". (for her it might be going out to eat or having coffee with a friend)
Give her some time to SHOW you she can be trusted. Let's say 6 months?
I would also suggest if you two can make THAT work to find a financial adviser and on top of that a marriage/couples counselor. She has the mentality of a PRE-teenager when it comes to being financially responsible (presuming that someone else will bail her out and that when you buy with a credit card it's not actual money - that SEEMS to be her attitude).
As far as the house work, again, make a chore list - divide it in 2( this can always be negotiated who does what, just talk it out) and then DO NOT DO HERS. Again it is a form of micro-managing your spouse, and again I think it's what you HAVE to do. To get results.
I would also suggest that you take EVERY precaution to NOT get her pregnant, til you two are sorted out. Because if she can't show ANY kind of improvements you have two choices, 1. live with it and 2. divorce and move home. A Child would severely complicate matters.
From your whole post what bothers me the most is her lying. It seems to be her go-to defense. Again behaving like a child. It's not like YOU can't find out the truth, so why bother with the lying? That is an issue you REALLY need to address - and again I would explain HOW hurtful it is not being able to trust her and WHY you resent the lying. Kind of like you would a child. That the lying is by far worse then anything she can do.
Then YOU need to decide either now or 6 months (example) down the line if this marriage is worth it for you. If being her "parent" is what you want long term, because the things she does are HARD things to change.
I'm not normally an ultimatum kind of person, but in this case, yes, she would get an ultimatum. If things don't change.. I'm gone.
One thing though, if you go that route make DAMNED sure she does't go out and open a LOT of credit cards that you will be responsible for after the divorce. Which means, find a GOOD lawyer and keep up on her credit report.
When my husband was deployed the first time he REALLY overspend constantly, which meant one months the kids and I didn't have enough to pay the bills & get food. So what we did was he cut up the card and he got a PRE PAID debit card with $ XX each month to spend on crap. After that, he's been a LOT more reliable.
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