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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Please let me know how do you feel about this?Married for 24 years,3 kids together..-kids ,are grown up but needy-husband totally cold,but says he loves me-we have no sex life-we fight a lot,on working too much,and lack of affection-I feel terrible in this marriage-He works all the time, does not do anything to change-Tried counseling... no result-sex stopped years ago for no known reasons.What else can I do?I tried to talk to him, write to him, but he won't changewe are miserable..Is there anything else ,what I can try ,or get out, before I get weaker?I really feel totally stuck,what do you suggest. Thanks for reading this.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2009): Yes, I think I;m still trying ,but it is still an option, that I have to leave.. I have no illusions of better life after this, yet there are some situations when you can;t make it,no matter how much you want it. It is like slow poison.My biggest problem is that I don't have the abilty not to focus on this.I want to learn somehow. Is there any good tips how can I not depend on him so much?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2009): Yes, I think I;m still trying ,but it is still an option, that I have to leave.. I have no illusions of better life after this, yet there are some situations when you can;t make it,no matter how much you want it. It is like slow poison.My biggest problem is that I don't have the abilty not to focus on this.I want to learn somehow. Is there any good tips how can I not depend on him so much?
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A
female
reader, Ginalolabridga  + ♥, writes (22 April 2009):
 Sometimes when men lose their erection it is important that their not made to feel a failure you can cuddle him reassure him that it is fine and you can always try again another time, lying in bed cuddling and falling asleep like this is very reassuring not only for him but for you too, your showing him no matter what i am hanging on to you! and he will appreciate that even if he is not too good with words deep down he will.
I don't think it is a good thing to keep it all inside and suffer i tend to wear my heart on my sleeve and for some that is too painful but i need to vent and it is a good thing we all should vent now and then it is good for the soul if done in a positive and calm way.
I would try and speak to him about some of the things you would like for him to try especially the therapist pick your moment wisely when he is in a good mood! and calmly talk with him through this and dont tell him ask him what he thinks, what he feels he would benefit from the most, that way your allowing him to decide and not you!
I am sure with patience and effort you both can rectify these issues you have, you have a lot of years chalked up together and i would be fighting to keep that good luck.
Gina
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2009): I know its hard to read someone's mind, if you are not a mind reader.But ,when someone acts weird, you can't stop thinking of this question,''what goes on in his mind? He might be one of those guys who will put me in a very strange situation, with his secret one day.
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A
female
reader, AskEve + ♥, writes (20 April 2009):
 I'm assuming you're the Sagittarius and your husband is the Libra right?
Don't think negatively all the time or negativity is what you'll bring into your life. If you try to think more positively then positivity is what will be drawn to you. (I can go into that in more detail if you're interested.) Look forward to confirmation about your sunsigns.
~Eve~
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2009): Yes ,he is working at home a lot. And he has an incredible self -discipline to keep things inside.
I would be extremely relieved to know what is happening inside him.
i think something very wrong ,very damaging
WE are a Sagittarius Libra combination .
I would love any observation. I personally think , I might be cursed on a way, because I have incredible misfortune,and unbelievable coincidences.
SOMETIMES i THINK we have an omen on this love , and bad does not stop, until it separates us.
I know what I'M SAYING....
Thanks for any input...
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A
female
reader, AskEve + ♥, writes (20 April 2009):
Has anything happened in your husband's life to cause him trauma? Something is eating away at him and he's keeping this in, I can see it a mile off! He's either in denial, feeling very guilty about something or possibly grieving.
Has your marriage ever been a happy one or has he always been this way? What does he do for work? Does he take work home with him? Can I ask you for you and your husband's dates of birth please? If you'd prefer to email me personally here at dearcupid then please feel free to do so as I feel I can help you here.
~Eve~
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2009): GINA!Thanks very much.
Yes he has difficulty to get an erection, but not from medical reasons. It makes everything even more vulnerable between us. Because it feels he lost attraction.
What makes it so hard ,he says he loves me.
But I found this a really good idea, that maybe someone would come to visit here. I'm not sure how to approach him to do this with me.
It is so hard to know,if it really going to get better or time to finish.
What do you think how is it possible to keep so many thing inside,and suffer like this? Thanks
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A
female
reader, Ginalolabridga + ♥, writes (19 April 2009):
You need to get him to open up to find out how he feels deep down too and if he would see a therapist on his own or with you that would help you both enormously some therapists will come to your home if he cant bring himself to go to them!
Something to think about.
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A
female
reader, Ginalolabridga + ♥, writes (19 April 2009):
How long have you been putting up with this cause i know it is quite easy to allow things to drag on and do nothing it happens in long term marriages, it shouldnt but as counsellors and therapist up and down the country will tell you when we reach the stage of getting to their door it has been going on sometime!
The lack of sex/intimacy is bound to cause drifts and arguments, sheer frustration alone will cause an argument, i cannot understand why it just stopped, was he having problems down there or was there ever any affairs?
As for the kids well our kids are always needing but if they are adults they need to defend for themselves, i know exactly how 3 kids can be a financial drain on you and yes even when they are earning themselves, because everyone nowadays seems to live beyond their means!
If you have tried counselling and he still is not prepared to change have you thought about a separation for a while?
Maybe that is what you need in order to find out what you really want away from him and the kids, sometimes being a Mother and Wife can be very very draining and we need to recharge our batteries so is this something you could do?
If so i think it would help you decide what you want from this marriage now.
Gina
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2009): Yes, thanks very much. I did try counseling with him, but he stayed close on the session, and it was no resulting anything good.
It is very sad,as I do love him,and wanted to stay with him to grow old together.
I think he is not bad, but unintentionally hurting me.
I think ,he is suffering himself, but can't change. What do you think, is there any hope ,that something will turn around,and he will start opening up for change? I wish ,if I could just get over with it sometimes, as it seems so long and painful. It is a real love trap. But honestly ,I don't know anymore if I just say I love him,or I just too scared to admit, its dead end. I not going to finish this too quick, I know that.
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A
female
reader, Country Woman + ♥, writes (19 April 2009):
 If I hadn't see the words TRIED counselling and have tried to talk, write to him, I would have suggested all of them.
However, if he is as closed to everything as you say then there is something else that is underlying here.
Do you think there are problems with him sexually, i.e. can you remember any bad experiences just prior to the sex stopping. Impotence problems maybe? This could explain the lack of sex. However, as a man he is possibly unwilling to admit to any issues he has. He may have then transferred the blame onto you in his own mind. She didn't arouse me enough etc, etc. Just one possible explanation, I realise I am stabbing in the dark as I don't know the facts but just a possibility that I am throwing into the mixing bowl so to speak.
You say your kids are grown up but NEEDY, how old are they are how NEEDY are they. Do they constantly come to you both for financial support or NEEDY in other ways?
You say there are arguments about constantly working, who is that relating to i.e. him or you?
Does the working thing relate to sustaining financial burdens you have jointly or support for the kids?
It sounds to me like your kids are probably all too aware of the problems in your marriage, have you ever sat down and talked to any of them about how they view your marriage, just a thought really. Have they all left home?
Fighting with a partner/husband is extremely draining and it is hard to find energy for anything else. There is only so long any human being can take this and yes it does come down to blame on both sides and if this was not established during counselling or the counselling was cut short then there are no hard and fast facts on where the blame lies.
Why did you go to counselling in the first place, had there been any trust issues that needed to be addressed, i.e. any affairs or anything or was it you pushing for it and him reluctantly coming along as you felt it was what was needed? Did anything come out of the counselling sessions from the counsellor?
I have to say a big part of me agrees with satindesire as it seems like you have tried everything and there is still no change in your marriage.
An unwillingness to change or improve a relationship indicates that the love has gone or dwindled and perhaps by him doing nothing means that the ball is then left strongly in your court to make the final decision regarding divorce. I think there are a certain amount of men who don't want the blame factor for instigating divorce proceedings and if you are the one to do it they can then say oh no it wasn't me it was the ex wife who forced this divorce onto me. Petty I know but women sometimes have more gumption than the man as they will continue to jog along oblivious with the arguments until it comes to the point when the final nail is hit firmly into the coffin (so to speak).
Go and talk to CAB/Solicitor they may suggest some sort of mediation service to avoid a messy divorce but I think you need to try and talk to your kids first of all just to get their input into this, I am not saying you need their permission, far from it but at least they know what to expect and it is not so much of a shock.
I would also go for one more shot of trying to communicate with your husband and ask him outright, do you want a divorce, do you want to be with someone else? See what reaction you get, you may find that he has just been waiting for you to suggest it and maybe the floodgates of emotions could be opened at long last. I am not saying it is a solving solution but at least you may get to a sense of what he wants from you.
Wish you well and keep us posted eh! It may get ugly but at least if you talk to him first then maybe you can try and stay amicable at least for your kids sake. Worth a shot. I don't think either one of you would want them to chose sides.
BFN
Country Woman
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A
female
reader, satindesire  +, writes (19 April 2009):
 When counseling and talking don't work, in my opinion the next step is divorce.
Why stay in an unhappy marriage with a man who is completely unwilling to do anything about it?! Makes no sense to me. It takes more than love or children to hold a relationship together.
Happy alone is better than unhappy together. Your kids will tell you that, too. Trust me, they'd rather see you divorced and emotionally stable than with their dad who you can't get along with anymore.
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