A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello i'm a 37 yo woman and me and my husbant are together now for 11 years. Everything started when i met him 18 years ago and i fell in love with his misterious eyes. We became friends and eventually a few years later i got my nerves together and i started to tease him trying to make him see that i was there. One day after i started teasing him he just asked me if i did't had anything better to do in life. After that and because it hurted so much i decided that i had to forget him. And i tried. I had 4 cold relationships where i was unhappy because i was only trying to forget him or the words he had told me. And i keep meeting him with friends when i spend weekends from uni at home. Yes i had sex with my boyfriends. Meanlinless and cold in wich i didn't felt desire or pleasure bacause i couldn't forget him. I just felt that i didn't wan't to be there. One day i decided that it had to stop and i would just stay alone. I recovered from the shitty person i was feeling and became strong. One day however we ended up taking coffee only the two of us and we started to talk. We became inseparable and eventually started datting. I felt things like never before and my body completely woke up to sensations. But i was afraid i had never felt anything before, so before our first time i told that was very difficult for me to have one orgasm. And once when we were tease each other i remembered how shitty i felt with the others and i got dryed and because i was affraid that he noticed and said anything i just told "i did't did this for so long that i'm dry. But we were happy and we had a fullfilling life in all aspects including really amazing sex. One day i started to get a depression because i couldn't find a job. with my depression i became more and more distant including sex until one day my husbant said he couldn't take anymore. So we talked and i told him i was getting better and i was going to do everything to be ok and i wouldn't be distant anymore. And i did. The problem is he started to get depressed and he started asking me about my past. I was honest and i told him everything. I discovered then that he also had always been in love with me and i was his first girlfriend. I was the only girl he had sex. Now he can't pass the fact that i was with other men and he became obsessed with it. He keeps asking for every detail from the time i was with them. He wants to know what happen't in every second. How they kissed me, how they toched me. He can't forget that i tryed to show him what i felt and he pushed me away before beying with any of them. I love my husbant so much and i wan't to help him but he doesn't let me. He says that i can't change the past. How can i help him?
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male
reader, judgedick  +, writes (30 August 2017):
 I found your post very interesting last night and had to go through it a second time before going to bed now it is morning and after sleeping on it I find myself asking questions,
THERE are many things that I would love to be able to ask you over a cuppa tea because YOU went into EXPLAINING how your day to day life has taken its toll on you and how it affected your love life.
The first question I would like to ask you is he having anything going on in his life at this time, any thing from work, is he feeling under pressure/stress not up to dealing with something or someone. THE mid-life, heading for 40 does exist.
you don't say anything about if you have kids as it is important to know if you don't is one of you missing that and if you do kids growing up can be putting stress on him.
The other thing is when and where and how often do you find yourselves having this discussion or interrogation and most of all how do each of you feel when are you having it,
IS it turning him on talking about your past or is it turning him off, do you guys end it with sex and if so is the sex difference and it what way,
YOU don't need to answer any of the questions as they are only pointers for you,
I think it would be good to go together to a professional for help and look on it like the way we use a crush when we break a leg, try to find a psychologist/sex therapist that bought are happy with,
ONE of the biggest things we find here is people wanting to share their past history and we get bought types the ones that get all types the ones that it is part of foreplay like looking at porn and the ones that get jealous and can't handle this information.
This is why I think you need to get help as if you try to do it on your own and tell him too much he might not be able to deal with it, and on the other side he might think you not telling him "so you have something to hide"
He has already got you to tell him too much and now he has wetted his appetite and you find your in a catch 22, so you can't take back what he has being told, as like in a car crash you have now to find how to live with it and not make it worse, but being in a catch 22 you need outside professional help.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (29 August 2017):
 Your past is none off his business. He is going to just hurt himself listening to you talking about other men. You need to be strong here and tell him you are not talking about this with him, tell him its the past and reassure him he is the only man for you. His self esteem seems to be at an all time low at the moment but he cannot keep bringing up your past its not fair to you both, if he doesn't let it go I suggest going to marriage counselling.
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A
male
reader, Riot2017  +, writes (29 August 2017):
YOU CAN'T HELP HIM BY YOURSELF.You both need to go to couples therapy.The problem, as as I see it, is that your husband is drowning in jealousy over your past. He doesn't seems to understand or have empathy on your reasons why you did what you did back then.You see, YOU HAD ALL THE RIGHT IN THE WORLD to have sex with those 4 guys, because YOU WERE NOT WITH HIM. If he had the guts back then to be with you, that would never had happened, so technically this is all his fault for driving you away from him. It's his fault, and he must own the consequences, you are the owner of your life and you did what was correct back then.He needs to seek help to fix that jealousy and depression that is putting a strain on your relationship. You have been honest and upfront, but I think that he is stuck in the past, and can't see you are already his wife and you are there for him.Best luck!
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