A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for 2 years, I am 41 and my wife is 30. We have always been amazing together, and I thought we were happy. We recently started trying for kids, which was her idea, as I was never going to push her until she was ready. She has just changed her job and ended up being away with work for a while in Oz, which included meeting up with her best friend who was working over there ( a guy ). When she got home, he arrived as well as his visa had expired and needed somewhere to stay for a couple of nights. That is now 2 mths ago and he is still there! On top of that my wife said that she has changed her mind about kids at the moment, as isn't ready to settle down and move to suburbia. She also says that she has concerns about the age difference. What if in 5 years time she decides she doesn't want kids at all, then where will that leave us . ie we have our own issues to try and work through, but we can't even start to try and do that while this guy is there. I am 99% convinced that there is nothing going on, but he knows he has outstayed his welcome, and it is me that will end up being the bad guy, as my wife won't want to be seen to throw him out . There was a big bust up at the weekend, when we were out the 3 of us ( again ! ), and he was doing his usual of completely overstepping the mark and taking on the role of her "protector" . He is also far too touchy feely with plenty of inappropriate comments. There is an added complication that he doesn't have a job, his mum has just died, and it's coming up to xmas. I'm at my wits end though, as feels like my marriage is slipping away without a chance to save it, and I am now very much the 3rd flatmate in my own house. I have said this to my wife and rather than being understanding and supportive, she tells me I'm overreacting and it's no big deal. I'm now trying to pretend that I don't mind outwardly, see it through to the new year, and if now movement then get tougher with him, but it has become an impossible position . I have said to my wife that some of the issues that we are having, and that we need to talk about, become subtely different if we are getting on properly, but to start that we simply need time to ourselves. This guy is also her confidante and he mentioned to me on a night out " if the two of you want diff things, then maybe it's time to split up" ie he is now both physically damaging things, plus he is now intellectually part of the problem. Especially at this time of year, we have so little time together, that I have no idea how to play it when we do. The last thing I need to do is come across as nervous and needy. I am also getting mixed messages, as a few weeks ago my wife found a good deal on a hotel that we like, and are going away for a night early in the New Year. Just no idea what to do, and the thought of going home tonight, to see sitting there again, turns my stomach . I still completely love my wife, and happy to put in the work to turn things around. It just feels that our first blip could beat us
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2013): this is my own answer to my own question in case anyone still out there. I am trying to be objective and not a complete wimp! I think my wife has concerns about things, is not about to run out, but at the moment is hiding behind this friend staying. I think things will come to a head when (if there has been no movement ), I will just tell him in January that he has to get out . If I am seen as the bad guy and she sides with him, then nothing more I can do about it. Other option is to stay living as the third flatmate, and that's just not an option. It might actually bring his true colours to the surface ie he leaves quickly and apologetically, or he uses the situation to try and make me the bad guy. Only married for 2 years and then this. brilliant!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2013): Honestly mate, listen to everyone who has responded here. I have never seen such universal agreement on DearCupid before!Your wife has no business bringing another man into the house. She has made you into the beta male and him into the alpha male, as another aunt has suggested.And as the previous aunt suggested, how would your wife feel if you brought a woman into the house for 2 months? It doesn't matter if this other woman is your best friend or whatever. Your wife would flip out.TELL THIS GUY TO GO. Don't set deadlines, don't waste time offering to help him find a place, don't negotiate any details. JUST TELL HIM TO GO.A lot of damage has already been done. This younger man is probably infatuated with your wife, and you have let him into your own house and given him two solid months to work on her. In that time, he has convinced her not to have kids with you and that you are too old for her.This guy has major balls, moving into another man's house and actively wooing your wife right in front of you! This kind of guy is poison when it comes to marriages.Like others have said, so much damage has been done that I'm not sure this marriage is salvageable....Happy holidays.
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A
female
reader, ohbabycakesxx  +, writes (19 December 2013):
You have been so patient, but I agree with all the other aunts. TWO MONTHS ago, he should've been gone. But with your wife's insisting and your passiveness, he got to stay. Did he help pay for anything? I understand that although he may be your WIFE'S best friend, he is definitely not yours. It's your house, your property, your wife. The other guy is just feeding your wife negative thoughts. You wanted kids - he comes - boom, she suddenly no longer wants kids with you. How long did you date before getting married for her to suddenly decide that your age difference bothers her? That seems more like it's coming from her friend who OBVIOUSLY has an interest in your wife.This is very inappropriate behavior, he is trying to take your spot as her husband. Her "protector", her "confidant", her "best friend"? Those are words that should be reserved for YOU, not him.Kick him out, no ifs or buts. Maybe help him find other living arrangements, but that's about it. You become the bad guy? So be it. He didn't belong there in the first place. If you kick him out and she suddenly makes a big deal when him staying there was "no big deal" then you need to step back and re-evaluate your marriage. She should not ever take the other guy's side because that's who he is - the other guy; NOT her husband. Ask her how she would feel if one of your girl friends stayed for 2 months +. I assure you, she would not be saying the same things.Best of luck to you!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2013): Who knows...perhaps your wife will respect you more in the end if you stand up for yourself and unconditionally evict this guy. You shouldn't come off as some dithering politician trying to please everyone.As others have said, don't let the situation become violent. But you do need to stand up for your marriage and your house by ordering this man out of your abode.Stop worrying about coming off as needy and nervous. You'll only come off that way if you continue to fret in the corner while this guy roots himself even more firmly in your house. Be direct -- it is a sign of character.Tell the guy to go and be done with it. This re-establishes you as the alpha male. Your wife might dislike your decision in the short term, but her respect and desire for you might improve in the long term.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2013): You should obviously kick this guy out of your house (in a non-violent way, of course). It's your house, right? If she thinks that having this guy in the house is more important than your happiness, then she's clearly not worth all the trouble you are going to.
What I see here is a one-sided relationship, where you are working your ass off to keep her happy, but she is not doing the same for you.
Worse, she could be in a sexual relationship with this guy, or forming one. This makes you into a "cuckold" -- the term for a husband who becomes supplanted by a wife's lover, usually a younger man with greater stamina, yada yada yada blah blah blah.
I think you need to ask yourself some tough questions about the future of this marriage.....
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A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (18 December 2013):
 My husband would freak out. She, to me, is completely disrespecting you and your marriage by letting him stay there. Especially since his visa has expired and you both know that.
I'd kick him out, if she gets mad about it, then she can join him.
Has he been paying rent? Groceries? Utilities? Helping out at all? Besides getting between you and your wife?
He's taking advantage of you, your wife is either to nice or too stupid to realize it and it needs to stop now.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (18 December 2013):
 Not following my own advice here, but I meant to add this because it is important...
Less is more.
The more you say, the more ammunition you give her (and him) to twist your words and use them against you. Conversely the less you say the greater impact what you do say will have, especially if you're calm and you use a quieter voice (determined, not timid).
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A
female
reader, Ciar + ♥, writes (18 December 2013):
I'm tempted to tell you to kick both your wife and her idiot friend to the curb. However I won't.
What I will suggest is that you quietly and anonymously contact police, not 999, but the local number and ask them how they recommend you handle this. When the time comes that you put your foot down you don't want a violent confrontation that results in them being summoned.
Then I would reclaim my home. One of the ways you can do this is to invite family or friends over now and again, without asking your wife or giving her any advance warning. It is important that you don't do this angrily. Be upbeat and confident. Do the things you enjoy doing in your own home, things you can do with or without your wife. The other benefit is your friends and especially your family are your support system. You don't have to tell them what's going on unless you can trust them to say and do nothing and let you handle it. It tips the balance in your favour and further isolates your house guest.
Then you could write your wife a note. Your intent should be to inform, not convince, so keep it brief and again be matter of fact. Be sure to keep a copy for yourself (in a safe place) as evidence in case this does escalate. A letter would allow you to say what's on your mind without being interrupted. You could say something like this:
'When (his name) first arrived, I understood he needed a place to stay for a couple of nights and I was happy to provide it. It has now been over two months and he has made no apparent effort to secure his own accommodations.
This is as much my home as it is yours and I have every right to be happy in it. I would have thought that as your husband my happiness would be important to you, as yours is to me, yet my concerns have been dismissed.
My good will and my patience have been exhausted. Your friend has to go. He is to be out by (insert date).
*******
Now about the vacation...I would go, provided your parasitic houseguest won't be in your home alone while you're away. It would give you and your wife time away together in a different setting. And declining to go would add more ill will to the equation.
Insist that he be out before Christmas (you pick the date) and I would arrange to have your family keep an eye on your home during your absence.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2013): I think some posters are getting the wrong end of the stick here regarding the friend's visa. From what I understand, his wife's friend is British and was working in Australia on a visa, which expired at the same time the wife was coming back to the UK. This is why he also came back to the UK at this time. So the issues about immigration etc do not apply. At least that is how I read it. This also makes sense because if it is his wife's 'best friend' and she was only in Australia for a short while on business, it is likely she got to know him over a much longer period in the UK, before either of them went to Australia.
He still should not be overstaying his welcome in their marital home though.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (17 December 2013):
 If he hasn't already got your wife interested in him, he is certainly white anting your marriage.
Go home now and ell him it is time for him to stop being a bludger, and to hump his bluey!
If your wife complains tell her to leave as well.
And I would not be waiting till Christmas, or January, two months bludging off you is quite enough charity thank you very much, stand your ground and don't take any crap!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 December 2013):
 So your wife says that it is not a big deal if he stays... ? It is kind of a big deal ,though. If nothing else because under the UK Immigration laws ,KNOWINGLY harboring an illegal immigrant carries the sanction of a fine up to £ 5000 or jail up to 6 months, or both.
So, he needs to go , if nothing else for practical reasons and your peace if mind.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2013): I agree with the others.
Sit your wife down like you've done before. But this time, don't just talk about how it makes you feel.
Tell her what you need from her as her husband ie. for his friend to move out because you two need time to sort things out and he's overstayed his welcome.
Give him a deadline not too far off in the future.
You pay rent / food bills and you live with your wife. No stranger has the right to take away this sanctuary. If he was a friend, the first time your wife told him you had 'issues' he should have offered to leave.
The time for diplomacy is over. Get rid.
Also, I think you get charged a fine for harbouring an illegal immigrant so if you decide to call the home office then make sure he's not living with you!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2013): Speak to him separately, and tell him to get a grip and move out. You can't have him there at the detriment to your marriage
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2013): Tbh, it`s not just him that needs throwing out, it`s both of them.
To turn things around it needs two, and I dont think you will get the support you need off her, or should I say them?
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A
female
reader, Lieutenant +, writes (17 December 2013):
You sound like a very patient human being. I would have kicked his troublesome behind to the curb the first sign of inappropriate behaviour.
It's time for him to leave (quite frankly the time for him to leave was 2 months ago). Give him a deadline, don't make it a long deadline e.g. the day after Christmas he should be gone; or to be really nice, by the 2nd of January, he should find other living arrangements. The latter is more than generous. If your wife tries to argue, then you have to come out and make it plain and simple; is she ready to choose him over you? This is your marriage and if she's too stupid to realise that she has a good and patient man, then she deserves to lose him to a better woman who will appreciate you. I would only call immigration as a last resort, if by the deadline you give him he's not out; call immigration and give them your address, he would be going back to Australia on the next available flight.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2013): Grow some nuggets and throw him out of your house.
Your wife has no right to insist that you allow some guy
with an "expired visa" and "no job" to live in your home.
He is disrupting your marriage, damaging your property, and acting inappropriately toward you and your wife.
You are perfectly within your rights to evict him from your property.
You may be harboring someone who no longer has legal status in your country. Contact immigration authorities and they will find him a place to stay; or give him a one-way ticket back to where he comes from.
If your wife protests too much about how you're handling things, and behaves too protective of him. You have already lost her, and she has no respect for you as her husband; nor your marriage.
Why would she favor a friend over her own husband? Why would she allow you to be treated as if you are the outsider in your own home?
Matters have gotten out of hand; because you've been far too tolerant. Put your foot down and get rid of him; then deal with your domestic issues.
You say you love your wife?
Dear sir, I think there's something missing at her end.
You have been oddly passive about this situation.
Are you afraid of this man, or your wife? Both?
Let the immigration authorities lighten your burden. They will help you to at least restore order to your home.
Contact a divorce attorney; I suspect you may be needing one. It sounds as though your wife has already made her decision, where you're concerned.
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A
male
reader, Boost +, writes (17 December 2013):
I agree with youwish here. There are 2 reasons a friend says that sort of thing; because it's true or they want what you have. Personally reading what you've said I would say it's the later reason. You have a few options: ride it out and hope that he finally moves out, try to talk to just her about everything you have said, or tell her things aren't going great you feel like you're the one who's intruding on their house and move out. I can't see the first happening as he has no job I would imagine he's living in your house and not paying for a thing so from his point of view he's got it made. Trying to talk to her about her friend is always going to make you the bad guy, she sees no problem with anything, which naturally she won't if he's touchy-feely with her she's getting twice the attention regardless of what his intentions are. Me personally I would do the extreme and tell her I was moving out and state clearly why - he's worn out his welcome, you're fed up with paying for him to live there when it's your house, fed up with him giving opinions on your marriage. You may not get the response you want of him moving out, but if anything is going on it'll become pretty clear and you'll be caught it early. However she may come to her senses and see what's happening and that there is an issue
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (17 December 2013):
You are indeed fighting for your marriage. Your first mistake was letting another man live with you guys. After realizing that mistake, you tried to be diplomatic, but that didn't work. Now you need to give him a date to leave by and stick to it. If you don't, you might as well leave yourself and let them have the house, because that's what's happening now. Out of respect, tell her first and then tell him. Don't listen to her objections, enough is enough. Remind her that the original agreement was a couple of days. Two months is long enough to find a job and another place to live and he hasn't been making an effort because you're too nice.
If he's not gone by then, then you have a decision to make. Do you throw him out (with the help of a cop if possible)? Do you kick your wife out as well? Or do you leave, taking your salary and things with you?
It's not a coincidence that your wife is rethinking things. That doesn't mean she's physically cheating, but I wouldn't be surprised in the least if she was. Has the frequency of sex between you two decreased (other than the fact that you're not trying for a baby)?
If I was you, I would have lost so much faith in my marriage that I wouldn't be sure I'd want to try and fix things.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (17 December 2013):
 OH this is not good. There is either something going on between her and this guy, or HE wants something going on between those two, because he's pushing you out, and you need to push back NOW.
He's taking advantage of you. She's allowing it.
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