A
female
age
41-50,
*ixxxy
writes:Hi, I've been to the forum before and it's really helped a lot since I am I'm the course of splitting from my husband of over 12 years whose been manipulative, controlling and not social at all. We have kids (9 and 4). Now my husband will leave the house by sept and we live as roommates - children don't know anything yet. My problem is a new one on how to help my daughter,9, out since he is doing the same with her. Just last night they both sat to watch a children's movie which he recorded - but half way through the film he came away saying leave her alone, she doesn't care for anyone. I went to her to ask what had happened and she said he just said to her that he was going to the room to which she replied I don't mind and he went off in a tantrum saying so you don't care if papa is with you or not..I sat with her through the film but basically I think she was feeling guilty about hurting him and will do more today to please him - the same cycle I went through. What do I do to get her out of it; or do I tell him to sort himself out?
View related questions:
roommate Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (22 July 2012):
 it is completely understandable that you have been feeling under great stress at this time and that your emotions are heightened.
I wish you and your family well in the future.
regards
Abella
A
female
reader, Vixxxy +, writes (22 July 2012):
Vixxxy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks and thats me done with this forum. Some of the responses are rather upsetting. Thanks to those who have been more supportive and constructive. Bye
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2012): "But dear anonymous I am patient but determined."
I have no doubt, I'm sure you're patience and determination have been what's kept you going for the previous twelve years. Let us know when he ISN'T living under your roof and you ARE legally divorced.
"I set him a the reply to suggest that he needs to sort himself out or will send the kids elsewhere or go away to which he says are you trying to suggest I am not a good dad?"
He WILL NEVER sort himself out and you will NEVER send the kids away even though you now have absolutely no doubt that he is NOT a good dad, he is a manipulative, controlling, verbally abusive, emotionally volatile bully, and I'm sure his throwing HIS inexcusbale behavior back at you to insinuate you may be implying that which is obvious immediately put you on the defensive for his traumatizing your daughter (Me? Not a good dad?), which is how manipulative controlling husbands maintain their status as husbands, by recycling the same tactics that have previously worked over and over and over again, because he knows you will react by playing right into his hands over and over and over again, which you did by REPLYING.
In the meantime I'm sure your traumatized daughter rests much easier tonight buoyed by your patience and dermination while feeling reassured and protected and safe and secure knowing her mother leaped to her defense by issuing the same stern warnings and making same iron-clad demands and delivering the same ultimatimums on her behalf as she's heard her entire life, none of which you have ever followed through or acted upon, and she is responding accordingly in expectation of similar effectiveness in her behalf.
"...I can't send her anywhere since we are not citizens, work in another country and passports are out for few months for visa renewal etc."
I'm sure daughter will understand perfectly that her mother already had an iron-clad excuse in place for not doing anything to protect her from her father's toxic influence even before mom knew first-hand she was now subjectto same tirades. I'm sure she'll rely on patience and determination in order to survive next few months until visas and passports are ready, just like her mother.
"how i didn't act over the many years believing that he loves me so much "
Because he MANIPULATES and CONTROLS you into not acting precisely by MANIPULATING and CONTROLLIING you into believing he loves you so much, that's what manipulative and controlling husbands do to maintain status as husbands, not roommates in the course of splitting up and moving out by September, though when October rolls around very likely "roommate" will not only NOT out of under your roof, he'll be back in you your bed.
"I stated he sent me mail but I don't believe a word of it - "
But you replied with same stale threats and demands and "what ifs." If you don't believe his e-mails, then don't reply to them, that's exactly why he sends e-mails after "saying things in anger" that causes the excat same effects he professes not to want.
"I'd rather spend my life without a man than with one like him."
Then why do you continue to spend your life with a man like your husband as you've spent the previous twelve years of your life with a man like him, by living under the same roof as his lawfully wedded wife?
"he continued his tantrum this morning telling her she had been selfish and later when I interfered telling me that i was making her just like me about which I answered I'd be proud if she's like me"
Rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat. Justifying abhorrent behavior by blaming victim, and putting her down by putting you down. I hate to say this, but last night was life-changing experience, she is on the road to being exactly like you, today she is remorseful and fearful and appeaseful and trying to do better and trying to do more to please her father and not make him angry or disappointed again like she did last night when she must have done something terribly wrong while WATCHING A MOVIE with him.
Almost certain daughter will be out of house before you, likely so desperate to escape from her hellish homelife she
probably will hit the streets in search for the male affection she never received at home, she will likely fall for the first deadbeat loser who sweet-talks his way into her pants, quickly find herself knocked up, and by age eighteen at latest she and her kid(s) will be stuck in similar manipulative controlling relationship with no way out, exactly like her mother, probably still patiently and determinedly looking forward to the day she finally gets away from the man she's been waiting to get away from for previous 21 years.
Rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat.
I'm sorry (for daughter) that without professional help, information, and support you are simply flat-out incapable of getting your daughter out of what promises to be a second-generation living hell because you simply flat-out lack the insight and understanding and knowledge to comprehend how hubby keeps you under his thumb, which is why he never leaves and you never move out: that's how he wants it and he knows exactly what tactic to use in any situation to get you to do exactly what he wants (hint: always the same one used in previous similar situations, but he knows you won't make the connection and so you'll respond exactly the same way you've always responded in that situation, and mission accomplished).
Rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat.
...............................
A
female
reader, Vixxxy +, writes (21 July 2012):
Vixxxy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo dear anonymous - the cycle won't go on - no rinse and repeat. I stated he sent me mail but I don't believe a word of it - I'd rather spend my life without a man than with one like him. Abella you're a star - it's not easy. But dear anonymous I am patient but determined.
...............................
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (21 July 2012):
it is very hard to get out of an abusive relationship as the abuser undermines your own self esteem and has no real respect for anyone but the abuser.
So I applaud your actions in ending the relationship,
He thinks he is justified in all he does.
You can't reason with that.
The sooner the better would be best.
do you need a whole month of torment prior to September?
Because I think he will feel so threatened that he will ramp things up a notch in August.
He Sooo just does not 'get' what is abuse.
...............................
A
female
reader, Vixxxy +, writes (21 July 2012):
Vixxxy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks abella - true so out of line. I set him a the reply to suggest that he needs to sort himself out or will send the kids elsewhere or go away to which he says are you trying to suggest I am not a good dad? He just doesn't get it. At first I thought I'll try and get a one to two years break from this marriage but now I won't want back on wondering how i didn't act over the many years believing that he loves me so much
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2012): "I think she was feeling guilty about hurting him and will do more today to please him - the same cycle I went through."Exactly. Kids live what they learn. A 9-year-old girl did absolutely nothing wrong yet is blaming herself and going out of her way to appease a manipulative controlling bully rather than stand up and defend herself, just as her mother always has. A manipulative controlling bully picked on a 9-year-old girl for no other reason than he knows he can get away with it because she'll take the blame and try to please him and walk on eggshells for fear of setting him off again, just as her mother always has. "What do I do to get her out of it"Get her out of it. Either throw him out or take the kids and leave, which of course you are already planning to do."I am I'm the course of splitting from my husband of over 12 years . . .Now my husband will leave the house by sept and we live as roommates"Sorry, but you just don't get it. You aren't "in the course of splitting from" a manipulative, controlling husband, you are still with him. Your husband will not "leave the house by sept" he is living in your house. "after a big fight he's sent me mail saying he loves me a lot and says things in anger and doesn't want kids to get affected"He TOLD you he loves you and that's all you need to her. He says things in anger (but never has reason to be angry), he doesn't want kids to get affected (but he severly traumatized his daughter for no reason). So of course all is well again, until the next big fight "to which I've replied to apologise to her,"Which he won't."to not dare manipulate my daughter or I'll take the kids and go"He will continue to manipulate her because he knows you won't take the kids and go." - I work and earn more than him and have applied for a job in nearby city to get away; the kids and me in case he does not leave"He's not leaving and you're not going to a nearby city."and have told him to go seek counselling"He won't, and it wouldn't help. He is NOT going to change. YOU need counselling, DAUGHTER needs counselling." - cant wait to get away"But you will wait, and you won't get away."and more so can't believe I spent 12 years married to him."You have been married to him for twelve years, you're still married, you're still living with him, you'll probably still be married twelve years from now.Until you break the cycle, the cycle will continue, despite all "I'm going to's" and "I wills" and "I can't waits" nothing has changed for twelve years and nothing will ever change. You make threats and issue ultimatums, he says he loves you, he acknowledges faults but doesn't admit wrongdoing, he regrets consequences but doesn't accept rsponsibility, and the cycle goes on, rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat. . .
...............................
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (21 July 2012):
Your husband is completely out of line.
I know you want him to leave but I have visions of him going back on his word. You may have to leave in the end but make sure you protect what is yours.
And your husband needs to know that the Rest of World does not agree with abusing a daughter like that.
When Actor Alex Baldwin did just the same things he lost visitation rights to his child for a certain time.
http://voices.yahoo.com/alec-baldwin-screams-his-eleven-year-old-daughter-310713.html?cat=33
The world was horrified that a father would so abuse a as Alex Baldwin did. yet your husband did exactly the same thing. And your husband was wrong to do that.
Remind your husband that his own behaviour could destroy his relationship with his own daughter if he does not stop trying to be so abusive
...............................
A
female
reader, Vixxxy +, writes (21 July 2012):
Vixxxy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys - this is really helpful and I'll definitely get the books. It's very upsetting since he continued his tantrum this morning telling her she had been selfish and later when I interfered telling me that i was making her just like me about which I answered I'd be proud if she's like me and I'll not have you manipulate her...I can't send her anywhere since we are not citizens, work in another country and passports are out for few months for visa renewal etc. after a big fight he's sent me mail saying he loves me a lot and says things in anger and doesn't want kids to get affected to which I've replied to apologise to her, to not dare manipulate my daughter or I'll take the kids and go - I work and earn more than him and have applied for a job in nearby city to get away; the kids and me in case he does not leave. and have told him to go seek counselling - cant wait to get away and more so can't believe I spent 12 years married to him.
...............................
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (21 July 2012):
Your husband has his own issues and he is not going to stop trying to be controlling of anyone he thinks he can dominate.
You need to protect your child from this abuse. September is too far away.
And be alert for him to try to manipulate you as the spilt up day comes closer and closer. He may invent or even manifest with some illness that means that the split cannot happen. The split needs to happen for the sanity of all of you.
He can get medical attention at any time. Same with counselling which he needs. But do not allow him to sabotage the split. I think he feels the loss of control over you so strongly that he was trying to cultivate a new victim of his controlling behaviour, hence his own vulnerable daughter.
He can do untold damage to a child. If he will not speed up the leaving then can your children go to stay with another relative while the exit is managed?
You can try to stand up to him, but you have tried that and yet he has never seen the need for him to change.
You are in the middle of this maelstrom of misery from the Controlling behaviour of your husband.
You have shown great strength to take the steps to finish living with your husband. In order to get that strength I am sure you have sought to learn everything you can to deal with your husband's nasty behaviour.
Just in case it might help I recommend the following books:
Codependence and the Power of Detachment: How to Set Boundaries and Make Your Life Your Own by Karen Casey
Codependents' Guide to the Twelve Steps by Melody Beattie
The way he treated his daughter was completely disrespectful. He showed himself up by his childish tantrum. Appealing to his better nature probably will not work. Make sure that when you do split that your Divorce lawyer is aware of your husband's unacceptable behaviour. Maybe your husband should only have supervised access?
Because if your husband's CONTROLLING behaviour is allowed to continue unchecked he will hurt your child's self esteem and her confidence in herself.
Tell your daughter that her father's reaction and his tantrum is not her fault. Her father has some issues that he needs to work on. She did nothing wrong at all. His reaction was what was wrong.She has a right to her feelings and her reactions and she was quite in order to accept that her father did not want to continue to watch the movie, even if she did want to continue watching.
Remind your daughter that she has rights too.
Perhaps sit down with her and allow her to freely tell you how she felt about the behaviour of her father and then assure her that she has a right to her own feelings, opinions and a right to express her own feelings and opnions. It is even OK for her to say 'no' in certain situations to her father and not need to be subjected to a tantrum. Reassure her as her father's reaction must have been confusing and frightening.
I doubt her father would know how to give a sincere apology. Of course he should apologise for his childish behaviour. But asking for an apology may bring out the worst in him. I think he needs some serious counselling. He has issues far bigger than can be fixed in the next month.
She was not to know that her father would behave in this manipulate cruel controlling way.
Maybe schedule some more mother and daughter outings, just the two of you, and help support your daughter with opportunities for her to shine and do well. A sport or a hobby where she can do well might also help her child her self esteem in case her father tries to undermine her again in the future.
...............................
A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (21 July 2012):
 i would tell him that as an adult he needs to be less moody with his children, hes the adult not your daughter but he's the one acting like a child.
i would also tell her that if her father is being moody that it is sometimes that he has funny moods and that its not her responsibilty to keep him happy as he is an adult and that is his job. as much as we want to make other people happy, happiness for each of us must come from within.
he sounds like a child who was looking for a reason to guilt trip this 9 year old girl as he was craving a disagreement
...............................
|
