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Major trust issues. I feel that if I like someone, that I'll get disappointed. How should I address these trust issues?

Tagged as: Crushes, Dating, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (27 July 2016) 2 Answers - (Newest, 28 July 2016)
A female Canada age 22-25, anonymous writes:

Hi there. I am in my early 20s. I have this bad fear of men and a fear of liking someone, more of an attachment.

Before, I'd thought that it was a phase that I was going through and I'll get it over with but nothing seems to change as I grew into adulthood.

I had never dated anyone but I had liked a person for a long time previously around 9 years, which ended with basically no closure because I had no guts in confessing to him and could not even hold a proper conversation with him despite him showing interest in me. He was the kind of guy who would disappear and appear whenever it wanted and I am afraid that I got used to his treatment.

Since that was over, I found that I have been attracted to some men that I encounter in my life but I never thought of admitting to my feelings. It's more of like killing the feeling before it starts and numbing everything in fear of being hurt? That, I am still trying to figure out on what I am so afraid of.

However, now I have met this one guy and it blows my mind that he had liked me for a long time.

I do appreciate him though and some part of me feels weird towards this guy. Mind me, I am not at all experienced in this sort of stuff and I am so confused with my own feelings.

Lately, I have realized that I am starting to show some concern towards him.

Would always wait for him to strike me up a conversation through text. Would have this feeling of wanting to meet him. Whenever I am being put in face to face situation, I thought I could talk to him but my mouth won't speak. I would start trembling, laugh when under pressure and if pushed I would end up crying.

The last time I could not even hold a decent conversation, let alone make eye contact with him. I would freeze up, I was always a rational and logical person but my mind could not think. My body would not move like what my mind told me to. I realized that whenever I saw him being overly friendly to another girl my heart felt this sting and I felt like crying. I am terrified of this feeling and I am trying my hardest to suppress it.

I can't like anyone to be honest, I don't want to. I feel that if I liked someone, I'l get disappointed. I never had good experiences with men, let alone trying to be with one.

It's not a problem whether no one wants me.

In fact, there will always be some (I'm not trying to brag) but I just can't be with them.

I never believed in marriage as I think it would always end up with divorce. If people are in a relationship they would eventually argue and break up. I've had so many friends crying to me with things that went wrong so I'm inevitably not shocked.

I am confused with my own feelings, I ended up ignoring him.

My mind is jumbled up. I don't know if I like him or is it my fear in men and attachments that is hindering me. I really, really don't know what to do. Please help me. Thank you.

View related questions: divorce, text

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (28 July 2016):

N91 agony auntI can empathise with you massively. I'm very pessimistic when it comes to the thought of relationships, I always feel as though I'll be hurt in some way and feel it's better to not let myself get into that situation with someone. Therefore ill usually sleep with a girl and then just leave it at that and the majority of the time just fall out of contact with them.

I have liked people in the past though but I've never gotten serious with anyone. There has been times where it's come close but there's always been something happen to stop me becoming official.

Sometimes I think it's easier this way, then other tines I think it sucks a bit that I can't leg my guard fully down. I'm just assuming it will happen naturally over time with the right person, but until then ill probably continue as I am.

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A male reader, BrownWolf Canada + , writes (27 July 2016):

BrownWolf agony aunt"I never thought of admitting to my feelings."

"It's more of like killing the feeling before it starts"

Well...When you start blocking your proper feelings, what is left to interact with someone??? NOTHING!! When you realize you have nothing, what comes next??? FEAR that you have nothing.

Men are people just like you. We hurt, we cry, we bleed, and die. We are not super beings, or anything to be afraid of. In fact...most men are more afraid of women because, like you, we have a harder time handling rejection than a woman. Why??? We have a weakness called "An EGO".

Fact...can you get heart broken from being in a relationship? YES...but it also teaches you very important things, and makes you stronger. Very very few people go through life without at lease one heartache.

How to avoid it the best you can?...listen to your instincts. No matter how hot the guy is, how much he turns you on, no matter how rich...if you feel the guy is not right for you...then do not ignore it and think...oh he will change, and I will help him to change....Never happen.

Keep in mind...we are just as nervous as you. We are also waiting for you to show interest in us. We are also waiting for your text, your smile, your "hi how are you".

The scary part is...If you meet Mr.Right and you do not express yourself...he will become Mr.Right for someone else.

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