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Lying about watching porn...

Tagged as: Dating, Pornography<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (22 August 2010) 5 Answers - (Newest, 25 August 2010)
A male United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:

I've been lying to my girlfriend for years about my porn use. She caught me lying to her a few times in the beginning of our relationship (about other things as well as porn use) and has never really trusted me again properly since then. However I have always been adamant that I'm not hiding anything from her. We have had millions of talks about it and she's always remained skeptical that I am telling her the truth.

This has been going on for four+ years. I've been trying to convince her that I never watch porn, that I haven't watched it since she caught me a few years ago and that the incident was a one-off, a mistake. She has never believed me. Until recently, she has started to get way more trusting, the fights have stopped almost completely and she has been very happy. I think I may have finally convinced her that I don't watch porn, or talk to other girls behind her back, or any of the other things she has caught me doing in the past. Our relationship has been great these past few months. She hasn't caught me lying to her for over a year, and I've been persistent in telling her that I'm not lying, I'd never do that, I love her, etc. It seems to have finally worked.

I should be thrilled but I actually feel surprisingly guilty. Because the thing is, I do watch porn, and a lot of it, I just got better at hiding it. The weird thing is, in the beginning of our relationship she had no problem with porn use, it's only when she caught me lying about it that she started to have an issue with it. I think at this point she'd never be with me if she knew the extent of my porn use, but as far as she knows I'm an honest and faithful guy. My victory is hollow and now I don't know what to do. Seeing her be so happy, and so unsuspecting makes me feel very guilty. It's much worse than when she used to question me on everything. Watching porn now makes me feel sick and guilty. I haven't been able to orgasm to porn for the past 2 months or so since things in my relationship started to improve. It took so much convincing and fighting and talking and so much of her crying and being heartbroken, confused, disappointed to get to this point. Now I can't get her happy face out of my head and I feel like an asshole.

What a mess. What is the best thing to do?

View related questions: heartbroken, orgasm, porn

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A reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2010):

You are at a crossroads. For love's sake: DO THE RIGHT THING.

STOP!!!!!!!!!!!

You don't have to tell her you've lied, it will only hurt her (trust me on this one) but you should STOP now and never look back.

If you love her, you will stop now before it's all you have left!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2010):

Either come clean, stop watching porn, or split up with her. She deserves better than this. Obviously you can't be trusted if you lie to her so often and about so many things. Please save the poor girl all the hurt and either stay single or find someone who will hurt you just as much as you're probably going to hurt her.

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A female reader, smiliek Australia +, writes (22 August 2010):

smiliek agony auntYeah im with person and mia. My partner lied about his porn use too, but us gals are very good at picking lies. Difference being, he realised if he didnt stop lying we'd break up. He hasn't lied in months. In your situation, if you tell your gf you've been lying this whole time, expect her to dump you. Why should she have been lied to for so long over this topic? Either stop using it like you've said to her, or leave. Relationships are not built on lies

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A female reader, Miamine United Kingdom +, writes (22 August 2010):

Miamine agony auntYour post is very strange.. there is something funny about the words you use and it's tone..

You got no problem. Porn makes you feel guilty and sick, so just stop watching it and go and watch sports instead or go and kiss your girlfriend.

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A female reader, person12345 United States + , writes (22 August 2010):

person12345 agony auntWell you have three choices. One, stop lying about it. It's good you feel guilty because it's really deplorable that you've been persistently lying and hiding. Why do you feel you have the right to lie about this? Do you have an addiction? You know it bugs her, especially when you lie, but you continue to do so for absolutely no reason other than to protect your habit.

Two, stop watching porn. You know it bothers her, you know the relationship is better without porn, so just stop. It makes you feel sick and guilty. So stop! Why do you feel like you have to even if it makes you feel guilty, makes her cry, and you have to be that guy who has to lie to protect his habit? There's nothing positive at this point in doing it, so why do you continue? I'll ask again, do you think you might be addicted?

3) Leave. If your porn use is that important to you that you are willing to lie to your girlfriend for years, you're willing to make her cry over it, and the hope you have is that she'll stop catching you in your lies so you can have your porn to yourself, you should leave so she can find someone who respects her enough not to lie to her face and make her feel like crap. It would probably be good for her to be with someone who actually respects her enough to not lie constantly to her.

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