A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi. Please can someone help? I have been with my partner for nearly a year now. I am his first love and his first proper girlfriend. I also live with him and his mum. (She is hardly ever there though)He is a friend of my younger brother (my b.fd is 18) and we have known each other for years. We got together through something that started off as just sex. We are now deeply in love. He is very caring and sincere and I can tell he his totally in love with me. The thing is he has a very bad temper from time to time that has lead to him spitting at me, biting my forehead, putting his hands around my throat and pinning me to walls. He says he is sorry after and says it won't happen again but i can't help that that isn't true.We have no secrets and I told him he is violent with me but he said hitting someone is punching or kicking and he will never do this to me.How can I get it through to him that it's domestic abuse? Should I leave him or stay to help him?? Please help I don't know which way to turn?p.s He doesn't get on with his mum and I have seen him black here eye and throw her about.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi i am just updating you all on my situation, it has been one week since i sat down with my partner and told him how i feel and that i think he needs help. since this converstion the atmosphere in my home has been 100% better and we are getting on great. i know its only a week but time will tell and heres hoping its the start of our happy future together xx
A
female
reader, fran +, writes (2 September 2007):
i put up with that of me daughters father for 2yrs i was scared of him total bully get out while you can it will only get worse and violent! he is violating your bodily rights! he is a bullie and will never change get out and find someone betta if he loved you would not put a finger on you! you a person not a pursection!
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioncan i just say thank you to all the advice you have all given me. i have taken on board what you have all said. and i am going to my partner about going for help. i will keep you all imformed of how it turns out.
thank you all vey much xx
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A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (2 September 2007):
I think you sould leave your bf. If you stay to help him, you will find yourself high unsuccessful sadly. I know you want to help him but YOU cant do that. Someone who is abusive has A LOT of issues and problems, which only a professional can help him with. If you want to help him, suggest he talks to a professional. BUt still leave the relatioship because it can take ALONG time for someone to change. Perhaps you leaving him due to his abusivness will make him see that he cant get away with treating people lik this. So in a way, you leaving him will send him a message to motivate him to change. However if you stay with him, allow him to be abusive nad so on, he will continue to do it until you put a stop to it.
He may very well love you. He is a human being, who can feel love. However some people, like your bf just dont know how to treat people, even people they love. Whether he loves you or not isnt a good enough reason to decide whether or not you should stay. Love isnt all it takes for a healthy and successful relationship. It takes A LOT more.
But seriously, he wont change unless he gets pro help. Perhaps if he does do this, and later down the track you meet again and he can prove that he has changed then MAYBE, just maybe you may be able to trust him and get back together. But for the time being you need to feel safe and be away from him. The longer you stay in an abusive relationship, the worse effect this will have on you. Women who stay in abusive relationships can come out with all sorts of issues. So thats hwy tis important for you to get out now and maybe talk to a counsellor yourself to help deal with what you went through.
PM if you want to talk more :) let me know how it goes
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2007): Of course he doesn't get it on with his mother. Of course he says he would never hurt you and he loves you. Of course you love him back and want to 'help him'. Please girl these are the TYPICAL SYMPTOMS of the cycle of the abused woman. You'll find the same story in thousands of books, psychology and social work college text books and all over the internet. You are in an abusive relationship and you just don't understand it because no abused woman can understand it. Somebody else has to tell them. You can't get out of the abusive relationship and will always end up in one abusive relationship after another because you need psychological help to get out of your emotional problems you learned when you were little. Run away form that guy and don't expect a man to fulfil your emotional needs while you are still being untreated for codependence. Read about it. Go to a psychologist/psychiatrist. You can do your own search online and get tested for codependency. You can also get to learn online what a healthy relationship is supposed to be and what are the symptoms of an unhealthy relationship. You have a serious problem don't take it lightly. Do something about it today.
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A
female
reader, smeedle +, writes (2 September 2007):
 get rid off this man now. Let me tell you this is not love and never will be. How have you got yourself to this stage? Can you remember before you were in this situation......because I am sure you were actually happier and would not have accepted someone putting his hands around your throat!!!
hitting someone is not just punching or kicking as he says. His behaviousr is not acceptable and you do not deserve to live like this and should not.
Leave him and move on. There is a wonderful wide world out there that is awaiting you.
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A
male
reader, Escalaya  +, writes (2 September 2007):
 that's always a sticky situation. If EVER you feel unsafe, you need to get out immediately. Safety is your top priority, hun.
If he's got anger management issues, he needs to go to therapy, speak to him about that, and hopefully that will help. Best of luck hun.
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A
female
reader, samohir  +, writes (2 September 2007):
 Maybe you should live apart from his family... I think that would be a god start. If possible. Ask him to get a flat or something apart,u ll find both way up after. And if you love him, honestly u must speak to him. tell him how do u feel and that you simply dont want to live a life like that forverever. Guess you dont want, since u wrote such a question. If he doesnt stop abusing, simply leave him, would not have any benefit from living with him, if he is abusing. Only if u re masochist.
Hope that helped.
Good luck
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