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Love, virginity, scared. How do I deal with my fears about losing my virginity with my BF?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Dating, Pregnancy, Sex, Teenage, Trust issues, Virginity<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (26 July 2012) 14 Answers - (Newest, 10 August 2012)
A female United Kingdom age 22-25, *ove. writes:

So I'm a virgin a complete utter virgin, but I think I might be too childish or I am thinking too childish about sex. My body is telling me it wants to but my head is saying different. I'm not scared of having sex, I'm just scared of what my boyfriend will think of me. Like do men like your pubic hair to shaven all off, or just neat or what this kind of stuff is bugging me. I know my boyfriend wants to and I feel bad for rejecting him all the time, he also feels bad that he keeps trying. I really need help on this one. Thanks.

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A male reader, AlexGenius Ukraine +, writes (10 August 2012):

Just do not drive away the people that you are interested. I judge by yourself. I'm 23. Never had a girl, even just have not met. First kiss, too, with no one there. In general, I only had two dates in my entire life. Because I am a white crow. And find the same white crow is very difficult.

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A female reader, Aunt lexi United Kingdom +, writes (4 August 2012):

If you aren't ready, don't let him rush you! it could end up being the biggest mistake of your life. i dont mean to sound rude but please don't allow him to have you in that way if you feel childish about it. i think if you are feeling childish about it then maybe just talk to him about it, tell him how you are feeling and what your concerns are, maybe then he will reassure you, if you still feel a bit awkward about doing anything then you obviously aren't ready. Maybe save yourself for when you are older, meet someone who you are totally sure of or when you are completely ready in yourself. and with the pubic hair, it really is down to the male preference some like it some dont mind and some hate it .

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2012):

Stop making sex a big issue. You are a virgin. Save it for someone who wants to have children and build a home with you. Not some guy who is only interested in breaking your hymen. A boyfriend is just that. A BOY. Until your boyfriend chooses to become a man & marry you, your vagina is out of bounds to him. Period.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (27 July 2012):

chigirl agony auntI don't think you're ready either. If you're so concerned about things then you're not ready to do this. But getting ready isn't always about waiting and waiting and waiting. If you're making yourself nervous then it wont matter how long you wait, it'll continue to be scary.

What I suggest you do is be brave and take a step forward in this situation. For example, TALK to him about sex. Ask him how he likes a girl to look. But, I will tell you, YOU are the one who gets to decide how YOU want to look. Not him. It's like I tell my lovers, I am happy to hear their preferences, but that does not mean I will always follow them. I do whatever I please with my appearance, although I might occasionally shave/trim/wear underwear that my current lover prefers. There's never been a problem with that. Asking him what he likes doesn't mean he'll be against anything else. It's just a preference, and you can still chose to follow it or not. It doesn't really matter. If he dumps a girl for shaving it all off, for instance, I am fairly sure he would have mentioned that to you already! So, if he hasn't brought it up, I'm going to say it doesn't really matter to him.

But talk about it. And then, maybe the next step would be to see him naked. Not you naked. Just him. Have a look. Then you can show some of yourself IF you feel like it. Maybe you can touch him and get to know his body. Being intimate with him would probably make you feel more comfortable about allowing him to touch you and look at you.

By the way, guys worry WAY more about what we women think about their penis, than what we women concern ourselves with. Many guys have their entire sexual identity attached to their penis. So he's probably got his own worries about what you will think of him too.

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A female reader, BondGirl72 United States +, writes (27 July 2012):

BondGirl72 agony auntI agree with some of the other posts. When the time is right, you will know it and want it. It isn't right for you yet. That is nothing to be ashamed of and it certainly isn't anything for which you must apologize. When the time is right, you will know it.

Same thing with him wanting to finger you. If you don't want him to do it, tell him. He may not be pressuring you directly, but you are feeling pressured or you would not be so concerend about it right now. Don't push yourself to do something you know you do not want yet.

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A male reader, daletom United States +, writes (27 July 2012):

To put it directly - you're probably not ready for a sexual relationship with your B/F.

When the time is right BOTH of you will want it, and want it with each other. The things you mentioned won't be a factor.

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A female reader, Love. United Kingdom +, writes (27 July 2012):

Love. is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Love. agony auntWell I've been with my boyfriend 4 months, he isn't a virgin he knows I am and isn't pressuring me into and is willing to wait. The only thing that he is wanting to do is finger me, (sorry don't know the correct term). I'm just afraid of what he'll think or feel which is weird. I'm a massive overthinker.

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A female reader, Daisy_Daisy United Kingdom + , writes (27 July 2012):

Daisy_Daisy agony auntLeave it 3 months or 6 months. Tell your bf this is your decision for now, and you can discuss it again at that time. But for now, stop stressing, enjoy being with your bf without this stress hanging over you both. You're just not ready and that's totally normal and OK.

As for shaven or not, I really think that'll be the last thing on your bf's mind! Be comfortable for you - for me, that means trimmed. I am very uncomfortable with shaven personally (stubbly rashes are not erotic), and you're a young woman with pubic hair, not prepubescent.

Just relax, put this issue to one side and give yourself more time. Your bf sounds nice. He'll understand and should respect you for respecting yourself.

Good luck. Relax and enjoy dating :)

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A male reader, DoubleM United States + , writes (27 July 2012):

DoubleM agony auntIf you are not comfortable about it, then don't do it.

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A female reader, Denise32 United States +, writes (27 July 2012):

Denise32 agony auntHow long have you been dating? If its only been a matter of weeks, or a couple of months, it may be still too soon. Yes, you should talk to your boyfriend and express your concerns.

Get to know him even better than you do now, and build up some mutual trust. If he really values you and the relationship he'll be willing to wait at least a little longer. If he starts applying pressure, then that's a red flag.

One more thing: do you know if he (presuming he isn't a virgin) is free from any sexually transmitted diseases? I know that's not a very romantic subject, but all it takes is sleeping with one person who is, knowingly or unknowingly infected, and then the next person he/she sleeps with, catches the bug. (There's a slogan that when you have sex with someone, you're also indirectly, having sex with all their previous partners).

Make sure you have good contraception such as the pill, when you and he decide to take the plunge, and he should also use a condom. I know some people think you can't get pregnant the first time, but the unfortunate truth is you CAN and some girls do........

Good luck!

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A female reader, BondGirl72 United States +, writes (27 July 2012):

BondGirl72 agony auntIf you're with your boyfriend and you are not sure about having sex yet...don't do it. You need to discuss this with him and if he cares about you, he will wait. To me, you don't even have to have an excuse why. You're not ready, so you don't do it.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2012):

Men generally care less about those specifics and more about being with you in all honesty. If they don't they kinda suck!

Focus more on being happy not what everything looks like that will just make it difficult to enjoy being together ;)

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A female reader, LaceratedReality Australia +, writes (26 July 2012):

If your boyfriend loved you he would be willing to wait until you are ready to have sex, not keep pressuring you.

If you think that you ARE ready for sex with him, you need to be able to TALK to him about it first. Ask him all these questions which are bothering you (not in the heat of the moment). If you are too uncomfortable to ask him, then you should not be having sex yet anyway.

Make sure you use protection if you do decide to have sex. Listen to your head though, do not have sex unless you are ready.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (26 July 2012):

chigirl agony auntTalk to your boyfriend about this. If you and him can't talk about sex then you/him and you/this relationship isn't ready.

If you talk about it and you are still worried or scared then wait.. that's the only advice I can give you. But by talking to him I am sure you will feel better about this. Just ask him what your concerns are about how he will think you look etc.

But to tell you the truth: guys don't care how you look. If he cares for you, he will love having you naked no matter what you look like. And, being a teenage guy, he will be so amazed to have a girl naked in his bed that he'll be all over you, no matter what you look like. Guy's aren't picky about details, they just love having a naked girl in bed, especially if it's someone they care about.

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