| A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: First it's important to know that I have never had this occur before, never thought it even slightly possible, and hope it never happens again. I'm 35 and 3 years ago I moved workplaces. I was assigned a mentor, B, who was great in showing me the ropes, etc. We got along immediately and the more we learned of each other, the more we understood that we shared a great deal in common, not just interests but our views on almost everything. For months I just saw him as a great colleague and I had no attraction towards him (hadn't even crossed my mind). But then things changed dramatically and almost in an instant I realized I loved everything about him. Even though I never believed in the idea of a soulmate, here was this person that seemed to fit the bill. I've always been a logical person so I talked myself into believing that my newly found feelings for B was because I was starting to become unhappy in my long-term relationship with A - we were battling a number of issues which I won't go into here. So being very confused by my shifting feelings, I tried to pretend I had no feelings for B and tried to resolve the problems with A. The best part of a year went by and the feelings never went away and I ended up guiltily confessing to A that I had an embarrassingly persistent crush. He was upset but agreed that it wasn't like me and, knowing how our relationship problems had left me fairly distressed, in an act of good will, A urged me to explore my feelings for B and maybe disclose them. I was reluctant at first but in a strange turn of events, it was B who drunkenly disclosed his feelings towards me. Of course I felt wonderful but terribly guilty too. B also felt bad because he now had a girlfriend. The only right thing to do, I felt, was rather than destroy 2 relationships, was to go back and work harder on my relationship with A. I admitted to A that B's feelings were reciprocated but my duty was to him and that I would work at getting rid of my feelings for B. I think A had assumed that B wouldn't be interested and he became understandably angry and upset that I saw B on most work days. Things became quite tense and finally A confessed some things too - one of the most major being that he'd had an affair with my best friend, C. It was all over, in the past and didn't mean anything, he promised. I guess I felt relieved because it eased my guilt a bit but the reality eventually hit home, costing me my friendship with C and my trust in A because I had often queried him about his closeness to C but he'd denied anything. I didn't tell B about this because I didn't want him to think that I now expected him to leave his girlfriend, besides I wanted to keep our friendship more work-oriented to help abate my feelings. I told him I was having issues but working through them, which I wasn't doing too well because I was just getting quite depressed. Nearly a year later, B told me he was getting married. I was truly happy for him even though he seemed a bit apprehensive. I then decided I would tell him about some of my problems and explained about A's affair and how unhappy I was. B soothed me and it got out of hand with both of us still having feelings for one another but the circumstances being all wrong. I told him I was sorry and we backed away. That was 6 months ago.I still work with B, I am still with A who wants to make things better but my heart isn't in it because I don't think I can forgive him, not for cheating, but for never telling me until I had admitted I had done wrong by him. I don't see C anymore and she has down-played her affair with A to it being a fling rather than the real year-long thing it was, and virtually all of our mutual friends have turned their back on me for "over-reacting". I haven't bothered to defend this because I don't want for C's husband to know the truth - that is for C to tell him and she has chosen to lie. I have been very depressed and completely withdrew from being friendly to B, he now acts similarly distant towards me. I don't know what to do. I keep trying to do the 'right' thing but it keeps hurting more and more. I feel like I've lost everything.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (28 September 2011):
I think the underlying problem is your relationship with A. If it wasn't so troubled to begin with, you wouldn't have developed feelings for someone else and then found yourself unable to pursue them openly.
If you end the relationship with A, and be single, then you'd be free to pursue any new relationship and not be wracked with guilt.
If you stay with A, you have to ask yourself what's going to happen? What is the likelihood you'll be able to be happy with A, given that he has cheated on you and you have massive distrust in him, and on top of that are battling feelings for someone else. If you continue to stay with A, you may find this whole situation repeating again in the future but with a different person other than B.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (27 September 2011):
 Seems to me that you should end your relationship with A and find "yourself". Don't jump from relationship to relationship. I don't see you and A being able to fix your relationship. B wasn't the reason your relationship with A wasn't working. A's cheating might have had something to do with it, or it might have been a symptom of a relationship already in the dumps.
I think overall you have anazlysed the situation quite clearly, except... I don't see why you would ever forgive A for screwing around with your BFF or forgive C for that matter.
I think it's time for you to start a new path. Since B is now getting married, you need to keep contact to a minimum with him.
Hopefully you will meet a Mr. X and forget the rest of the alphabet.
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A
female
reader, sappygirl +, writes (27 September 2011):
 I think you are upset with yourself for not doing the right thing by standing up for yourself. The truth is your boyfriend and best friend betrayed you and did the worse thing imaginable. They never owned up to it and turned it around to make you feel like it was you. It's not you. Although most people who would have their boyfriend slept with their bf would dump their man in a heartbeat.
I don't know why you are keeping A around because the trust is gone in your relationship and without trust, you don't have anything. I'm not sure if you even love him anymore, but just afraid of changes and making a move to start a new life.
You have the power to make a better life for yourself.
Are you afraid to be alone? do you not think you deserve happiness? Do you not think you deserve a healthy happy relationship filled with trust, honestly and love?
These are questions you must explore. I do feel you need to end things with A. If he lied to you about the affair, and he feels he got away with it, he is very capable of hurting you again.
As for your friends who turn their back on you, seems to me they were never good friends in the first place, because good friends always have your back.
With B, its best to keep it a working professional relationship. He does have a fiance and you don't want to go there and be the other woman.
It's best to be alone no and get to know yourself. Learn to love yourself and forgive yourself. This time should be use to be strong and learn not to be a doormat for others to hurt and take advantage of you. You sound like a sweet person and unfortunately sometimes the people you love the most is the ones that hurt you the most.
Love will come again when you are ready, but at this moment in your life, you are not ready and need to work out all the issues. Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (27 September 2011):
 I really don't understand how you could forgive A for what he done to you. Your best friend? Wow if that was me I would have kicked him straight out the door. As for your mutual friends, they are not much friends if they think you are over reacting. Your partner and your friend done the one thing that should never be done and broke your trust. I think you need to get out of the relationship with A because it is not healthy for you, and I do believe your trust for him is gone some what. Get out of the relationship and start again fresh.
As for B well he knows how you feel and I guess the both of you where just trying to do the right thing by holding in them feelings. But I think you should break up with A and tell B exactly how you feel. Nothing might come of it and he might still get married but at least you are following your heart and being true to yourself. Open up to B and let him know that there is the option there for him. Start looking after yourself and not everybody else.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2011): Seems to me that your relationship with A is at the root of all this. The relationship is flawed and no amount of trying and hoping will repair it. You ought to free yourself and make a new start. Maybe neither A or B are right for you now. If you can, be brave and make a step that will allow you to turn the page.
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