A
male
age
30-35,
*iotyamaharacer
writes: OK so weve started out as friends I'm 23 she's 21. She does have 2 kids and a baby daddy they're kind of falling out lately he's kind of abusive, verbal, physical etc.lately we've been hanging out and she's been hugging me alot. Sitting closer to me. Laying with her head on my lap last night we played together on the couch for awhile. Her baby daddies starting to get jealous of me calling me her bf, but on that note we never had sex. But I feel we keep getting closer and close. She's the definition of a hot mess, but I do so well with this girl and I just love being around her. But I'm to the point I feel other than the baby daddy drama cuz hell always be involved with her in some way shape or form, but I feel we can have a pretty awesome relationship, she is bipolar and I deal with it incredibly well. I'm Soo in love with this girl I'm not sure what to do.
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male
reader, riotyamaharacer +, writes (22 March 2015):
riotyamaharacer is verified as being by the original poster of the question@msa I love her personality, she's not shy at all, pretty much a tom boy, we have a lot of similar interests like music festivals, etc. Usually I have a hard time actually sitting there listening to women I've dated but this girl is always able to keep my attention. Since I've met her she keeps telling me I need to move out of my parents and get my own place. I applied for a better job and I get to give the job a shot and see if I like it and after that I can stay. Which it starts at 12 and you get a raise pretty fast. And the money can get pretty high up in the 20s if you are good. But since I've met her I'm more motivated than I've been in a long time, the last girl seriously screwed me up and it was over a year ago.I had cut for awhile after and I got myself pretty deep at times, but the girl I'm talking to now cut herself before as well, so I guess since she understands it a bit so I don't feel judged.plz don't think I'm crazy the girl I was with last drove me to a point where I was thinking about suicide for 2 months
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2015): How do you make it work?
ALWAYS wear a condom & use an additional form of birth control so that you do not add another person to this family. Already 2 kids with 2 different baby daddies at 21 is enough.
Be civil and polite with the other men in her life. Yes, you will have to deal with them at least until the kids are grown, and probably see them occasionally at family events after that. Try to make friends if possible.
Make sure she has insurance coverage for therapy, so she can have her depression/bipolar treated at all times! Never let her off her meds. She needs to be productive and functioning to be a good partner and parent.
Hope this helps.
Best of luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2015): There is no way to make it work. You'll be spending most of your time in the relationship putting out fires. When she and her babies' daddy have disagreements; you will feel you have a right to step-in to defend her. He will probably put you in your place, if it involves his children.
You also have to form some sort of relationship with the children. They can't be left-out of this situation. So how's your parenting skills? She can't just go out at the drop of a hat, you may need a baby-sitter. Their dad isn't going to offer you any convenience; so you'll probably have to pay for the sitter. If he's the jealous-type, he'll make sure he's a thorn in your side at all times. He'll always be around, unless she moves in with you. Do you have enough room? No matter where she goes, he's not far behind.
You made a comparison between your bipolar lady-friend, and a former girlfriend with borderline personality-disorder.
The symptoms tend to overlap, so sometimes it is difficult to tell the difference. I think you still don't really know exactly what it is you're getting into; which is why you're asking how to make it work. As convoluted as this all seems, that's admission you really haven't figured this all out. You just think you love her, and you can handle all the fringe-elements. The reality is, there will be so many complications; the relationship will survive only a few months. If that long.
Go ahead and jump in with both feet. Since you feel dealing with her issues is a cake-walk compared to another extreme you've obviously gotten yourself out of. You won't be able to tell much of a difference between her behavior and that of your ex; once you experience a full-fledged bipolar episode with her, and can't just leave and comeback when she's feeling better.
You need to spend a couple of months living with your little family. You need on-the-job experience; then you'll bail out on her in about six-months tops! You're very young and your hormones may override your common-sense; and your youth may limit your judgement to some degree. Sometimes it takes learning the hard-way.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 March 2015):
 OP thank you for verifying what I said. When you originally posted you said “I don’t know what to do” We responded to you based on that. Now you are admitting that you have NO INTENTION of walking away from this disaster waiting to happen.
I ask you to try this assignment for yourself.
Get TWO sheets of lined paper. Draw a line down the middle of both. At the top of each column write PRO on the left side and CON on the right.
On the first sheet title it IDEAL WOMAN.
On the second sheet title it “name of my bipolar wanna be gf”
Put the second sheet away for right now.
Take the first sheet and list ALL the things you WANT in an IDEAL DREAM woman on the PRO side. It can be anything from long blonde hair and blue eyes to ability to cook dinner, to cleans the bathroom regularly. WHATEVER it is you NEED and WANT in your ideal partner.
ON the right side under cons you list all the deal breakers for you. “doesn’t bathe daily” has bad breathe… whatever it is that you can’t tolerate in that partner.
We all have things we are willing to put up with. Do not list those… for example if a woman biting her nails is not a big deal for you then it’s not a deal breaker it’s just something that drives you nuts but you would put up with it. For some folks nail biting is a deal breaker.
THIS IS YOUR PERSONAL PRIVATE LIST so be brutally honest. (if you fudge it you are only hurting yourself I the long run)
Once you finish your pros and cons of your IDEAL woman, put that list away. Stop thinking about it.
Now sit down and do the same thing for this bi-polar hot mess (your words not ours) . LIST all her qualities both good and bad.
How much do you really know about her? How closely to your ideal does she fit? WHAT are HER deal breakers?
THIS will help you figure out how to proceed.
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A
female
reader, MSA +, writes (18 March 2015):
 Some people think that as long as you feel you're in love with someone, you will be able to accept anything and everything. Sometimes, reality is a little different.
As someone mentioned, right now, you're just a 'house guest'. You're not living it yet.
What is it that you see about this girl that you SO LOVE aside from the fact that she's a HOT MESS? What qualities does she have that makes her a good girlfriend / wife?
If you're really serious about this girl, I suggest you keep your distance (no sex) until she sorts things out and moves out and away from the baby daddy. You'll need to have a serious talk with her about commitments and boundaries. Not saying the baby daddy can't visit his children, but he can't be living with her.
Hopefully, in your favor, now that she's a mother of two children, she'll want to 'behave' for the good of her children and settle down with ONE man (YOU) so she can provide stability and a good future for her children.
It's not going to be an easy road, should this be the road you choose. Best of luck to you!
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A
male
reader, riotyamaharacer +, writes (18 March 2015):
riotyamaharacer is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI already stated before that I know I'll always have to deal with the baby daddy because of the kids. I'm not looking to leave, this guy is right here to stay. The advice I'm looking for is how to make this all work, I have incredibly strong feeling for this girl, she's everything I would like and more, yes she is bipolar and that's not an issue to me bipolar seems normal compared to the last girl, who was borderline personality disorder
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 March 2015):
All we said and the ONLY reply is to address whether or not you know the baby daddy will be in the picture? OP, your lack of acknowledgement of everyone saying to not get involved with her says EVERYTHING I need to know. You want advice on how to make it happen with her.
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A
male
reader, riotyamaharacer +, writes (18 March 2015):
riotyamaharacer is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWise owl I'm pretty sure I state earlier that I fully understand he would be involved in some way or another
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (17 March 2015):
 I'm sorry, OP I FULLY agree with WiseOwlE and SVC.
You have seen NOTHING yet of her bi-polar episodes. She is 21? with 2 kids? And a baby-daddy who is abusive but STILL in the picture?
It's MORE drama than ANYONE your age needs. Heck even at 45 I'd run screaming from that.
I married a man with an ex-wife and kid thinking it could be done cordially and in a way so the KIDS would benefit from their dad having remarried. I was being naive. BUT at least I had had a long-term SUCCESSFUL relationship PRIOR to meeting my now hubby. I KNEW what it takes to make things work, though... I would HAVE loved to avoiding a lot of drama (caused by this ex-wife).
She is a HOT mess for sure, this girl NEEDS to sort herself out and her "relationship" with the baby-daddy BEFORE she even TRY to start a new one.
Don't jump in feet first in freezing water.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2015): You're standing on the railroad tracks blind-folded with love, waiting to get run-over by a train.
She's a bipolar 21 year-old mother of two, with a jealous baby daddy? Don't leave out any other ingredients for disaster! You are sitting on a ticking time-bomb!
You're only 23, which means you have little experience with complicated relationships, and you're falling for trouble.
Before you fall deeper, tell your smaller-head your larger one is going to do all the thinking in this situation. There is nothing to come of this, but problems you don't have the slightest clue how to handle. It is far too combustible!
No sir!!! You are not good with her bipolarity. Apparently, she hasn't had a major bipolar-episode. You're fine with it; because you haven't dealt with her when the real symptoms of her mental-disorder are in full swing! You still have the option to pick-up and go home, like a guest should. You have to stick around for the real party!
If your relationship consists of nothing but hanging out and cuddling; then you've only seen the "house-guest" version of her life. You've only "heard" the stories, living them is different!
Move on young man! You're just another volatile-ingredient before her life completely explodes! The situation you've described is your parent's nightmare!
By the way, you can't just wait until her ex is out of the picture. They have two kids together; he will always be involved, and he comes with the whole messed-up package!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 March 2015):
As a woman involved with an unstable man my option is to tell you to RUN Forest RUN....
she's a HOT mess
she's 21 with TWO children with a man that she's not married to effectively cheating on him with you... (yes she is even if she's not having sex with you)
so when she gets pissed with you (if you two end up together) and she's off on the couch with some other dude what will you think or feel?
or will you're post be about how crazy the bitch is then?
IF you want to be her new boyfriend then walk away now and tell her to contact you after she's left him for real otherwise you are just making a big huge mess.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2015): Leave.
Too much drama this early on? L-E-A-V-E.
Btw, you haven't told her anything about her personality etc.-only that she is a "hot mess"???
So you only like her coz she is hot? Jeeez...
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