A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi all,I'm in a fairly difficult situation and i would appreciate some thoughts. I was with my ex for almost two years,we were engaged and about to move into our first place together. However there has always been some intimacy issues - he's a lot more attracted to me and wants more affection then i can give. I started to feel pressured, which made me want him less and less and he started to feel rejected, which made me feel guilty. I went though a phase where i just went off everything and pushed him away. I've been stressing about the move, work and various other things too, but I'm not 100% sure why my emotional appetite vanished.He snapped two days ago and told me he had to think about whether it was fair to both of us to be together and that I'm to blame for my lack of passion and breaking us. It's digging a whole in my heart because i can't promise I can change. He says he misses me and wants us to work, but he doesn't want me to hurt him anymore. Has anyone been in a similar situation before or can offer me any advice?thanks
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female
reader, bob43  +, writes (15 November 2010):
Hi,
I don't know why this has me down as female, when I'm all male!
I think my ex unconsciously held me accountable for things that other men had done to her. SO she couldn't let herself give herself to me. Maybe you experienced something similar.
Glad i could help, and happy for you that you're sorting things out.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for all your answers. especially bob43 for giving me a heartfelt and honest perspective from my ex's viewpoint.To answer your questions: I have had troubles in the past and my last break up really hurt me and shook me up. I've also had bad experiences with previous partners. My mind and soul have been a little wrecked in the past which i think did affect my relations with my ex.
I would also say that I probably didn't have to work too hard as he overcompensated too. But i never felt like i didn't deserve him or had to be punished, just guilty for not returning his affection.. But as an update, these last few days have really made me see what i could lose and put everything into focus. We've been really talking and working on things and we both feel better for it!
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A
female
reader, bob43 +, writes (10 November 2010):
Hi,
I'm in a very simliar situation, just on the other side of the coin!
my ex left me after we lived together, because she felt that she couldn't love me like i loved her, she felt guilty about that and said she didn't want to hurt me anymore. She often felt pressured, even though I stopped doing anything to make her fee like that. Have a look for my question and see what you think.
See if you're the same or similar to what she was. I'm pretty sure that she had trust issues, and felt as if she couldn't give herself to me ever when she really, really wanted to. Because deep down she didn't want to get hurt again. Does this sound like you? My ex said she couldn't promise she could change either, that's anothr reason she left.
Have you been badly hurt in the past and don't fee like you can be intimate, show him love and affection and fell guilty about that?
I too wanted more affection than she could give. This is going to sound stupid so please don't take it the wrong way - did you feel that because he was like he was and you knew you had him, that you didn't have to work for him?
If it's like that or similar, then I'm guessing that my ex went from wanting me, to then having me and feeling as if she didn't deserve me and felt that she needed to be punished and suffer for the 'bad things she'd done', which was actually things that had been done to her.
Sorry to go on, is this helping / sounding familiar?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2010): Let him go. He desrves to be with someone who will recipocate his emotions.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (10 November 2010):
 You cannot force yourself to feel something so I see no clear way through this. I suppose you can try to go one dates again to try and bring back that sort of attraction, perhaps then, within the nescient state of emotion you may find, you will be able to find an attraction to him and you can go from there.
I hope that helps.
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