A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:25 years ago I married my high school sweetheart and I thought we'd share the rest of our life together. Then four years ago, her father passed away, and she lost her job within about a month of each other. She found another job but I could tell she wasn't happy. She started going out more with her friends, staying away from home, sometimes traveling out of town on the week-ends and then not long after that, she told me we had outgrown each other, and she needed some space to sort things out. I was devastated. We went to counseling, and all it really revealed is that she no longer felt attracted to me and hadn't for a number of years. She also said when she was working at a stressful job, she didn't want to uproot her homelife because she needed the stability, but after the job was gone, she realized out empty our relationship was. I believe she is just going through some kind of depression, but she says no, losing her Dad and her job just made her take stock of her life and that's when she knew she needed a change. I also discovered that she's harbored some bitterness over never having children. She wanted them-I didn't, but I never knew it would come to this. She says our life is not fulfilling anymore and that we've outgrown each other and she has nothing to look forward to and doesn't want to spend the next 20 years feeling empty. I do not want to let her go. I walk around our house in a daze, I read cards and notes she used to give me, and I cannot believe this is the same woman who has suddenly fallen out of love for me. I don't know what to do!! Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Ponungalungb  +, writes (5 January 2008):
 As I see it, if she wanted kids, and you didn't, that should have been dealt with before you said your marriage vows. That's a pretty significant difference.
There has to be a common ground that perpetuates the relationship through time. You two have obviously lost the common ground. To rebuild takes time and effort on both parts. If one is not willing, then it's time to move onward . . . separately, if that's what it takes.
Best wishes.
A
female
reader, baby duck + ♥, writes (5 January 2008):
 Although I have not lost my parents, I am a woman, so maybe I can help with understanding how your wife might be thinking.
I know, in the case of my failing marriage, I have told my husband what I need since we have been dating. He has dismissed me. My requests were not unreasonable. I suppose men hearing what I have to say might think, 'typical woman ... trying to change her man'. But I am saying this to you, to help you understand your wife. I thought that my husband was just 'shy'. I thought that as we got older together, he would stop the silent treatments. They only got worse.
Maybe your wife thought that her requests were not unreasonable. Maybe she thought that you were just afraid of the responsibility of parenthood, but that as you gained confidence, that natural urges would kick in and you'd want to be a father. I am not saying there is anything inherently right or wrong with a choice to parent or not to parent. Hindsight is 20/20, and perhaps your wife realizes that if you said you did not want children, she should have left you 25 years ago, knowing that she did want children. Just as you had no idea that this would affect you now, to this level, I am sure that she had no idea either.
Often times, things that men dismiss, are crucial to a woman's well being. Communication, for example. Most women I know are not asking for their men to be women, with manly parts. We know that you guys don't want to talk about something to death, the way we do. But if there is something wrong in the relationship between a man and a woman, the man has to talk about it ... whether he likes it or not. This is not a WANT for a woman, it is a NEED. In fact, without an emotional connection (and there is NO emotional connection when there is poor communication, as far as women are concerned), most women view sex as their bodies being used for his orgasm ... so he can roll over and go to sleep ... while she cries herself to sleep.
Perhaps you are the exception, anonymous male 51 - 59. Perhaps you have been the epitome of expressed feelings all along, and are truly baffled at why your wife seems to be a different woman. If, however, your marriage is anything like mine, your wife has begged and pleaded and cried ... and journaled and gone to counseling ... all the while, you're saying that everything is fine, that she has a problem ... and if that is the case, well ... then ... this is what happens.
In the end, though ... we've all been sold a bill of goods. We've all grown up with the notion that if we stick to it, our marriages can last. People want to blame women's rights for the divorce rate. Well, people will do whatever they can to keep themselves 'innocent', and repel any responsibility, but that means they can't learn and grow. People DO grow and change and that IS by design. If they communicate the ENTIRE time and not just at moments of crisis, and if they are willing to accept that their partner is not happy ... and if they are willing to accept half of the responsibility, than they have half the power to turn it around. The divorce rate is not merely an indication that marriage, as it exists, is failing. It is an indication that people are willing to take responsibility for their own happiness. They use to put it all on their partner, and expect the SPOUSE to make them happy. Well ... that's faulty logic. We all are accountable for our own happiness, and if we genuinely love each other when we marry and if we communicate from the get go (that is where my husband just cannot participate at any level), than there is hope.
There must be love, there must be trust (impossible without effective communication) and there must be commitment. Any one of those are missing, and the marriage is doomed.
What ever happens with you and your wife, I hope that you learn about yourself and that she continues to learn about herself. I hope that you both grow and heal. I hope that you both learn to create peace in your life, whether together or not.
Best wishes.
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A
male
reader, Ponungalungb +, writes (5 January 2008):
I feel for you. I know when I lost my father, I had a life crisis too. I took stock of my life at that time and realized I wanted more than what I had. My own mortality came into plain view. It was a stressful time. I can understand what your wife is going through.
Having said that, I don't know how you can change how she's feeling.
I would suggest counseling for you both. See if there's any hope for reconciliation. If not, take stock of your own life. If there was something that you've always wanted to try or do but didn't, for one reason or another, now is the time to do it. Don't dwell in the past and don't give up hope. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Dr. John + ♥, writes (4 January 2008):
 It sounds like she thinks she will find fulfillment somewhere other than with you.
She could be grasping at straws if you have been doing all you can to keep her warm, so to speak.
She may soon wake up and realize that the grass isn't necessarily greener on the other side of the fence.
I have found an article you might like to read which should offer some help. Hang in there. Dochttp://www.watchtower.org/e/200607/article_01.htm
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