A
male
age
51-59,
*lyer
writes:I had a motorcycle accident last saturday whilst on holiday where I was initially paralysed from the neck down then recovered feelings. It will be a long term healing process as I struggle to walk, have spine damage etc. I am determined to do what I can.My girlfriend of 21/2 years in the UK initially was supportive and spoke to me. I was too ill for visitors too. She did brcome an hysterical wreck and contacted the police when I didnt grt back within hours. I was in the bed full of morphine!!Her primary care was telling me about the £20k her dad is buying her and asking what colour, engine size etc. When my life has been devastsd and I will be co-dependent on others, I thought the topic very selfish. I sent an email saying that mu life had been ruined and that I couldnt relate to her. I wished her well for the future because she didnt seem to care or grasp how seriously ill I am. That was on wednesday evening and now on friday evening I have heard nothing from her. She has had a number of short term relatioships and is attractive and very chatming. Seems to me that she has no deep or profound attachment and simply gets another boyfriend.She knows that my situation is terrible with life changing injuries and lonely in a foreign hospital waiting for medical evacuation to a spinal unit in the UK.Is she selfish? Doesnt really care? Spoiled? Doesnt want a disabled boyfriend? Cant get over mu message sent when at a low ebb? I would have carried on trying to talk realising what an awful situation they are in. My feeling is that she should contact me first.I am looking for opinions and suggestions to make my head clear. Gut feeling says she is weak and selfish and to be rid of her.
View related questions:
disabled, on holiday Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (18 June 2016):
Unfortunately for you, the message you sent her could only have done 2 things: either it helped her to see that she was saying and doing the wrong things (perhaps in a kindly but naïve attempt to keep things normal for you), or it set her free. Perhaps she does feel that your problems are too much for her: I live with a disability and I wouldn’t personally judge anyone who didn’t want to deal with it, even if I thought it a shame that they’d reached this view. If she has chosen to walk away, it doesn’t necessarily mean that she is selfish and uncaring. She might be, but she could equally see that she can’t give you what you need. Would you rather come to depend on her only for her to duck out later on? Her initial distress suggests to me that she does care very much about you and that’s a real positive. IF she wants to stick around, she will come back to you. Perhaps she needs time to process the enormity of this: something life-changing like a serious illness or injury affects everyone around you as well as the sufferer. I think you should assume she has taken your suggestion and walked away so that you don’t keep hanging on for something that isn’t to be. Then if she gets in touch, great: you can talk honestly and try and find out where you stand. Sometimes assuming the worst is the best thing when you’ve got little in the way of closure, because once you’ve got your head around the worst scenario, there is nothing worse to come.
I hope your recovery goes well and that you receive all the support you need.
I wish you all the very best.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 June 2016):
 Maybe she was just in shock. It's hard to know instantly and instinctively how to respond to such life altering news- one literally does not know what to say. Plus, there are different schools of thought about comforting people in serious distress. Some people will let you, or encourage you, to vent, talk, express all your fears, cry, go wild with grief, take it all out. Some instead will try, more or less clumsily, to distract you from your worries by talking about normal, banal, even cheerful things. It's also their way to reassure you that it's business as usual, lifes goes on regardless of the curve ball you got thrown at.
You don't know yet. Of course there's a possibility that she is superficial, selfish , wants nothing to do with a disabled bf, etc. but it's early to say- her actions haven't shown that yet. I think you jumped the gun. Just because she did not react at once the way you expected or wanted, you have actually dumped her.
You said that you could not relate to her , and you wished her well for the future. What was she supposed to say in reply ? Even if she does not agree, the last thing she would want is to start an argument with someone in your conditions.
Talking abut selfish - not that at the present time you don't have any reason to be absolutely , totally selfish and to think only of your impaired ( not " ruined " )quality of life. But you haven't thought , when you say that this accident ruined your life, that if she just even cares about you ( and she must, otherwise why has she been with you for the last 2 .5 years ? ) then her life is ruined too.
If you are a couple , whatever radically altered your life, will alter her too- less dramatically, but still a lot. It's hard to know how to respond to such sudden negative changes, and probabaly her making light of things was just the expression of how frazzled and hard -hit too she was.
Give yourself time. Focus on your recovery and on getting some of your strength back. When you'll be out of shock yourself, and hopefully in a less velnerable state of mind, you can talk to her ( forget who " should " contact the other first. It does not matter. And remember : YOU dumed her without too any ceremonies ! ) and you can decide together if you can go on together regardless of your problem, or if it's best for the both of you to part ways. But now you aren't really able to think straight and make the best decision.
P.S: ; Your life is not " ruined ". Your life has become more difficult , maybe it will include limitations that you had not thought you could have, and this sucks big time. But you are still you, the same person as before the accident. You are alive, have got all your limbs, you have all your qualities, your intelligence, your knowledges, your life experience. You've got your friends, your family, your interests, and you can love and be loved- by this Gf or another one.
Best wishes- don't give up.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (18 June 2016):
 First up if she didn't care she would not have "brcome an hysterical wreck and contacted the police when I didnt grt back."
Maybe she is all those things you said, maybe ...... but maybe she was also struggling with the news, and instead of adding to them by getting hysterical again was trying to "normalise" the conversation by talking about some red thing her father is going to buy.
I am with Honeypie, I think you are in such a terrible situation, waiting to be medivacced, drugged to the eyeballs, worried sick about your future and so on, BUT, that message you sent her reads very much like a I don't like you we are through message. Maybe she didn't realise that you were expecting a different response to your break up message to silence.
We all react to difficult situations differently, her babbling on may have been how she reacts ... your writing a snarky message is how you reacted.
You now need to decide if your gut is correct, in which case you just leave things as they are, or if the fear and drugs were driving you, in which case you extend an olive branch, let her know how scared you are and how the drugs are affecting you, apologise for the tone of the message and see what happens.
The ball really is in your court.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (18 June 2016):
 Maybe she didn't know WHAT to say? Or she was trying to cheer you up by talking about something OTHER than you injuries and what MAY or MAY no happen to you physically.
Obviously this is a BIG deal for BOTH of you. She however can "leave" if she can't handle it... YOU can't.
I think at times when we are scared, hurt, filled full of drugs we don't always see things clearly.
I'd suggest you calm down and focus on your recovery, not punishing her for whatever sins you "think" she possibly have committed against you.
When you get back home, see how she acts. Right now? You might be making a rash decision because YOU are scared about your future.
...............................
|
